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Who is being unreasonable?

(82 Posts)
Regbooboo Mon 03-Mar-14 13:06:18

You may have seen my previous posts on whether I should join my husband to live in Canada. I have decided that I will give it a try as he has lived in the UK for 11 years even though he hated it. I have told my DD (34 years) and DS (28 years) and my son is OK with it although obviously he will miss me.

My DD on the other hand is very upset that I am going and leaving her and DGS (22 months). I will be coming back every six months for a visit and to stay six weeks or so.

My DD and my DH (not her dad) have never got on and she has always resented him from day one. One of the reasons he went back to Canada is because she is so controlling. I posted a pic on Facebook of me and DGS and my DH commented that I looked good and that he was looking forward to me coming to join him "in our little house on the prarie" (as we call it). DD commented "Yeah Mum you will be happy then". DH then retorted with "thanks for your support". All a bit nasty really. Once again I AM STUCK IN THE MIDDLE and I am fucking totally fed up with it. She says he's got his own way and rubbing her nose in it and he says why can't he comment that he's looking forward to me arriving. I sometimes wish I was completely on my own and to let them all get on with it.

Would like to know who is being unreasonable (if anyone) in this instance?

Sorry for long post but no-one else to discuss with.

Thanks for your patience.

whatareyoueventalkingabout Mon 03-Mar-14 13:21:10

do you think your daughter is being controlling or is that what he has said?

formerbabe Mon 03-Mar-14 13:23:23

She is a grown woman. You are entitled to do whatever makes you happy op...your children are adults now and I think you should be free to do what you want.

ScarletStar Mon 03-Mar-14 13:23:33

Sorry to hear you're going through this. Just from reading this post, I would say that it's your DD that's being very unreasonable. It's as if she's not considering your happiness at all, just her own. I would sit her down and tell her you love her but you're happy with the choice you've made. Good luck with Canada!

Sirzy Mon 03-Mar-14 13:25:51

I can understand her feeling like her nose is being rubbed in it, she is understandbly upset.

That said your an adult and as such you should do what is right for you and she has to accept that

LadyPenny Mon 03-Mar-14 13:26:29

I agree your DD is being U. You are entitled to your happiness and should do what you want.

Enb76 Mon 03-Mar-14 13:27:34

Your daughter is being unreasonable. She's 34 and should grow up.

formerbabe Mon 03-Mar-14 13:28:57 you do a lot of babysitting/childcare for her? Is that why she doesn't want you to go?

ScrambledeggLDCcakeBOAK Mon 03-Mar-14 13:34:02

Dd is utterly ridicules.

What are you an unpaid handy woman who must be at her constant call just because you gave birth to her.

I obviously don't know the history ie how he treated her, if she was a child when you both got together, how you were with her after meeting him ect

But to be honest she is an adult with a child of her own she needs to get a grip and leave you to it.

I bet if she wanted to move abroad she wouldn't even think to turn it down so you could be near her.

I mean does she not see the holiday potential in this grin

ScrambledeggLDCcakeBOAK Mon 03-Mar-14 13:35:47

Sorry I'm being glib but really what's the problem? (With you moving)

WhereYouLeftIt Mon 03-Mar-14 14:15:42

On the bare facts given in your OP, I'd say your daughter is being unreasonable. What is your relationship with her like? Do you think she is 'controlling'? In what way does your moving abroad affect her, practically?

Pobblewhohasnotoes Mon 03-Mar-14 14:17:38

I think I remember your last post OP and your dd came across as very entitled and controlling.

Davsmum Mon 03-Mar-14 14:23:05

One of the reasons your DH went back to Canada was because your daughter is controlling? Really?
So he moved away because he could not handle a situation with your daughter? That is not very adult is it?

Your daughter resents him - Its natural enough even though she is an adult. To her, you are moving because HE wants you to. She doesn't want you to be so far away, however, she is being unreasonable to not accept that is what you have to do if you want to be with your husband.

You can't please both of them - so as your future lies with him - then that's the choice you should make - IF that's what YOU really want.
I doubt though - that your DD will ever believe he did not 'make' you move!

LouiseAderyn Mon 03-Mar-14 14:35:43

I would have reservations about a man who left me on my own because he couldn't handle the disapproval of my dd.

I think we need more info about why they don't get on etc before we can say who is u

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 03-Mar-14 14:54:04

OP you raised your DCs, now it's your turn to step back and think of yourself. Go to Canada, enjoy life with your DH, see how you get on. You shouldn't be made to feel guilty because DD dislikes your H and resents the time you spend with him. Grandparents are not automatically free daycare providers nor always willing babysitters. If DS gets on all right with your DH maybe he can persuade DD you will be in safe hands.

Seven hours' flight to Toronto or Montreal, nine and a half to Vancouver, it's not like flying to Australia.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Mon 03-Mar-14 14:56:09

I think they are both being childish and unreasonable.

Your arms must be 20 ft long by now.

Regbooboo Mon 03-Mar-14 20:07:07

Thanks for all your replies. Thought I would add a bit of background to my post and bear with please ...

my first husband, and the father of my DD and DS was an abusive person towards me and unfortunately he was strong enough (I had been the subject of his bullying for ten years by that time) and got joint custody and said he would have them for 5 days per week and that I could have them from Friday evening until Sunday evening each week and for half-terms and summer holidays. DD was 8 and DS and 2. I agreed to this as in my submissive state I had met a man at work and who I ran to after an affair when I honestly contemplated suicide. I was very frightened of him.

My new chap was very kind to me, although I am not sure he was in love with me, but felt responsible for taking advantage of my vulnerablility when going forward with the affair. I suppose I was looking for affection? I just didn't go home from work one evening and only had the clothes I stood up in - I just knew I couldn't go home that night from work as DD had phoned me and said he was looking forward to having a good talk with me that evening which I knew meant a battering. He had broken my arm and perforated my eardrum in the past. I moved into his flat with him.

I had my DD and DS every Friday to Saturday, Bank Holidays, half-terms and summer holidays until they were in their teens and never missed a "turn". I missed them dreadfully but I must say their father took care of them very well along with his new partner who loves them very very much. My DD hated my new DD from day one and made his life a misery always snarking at him which he just ignored and was always nice with her as he felt he was responsible for her aggressive moods. We took them out every Saturday and showered them with gifts (guilt) and my DD paid my daughter's university fees. We always had holidays abroad each year. I discussed with my daughter about having a baby with DD but she cried so much and said I would be with the baby all week and only her and DD every weekend that I felt she was right and decided not to go ahead with a child and DD was very disappointed.

My second husband having no family here and being offered a wonderful job in the Far East decided to leave. My DD and DS were 14 and 11 at the time and I could not contemplate leaving them although I loved DH very much.

DH had already told me that he loved me like a sister and we had not had sex for a year or so and encouraged me to find another life but if I didn't want to I could stay in the house and my DD could stay in the flat rent free and bills paid. I lived in the house and my DD lived in the flat.

It was in Cuba where I met my third husband (this does make me sound like Zza Zaa Gabor!) who was on holiday from Quebec. We hit it off immediately and kept in touch. My DD came to the UK in 2002 and we got married in 2003. My DH was fully aware of him being with me and continued to pay the mortgage when DH was there until the flat was sold. My second husband also gave me £120,000 to pay off the mortgage for the flat and let me keep the money when I sold it (£130,000).

My new DH and I bought a flat together and he resumed his teaching and taught in many rough schools which he had never been used to as he was a university teacher in Quebec. My DS was still living with his father.

I think my DD really resented my DH at the very start of our relationship. I asked her to swap the flat for the house (rent free) as I did not want to live with DH in the house where my second DH had grown up. DD said I was throwing her out but the house was very nicely decorated and carpeted and she was able to get a flatmate and charge her rent. My DD and her DH still live in the house and only pay a very nominal rate to my second DH who has said they can buy it for a discounted rate. You must remember she made my second DD's life a misery for many years. My second DD are still on very good terms and correspond by email from time to time - he has now married a Thai lady and they have two children and move between Taiwan and Hong Kog where they own properties and have an extremely good lifestyle and I am totally pleased for him. My DD has resented my DH from day one ... ringing us up at 1 in the morning saying I was just a cock lover (he is 14 years younger than me) - I was 45 when we met. My DH and I get on very well and love each other so much and it was always my DD that caused arguments between us because I had always let her boss me as I always felt so guilty that I wasn't with her 24/7. We always spoke on the phone every evening.

DD is rude to DH and always referred to him when we were talking as the Canadian cunt or some such. She would boss me in front of him and he just didn't like it and would eventually leave the room when she visited rather than cause a row although they did have one or two. My DH stayed here in the UK for 12 years but decided to go back to Quebec for good (we have a small house there) after I just couldn't make my mind up about going with him or staying for my kids (33 and 27 at the time he went).

DH was very good and we had my Mum living with us for four years after my brother died and her dementia became much worse. We never went out or had visitors in all that time. DH supported me financially while I cared for Mum 24/7.

As in my original post I have now decided to go be with DH in Quebec. I feel so guilty about going but really want a life with DH and be able to be as much as a Nan as possible. Its all so hard.

Many apologies for my novelle but sometimes when I read a thread I would really appreciate knowing the background of it.

So there it is - flippin' heck feel purged!

Regbooboo Mon 03-Mar-14 20:16:29

Whoops bit more ... since DH has left (Nov 2013) I go to DD's every weekend from Friday evening to Sunday afternoon as it gives them a break to lie in Saturdays and Sundays (usually until about 2.00pm!) or to go out together as they both work full-time. I do adore DGS and he has been a great comfort since my Mum died in December 2013. He also seems to love me back and wont go to DD or DH when I am around but I don't encourage him to do this but we sleep together and get up together each weekend and I do love playing with him. DD now says I love DH more than her and DGS but I really don't. Yesh ....................

MrsMoon76 Mon 03-Mar-14 20:22:38

Go to Canada. Live your life and be happy. TBH your dd sounds bullying and controlling. Is she like her father?

jacks365 Mon 03-Mar-14 20:31:03

Your dd sounds like an ungrateful entitled user. Go and enjoy life in Canada.

YetAnotherHelenMumsnet (MNHQ) Mon 03-Mar-14 20:35:08

Hello there Regbooboo,
we have just nipped in and edited out your DH's name for you, hope that's what you would have wanted but better safe than sorry and all that!

whatareyoueventalkingabout Mon 03-Mar-14 20:57:13

I am SO confused. Have you said Dd where you haven't meant to???

MyPrettyToes Mon 03-Mar-14 21:06:16

Your daughter is very much her father's daughter, isnt she? She is a bully and is controlling. She wants you at her beck and call and doesn't give a fig that you are unhappy. I don't think your daughter will ever 'allow' you to be happy. Your partner could be a saint but she will never approve because she is selfish and your happiness is irrelevant to her.

Your daughter is horrible and I would move far, far away from her if I were you. I feel sorry for her dc.

Move to Canada, have a happy life. thanks

cjel Mon 03-Mar-14 21:29:55

Go to Canada, Be happy for once in your life with someone who loves you and doesn't try to control you.It will be hard putting up with DDs reaction but just grit your teeth and go for it.

harriet247 Mon 03-Mar-14 21:38:37

You go there every weekend?!?! Omg no wonder she wants you to stay! Wow. No, go and try canada, you can always come back and there is always skype etc too.

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