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to be completely torn between career and family life?

(77 Posts)
MamaSmurf99 Mon 03-Mar-14 15:03:28

I have always wanted to teach. However, I also thought I was infertile until I fell pregnant with dd1. I now have two dd2's age 5 years and 15 months. They are more important to me than anything. My dp of 3 years wants us to move to live with him. He was meant to move to live with us before dd2 was born but complications with his exW and his children meant this changed at the last minute. This is true, and not an excuse on his part.

I am in the end stages of my degree. Dp wants to live together once I've graduated. This means I cannot afford to train as a teacher. I would love to all live together, and would be happy to be a SAHM until the children are all 9/10 which he is happy to support but then what? I'd be older and unqualified and I don't want to end up working in a supermarket and be bitter that I didn't go for my ambition.

In an ideal world I'd continue working part-time and self-employed until dd2 is 3 then train as a teacher. This would mean not living together for around 3 years which he hates the thought of but would support. The kids and I are settled and in a routine so would continue to cope fine. If I move in with him I'd have to quit my job as the childcare costs wouldn't be covered. I know I should train this year and get it done then move in with him but I hate the thought of dd2 being in childcare so much so young and would not be able to fully commit to my training because of that.

Moving in with him doesn't mean seeing him any more than we currently do as he works long hours and can't be relied on to do anything around the house or with the kids. But I would like to be a normal family and just enjoy life. If any of these ramblings have remotely made sense to you, perhaps you can advise and tell me if iabu in what I want and for having no clue what to do?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 03-Mar-14 15:09:32

Why are you even considering a LTR with a man that can't be relied upon to pull his weight domestically?

MerryMarigold Mon 03-Mar-14 15:12:04

Keep going as you are and do your training next year. Don't let him put pressure on. If things are going to work out, 1 year of not living together won't make any difference (except he'll have a free cook and cleaner).

JeanSeberg Mon 03-Mar-14 15:12:56

My God, ditch him as fast as you can and continue with your career plans.

ginnybag Mon 03-Mar-14 15:15:19

Your last paragraph is your answer.

As is this - your DD is fifteen months old, and this man, her Dad, has yet to move heaven and earth to live with her full-time, but is instead expecting you to do all the running.

I'd keep things just as they are. He's a boyfriend, not a partner and until that changes, don't compromise things for him. Your 'family life' that you'd be sacrificing so much for doesn't sound all that great, frankly - you sound like you'd be just acquiring someone else to skivvy for and losing your independence in the process.

DescribeTheRuckus Mon 03-Mar-14 15:21:06

Go for the qualification. He is a boyfriend not a husband, and is not reliable domestically. I won't say LTB...but I wouldn't give up the potential to be self sufficient to move in with him and have no prospects when DCs are older. I went back to uni when my youngest was 11 months old, she's 6 now, and tells me all the time that she's proud that I'm in school like her. Think about what you are teaching your daughters.

MrsTerryPratchett Mon 03-Mar-14 15:25:44

Who cleans his place now?

maggiemight Mon 03-Mar-14 15:28:31

I would look to the long term as we work to age 70 now, make him wait 3 years.

crashbangboom Mon 03-Mar-14 15:30:30

I wouldn't let him move in from what you've put.

I would however get the teaching qual done ASAP. Taking a break from study is hard when going back, funding is changing and if you don't get a place this year you can try in subsequent years.

AngelaDaviesHair Mon 03-Mar-14 15:32:39

Despite him wanting you all together, it doesn't read as though he's meeting you halfway to make it work. Instead, he's expecting you to give up long-term security and career prospects to make it happen for him. I really really would not do that in your shoes.

And beware, living with someone who "can't be relied on to do anything around the house or with the kids", for whatever reason, is a vastly different kettle of fish from living independently from that person and seeing them regularly.

FantasticDay Mon 03-Mar-14 15:35:27

I'm a bit confused. Why would living together mean that you couldn't afford to train as a teacher? Wouldn't it be cheaper to have two households rather than one, and presumably being together would make it easier to share the childcare. Does he live a long way away from your nearest teacher training college?

Beastofburden Mon 03-Mar-14 16:50:49

Don't understand the money.

I get that if he moves in with you, that might affect your benefits which might affect whether you can afford to train as a teacher. But surely, only if he isn't proposing to contribute anything financially to the household?

Pigletin Mon 03-Mar-14 16:56:44

Sorry, like Fantastic I also don't understand why you wouldn't be able to train if you move in with your partner. Could you elaborate on this?

fideline Mon 03-Mar-14 16:56:48

SAHMing when unmarried is legal and financial lunacy.

Forget the rest, start from there.

MamaSmurf99 Tue 04-Mar-14 00:55:16

His job means he can't be relied on to help with childcare. It also doesn't pay enough to pay for it while Ittrain so I either do it alone or not at all. He lives in work related accommodation that has a cleaner at the moment but for the first year we were together he had his own place and while he isn't disgusting (well, maybe a bit) his standards aren't up to mine, which I think would equal me ending up doing it all because his standards are so minimal. For example - I hoover every day as I have a dog and cat who moult lots, he had a similar dog but hoovered fortnightly at most. He'll leave Washing up piling up until there's nothing left to use, then wash it in cold water so it'd still be dirty and I'd have to wash it again. He'd leave wet washing in the machine for days so it smelt before being hung out etc
etc.

I just really don't want to begin training this year while dd2 is so young and think it'd also be really difficult as she still co-sleeps and bfs and would really struggle to adapt to nursery ft I feel. But I feel selfish for waiting as it's preventing her living with her father. But conflicted because I know she'd be 100% happier being at home with me the majority of the time for another year and isn't bothered or affected by not living with him.

MamaSmurf99 Tue 04-Mar-14 00:59:54

Also, if we did live separately for a further three years he could use that time to save for a wedding so if I did end up being a SAHM for a bit, because we had another baby or whatever, it'd be a secure position to be in. Living together with him supporting us now means a wedding Would be many years away as he has a huge family he wants to invite and cater for

fideline Tue 04-Mar-14 01:28:14

"Also, if we did live separately for a further three years he could use that time to save for a wedding so if I did end up being a SAHM for a bit, because we had another baby or whatever, it'd be a secure position to be in."

Sounds like a plan smile

NoodleOodle Tue 04-Mar-14 01:45:57

Get your teaching qualification. You know this, from what you've written you know this makes sense, though you have the emotional pull of living together happy family style appealing to your heart. Follow your head.

Could he not look in to a different job, nearer you, or at least one that would enable you to continue your studies whilst living together? Perhaps discuss that you would like to move in with him, but only when you can come up with a living arrangement that supports both of your futures, which the current proposition doesn't?

Finola1step Tue 04-Mar-14 01:52:24

Your situation sounds very familiar OP. Have you posted about this before?

Sharaluck Tue 04-Mar-14 02:56:25

I am still confused confused

How does living together change childcare costs?

If you lived together you would still have to pay childcare costs (as you are now, aren't you?) but you would be saving on housing/bills costs as you would only have one place to pay for between the both of you. So you should have more money if you live together wouldn't you?

I think it is probably best to wait until dd2 is older before you do your teacher training as I've heard it is intensive. But I'm not sure why moving in together would stop you from doing the teacher training confused

fideline Tue 04-Mar-14 03:07:26

If OP is a low-income Single parent when she does her teacher training, she will be eligible for a grant to cover childcare while she studies and is on placement. So childcare will, in effect, be free, or close to free.

If she is in a two adult household with her DP, her eligibility assessment will include his wages, so she will not qualify for childcare grant, but at the same time, his wages won't cover childcare while she studies.

fideline Tue 04-Mar-14 03:08:45

Bloody silly poverty trap it is too. I thought we had a shortgae of teachers.

MamaSmurf99 Tue 04-Mar-14 07:04:23

Him changing his career isn't an option. That's precisely it fideline- bloody annoying predicament to bein, too.

Beastofburden Tue 04-Mar-14 07:05:17

Also gives you three years to train him up a bit. He does need to come to terms with living like an adult, ie, having a cleaner house, doing his washing effectively, paying his own share of the wedding, making an effort to spend time with the kids. A the moment you are just taking on a third big kid and doing everything for the lot of them.

Though hoovering every day is a bit, er, generous.

MamaSmurf99 Tue 04-Mar-14 07:15:12

He is a bit clueless, beast. Even when he has looked after dd2 alone he hasn't managed to open the curtains or change the bin bag 'because he was looking after her.' He doesn't seem to get that I work, study, do everything around the house, shopping etc and that these tasks are not all exclusive from the kids.

My dog and cat are do moult a ridiculous amount. Theirccombination of black and white hairs look disgusting on the wooden floor downstairs and it only takes 5 mins to hoover.

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