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AIBU?

To stay with him

43 replies

Chocoholic36 · 03/03/2014 07:20

Hi I have posted here because I couldn't see anything like this on the lone parents board and cold really d with the advice.

I have been with my husband for 15 years and we have 3 dcs 12, 10,8. We have got on perfectly well, sex life is crap - he is happy for once every 6 weeks, we never do anything as a couple. He is a great father and always puts them first which I feel guilty complaining about but I want some attention. Is it so bad to want to have a 'date night' once a year? I have talked and talked to him about all of our problems (there are many more) and he promises to change but never does. This has been going on for the last 9 years.

I want to leave him, I am 31 years old and want something more does that make me a horrible person? I am to scared to though. I worry my children would never forgive me and I would ruin there life. I spoke to my. Mum about the fact I wasn't happy and she told me to get a grip and I wouldn't find anything better, dh is lovely and treats me so well etc and if I did leave him she would never forgive me and her and dad would cut me out. I'm scared I won't have anyone to turn too.

I am also worried about the house. The mortgage is in his name and he works. I don't work I have always been the sahm. Where would I stand? I have asked him to leave and he laughed at me saying I had no rights on anything and that if I wanted to go the door was open but I was not taking my dcs. Can someone please help me with this.

Sorry for the ramble its 7.20am and I am already sat crying I just don't know what to do please help x

OP posts:

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CookieLady · 03/03/2014 07:34

You deserve better. He's wrong just because he's paid the mortgage and bills doesn't mean you don't have any rights to the house. Are you married? In which case in the event of the event of a divorce all assets should be split 50:50. Furthermore, are you named on the mortgage?

Chocoholic36 · 03/03/2014 07:44

Thank you cookie lady.

Yes we are married - have been for 12 years. I am not named on the mortgage that's where I am stuck. He won't leave and I suppose I can't make him.

I am going to ring the council first thing to see if they can help me.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 03/03/2014 07:49

personally I think you need to speak to a legal bod to get clued up on what you're entitled too.. especially as you're married.

find one and make an appointment.. baby steps all add up eventually.

Or you could ask for an open marriage if that's the only issue and your husband refuses to change.

bedraggledmumoftwo · 03/03/2014 07:51

You have been with him since you were sixteen? It sounds like he takes you staying for granted. I would not be worried about the lack of sex/romance part, but if he laughs at you asking him to leave he sounds like a jerk.

i would also not believe him that you are entitled to nothing. If you are married and the mother of his children you will certainly get your share, it doesn't matter that you have been a sahm.

what do you ultimately want, for him to pay more attention? You may have to leave even if it is the former, just for him to realise how serious it is. Taking the kids, obviously. Do you have family you could stay with?

bedraggledmumoftwo · 03/03/2014 07:53

Sorry, meant do you ultimately want to stay, with him paying more attention, or to leave?

Waltonswatcher1 · 03/03/2014 07:53

Boredom is no justification for breaking up a family and risking your children's well being .
I think you need to exhaust all other options first to try and reignite the spark . Time together when the kids are at school is a good place to start, go on a date day - there's less pressure for sex at the end of it !
Think carefully about your needs and dependencies on him for emotional well being ie are you no longer satisfied being a SAHM ?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/03/2014 07:53

It doesn't make you a horrible person to want a happy life. Your Mum is very wrong to talk about ruining children's lives and threatening to cut you off etc... It's not her life that's miserable.

You got together very, very young and you'll have both changed a lot in the last 12 -15 years. In your case you seem to have gone in different directions and that's very common. Other people are luckier, that's all.

I'd suggest you look into the practicalities and get yourself informed. Many solicitors offer a free initial consultation in which you can find out a lot about things like asset/property division, maintenance obligations and so on. CAB are very good with divorce information as well.

Once you have the information then talk to your DH from a position of knowledge and strength. Tell him you're unhappy and see if things can change. Whether you end up together or apart, you'll at least have made a choice rather than feeling trapped

myroomisatip · 03/03/2014 07:56

Speak to a solicitor and also CAB.

You are not a horrible person. You are entitled to be happy and if your DH wont make any effort in your relationship YANBU to leave.

I would try to build a life outside of your relationship. Do you have any friends? hobbies?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/03/2014 07:56

"Boredom is no justification for breaking up a family and risking your children's well being ."

There is a lot of evidence that DCs who grow up in an acrimonious atmosphere or where one parent is visibly unhappy or taken for granted are at just as big a risk of being emotionally damaged as those who grow up with parents apart. . Staying together 'for the sake of the children' can be a very poor reason.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/03/2014 08:02

Yanbu.
I do wonder though if you are bored,and are looking to your dh to 'entertain' you? Whereas all he wants of an evening is a rest from work. what do you do from 9 till 3 every day? Do you have hobbies or could you get part time work?

Joysmum · 03/03/2014 08:38

2 things here:

Firstly, stop looking to him to make you happy. Think about what you want a do it yourself. Happiness comes from you being who you want to be

Secondly, if you are doing all you can do to make you happy and are still in satisfied with your marriage, you can't try hard enough for both of you. If he doesn't want to change things then nothing will change, despite your best efforts. It's then up to you to decide whether to end your marriage.

tigermoll · 03/03/2014 08:46

I know this is an unpopular view on mn, but have you considered suggesting to your husband that the two of you have a companionate marriage? You could stay living as co parents and support each other emotionally, but you would both have freedom to pursue romantic and sexual freedom outside the marriage. It would require good communication and mutual respect, but it is doable. It might be an option that allows you to stay in your marriage and be happy. I know a lot of people will clutch their pearls and be outraged, but honestly, you would be surprised how common this arrangement is. It's not for everyone, but it's worth thinking about.

Anniegoestotown · 03/03/2014 08:51

You are the primary carer and because no court likes moving children from their home you could be awarded the house and your dh would have to move out.

Happened to a df who's dh owned the family home. He had to move out and she lives in the family home with her dc.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/03/2014 08:52

Companionate or open marriages are an unpopular option because they don't work on a lot of levels. If a marriage isn't working both of the people in it can agree to separate & move on with their lives in different directions whilst still being excellent & supportive co-parents. Staying trapped in some fake half-marriage involves deception, solves nothing and potentially creates many more problems.

Anniegoestotown · 03/03/2014 08:54

What do you do from 9-3 everyday.

There speaks someone who has never tackled a school run.

Chocoholic36 · 03/03/2014 08:54

Thank you for your advice. Yes we have been together since I was 16. I am not bored and looking at him to entertain me. I just want us to have a nice life together.

We seem to have lost respect for each other and he speaks to me like poo. Please don't think I haven't tried because I have I mentioned the date thing because I have been trying to get him to do things just us so we can try and get that 'spark' back. He has just never been interested. He want to spend all of his free time with the children. I love spending time with them too but sometimes - a Saturday night maybe - I would like them to go to bed before 10 (he lets them stay up) so we could spend some time together talking. When I have explained this to him he says I should be lucky I have a husband who wants to spend his time with his children instead of down the pub or at the golf course. I know this and it makes me feel even more bad.

I went through a bout of depression a few years ago and every time I try to talk to him or cry he blames this and says I am obviously not better and I should go and see the dr. I am not depressed just unhappy in my marriage. Yes I'm not perfect but I don't feel I am asking for much for my husband to hold my hand whilst walking? I am crap at getting up in the morning (I get up about 20 minutes after him) and he holds this against me constantly he says this is the reason our marriage has no spark!!
Yes I am a sahm but I also should have put I run a small business from home so I don't need to get a part time job. I have a fantastic group of friends so I'm not looking at him to entertain me.

The reason I want to leave him is he doesn't want to try, I feel I can't carry in like this forever. After reading everyone's comments its made me realise I am being selfish to the children they idolise their dad and I would be breaking it all up because I am unhappy.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/03/2014 08:59

I don't think you're selfish. Several others don't think so either. It is wrong for him to say you're lucky he doesn't play golf or whatever. That's like saying 'you're lucky I don't hit you'.... it's not about comparisons with the bad behaviour of others, it's about compatibility, respect and affection.

If you're being subjected to little digs and jibes, rejected in favour of the DCs and living with someone who doesn't appear to accept any fault whatsoever than depression is a logical outcome. Being spoken to 'like poo' is another way of saying you're being bullied. Come over to the Relationships Board and you'll find a lot of people, just like you, experiencing emotional bullying and suffering, just like you, from low confidence, depression, anxiety and the wrong belief that it's somehow all their fault.

You're not trapped and you're not selfish for wanting better.

tigermoll · 03/03/2014 09:04

Thanks for your view, cogito. I disagree with you, but this isn't really the place to debate that. I was posting to let the op know that there were more options than just ltb /stay and be miserable. I was prepared for standard vitriol against open relationships, most often from people who've never been in one, though perhaps you have, I don't know.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/03/2014 09:07

There may well be more lifestyle options but you should read the OP's words rather than pushing your own agenda. They are depressed, rejected, miserable and feel trapped with a man that has no respect for them. They are not robust enough mentally and their confidence is not high enough to be able to cope with an open marriage.

behindthetimes · 03/03/2014 09:08

YANBU but would agree with the other posters that say breaking up a family is a serious business, if you are not suffering abuse, the children are happy etc. It's very hard if he is not willing to change and I can understand why you would feel depressed. Most advice on marriage assumes both members of a couple are willing to change, if only one of you is, it's so much harder.
I left my DH and took DS, but for rather more serious reasons (not that your reasons aren't very important, but I felt that we were in danger). It woke DH up to what he was doing, I went back and almost a year on, our relationship is very different.
I do think you could perhaps concentrate on finding your happiness elsewhere (I know you say you have job/friends etc, but could things be even better?). That might actually inspire hubby to get his act together!
I wish you all the best in working out what you need to do. No matter what anyone says, your family or people on here, only you know what you can tolerate.

ThefutureMrsTatum · 03/03/2014 09:10

I don't think your being selfish. If your not happy then you need to make changes. Your still really young too and have a lot of years ahead of you potentially miserable if you don't do something about it. One day your kids will leave home and you'll be still there, miserable. They will forgive you and he can carry on being a loving father.
I think you need to have a serious conversation with him and tell him where your at and give him the option to help you get your marriage back on track. If he's not interested then leave. You only live once, don't waste it being miserable.

MomentOfTruth · 03/03/2014 09:14

First of all YOU ARE NOT SELFISH!!!
Sorry for shouting but seriously, this guy takes you for granted. he has no interest in you and no interest in your relationship. Yes he spends all his free time with the dcs. Don't you sometimes have the feeling he is actually using the dcs to avid spending time with you? because from your description this is exactly what he is doing.

Agree with others re getting some advice on the legal side.
Also stop calling yourself a SAHM. You have a business. yes you run it from home, like a lot of other self employed people. It doesn't stop the fact you are working. Would that income be enough for you to live on?

And don't get stopped by his excuses. His answer to you saying you want him out is just :( and shows how little he thinks about you. You're not even worth a small effort to fight for. No you are just supposed to 'stay at your place' as he will keep everything and you are entitled to nothing! Well here is some news for him. That's WRONG. You are the main carer for the dcs, they will stay with you. You have been married for 12 years, you are entitled to half of all your combined assets, ie half of the house etc... Plus he has to give you some maintenance for the 3 dcs.... From where I stand he has much more to lose than you (and I think he knows iot perfectly)

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amverytired · 03/03/2014 09:15

Please ask for your thread to be moved to Relationships. You will get a lot of support there from posters that better understand your situation.

abitsc · 03/03/2014 09:16

You sound like me in some ways.

The thing is, for me when a major decision comes down to direct conflict of your own wants and your children's needs, obviously your own wants must lose. Which leaves you where? In an ongoing torment that's hard to bear.

I don't know what to tell you really except what you probably already know, I understand how difficult it is.

YANBU. Hang in there.

MomentOfTruth · 03/03/2014 09:18

Btw yes 'breaking up a family' is serious business. But don't you think that that man who has refused to change in any way for the last 9 years isn't the one who has broken the family?
Don't you think that the person who is 'talking like poo' to his partner isn't the one who is breaking the family?
And what about the dcs? Do you really think they are happy in a family where one partner is miserable and bullied to 'keep het at her place'? Do you really think they can't see all that, the fact that their dad doesn't care about their mum, that it's his way and nothing else?
The person who is breaking the family isn't always the one who is leaving you know.....

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