Dds birthday wants to spend time with dad

[RollerCola]

I've got a difficult situation today & don't know how to deal with it. Exh and I split last summer. Dcs (12 & 7) usually see him every weekend & once in the week.

They didn't go to his last night as they normally do as it's dds birthday and she had a party here at mine.

She wanted to have tea today with her dad, just the two of them. But yesterday she asked ds (7) if he wanted to go too. So he thinks they're all going.

Today she's changed her mind again and wants just the two of them to go. Ds is now upset because he feels left out and now won't get to see his dad this weekend.

Exh says he'll happily take them both out but dd (12) is upset because she now doesn't want her brother there. Exh won't make any decisions so it's down to me.

AIBU to tell dd that ds is going out with them too? Ive tried to offer alternatives to ds (like me & him go to mcdonalds) but he really wants to go with them.

[foreverondiet]

I would tell your DD that because she invited her brother to go, its not fair to uninvite. She can have a meal on her own with her Dad another time when she won't invite her brother.

[AgentZigzag]

I would tell her your DS is going, it's not for her to decide and mess him about on a whim, it's not fair when it involves seeing his dad.

Will he not pay as much attention to your DD if DS is there too? Is that what she's worried about?

[Goblinchild]

At 12, she's old enough to understand that having invited her brother, she really shouldn't change her mind again. It's not fair.
Could you and ex organise a future day for her to have alone with her dad?

[BrownSauceSandwich]

Not at all unreasonable. She asked him yesterday, so she's Made her bed... She doesn't have the right to change her mind and disappoint him afterwards. If it's important to her, they could arrange some one-to-one contact some other time.

[Pigsmummy]

Foreveronadiet is right. At 12 she should be ok with reason, could our ex take her out one night in the week on her own or something?

[MomOfTwoGirls2]

Well, since it was your 12 yr old that invited her little brother in the first place, I would insist that little brother now gets included. A natural consequence.
Is there a reason that she now wishes to exclude her brother? Did they have a row?

[RollerCola]

Possibly, she is very close to her dad and enjoys spending time alone with him, but I've explained it's unfair to 'uninvite' her brother.

[WorraLiberty]

YANBU

Just tell her DS is going and tell your DS too!

[RollerCola]

The other issue is that exh only has a 2-seater car. So he rarely takes them anywhere 'out' together. I try to not get involved and made it quite clear when we separated that I wasn't going to be taking the kids back and to to his house just because he couldn't fit them in his car.

So each week I watch painfully while he picks dd up, takes her to his, comes back for ds...

I do pick them up again because watching this even once a week is cringe enough. But this will no doubt affect tonight's tea. I don't know what's happening yet but none of them have thought it through.

Is it up to me to sort it out?

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I guess it is even if it's just for logistical reasons. What would make it easier for your children?

[BarbarianMum]

No. It is not your job to rescue him (2 seater car ffs!)

[AgentZigzag]

I'm guessing you'll just roll your eyes if I ask WTF has he got a two seater when he's got two children

[RollerCola]

Quite, Agent

[RollerCola]

I have said (I know) that I'll drop them both at his house on this occasion as I just can't face the to-ing and fro-ing but dd has already wailed 'but how are we going to get to xxx' now.

[AgentZigzag]

Mid life crisis? Nob extension? Showing off? Attention seeking?

Why would you get a car that doesn't meet your needs?

It's a bit of a kick to the DC.

[GiraffesCantDoMentalArithmetic]

Suggest ExH books a taxi for later so they can go out together?

[RollerCola]

He's had the car since before ds was born (it's v old, and not worth much). No mention of changing it since we split, although he was pretty skint so probably couldn't afford to. However he's just received a large payment in settlement of our house so it'll be interesting to see if anything changes. I just need to stand firm on not making it too easy for him by giving lifts but it's difficult when it makes life harder for the kids.

[Hissy]

What a twat your ExH is.

Ok, I have a convertible, but it's a 2+2, so I 'could' get my (only) DS and one, or 2 of his mates or one and a parent. I could have got a 2-seater, as there is only me and him, but I considered our unit's needs and got the car that fit both boxes best.

For someone to even consider getting a car that won't fit BOTH your kids in is just beyond idiotic!

Your DD has way too much say in the comings and going of your household tbh, inviting then uninviting her brother? Not on! If there's a birthday tea, your ds has as much right to go as she does. The her Preferring to spend time alone with him? I understand one to one time, but the dynamic of the 2-seater, the ditching her brother and this causes me some degree of concern.

By the sounds of it your ex is a tosser, and you sound well shot of him. Your dd seems to be idolising him somehow and that will only cause her pain, now and in th future.

Your ex needs to sort out his car issues, get one that can fit both his kids, rent/borrow another car from a friend or get a taxi.

The message he's sending to them is that they are not important enough to him to consider when buying a car. This degree of disinterest/disconnect is potentially driving the 'clamour' for attention.

You sound a far better role model and example for them than him, but if he's disney dad, what chance do you have.

:(

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"it's difficult when it makes life harder for the kids."
But it's not you making life harder, it is him? So he has a two-seater, and can't afford to change it. OK. There are taxis. And hire cars. And in some cases, borrowed cars from amenable friends, insurance companies willing. No absolute need for the to-ing and fro-ing. That smacks of making a point, to me.

[Hissy]

X-post ré the car.

Agreed, time will tell. All the more reason for you NOT to make it work for him to have such a car.

He's got to grow up.

[RollerCola]

I know, all the things you say about the car are true, and I've said them all to him myself. But nothing has changed, and yes my dd is desperate for his attention. She does seem to worship him and can't see any of his failings. This worries me but I can't badmouth him as it'll drive her away.

I have told her that ds is going out for tea as well and that perhaps she and her dad can do something on their own in the week.

I'm going to take them to his in a bit and leave them to it. I really shouldn't have said I'd take them though, I wish I hadn't but in the heat of the tears earlier I offered after he started up with his 'ok I'll come for dd, then I'll come back for ds'

It's ridiculous.

[MomOfTwoGirls2]

It is ridiculous. But since it is your DDs birthday, and with all the drama already attached, I'd just do it to help smooth things over. But I'd leave him work it out every other week.

For your DDs sake, it sounds like you might need to make it clear to your Ex that DD is expecting to be brought out for tea ad will be very disappointed if he lets her down ??

[RollerCola]

I've just taken both children to his house and made a sharp exit. Dd told me that they were going to get a taxi. Thankfully all signs of the earlier argument have gone and they were both looking forward to refillable coke & unlimited ice cream.

I didn't stay long enough to ask about the logistics so I hope he'll have sorted them out.

[BumpyGrindy]

There you go. All sorted....DD will have learned a lesson about thinking twice but it was nice of her to ask him to go aswell.