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To not confront dh over this? WWYD?

(44 Posts)
Anydrinkwilldo Mon 03-Mar-14 23:49:05

Going to try to make a long story short! There is a girl in Dhs life that I really don't like and would prefer if there was no contact between them. It started when they were working together and they got so close another friend tried to get him to finish with me to go out with her. Needless to say it didn't happen but when I found this out (she used to make smart comments to me) it nearly broke us up-I asked dh to cut all contact and he refused, told him it was me or her and he picked her. I backed down and it has hurt for many years (he knows how hurt I am over it still). Every so often an argument comes up over this girl and we go around in circles for days over it. Last week I saw a message on his phone (I'll admit it I was snooping) saying thanks for lunch. He told me he met her for a few minutes so she could give a present for newborn, I specifically asked if they went for lunch and was told no. So he has lied to me. I didn't confront him when I doing out as a close family member died and I just put it to the back of my mind, but now I don't know whether to just leave it coz I can't cope with the argument, or have it out with him again.

AnyFucker Mon 03-Mar-14 23:51:48

Well, you could carry on putting your head in the sand but I don't recommend it

he is lying

liars have something to hide

chattychattyboomba Mon 03-Mar-14 23:57:37

What AF said. Ultimatums don't often work if they don't think you are, seems like you deserve better!

bumbleymummy Mon 03-Mar-14 23:59:11

You told him it was her or you and he picked her? Why are you still together? confused

ADishBestEatenCold Mon 03-Mar-14 23:59:28

Do I understand correctly, Anydrink?

You and your DH have a newborn?
Your DH met up with this woman, a woman who has caused many issues in your marriage in the past, so she could give him a present for your baby?
He also had lunch with this woman and he did this just a short time after you gave birth to his baby?
He then lied about it?

Have I got the basics correctly?

AnyFucker Tue 04-Mar-14 00:03:51

ADish, you forgot the bit where this bloke chose his relationship with this woman over that with his partner and she rolled over and took it

Sorry, OP.

iamsoannoyed Tue 04-Mar-14 00:07:10

People generally lie when they have something to hide. Your DH lied to you about this. Admittedly, you probably shouldn't be snooping through his phone, but I can see why.

I'd ask him about it. He needs to be honest with you. Best case scenario is that he hid it from you as he knew you'd be upset (but he really should have been honest and said he was going for lunch with her, if that's what he wanted to do)- not good, but better than worst case scenario. Which is that he lied because there's a lot more than a simple friendship.

Either way, you need to know. You can't dictate who he sees, but if he really cares for you then he also needs to take your feelings into account.

fuzzywuzzy Tue 04-Mar-14 00:08:47

What's the point in confronting him if you're not going to do anything practically about it?

I can tell you what will happen, you will confront him, you'll have a massive argument, you'll continue as before.

What do you want?

He's already shown you he won't give her up.

AnyFucker Tue 04-Mar-14 00:09:54

if he belly aches that he lied because he knew you would be upset that he went for lunch with her then he is lying again

because he made it clear that his relationship with her was more important than how you felt about it

so why lie ?

you already rolled over and took it, so why wouldn't you take it again ? he has no reason onn earth to lie about lunch...other than there being more than lunch to this

I presume you would end it if he slept with her ? That is why he is lying.

iamsoannoyed Tue 04-Mar-14 00:10:32

I would also point out that you essentially let him choose this woman over you, and then stayed with him. You have shown him you'll tolerate this, so if you want that to change, you have to make that very clear.

And if you mean it, don't back down. I realise it will be hard- you've just had a baby, and easier said than done. However, you have to decide whether you can live with this level of insecurity and not knowing where you stand, or not.

kiwimumof2boys Tue 04-Mar-14 00:10:47

His friend tried to convince him to 'finish' with you and go with her ?
He chose their 'friendship' over his relationship with you ?
Sorry OP you deserve better. Much much better.
I would be steaming !

TrogloDad Tue 04-Mar-14 00:21:52

Ok, taking you completely at face value:

At the point where there was any question of him having a relationship with this woman, it became perfectly within your rights to politely but firmly point out the jolly was expected to end there, in my opinion. I don't think any man who wasn't taking the piss, would object to this in the slightest.

I can't see what the merit is in standing for him "choosing" another woman who you both know has been a prospective affair. Your man is having his cake and eating it, I doubt he will stop while the situation permits him to continue.

Isetan Tue 04-Mar-14 05:53:03

Stop asking why he is a shit and start asking why you put u with his shit.

sparklyskyy Tue 04-Mar-14 06:38:19

Oh dear.

This will not end well between the two of you. You need to get some self respect and not let this douche walk all over you. This is not a healthy relationship. He doesn't care about your insecurities, he doesn't care about your feelings towards this other girl, he doesn't care about how this is affecting you're relationship ( or your sanity). He doesn't care full stop.

Please stop being taken for a mug sooner rather than later.

NearTheWindymill Tue 04-Mar-14 06:53:06

I'd like to know your dh's side before making a judgement. It was lunch and he hid it from you to avoid a row. He has a female friend who is probably not and probably never was a lover. If there was more to it do you think she'd have bought a present for the baby

I'm really not sure there's anything in it. When I was in my 20s I had close male friends who had wives/partners and we were work chums and used to go out for lunch. There was one particular where there was a "spark" if you see what I mean but he was married but we enjoyed each other's company. His wife would probably have been furious if she'd known about that little spark but I don't suppose she ever did. 25 years on we speak on the phone every couple of years and are on Christmas card terms. If I didn't have DH and he didn't have his wife it might have been different but it isn't and wasn't.

Just trying to add another dimension.

Thumbwitch Tue 04-Mar-14 06:57:21

Oh dear. Well he's got you exactly where he wants you, hasn't he. What do you actually expect will happen if you do confront him? He's already chosen her before, you've accepted it and still stayed with him, you've not been able to break this friendship (if that's all it is) throughout, including while you have his baby - you WILL NOT WIN this situation.

Of course he lied to you - because he knows it upsets you that he sees her. But he's not going to stop seeing her - so either take your previous decision to its logical conclusion and accept that they will always be friends and he will choose to see her sometimes, OR do what you should have done the first time and kick him into touch. But do realise that if you do that, chances are he will get together with this woman you dislike so much.

Jolleigh Tue 04-Mar-14 06:58:09

When you say he picked her when you gave him the ultimatum, what precisely happened?

I ask because this is the one bit to me that is throwing up a huge red flag. You've admitted you don't like her (no shame in that) and it seems to have been the other friend who was trying to get them together, not your DH or her. The lying is shit but it's a sad fact that some people tell what they feel to be harmless lies in order to avoid an argument. Is it not possible he lied because he doesn't understand why he has to choose between you both (presuming his relationship with her is innocent)?

Anydrinkwilldo Tue 04-Mar-14 07:30:08

Nothing has ever happened between them, I trust my dh on that side of things. I do think he hid it from me to stop me from getting upset, but I don't think he realises how much more upset he makes me like this. He does know how insignificant and hurt he makes me feel, but I think he has an issue with registering actions and feelings (his whole family seem to have this issue, or else they're all just shits). Ok so I think its time things will have to come to a head, the softness shall have to stop. Thanks for the replies

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Tue 04-Mar-14 07:33:46

He chose her over you?

How much more clear do you need it?

when given the choice between not having her in his life and not having you in his life, he preferred to not have you.

I really don't see how there is any way past that. I am amazed that you managed to accept that. You must love him very much to stay with him after being told you are not as important to him as her. That must have been so painful.

I hope you get it sorted out and can be happy. x

firesidechat Tue 04-Mar-14 07:34:25

Jolleigh I think the friend was the woman he was having lunch with and who he chose over his wife. I don't think there is another friend.

firesidechat Tue 04-Mar-14 07:36:56

Ignore what I just said. You were right and I was wrong, although probably because I can't get my head around the fact that another friend would encourage an affair. That is very weird.

littleballerina Tue 04-Mar-14 07:37:29

He chose her, for me that'd be enough.
How long have you been together and how long have they known each other?

HairyGrotter Tue 04-Mar-14 07:39:49

I think you ought to start thinking about how you feel, as it appears your DH doesn't.

I wouldn't dream of hurting someone I love by continuing doing something that obviously upsets them.

Yes, men and women have friends of the opposite sex, but I would be wholly uncomfortable with DP being friends with someone who a friend had tried to orchestrate a relationship between them at my expense!

DP's ex used to contact him when we first started dating, we got serious, I said I feel uncomfortable with it (her messages were unnecessary as he showed me them) and he cut contact as he saw how it made me feel, I would do the same for him.

Your DH has lied to avoid an argument, that is a) spineless and b) disrespectful of your feelings.

cricketpitch Tue 04-Mar-14 07:43:05

Agree with Windymill on this - there are two sides to everything. However you are at a very vulnerable period having just given birth and he needs to see that and support you. You do deserve better than this relationship - so does your DH.

The choosing her over you wasn't black and white. He is with you. He chose you. BUT when you forced him to choose he showed you that he would not be dictated to. (If my DP tried to dictate who I could and could not be friends with and gave me an ultimatum I would certainly NOT give in to that.) Ultimatums and snooping indicate controlling and jealousy. It seems as though you both need to be a bit more reasonable.

Good luck OP - I hope that you can work this out.

firesidechat Tue 04-Mar-14 07:49:16

I'm sorry cricketpitch but if my husband had a friendship with another woman that was so close other friends were encouraging a relationship, then I would possibly be issuing ultimatums too.

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