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To think I may have got this wrong.

(45 Posts)
Koothrapanties Mon 03-Mar-14 13:33:26

So my day has gone from bad to worse.

To keep it brief, neighbours have a crap relationship. We hear her screaming at him all the time, constantly on and off. Have heard her scream that he has strangled her in the past (not at that time), but nothing while we have lived here to warrant calling the police.

He is usually very quiet, but you hear her screaming at him not to threaten her, swear infront of their child etc.

Today I heard her scream help and that he had punched her in the face. I went out to tell him to leave her alone. He wasnt happy about this and was quite aggressive towards me. He tried to push open the door when I tried to shut it and made threats towards dh.

He repeatedly said that he hadn't hit her and that she was lying. She didn't seem to have any marks on her face, but I only saw her briefly before she left and he stayed to have a go at me and dh.

He has since texted dh saying that he is really upset we have been sexist and assumed it is him who is the violent one. He has said he has been bullied by her and attacked by her and we have assumed its him because of stereotypes.
Dh simply said its done and asked him to delete his number. This made him angry and he said if we get involved in his business again he will attack dh and make sure we have to leave the area.

He kept saying that we had got it wrong and she was the violent bully, not him. He said you wouldn't call someone who had just been raped a rapist.

I don't know what to think now. In all fairness I have always heard her screaming at him, not the other way around. Why would she scream for help and lie that he has hit her though?

Did I do the wrong thing by going out there when she screamed for help? I feel like I have fucked things up for us now, I was just doing what I thought was right.

formerbabe Mon 03-Mar-14 13:34:27

Maybe he told her to write that text?

Koothrapanties Mon 03-Mar-14 13:35:21

He says he has only ever restrained her, never hit her or been violent towards her.

I don't know what to think.

I don't know what will happen now. I hope he will just let it go, but the messages were quite nasty.

Koothrapanties Mon 03-Mar-14 13:35:43

The texts are from him, not her.

formerbabe Mon 03-Mar-14 13:36:39

Oh sorry I miss read it. I would keep out of it to be honest..

LocalEditorNottingham Mon 03-Mar-14 13:37:54

Let the police get to the bottom of it. I would certainly call them in your position, to report what you haerd and the threats to your DH.

MammaTJ Mon 03-Mar-14 13:37:56

I have witnessed someone playing kind of game you suspect her of. She was trying to hit him and when he restrained her, she screamed that he was abusing her. A really tough call and not necessarily yours to make, keep phoning the police.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Mon 03-Mar-14 13:38:01

I would go to the police with the texts. Ask them to warn him off.

I don't think he can play the victim while at the same time being a threatening bully to you, can he?

Lottiedoubtie Mon 03-Mar-14 13:38:54

I would agree with him, to his face and try and having nothing more to do with him.

Next time there is shouting, call the police.

You have no way of knowing who is doing the violence, but it doesn't sound like he is the sort of guy you want to be regularly pissing off. The best thing you can do for her, if she is being abused is call the police.

Hobbes8 Mon 03-Mar-14 13:39:25

Threatening someone with violence isn't the best way to convince them you're not violent.

Koothrapanties Mon 03-Mar-14 13:39:46

We are, hence dh telling him to delete our number. He also said to him that we'll just have nothing to do with each other. This made him really upset because he says we have it wrong and now are telling him to do that when he hasn't done anything wrong.

I'm really not sure if I have actually completely got it wrong or he is just a really clever abuser.

traviata Mon 03-Mar-14 13:40:43

someone who would threaten your DH that he would "make sure you have to leave the area' does not sound like the calm reasonable type. he sounds like a violent aggressive arse.

Koothrapanties Mon 03-Mar-14 13:41:46

Dh just said we weren't accusing him of anything and that I just went out because I heard her screaming for help.

Do you not think going to the police will make the situation worse?

Completely agree about threatening with violence doesnt help his case.

comicsansisevil Mon 03-Mar-14 13:44:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Koothrapanties Mon 03-Mar-14 13:48:16

Has he committed a crime by sending the text messages? What would the police do?

LocalEditorNottingham Mon 03-Mar-14 13:49:44

Worse for whom? Why would you not go to police when subjected to serious threats and, when hearing someone screaming for help? Those are each extremely good reasons to go to the police.

Ultimately, it doesn't matter what you think is going on, or what he chooses to image you think (over which you have no control whatsoever - don't imagine you can appease him successfully). What matters is that everyone is safe.

The police knowing there are two real problems here; possible domestic violence and, threats of violence, will help them react faster and appropriately, next time.

Failing to tell them will not prevent there from being a next time. It will just embed you in a cycle of pretence, denial and quite possibly complicity.

Koothrapanties Mon 03-Mar-14 13:51:57

The thing that has confused me is that he sounded genuinely upset about it. I know abusers can be very clever about this sort of thing, but what he said at the door was the same as the text messages.

If it helps, she is a bloody gutsy woman. She is very gobby and I have heard her giving him both barrels and he has stayed calm. (this was right outside the door so I heard everything that time).

I just don't want to go to the police if I have got the wrong end of the stick and the reason he was so upset was actually because he was being accused of something he hasn't done.

Koothrapanties Mon 03-Mar-14 13:53:09

I see what you are saying local. I will talk to dh and see where he wants to go from here.

Koothrapanties Mon 03-Mar-14 13:54:46

I meant worse for us. Sorry if that sounds selfish, but I have a baby dd and I don't want to bring more trouble to our door.

Part of me thinks I shouldn't have gone out there, but if it was me screaming help I would hope someone would come.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Mon 03-Mar-14 13:57:35

You wouldn't be going to the police over something he hasn't done.

You have the text messages where he threatened your husband with violence and where he said he was going to drive you out.

That's what you should report to the police.

Threats against you and your husband.

If you do nothing, then maybe he will leave you alone.

Or maybe he will believe that he has successfully intimidated you and will behave in a more threatening manner.

Goldmandra Mon 03-Mar-14 13:58:40

I doesn't matter what he's like really. He has threatened you.

He might have threatened you so you don't interfere when he is being violent or it might be because he doesn't want other people to know that he's the victim of DV. It doesn't matter.

He's told you that you need to ignore shouts for help because he will cause you harm if you respond to them.

I'd inform the police and let them work out what's going on if that's possible.

LocalEditorNottingham Mon 03-Mar-14 14:00:55

I think you need to stop worrying about what other people think you think. It's not very relevant, or helpful to anyone, yourselves included. It's not up to you to investigate any allegation or to form a conclusion at all.

You've heard things that are a cause for concern in themselves. Just report those facts and let the professionals do the investigating and arrive at their own conclusions.

One or both of them may well be known to the police already.

Koothrapanties Mon 03-Mar-14 14:01:20

Ok thanks very much for the advice.

I just couldn't get out of my head that i might have actually stereotyped him. I forget sometimes that it isn't always the man who is the violent one.

LocalEditorNottingham Mon 03-Mar-14 14:03:27

Well done for going out in response to her shouts btw. I think that's much braver than calling the police. I know it's more spur of the moment and you're only thinking it all through now but you did a good thing.

Koothrapanties Mon 03-Mar-14 14:13:35

Thanks local. I didn't really think about it, it was a bit of a gut reaction. Not sure it was the wisest one now though! I understand why peo

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