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AIBU to be annoyed with my male relatives?

(30 Posts)
twentypastaftereights Mon 03-Mar-14 12:43:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty Mon 03-Mar-14 12:48:15

It doesn't sound as though your brothers really do hate her

Are you sure they're not just trying to pacify you?

twentypastaftereights Mon 03-Mar-14 12:54:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

caruthers Mon 03-Mar-14 12:55:12

It all sounds a bit childish.

If you don't like her then don't see her it's up to anyone else if they want to go round etc..

ScrambledeggLDCcakeBOAK Mon 03-Mar-14 13:00:37

Ignore for now I think.

I would say though if she insults you or your family again (esp in front of others) could you pull her up on it? Obviously in the bigger person way and not sling an insult back way!

For example she says says something awful about dcs or dp and your reply (instead of seething silence) in front of everyone would be what a horrible thing to say insert name here why would you say something so awful and unwarranted?

Shel go on the defensive or try to turn it on you being sensitive which you reply. You may see this as being sensitive but the reality is you have been incredibly insulting to my family and in future please keep such unwarranted opinions to yourself.

If you can't say anything nice I would prefere you didn't say anything.

In return I won't insult you ok?

If the family don't back you up don't get upset just glaze over it.

The next time it happens see above but with the reminder I have asked you already not to insult my family if it happens again I will have no choice but to ask you to leave my home and find another person to bully?

Repeat as needed.

ScrambledeggLDCcakeBOAK Mon 03-Mar-14 13:04:07

That will only work if it is the constant response biting at her will completely undo the above response.

It will also work better if you try to just lay the past to rest.

I'm only saying that because it needs to be that she is the idiot and you are seen as trying your best. Ie not holding grudges being childish ect.

twentypastaftereights Mon 03-Mar-14 13:04:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScrambledeggLDCcakeBOAK Mon 03-Mar-14 13:06:47

If db gives you more grief say simply it is no different than you trying to keep the peace by sending nice message sect.

I will handle things how I see best as you will. We obviously won't agree on how that is done but that's fine I won't go on at you and you don't go on at me ok.

Love you db smile

ScrambledeggLDCcakeBOAK Mon 03-Mar-14 13:08:25

No probs love.

The only way is for you to not give any behaviour that can be used against you and the result is her cuntishness will shine like a beacon of doom grin

twentypastaftereights Mon 03-Mar-14 13:13:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AMumInScotland Mon 03-Mar-14 13:16:17

Well, if your brothers live nearer and see her more often, perhaps they have either got used to her, or else decided that they may as well just get on adequately with her rather than be at loggerheads? That is for them to decide.

Since you don't get on with her, you just need to focus on how much you see her - your post sounds like you have to have her in your house for days at a stretch. That's never going to go well with a person you dislike.

So - how about arranging to go see your dad from time to time, stay in a hotel, go out for a meal/walk/drink with him (them if they don't do things separately) and don't let her weind you up.

If she is rude, call her on it, right away. If she sslags off you or your DH and DC, then point out that it is unacceptable, and walk away. Much easier if you are on neutral territory than in either house.

Cocolepew Mon 03-Mar-14 13:20:04

If she said that about my DC I'd sling her out and have nothing to do with her again.

Whereisegg Mon 03-Mar-14 13:26:20

If someone said something like that about my dc in their own home, they wouldn't need to worry about the noise as I would chuck their bag out of the door.

sparechange Mon 03-Mar-14 13:30:44

OP, I really get why you would be feeling betrayed.
They should be backing you up, and not rewarding her horrible behaviour with presents and platitudes.

Unfortunately, I don't know what the answer is, because I have the exact same problem with my bothers and step mother.
She is vile to me, and they frequently bitch about how pathetic her jealousy of me is (and I would put my house in your DF's partner being fiercely jealous of you as well) but they still go and see her, invite her to things and treat her like family.

Your DH is right though. Don't pick another battle. Be thankful for having him to support you, and your lovely DCs to remind you of what a nice family looks like.

Lucyccfc Mon 03-Mar-14 13:54:13

Had a similar issue with my sisters and them accepting a friends request from our (ex) step-Mum. Our DF had passed away a few years earlier and after finding out the step-Mum had stolen from our elderly grandparents, we all decided to have nothing to do with her.

Fast forward 2 years and my sisters both had her on FB.

You can decide to just get on and do your own thing or tell your family how you feel.

I took the 'telling them how I felt' option, as I am go by and opinionated lol.

I told them they were bloody hypocrites and reminded them of how she treated our grandparents. I then left it at that, as it was their choice.

Hissy Mon 03-Mar-14 14:13:11

Oh i don't do two faced either, I'd not allow anyone back to my home that said shit like that to me about me, or my H or my DC.

If it bothers your DF so much, then I suggest he take it up with Mrs PottyMouth and keep his lap-bitch to heel.

As for your DB, if they spout off to you about her, tell them that you know what they say and what they do don't match, so have bugger all credibility in anything.

If you don't want her on your FB, stick her on limited view and hide her timeline. If ever she questions it, say that you wouldn't dream of inflicting DC she "can't stand" on her.

If she wants to come visit, tell her you are busy. you don't have to cater to anyone.

twentypastaftereights Mon 03-Mar-14 23:42:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DarlingGrace Tue 04-Mar-14 05:11:01

Your brothers are doing these things out of love and respect for your father. You need to separate the two issues.

I agree with your father. He is married to her, they now come as a package deal.

Whether you like her or not, gossiping maliciously about her will always get back to the person in family circles. You are coming across like a spoilt brat who won't share daddy

twentypastaftereights Tue 04-Mar-14 05:59:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Logg1e Tue 04-Mar-14 06:11:13

You have a really unusual way with commas.

Hissy Tue 04-Mar-14 06:14:27

I disagree. You're not coming over as spoilt brat at all, it's idiotic to even think that tbh.

When one marries a man with kids, THEY come as a package.

I think the DBS are hoping to 'please' her, so she's nice. They are doing this out of fear of her. Meantime everyone is enabling her appalling behaviour. If the 'men' in the family had as much about them as you OP, she'd have had to stop treating people like this.

If your next door neighbour treated you like this, you'd not stand for it.

'Family' should be held to a higher account than a neighbour or acquaintance.

No-one has to put up with being regularly insulted in their own home, have their children or husband bitched about.

Hissy Tue 04-Mar-14 06:37:13

One positive in all this. You're not your SILS, forced to watch how shitty she is, then see large amounts of family money spent on her.

Your dh is supportive of you. That's worth it's weight in gold!

Life is too short to have shitty people in your life.

twentypastaftereights Tue 04-Mar-14 07:42:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MajorGrinch Tue 04-Mar-14 08:00:32

they now come as a package deal.

Well actually they don't. If the OP doesn't want this woman in her life or home then she doesn't have to put up with it. I can never get my head around this "they're family & can get away with anything" attitude. You don't have to put up with idiots if you don't want to....

So what if you're far away, they can either do the trip in a day, or you could meet them halfway, or they could B&B it.

I think you're right to keep a bit of "distance" and to stick to your guns.

The family you have created is the important one, I'd stick with that!

OTheHugeManatee Tue 04-Mar-14 08:19:11

You have my sympathy, OP. My stepmother is a histrionic, paranoid, manipulative person who has systematically alienated my dad from his three kids. Personally I think she's EA to my dad as well. But he just wants us to bite our lips and be polite, so there's not much we can do. At times we've all tried placating her and it's been quite divisive amongst us siblings - I'd guess something like that is going on here.

Ultimately though IMO it's your dad you should be angry with, not your brothers. He's the only one who could stand up to her and make a difference, but instead he's making excuses for her for a quiet life. He's chosen her over you and it hurts like hell especially as she's such a bitch to you; getting angry with your brothers is just displacement.

NB I am of course drawing parallels with my own situation and feelings here. I could be projecting entirely. But your story resonated strongly with mine and I somehow don't think I am.

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