To move a few miles away?

[TerribleHumanBeing]

We currently live in area A. My family all live within walking distance. DH's family are all a 5 minute drive away. My eldest is in his last yr of primary and currently all his friends live within a small radius.

So it's a lovely area, and we've been very happy here, but we need a bigger house and to afford that we need to move a few miles (literally three miles) up the road.

My mum is really not happy about this. In fact she's been really quite off with me. She keeps saying how sad it is for the kids to move away from all their friends and how different it will be when we can't just pop in to each other's houses anymore.

Added to this pressure is the fact that since starting ft work I have had less and less time to see my family. I used to work from home so I was always around and we would all see each other every day. My mother was quite cross with me about this on the phone yesterday and said I need to start making more of an effort.

I really feel pulled in all directions at the moment. I have three children and a full time job, social commitments, family commitments, viewings and all that entails.

Area B is still in the same town, the DC will still go to the same schools, there are busses for the older DC and we both drive, it's not the middle of no where and it's not far. And as for seeing everybody else, I am trying my hardest, but it's hard to prioritise seeing people who spend all their time criticising our choices.

Please help me make some sense of all of this, I am so stressed at the moment with everything that's happening and it's sucking all the joy out of what shoudl be an exctiting time, we have had an offer on our house but rather than feeling celebratory I've spent the weekend feeling sick that I'm upsetting everybody.

[Jinty64]

YANBU. Your mother needs to get over herself. You need to tell her how stressed you are and that she is making it worse. You need to do what is right for your immediate family.

[Pigletin]

Your mother is being selfish to make you feel guilty over this. Next time she says something to you tell her you'll be more than happy to stay in the area if she covers the difference in house prices between area A and area B.

[crazykat]

Just ignore it. You have to prioritise your DCs and DH and what's best for you. It's not the end of the earth you're moving to. I live literally down the road from my dad, but if I had the chance of a bigger house for us that's the other side of town I'd jump at it.

Could your mum be lonely? It could be why she's unhappy that you're not around as much as she's on her own more.

Does she drive? If not she could be worrying how much she'll see you once you move if you always have to go to her, especially if she's used to being able to pop in when she feels like it.

What it comes down to is that you need to move for your family, it will be better for your DCs to move somewhere with more space and its only 3 miles.

[TerribleHumanBeing]

I meant to add that we are actually moving closer to DH's family, we will be equidistant from everyone. And we currently only see DH's parents/ siblings once a month or so and they are fine with this.

And DS1 will be at secondary from September so will have new friends from all over the area, DD will be next year, and DS2 is only 2 so not fussed. The DC are all really keen on the move.

[TerribleHumanBeing]

Mum is far from lonely. Mum, Dad and my brother live in house A, my sister lives opposite, we live a few doors down and my other sister lives round the corner. She drives, and works pt and has lots of friends and family.

I am breaking away from the current structure and it's unsettling her, i get that, but I can't cope with teh digs about it.

[ihatethecold]

That's awful.
Very unfair if your mother to so that.
Personally I would put her feelings aside and not allow myself to be blackmailed by anyone.
You are an adult.

Good luck with your move. I think you should be doing it.

[TerribleHumanBeing]

There is a house for sale down this road, it's half the size but still big 'enough' as in it has four bedrooms, and I know my mum and sister are disappointed that we won't even view it. But it's apples and oranges compared to the house we are buying.

Initially we were only looking at houses in this specific area, but we would have been limited to an extended semi and a small 4th bedroom, the house we are buying is detached and has masses of living space. We can't compromise on space just to stay in the area, we would be spending all that money to gain one small extra bedroom, which is nuts.

[TerribleHumanBeing]

And look at me justifying it. FFS. It's OUR CHOICE.

[EugeneKrabs]

3 miles is bugger all. They need to get a grip.

[GingerMaman]

Yanbu. Just ignore her, she'll come round to the idea once you've moved.

[RedorBlack]

YANBU, it's 3 miles for heavens sake.

You are doing what is best for your family, you want to move, dh wants to move, dc want to move. Nobody else gets a vote!

Try a breezy "at least we decided not to move to x (insert name of town much further away)" alright that was never on the cards, but your mum doesn't know that

[CarryOnDancing]

3 miles? I can't see why the distance you live now or will live would make any difference to how much you see either side of the family?
We are talking minutes in the car?

You really have to put your DC and DH first, especially as it's such a small distance. Obviously your Mum likes having you all close and is probably proud of the fact all her children want to be so close to her (she probably tells everyone and thinks it's shows what a good parent she is). So even though it's selfish and misguided of her to put this pressure on you, she's probably just taking it personally.

You should definitely move and just let her know that the open house policy is still in place.
If she doesn't drive can you offer to pick her up?

[greenfolder]

Ah, feck it-just print off some visa applications to emigrate to oz and then leave them lying around. If she has queries it say as you have sold the house you may as well consider all options. She will soon be pointing out the virtues of your new house.

[Lancelottie]

Good grief.

Three miles away? It's further than that to DS's school, and when I'm feeling mean he walks it.

Stop trying to justify any of it. 'Yes, aren't we lucky to find one so close? I thought we would have to leave the area altogether' might do the job.

[TerribleHumanBeing]

CarryOn, I think you've nailed it.

I'm just going to perfect my 'I'm not discussing this' tone with them all.

[Joysmum]

Is there any way you can extend your current house, rather than moving?

We've added a ground floor extension to provide a large kitchen, and a loft conversion giving a good sized main bedroom, dressing room and ensuite that's bigger than the family bathroom. We've now got a fab house for much cheaper than we could have bought for.

[YellowDinosaur]

3 miles? Ffs. I think you need to tell her that her attitude is going to be what influences how much you see her not 3 fucking miles.

My sister lives in new Zealand. We all supported her in her move because it was what she wanted and what was right for her. That's what normal families do.

[TerribleHumanBeing]

We have looked into extending, and yes it woudl be cheaper, but even with the maximum amount of extension it would still be smaller than the house we are buying.

And it woudl still be an extended semi, versus a four bed detached.

[Lancelottie]

Your mother is a loon.

Or possibly on a different planet from the rest of us.

Are you seriously hesitating over whether you should compromise on the house your family want in order to shave two and a half minutes off your trip to visit her? If she can fuss about that, she's clearly the type who just likes to grumble.

[truelymadlysleepy]

3 miles is not moving away. That attitude is rather selfish.
Do what's right for your family, she'll get used to it.

[swampytiggaa]

We moved 200 miles away so that we could live by the sea. Suggest that ;)

[Musicaltheatremum]

My children moved away at 18. Eldest 21, is in London. I have seen her for a long weekend in February since 30th December. Youngest is 60 miles away. Pops home every couple of weeks. I moved to dundee from Newcastle aged 18 and my brother went to London area. I see my mum every couple of months. I miss everyone but you adapt. I have my life outside my family and I'm widowed. (2 years) as others have said she needs a reality check.

[SueDoku]

My DS and family live in London, my DD and family 65 miles away - I'm in the Midlands. We still manage to see each other regularly

We moved 20 miles away from our parents when we got married (cheaper housing) and it was strange at first, as I'd always lived in a small area, but you have your own lives to lead

Go for it - just make sure that you see your Mum regularly (and YOU choose how close together the visits are) so that she has very little to moan about... Good luck..!

[missymayhemsmum]

YANBU, but your mum is obviously feeling unsettled by the change, you're working, her grandchildren are growing up, and she's afraid that she won't see as much of you all. And instead of expressing that in an adult-to-adult way she is choosing to do it in a manipulative way.
Can you get some time alone with her to have a mum and daughter chat about how life is changing and make a plan? Maybe a regular weekend lunch together, or ask her to have the kids after school a couple of days a week so she is still involved in their lives?
Every family has a 'normal' amount of involvement in each others lives, yours is way more involved than most (I'd love to have a relative within an hours drive!) Are you and dh actually looking to rebalance things a bit so that work, each other and your kids are your top priority? In which case yanbu at all!