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To go No Contact with MIL until I get apology

(53 Posts)
MyriadOfMiracles Mon 03-Mar-14 19:32:37

Apologies in advance this is long!

So I have gone nc with mil and sil. Yesterday dh went to visit mil with my dd. She got all emotional as dd has changed so much and she misses her terribly and feels she missing out ( she still sees her once a week!) my dm lives away and has to go weeks/ months without seeing my dd. Anyway, dh informed her i have said for him to go to her more if he wishes but he chooses not to due to dds bedtimes/ work etc making it difficult.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking once a week to see dd for mil is enough anyway!?
So dh came home and said he had lovely time and his mum has asked if i will be willing to ' draw a line under everything that has happened and move on ' as ' we have ALL learned lessons from the fallout.' Now- She phoned me and gave me shit because me and dh argued!? None of her buisness and not the first time she done it! Then sil gets involved and threatens to hit me... But I am now expected to just move on and learn from it as she says ' neither of us are gojng to apologise' - i have nothing to say sorry for!

According to her i said horrible things too, but dh pointed out to her i hardly said horrid things, just my opinion and that I was defending myself!

I can proudly say i kept my cool and told dh I would think about it. But inside im raging!! Dh doesnt give a monkeys about sil by the way, just wants me and mil to make up. I also think this is terribly double standard to make truce with dm but still have nc with sil- sil was an idiot, but she was sticking up for mil- who is a perpetual victem and caused all this mess!!

What's more, dh has said if we do just move on then she can. 'Only' stay once a month overnight. I dont want her to stay at all! Yes she did help when dd was born by getting up with her and just generally being an extra pair of hands- but even back then i found her incessant self pitying grating and would rather she didn't stay a lot of times she did.

She is guilt tripping dh saying all she has done is trying to help us and she has to pay off the sofa she bought us for xmas this week. She bloody does that a lot! Gets us gifts then throws it back in our face, I have told her before i didnt want her to borrow money and dh fell out with me.

I want to do the right thing by my dd and dh ultimately. Maybe I should give her a second chance? :/ i just feel she still playing the victem and hasn't really learned anything as she doesn't want to discuss anything with me and just wants to move on . What should i do?

Am I being unreasonable? I just feel if i let this all go she will keep causing trouble (as she does)

harriet247 Mon 03-Mar-14 19:35:13

Your dh is in the wrong if he is telling her your private business regarding the argument.
Sil i would never see ever.

MyriadOfMiracles Mon 03-Mar-14 19:37:01

Sorry- Dh didnt tell his mother, he went to hers and she asked him then phoned me and had a go. My dm hears of our argument a now and again but never phones dh and has a go!

MyriadOfMiracles Mon 03-Mar-14 19:37:52

As for sil ;i agree with you. Shes horrible.

TheGreatHunt Mon 03-Mar-14 19:38:49

I'm confused. So what if mil says she misses out? That's a minor statement. What are the arguments?

kotinka Mon 03-Mar-14 19:39:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Salmotrutta Mon 03-Mar-14 19:40:38

Do you like the sofa?

<misses point deliberately>

Mintyy Mon 03-Mar-14 19:41:42

"I have gone nc" - this seems to be an actual thing, that people do nowadays when they find someone irritating. Even if it is their dp's parent and the gp of one of their dc.

I can't see what your mil has done apart from being a bit annoying?

MyBodyIsAtemplate Mon 03-Mar-14 19:42:03

just get your dh to take dd to see his mother. you only see her at big family events that would be difficult to avoid.

sil just ignore.

TheGreatHunt Mon 03-Mar-14 19:44:10

Sofa is lovely.

WilsonFrickett Mon 03-Mar-14 19:44:46

Don't think you are missing the point salmo. It's hardly nc if you're parking your bum on a present someone else bought you two months ago, is it? At the least you're sending her mixed messages, at worst you'd being dare I say a little entitled...

What was the row about? Do you think holding out for apologies is a reasoned way forward?

Martorana Mon 03-Mar-14 19:45:58

You are refusing ever to see her again over something as trivial as this?

<is prepared to swing for the next person who says "going nc" when what they mean is "taking their bat home" >

MyriadOfMiracles Mon 03-Mar-14 19:45:59

Lol sorry sorry sorry! My original post isnt very clear! We fell out due to an argument between me as dh - she phoned me up and gave me shit for it an said we should split. Now she only sees dd one a week as i do. Have her here anymore. Basically since I have known her she has interfered, gave me shit and battled for dh affections like he is her lover :/ sil has always been rude and horrible ad mil never ever speaks to her about it but cries abou how bad sil is to me and dh. Basically she is a total. Martyr. Too much to mention, he just very draining to be around- always woe is me and interrupts you to cry over someone else who has done her wrong etc! I had to put with all this just after dd born until now (and before) it's been very hard as I have pnd too :/

WhereYouLeftIt Mon 03-Mar-14 19:46:03

" asked if i will be willing to ' draw a line under everything that has happened and move on ' as ' we have ALL learned lessons from the fallout.' "
Well, given that she has not learned that an apology is required - no, even by her own twisted logic it is not yet time to draw a line.

It sounds as if your DH is pressing you to kiss and make up. Which puts him on the wrong too.

usualsuspect33 Mon 03-Mar-14 19:46:27

I think you should just chill and stop looking for reasons to 'go no contact'
with your MIL.

Salmotrutta Mon 03-Mar-14 19:47:47



<derails thread>

Salmotrutta Mon 03-Mar-14 19:48:04

My work here is done...

MyriadOfMiracles Mon 03-Mar-14 19:48:28

I have very good reasons to not see her, I'm sorry if my post impled it was over a fucking sofa!! * embarrased *

usualsuspect33 Mon 03-Mar-14 19:48:46

Why is her DH in the wrong for wanting his Mother and wife to try and sort out their differences?

usualsuspect33 Mon 03-Mar-14 19:49:37

Hi, Salmo.

<ends derail>

WhereYouLeftIt Mon 03-Mar-14 19:49:39

"she phoned me up and gave me shit for ^[argument with DH] and said we should split"^

yangsun Mon 03-Mar-14 19:50:15

I'm not sure I understand this, what was the row about? All I get from your post is that you've told dh he can take dc to see his mum whenever he wants and he has shared that with him but said it doesn't work for him. How did that become a row for you and dh?

candycoatedwaterdrops Mon 03-Mar-14 19:50:27

What usual said!

BerylStreep Mon 03-Mar-14 19:51:13

Out of interest, how old is DD?

Anyway, your Inlaws sound a bit of a nightmare and over-invested in each other's lives.

I would be cross with DH for passing messages back and forth, he is being manipulated, and needs to learn some strategies for learning how to keep out of things. He is also being very unsupportive of you.

Don't let your MIL buy you anything else, or help out - you can't have it both ways.

And seeing DD once a week is more than enough for grandparents, especially if the relationship with the parents is a bit fraught.

MyriadOfMiracles Mon 03-Mar-14 19:51:28

My own family have pushed me to be assertive with her as she was round our house all the time, when me and dh fell out once she phoned me 3 times to say she wanted to too herself etc etc i could on! I am not going no contact over trivial reasons but for my own sanity! After a baby a pnd I have been very vulnerable and naive but belive me many hav Said i should not see her as she is so manipulative

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