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Or is DP?

(18 Posts)
TwittyMcTwitterson Sun 02-Mar-14 17:48:22

A bit of background... Had a bit of a difficult time the months up to and following Xmas last year (12 not 13) my dad split up with a girlfriend and decided to go on a 3/4 month alcohol binge. It was like alcoholism but only a short period so I don't know what you'd call it. He spent over 6k on alcohol and didn't work, eat etc. he needed help and I spoke to a lot of his friends that I haven't for a long time. One decided to tell me there was a big family secret and gave a few hints, saying I should ask my mum. This man is an absolute prick and had no right saying anything. Nothing more needs to be said about him.

I rang my mum and basically said 'dads not my dad is he?' She gave me a very long story about how my mum and dad split and she got with another man, she then found out she was pregnant. Paternity has never been established. she dated the other guy for several months, her and my dad made a mends and got back together (until I was 11/12) He's always been there for me and has been fantastic. Since I found out I feel no need to take a paternity test, it simply wouldn't matter. Why bother.

The way this all happened, responses to it and the 'shame' bought on the family really messed up my mum and she still struggles to get over it.

When I found out, I had a little cry. I was upset everyone knew and lied to me. DP was never supportive.

His beliefs are that this is all a lie. It is clear my dad is my dad. Why would any man be there for a kid he thought wasn't his?! I talked about it Friday night as it came up in conversation and I told DP about the conversation.

His response, to paraphrase, was... Not this again. I don't see why you are so upset. You haven't handled it well. You even cried about it. Your mum made it up for attention. Your dad is your dad. I'll even pay for the paternity test to prove its a load of shit. I don't see why you bring it up all the time (this is pretty much first time since it all happened)

He genuinely doesn't see the issue. His mum told him she was shocked by his insensitivity at the time. She apologised to me saying something like she didn't raise him like that (she is absolutely lovely, perfect MIL)

I can't think of anything to say to him to make him understand. He literally thinks my mum got bored one day and made it up so I'm stupid to believe it. It hurts that my one support pillar isn't there for me and I can't rely on him. When I told him, he said he is there to support me but not for rubbish like this!

I know domestic violence is wrong but Sometimes...

MyNameIsKenAdams Sun 02-Mar-14 17:54:03

He is a dick.

Not because "you are right and he is wrong" but because you are upset by something and he isnt even being slightly understanding.

Something that is important to you should matter to him because it matters to you. The very defonition of support from a partner.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Sun 02-Mar-14 17:56:09

Which of you is being unreasonable?

Oh. It's him. It's him alright.

When you love someone, you don't decide what they may or may not legitimately be upset about.

You simply support them when they were upset.

This is something that, quite reasonably, affects you. But you know what, it wouldn't matter WHAT it was, wouldn't matter if it actually was a stupid or trivial thing (it isn't), your partner should care enough about you to care that something upsets you, whether they think it makes sense or not.

If his mum is as lovely as you say, get her to tell him his own parentage isn't what he thought. See how he likes them apples.

(don't do that. that's shit advice. I just think he's a dick, that's all)

NeedsAsockamnesty Sun 02-Mar-14 17:56:58

Sounds like he's being UR but you are also a bit by repeating the attempts to change him being a dick

Topseyt Sun 02-Mar-14 17:59:57

He is a total arse-wipe.

Of course it matters to you. His reactions here don't bode well for the future. If he can't support you properly here then he will not on future issues either.

LEMmingaround Sun 02-Mar-14 18:01:25

He sounds like he doesn't know how to help you with this and is frustrated with himself. Have you been talking to him about it alot?

He is being unsupportive yes -i think the key is, how has he been about other areas where you have needed his support?

My DP cannot cope with me being upset (there is a lot of back-ground) and this does upset me sometimes, although things are improving in that regard.

I totally agree with you - it doesn't matter if your dad isn't your biological father, it doesn't mean jack-shit. My DP isn't DD1's bio dad, met him when DD was very young, but he is effectively her dad. There is question over the paternity of my nephew - on DP's side. This has been since his ex was pregnant with the lad - but my BIL decided that it didn't matter and has been a brilliant father to his son, despite going on to have two more children with his current wife.

All of that is just annecdotal and you are perfectly reasonable in being knocked by it and upset - maybe it would help to talk to someone who is unbiased, possibly have some counselling?

Your DP is handling it badly, not you

TwittyMcTwitterson Sun 02-Mar-14 18:03:08

He recently has been told he has a 'secret' sibling. He also thinks that's a load of shit. Possibly, he's avoiding deep issues by saying they're not true.

After Friday, I see no point bringing it up again but it annoys the shit out of me.

LimitedEditionLady Sun 02-Mar-14 18:03:12

Even if you were being unreasonable about what you have found out WHICH YOU ARE NOT your partner would still be being a big stinking bob face because he should be there for you supporting you.

Cringechilli Sun 02-Mar-14 18:04:46

In your position, I would take the paternity test and dump dp. That way you can have a fresh start knowing all the facts. I'm not suggesting it should alter the relationship with your dad, the man who brought you up though.

softlysoftly Sun 02-Mar-14 18:04:50

He is being massively U and unsupportive. I wouldn't trust him to be there for you through any major ups and downs in the future tbh so if you aren't married / kids then get out now.

Oh and the fact he thinks a man wouldn't raise a child not biologically his speaks volumes.

TwittyMcTwitterson Sun 02-Mar-14 18:07:15

Topseyt, some things he's brilliant with. Some things he's a tit. He's an I told you so kinda guy.

LEM, will they always know or not tell them? It's nice to hear other people doing it. When a man chooses to be there as a father, you can never think bad of him. My dad said a day never went by where he didn't panic that I'd find out and not want to know him hmm

TwittyMcTwitterson Sun 02-Mar-14 18:09:27

We have DD. It's not so much raise a kid that's not his, it's raising a kid without knowing. He says surely you would want to know and decide from there. Either way, he's not sensitive shock

There are things he's been supportive over grin

beautyfades Sun 02-Mar-14 18:13:58

YANBU

NeedsAsockamnesty Sun 02-Mar-14 18:17:24

Lots of people would prefer not to know, because they do not wish to deal with the risk that they may not be

FraidyCat Sun 02-Mar-14 18:42:59

When my wife was upset about something I couldn't do anything about, I would try and cheer her up. Then she'd get angry with me for not taking the problem seriously. I diagnosed the problem as her being unhappy, and tried to remedy that. She saw my remedy as a further problem.

He is being supportive, albeit in a stupid way. He's trying to convince you the problem doesn't exist. If he succeeded you would stop being unhappy, and his efforts would have cured the problem.

He's a man. For a man, there are two kinds or problems, ones you can do something about and ones you don't talk about, because there's no point exacerbating misery by dwelling on it. Also, I suppose, you don't want to feel useless and helpless by admitting you can't solve a problem.

Some people, generally men, think dwelling on a problem makes it worse, others, generally women, think talking about it helps. A women's recipe for "helping" is a mans recipe for "making things worse."

Apologies to anyone who is offended by the sexist stereotyping.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Sun 02-Mar-14 18:44:27

things that he deems worthy of support?

Is his support reserved only for those things that he decides you should need support for?

That's not support. Support is unconditional and given because the person who wants it feels they need it, not because the person who can give it decides it is support-worthy.

If you feel you need support because the bastards took the truffle out of the boxes of Celebrations then he should give you a shoulder to cry on and walk to the nearest 24 hour garage to buy you a mini box of lindor.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Sun 02-Mar-14 18:49:44

My husband is like you, fraidycat. It took me so long to get it through his skull that it wasn't down to him to decide what I needed, just to give me what I said I needed and trust that I had the brains to be able to know what I needed from him in terms of support!

And that it isn't always about solving the problem. If it can't be solved, you generally know it! And in such cases, what you are asking for is emotional support.

There's nothing worse than telling someone that your need is X only for them to say no it isn't, what you need is Y.

I don't know how he survived, frankly. grin

TwittyMcTwitterson Sun 02-Mar-14 19:01:25

Fraidycat, totally agree. I read a book called 'why men won't ask for directions and why women can't read maps' or something like that. It said exactly the same thing. I also have a psychology degree but the books more helpful. Still I've asked for support. He didn't give me what I said I wanted.

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