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To feel sad that I've never had a best friend?

(29 Posts)
Onelittlebugbear Sun 02-Mar-14 18:12:07

I've had lots of friends over the years but none I can say I've ever really felt a connection with. The friend I've always called my best friend because I've known her over 20 years isn't really. It was bought home to me when I told her that my first cycle of ivf had failed and she didn't bother to call or answer my texts.

I wonder what's wrong with me that I've never been able to make this relationship. Sometimes I think it's because generally I'm quite self sufficient and mostly don't seek out the company of others. I'm happiest at home on my own. Sad really. I wonder if it's because I'm an only child or if it's some weird thing that I'm lacking in.

Usually it doesn't bother me but sometimes it makes me feel a bit lonely that basically I'm on my own.

bodybooboo Sun 02-Mar-14 18:14:41

my best friend is my dh. do you have a partner or are you single doing the IVF?

Primrose123 Sun 02-Mar-14 18:17:07

Me too OP, I am an only child too, and usually quite happy on my own. I've always had friends but not really close. I have what I would have thought was a best friend, but like you, things have happened that make me feel that she doesn't feel the same way. I guess DH is my best friend really.

hootloop Sun 02-Mar-14 18:19:23

My best friend is my DH, I don't feel I am missing out.
I don't have any close friends at all let alone a best friend, I drifted apart from my school friends and they were never replaced. I chat to the school mums but their is nobody I can call for a chat and never has been. So I know where you are coming from.

Mumof3xx Sun 02-Mar-14 18:20:02

I've not had a "best friend" since I was 19 and found out I was pregnant

Most of my friendships disintegrated after that tbh

Not that bothered though I have my oh, three dc, family and work colleagues

Onelittlebugbear Sun 02-Mar-14 18:20:18

Yes I have a dh but I wouldn't describe him as my best friend. We don't have many of the same interests really. He's not my best friend in the way a imagine a female best friend to be.

I don't have any friends I could rely on in a crisis but then I think I'm really quite private and wouldn't anyway. My mom is probably my best friend but (and I know it sounds awful) I'm aware there will be a time she won't be around and I think then I might be lonely.

vinyard68 Sun 02-Mar-14 18:36:55

Sadly best friends don't necessarily last a lifetime - I "broke up" with mine a few years ago and it has made me realise it's better not to focus too exclusively on one friendship. I grew up an only child and if anything it's made my friendships more intense.

Shinyshinyface Sun 02-Mar-14 18:43:29

I don't have a best friend, haven't since Uni really. Since then I have had lots of friends at times, but I'm at a time of my life when I don't seem to have any close friends at all and not many of the distant variety either. I think I'm not good at maintaining friendships for some reason and after my divorce 5 years ago, lots of "family" friends slipped into the ether.
I don't have a partner either and so end up telling my 3 teens lots of things that probably bore them rigid but I need someone to listen to grin
Ah well I've just outed myself as a total social freak now.
<whistles nonchalantly>

Fancynancypants1 Sun 02-Mar-14 18:49:47

I'm an only child too and had a best friend since age four until last year since. We led different lives as I had a child in earlt twenties while the BFF and her friends partied all through their twenties. I just didn't follow suit. I have been quite solitary but find my companions are really my mum and aunt and I'm close to my dad too. I hope to be my daughter's best friend, she says I am anyway and we have fun together. And when I have had a boyfriend, we have tended to be good friends too. I guess some people are just more sociable than others. This friend has an enormous social circle and three best girlfriends. She said they were her family, didnt have much time for her own family. So I suppose its just different strokes for different folks. But I agree OP, I have felt a little sad over it too. And I do think its a trait of only children.

FamiliesShareGerms Sun 02-Mar-14 18:54:59

I have a few people that I am really close to and could depend on in a crisis, but no single person who knows me better than everyone else in the world. I suppose DH probably falls most into the last category, but every now and then I do wonder if I have just missed out on that particular relationship - or if the 1:1 BFF is a convenient TV construct that is relatively rare in RL.

WooWooOwl Sun 02-Mar-14 18:59:22

The friend that hasn't called you, have you spoken to her since the IVF at all?

Is there a chance she could have something going on in her own life that means she doesn't feel able to be supportive?

I'm the sort of person that shuts down a bit when I'm going through something difficult, it makes me not want to speak to anyone because I don't usually want to talk about the thing that's upset me until it's over, but I don't feel like talking about anything else either.

It might be that the friends you have are similar. Not everyone wants to be closer to their friends when they are having a hard time.

Crowler Sun 02-Mar-14 19:01:56

I've had two best friends in my lifetime, one sort of petered out naturally (although we still speak) and the other - we had a painful falling out. I have never really recovered from the latter.

That said, my husband has become my best friend over the years and I don't feel the pain as acutely anymore.

Oubliette0292 Sun 02-Mar-14 19:11:56

I don't have a best friend either. I used to, but his DW apparently felt threatened by our friendship so he isn't allowed to see me anymore confused.

I'd been married to DH for 5 years and had 2 DC by the time he met her, so I don't really understand why our friendship bothered her so much - it never bothered DH.

I understand why he chose his DW over our friendship, but it does make me sad not to have a best friend anymore (I'd known him since primary school).

HuntingforBunting Sun 02-Mar-14 19:37:19

Best friends are overrated in my mind. They are often unequal and can end in painful disappointment. Don't feel too down about it. I'd say people thought I had lots of good friends but I have no one to turn to except dh when I'm really low.

Burren Sun 02-Mar-14 19:48:37

OP, sorry to hear about the IVF. I think you are overrating the concept of the 'best friend', though, and I don't think you should necessarily aim to be your daughter's best friend, either. A mother is a very different thing, though it's lovely, obviously, that you are close to yours, and that you'd like to replicate that with your daughter.

As you say you are not wildly sociable, and are happiest at home alone, then wouldn't you perhaps find a best friend potentially a bit suffocating, if he or she were continually in your house or wanting you to do things? Have a look at the current 'AIBU to be happy in my own company?' thread - lots of people on there groaning about people continually trying to drag them out to do things, when they want peace and solitude.

That she let you down when you needed her doesn't necessarily mean this woman wasn't your best friend, either - there's nothing in the concept of the BF that means they aren't as fallible as anyone else.

RafflesWay Sun 02-Mar-14 19:50:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RafflesWay Sun 02-Mar-14 19:54:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsPickle Sun 02-Mar-14 19:56:41

I have very close friends and people that I could probably call on in a crisis but wouldn't say I've a 'best friend'. As a teenager I probably did but that was partly geography and there were always others. What I find is that I tend to have friendships which can be very close over a period and then our lives move on and we become less close. I feel that since have my second child I have been less good at proactively keeping in regular touch with people-my closest friends all either also now have children or have had other significant projects. We are scattered all over the country and we don't have room to have lots staying, hopefully we'll be able to remedy that one day...and by the time we've travelled to see family and blocked in some downtime weekends the year flies past. I regret it though, can't believe it's march already!

Pollyputthekettle Sun 02-Mar-14 21:00:49

I have lots of friends. Some close and others just for fun times but none are 'best'. I think its largely a tv sitcom producers dream. It's a bit 'friends' and isnt the world full of fwuffy lickle bunnies.

I like people but there are alot of aresholes about. I think its better to be a little guarded. Not to the point you won't open up but choose those people wisely.

falulahthecat Sun 02-Mar-14 21:17:27

I think I was wary of getting close to people after some HUGE betrayals in teenage years, then I met DP and he is, without doubt, my best friend.

My other (very close but not best ;p) friend put it brilliantly - "Who else would I want to have dinner with EVERY night?"

That being said, BDP (before DP) I think a lot of it was to do with me being no good at 'girltalk', I've always been a bit of a history geek and/or morbid and not very interested in celebrity gossip etc. and it can be hard to find other girls like that in your teens. I've always got on better with blokes in the workplace too, and have never been 'competitive' looks wise etc. which I think comes across as arrogance to some people (despite the fact I have actually just given up caring... :p)

I've also always been 'reclusive'. During most summer holidays I was happy playing with just the neighbour kids, DM used to press me to ask people around but I was also happy pootling about by myself!

I think having a BFF 4EVA is kind of just another one of those things film and media tell us will be amazing and we should all as normal human beings have, but life isn't always that easy, as we all know. grin

bigTillyMint Sun 02-Mar-14 21:20:31

I am an onlie, but my experience is very different to yours.

Over the years I have had several best friends. I have also had two sets of twins as best friends! I have also have had lots of close friends and like to have a big circle of friends. I have a grown-up best friend who has been very dear to me over the last 15 years, and our children are also very close, despite being 200miles apart (the joys of social mediasmile) and other friends from my school and university days as well as friends I have made since.

My DM has NEVER been my best friend - we are poles apart! And I wouldn't say DH was my best friend either. He is my DH!

lazyhound444 Sun 02-Mar-14 22:37:32

I don't have one BF but I have about 6 people in my life who could easily be classed as my BF. I also consider my DH to be one of them, my dog is on the list as well!

Oneaddoneisthree Mon 03-Mar-14 02:27:12

I am also an only child OP and can relate to what you say, apart from the bit about your mum as that is not the case for me!

To be honest I never thought much about this until recently. I always had friends around me, changing naturally with different phases of life. When my children were small I socialised mainly with other mums, still keeping in touch with old uni friends for example, but not seeing them very often.

If you had asked me before I probably would have said DH was my best friend, however in the last year I have made a wonderful friend who I know I could turn to in a crisis. We became friends not because we had children the same age or worked together, but rather because we were drawn together as people. I can't honestly say I've had a friend like this before and it is wonderful. She enhances my life in so many ways, not that DH doesn't, but it's different.

I would say however that having only one "best" friend could mean that there are times when you feel you have to give support without receiving anything in return. My friend has had some problems recently, so my role has become that of listener. I am so happy I can be there for her at the moment and I know she would do the same for me. I am sorry that your "friend" has not been there for you and wonder if she is going through something difficult at the moment too?

bigTillyMint Mon 03-Mar-14 17:32:00

Actually, I have just realised that I have also been/am still friends with one half of 3 more sets of twins. Does this make me a weirdo?!

MyBaby1day Tue 04-Mar-14 03:09:52

I am also an only child (wow, there are so many of us on here)!! smile and yes, the one thing I feel I lack is having plenty of friends. At school the other kids were nothing like me and even as I got older I never found the special one, the one from my dreams. I'm close to my Mum but that's it. I have Facebook friends (2 of them live in America and we plan on meeting this year) and people I chat too and we're alright but no-one really special. So you aren't alone OP. I just hope that one of these days (probalay when I'm least expecting it) a nice friend will come into my life, that someone who "gets me" is out there and we are destined to meet. I speed him/her to come!. But no, me neither, no-one I can call my best friend. Anyone out there ever lonely feel free to message me, I am happy to chat.

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