to have quite firmly told my mum no

[mymiraclebubba]

ok so i am quite prepared to be told iabu and this is probably more of a rant as dp is at work and i am sitting here stewing so i will give background and try not to drip feed.

I had PFB dd in August last year after 17 years of being told that i was infertile. From day 1 of finding out i was pregnant my mum has been a nightmare with regards to interfering and telling me what i must and mustn't do and since dd was born my mum has tried to take over on everything to give you some examples
-day i brought dd home from hospital she tried to take her away and give her a bath after i had said dp and i wanted to take her home so that we could have some quiet time together and do her first bath. Mum got really cross and huffy because 'she is my first grandchild and i want to give her her first bath'

• she will literally snatch the pushchair off me and storm off round the shop with it and when i point out that she needs to ask me before walking off with my dd she again gets very nasty about it
  
• i am ff due to a medical condition and because of this mum has insisted that i leave dd with her while i go shopping/see friends etc - i appreciate this is a lovely offer but mum smokes like a fricking chimney, the house stinks and dd stinks after having a cuddle with her. she refuses to change after having a fag and in spite of me pointing out the guidelines state there should be an hour between her having a fag and then holding dd to prevent secondary smoke she told me 'its all a load of bollocks so i won't be doing that'.
  

So the issue tonight...

DD has developed a what the HV described as temporary lactose intolerance - she says it can happen when weaning starts (no idea if this is true or not) and can be triggered if they have eaten something that disagrees with their tummy or if they have had a bit of a bug. As a result she has the most awful nappy rash that was clearing up but then yesterday started bleeding. the Dr has given me some perscription cream and told me not to use anything else. Mum has decided that vaseline is the answer and is demanding i use it on dd - i mentioned it to the HV who said she didn't think that was the answer as the skin was broken (GP agreed last night) and to only use a medicated cream like sudo to prevent infection.

I called at mum's to drop off something she had left here the other day when she popped over and had to change dd's nappy while i was there, Mum tried to snatch DD off me and proceeded to have a go at me about the state of her bum and then grabbed some vaseline out of her changing bag (mum has one set up for when i take dd there) and tried to put it on dd. I asked her not to as the Dr had prescribed cream but mum carried on so i quite sternly told her that i was not going to use it as the dr had told me not to and neither was she. Now she is in a huff with me and not speaking to me.

So am i being a PFB over this or is my mum genuinely pushing her luck?? As an aside my dsis is now pregnant and says mum has barely shown any interest, but i live close whereas she lives 2 hours away

[TeaMakesItAllPossible]

YANBU

Your baby. She's had hers. Put distance, emotionally, between you

[Gruntfuttock]

Your mother can seem to understand that you are your daughter's mother and not her. How dare she say "'she is my first grandchild and i want to give her her first bath'? That's outrageous and she's completely out of line. I am pleased that you are standing up to her but it must be so stressful for you and I'm so sorry that you're being subjected to this. Your mother should be available as a support to you - if and when you want her to. That is very different from taking over.

[MrCabDriver]

You are obviously not being unreasonable.


What's your relationship like? Could you talk to her?
Say you love the fact that she cares so much and is there to help you etc, you really appreciate it and all, but she is your child and you are happy with the choices and decisions you make yourself...remind her it's YOUR first experience too

[Gruntfuttock]

I meant "can't seem to understand" in my first sentence above.

[Batmam]

YAtotallyNBU, she's bang out of order. No advice sorry only sympathies!

[hearthwitch]

congrats on your baby. but that's it, your baby. u need to do what you think is right and tell your mum to back the fuck off

[Topseyt]

Your mum is pushing her luck. That is what I read from your post.

Be as stern with her as you need to, or she will never get the message.

You are the parent. This is YOUR daughter. Her being the grandparent gives her no rights at all. You are the decision maker, so have confidence in yourself. You are doing really well, and she is interfering. Tell her where to go whenever you need to.

[lookingfoxy]

Omg, I would be telling her to fuckity fuck right off.
You need to put some real distance between you right now.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

Quite frankly I'd hope that the not speaking to lasts for another 18 years!

[breatheslowly]

YANBU - I'm surprised she didn't try to choose your DD's name. She sounds intolerable.

[Lottiedoubtie]

I would encourage the not speaking and not go round there OP.

Tell her in a few years weeks that if she is calm and willing to follow your rules she's welcome to visit at yours for short periods.

[mymiraclebubba]

thank you ladies i was beginning to think i was bu and that i should just shut up.

Mum and i have an ok relationship, but we are not friends iyswim. her and my dsis are great pals - go away on holiday together, shopping etc but when i try and do anything with mum it ends in neither of us speaking to the other because she is so damn critical of me and my choices and as much as i try and bite my tongue i end up snapping and having a go at her.

she really is ruining this for me! from day 1 she has made comments about me being a cow because i won't let dd stay overnight with her and that it took us moving house in Jan before i would leave dd with her for more than 15 mins (and believe me if there had been anyone else she would not have had her then!). She is a very jealous person and i think she envys the time i spend with dd (pathetic i know) i have a great relationship with Mum's sister, she is one of my closest friends and i have confided in her and at the risk of rowing with her own dsis she has stepped in and spoken to mum (who refuses to listen when i talk to her and basically tells me i am being a bitch). Even her own BFF has told her with no prompting from me that she is out of line but mum just laughs it off and says its her right as Granny

When DD was born my dp's mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given months to live (she lasted 9 weeks) and so i took DD up to the hospital every other day so that she could spend time with her Grandma and DP's mum could have as much time as possible with DD - mum knew why i was doing it but kept telling me i shouldn't be taking her up and should be leaving dd with her while i went.

It's no bloody wonder I have an anxiety disorder!

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

Although I'm trying hard to be fair and say, well your mum resigned herself to not being a grandma for 17 yrs so is likely to be overexcited... I'm sorry I just can't!

I feel your upset and stress pouring off the page, and NO it's NOT OK

You are dds mother, and she is a precious precious little thing to you, after never being able to imagine yourself as being one, you are right to enjoy every minute.

It sounds like a classic control battle to me. I'm not sure how to advise you at instinctively I want to say tell her to get back in her drawer and remember you are the mum now, not her. but although satisfying in the moment, it probably won't help family harmony long term.

Can you isolate your absolutes, and start giving her clear, firm boundaries. The things that affect your babies health are clearly critical. The smoking, the ignoring doctors advise etc. I also think that her taking the baby without asking you or checking with you is not on.

So I guess I'm saying, time to stop her walking over your boundaries. It will be hard but it's like training a very stupid animal (or determined toddler!).

1. Be clear about what you want from her. Try to say it as a positive versus a 'don't bloody do that!' as people hear it easier
   
2. Enforce boundary kindly but firmly... 'no mum, remember i need you to Blah blah respect the gps advise' or whatever. 3. Repeat ad nauseum... No debates no anger (from you, I'm sure she ll be furious!) just repeat the same phrase over and over, taking your baby out of the situation and ignore her / move away from her. 'well I hear what your saying but what I need to happen is blah now' and just repeat it do she can't tempt you into an argument, because she doesn't sound like she listens to reason anyway.
   
3. And consistently. And with back up, so dp needs to do this too.
   

It's about asserting your right to be the mummy, and protect your little one as only parents do. And establishing some new boundaries as she is stomping all over yours... And I suspect has for a while?

Family patterns don't change easily, but it may be better than all out war.

[CumberCookie]

She sounds like a nightmare, I wouldn't let this woman near a baby.

[LoonvanBoon]

YANBU - she sounds like a nightmare. I don't know anyone dares behave like that; but to tell you how to look after your child when she doesn't even care about not breathing a load of secondary smoke onto her, is just bloody outrageous.

Nip it in the bud. You're the parent, she abides by your decisions if she wants to spend time with you both. Look on the bright side, though - she's not your MIL. At least you can tell her to fuck off / deal with her as you see fit without having to worry about getting a DP /DH on your side first.

[Strikeuptheband]

She sounds like a nightmare and really pushing her luck. You need to make it clear that you are the mother here and she needs to back off. Ignore any sulking...she needs to get this message now or you'll have years of stress ahead.

[LoonvanBoon]

I meant to say I don't know HOW anyone dares behave like that.

[Adeleh]

I wouldn't leave my baby with anyone who smoked like a chimney, or who insisted that they knew better than all the health professionals. YANBU. V sorry you have to deal with your Mum's bullying.

[MoominsYonisAreScary]

I think you need to distance yourself from her, she needs telling firmly that you will be doing things your way. If she gets in a huff tough!

I know its easier said than done but dont let her put a black cloud over these early days with your dc. It sounds like this is what she is trying to do with all her interfering

[IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi]

I would give her one more chance, tell her in no uncertain terms that you will alert your dd as you see fit and you do not want her to interfere or try to take over.

If she carries on then just don't see her

You sound like you're so thrilled to me a mother, please don't let her ruin that for you

[mymiraclebubba]

miscellaneous i have tried this but it falls on deaf ears or ends in her getting arsey and me losing my temper. DP bless him does try and back me up but the situation is a bit awkward as my dad used to be his boss so he is a tad fearful of upsetting him - from the look my dad gave me tonight i am sure he knows how much mum is pissing me off with all of this and bless him he does try and keep the peace but fails more often than not!

I wish to god i could just exclude her from my life but i am not sure that i can - my dad (unbeknown to mum) had been helping me out financially until we moved as my exh has left me in massive debt and as i was off work for most of the pregnancy due to be incredibly ill with HG at the beginning and then as i had to come off all my meds the works occupational health doc banned me from the building and signed me off indefinitely - due to a lengthy period of absence the previous year after a work related injury (the meds relate to this) i had exhausted my company sick pay and statuatory was peanuts so Dad kindly helped out so i feel obliged to keep contact if that makes sense

[scarletforya]

Now she is in a huff with me and not speaking to me

Result!

Yanbu. Be very firm with her and don't feel guilty. If she wants to huff let her.

[Topseyt]

I think she really needs putting firmly in her place, to be honest.

I would be tempted to tell her very firmly that grandparents have NO rights over their grandchildren unless this has been awarded by a family court for any reason.

Then, back off and leave her to stew with no contact for a long time. Don't go to her, wait for her to come to you, and then lay down the law. If she doesn't like it and gets all arsey then you have all your answers.

[wouldbemedic]

YNBU

You are the one giving your mum power by taking any notice of her. I had to learn how to get this right with my own mum. She doesn't deserve anything as such - it's not about rights, (though you do sound as if you would always want to honour her role as GM). You hold all the cards in this relationship now. If you wanted to, you could withdraw all access. That's probably hard for a controlling woman to take and perhaps she's being obnoxious to hit back at feeling disempowered. Whatever the case, you must step up and being firm. Not snappy like a teenager because that only reinforces the idea that you haven't grown up. Treat her like a difficult subordinate at work - respectfully, carefully, firmly. You have to do it as a responsible parent or your DD will end up the loser. She needs a stable relationship with her GM (and she'll only have that if it's sustainable), a peaceful environment with family members supporting each other (she won't have that if you're stroppy and your mum's undermining you) and most of all, a mum who has the emotional space to bond with her and enjoy her.

I suggest you limit the amount of time you devote to this thing - don't live in each other's pockets. Give her once or twice a week that she can look forward to, when she knows that you turn up with the baby and she gets to play, providing she keeps the rules. If she breaks the rules, you warn her and then you leave. She'll sulk, but she'll participate when she realises you mean it I think. Come down hard about the smoking thing. That's really important. I would give an ultimatum on that. She doesn't know the research and it's not her responsibility to make the call - it's your's.

And congratulations on your baby :)

[likeneverbefore]

My Mum was a bit like this when my pfb was born (though not as bad and it was easier to her manage with her living 150 miles away).

But she did the marching off with the baby in shops thing, which used to make me really distressed when DD was a newborn because she used to need breastfeeding all the time and I'd literally stop to look at something in Debenhams and by the time I'd looked up my Mum would have disappeared out of sight with her.

I can also remember her offering to change DD's nappy and her being gone for ages, then when I investigated she was rocking her wildly in the crib in the bedroom while DD screamed her head off (DD was a newborn at the time and used to breastfeed to sleep - there was no way she would just drop off with being rocked).

Anyway, I finally had it out with my Mum not over DD but as every time she came round she decided she was going to 'help' by doing housework I didn't want her to do - she'd pull out my sofas or start interfering with the washing and stuff. It sounds helpful but I'd be begging her to stop it but she'd carry on anyway as if she knew better.

We get on ok now, but she knows not to interfere - it was awkward falling out with her, but it had to be done.

Don't let your mother ruin this time for you all - you're in the right here.