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to feel unfairly treated at work?

(18 Posts)
montgomerymadison Thu 27-Feb-14 20:54:31

Without going into too much detail (hopefully enough without drip feeding) I put in a complaint about a man at work. He has made many reference towards me, saying why I am single, that I am "like a tramp on chips" desperate (butted into a private conversation), slated me by calling me arrogant, childish etc in a team meeting.

The final straw came when a colleague told me he said he was "going to make my life a living hell"

I put in a private complaint to a manager who said that she would have a documented discussion with him. When she had a talk with him (not documented) he said I was the one who was victimising and harassing him (I don't even speak to him unless it is about work).

Basically my word against his.

My manager and a senior manager offered a two way meeting/mediation. This happened and by his reaction I could see he was thinking "oh shit" when I was listing my reasons of why I can be hostile towards him and not want to engage or initiate conversations with him and he had no comeback of how I harass or victimise him.

It ended with to basically sum up - I think you both misunderstood each other, it's just his sense of humour - you are too sensitive, and get over it. I left that meeting visibly upset (I had held it together until the end where I couldn't stop the tears and my managers witnessed that.)

I don't want this man to lose his job or even have a disciplinary but I feel he has completely got away with how he has treated me and it's been brushed aside without any consequences. But maybe aibu because I'm so upset about it that the last hour of work was just a haze.

LexiLouise Thu 27-Feb-14 20:59:38

Do you have an HR department you can put a formal complaint into?

I know this might sound daft but does he fancy you? He sounds like an ungrownup school child but in no way should you have to put of with this at work

How long have you worked together for?

montgomerymadison Thu 27-Feb-14 21:10:29

Almost a year.

I literally survive on a couple of hours sleep a night because I dread coming into work.

There is an HR department .... I've never had to complain about a colleague before and feel my manager has let me down. So I just want to hand my notice in sad

HuntingforBunting Fri 28-Feb-14 13:31:21

I'm sure someone will come on with lots more advice than me but I would say he is harassing you, he is bullying you, and your work place is not putting in place proper procedure to ensure you are protected. There is lots online about this, please read more about your rights. From memory, a claim of sexual harassment has an unlimited award, not that it's about the money it's about this total arse respecting your rights in the work place.

It is neither here nor there if he finds you attractive in any way.

You do not deserve this treatment, and if he needs to be disciplined, so be it.

HuntingforBunting Fri 28-Feb-14 13:32:37

Go to the doctors and ask for support because of work place bullying. Document everything. I'm so sorry you are going through this

HuntingforBunting Fri 28-Feb-14 13:34:39

Have you got support outside of work? Do you feel strong enough to take this to hr?

HuntingforBunting Fri 28-Feb-14 13:36:26

Sorry for repeated posts but I went through similar last year and I'm furious with myself now for having resigned instead of fighting all the way. I wish I had. I know what you are going through and it is hell.

NatashaBee Fri 28-Feb-14 13:42:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

montgomerymadison Fri 28-Feb-14 14:34:30

Thank you everyone, when I left the meeting it was clear that I was still not happy with the situation and I said I feel like he has got away with everything.

I was told not to feel like this and that he has not got away with it and if he does something then it will have consequences.

I feel like what he has done previously should be enough to have consequences (at least a documented discussion) and no consequences surely means that he has got away with everything.

I shouldn't have to wait around for something else to happen.

Goldmandra Fri 28-Feb-14 14:40:21

Could you ask for minutes of the meeting and make sure that the things you said have been properly recorded? You will then either have a good history recorded for use if he carries on or can ask to meet with someone more senior and request that they explain how you could have misunderstood his intentions and how he can be allowed to excuse such inappropriate comments as humour.

You don't joke about making someone's life a living hell and there is no misinterpreting the intention.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 28-Feb-14 15:27:54

OP you took your concerns to the attention of your manager, it was their responsibility to investigate. You gave them a reasonable opportunity to address the issue of bullying. Bullying can be insiduous but once it's been flagged up, you should be confident that they take this and subsequent complaints seriously.

It ended with to basically sum up - I think you both misunderstood each other, it's just his sense of humour - you are too sensitive, and get over it.

It sounds as though your superiors downgraded this to a mere personality clash. In other words, are you are an above sensitive person who took offence at behaviours which fall within the normal range of what might be expected in the workplace?

I'm not legal but would think that your employer is required by law to take reasonable steps to protect employees from harm. So if harm is defined as physical or mental harm caused by workplace stress, you should not be at risk of suffering any medical condition resulting from stress.

At the same time your employer has to act carefully in dealing with bullying complaints and must follow proper procedures with the alleged bully. Don't think he has "won" because he hasn't been disciplined.

Now he has his card marked so to speak your manager will be keeping an eye on him. Any further trouble, report it to HR.

goshhhhhh Fri 28-Feb-14 15:31:41

If it doesn't get better go to HR & request an external mediator/coaching. A good one will work with you both seperately & then together to agree a way forward + agreed behaviours.

thesecowsaresmallthosearefaraw Fri 28-Feb-14 15:54:46

Another MNer said to me that HR aren't there to help you, they are there to protect the company. It is good for the company to have this written up as "personality clash". It is not good for you to have your feelings brushed under the carpet.

Was there any suggestion of the next steps? Is he now on notice to be less of an arse? (technical term)

As Golmandra said, can you get the agreed note of your meeting, so that you can put on record the fact that you do not regard this as a resolution?

Sorry you're going through this.

CHJR Fri 28-Feb-14 16:31:37

You need to stop people like this in their tracks. They'll just do it to the next person if you quit. If you still end up quitting, though, if there's some written record of your complaint with HR, they will be forced to act next time. But help yourself, also: keep a diary of events and comments as they happen, with dates, to show HR. Theoretically that's still your word against his, but a list of specifics should carry conviction.
I also once quit a job I otherwise loved because of a bully. I still wish I'd stuck up for myself better.

HermioneWeasley Fri 28-Feb-14 17:08:00

If you don't want him to be disciplined there's not much else.

If his behaviour doesn't change then complain and insist it's handled formally.

Chottie Fri 28-Feb-14 17:18:05

Where I work there is a procedure in place, which basically is that you can't go straight into a formal procedure. You need to raise the issue informally first with the individual. The person has support to modity their behaviour. Then if things don't improve, it would then move into formal procedure i.e. written warnings, disciplinary meetings and then formal dismissal.

Is he like this with anyone else? If he is, would they also put a written complaint in? This would nullify the 'over sensitive' comment you received.

Could you ask your line manager / HR for a meeting in about 6 weeks time when you could go over all your original complaint and state whether there had been an improvement?

HuntingforBunting Sat 01-Mar-14 09:22:19

Hi op, your thread has been on my mind, hoping your feeling ok and you relax this weekend.

SarahBumBarer Sat 01-Mar-14 09:46:06

Hi OP. I'm really sorry for what you are going through. I do think it sounds more like harassment/deliberate bullying than a personality clash which managers love to class things as since it implies fault on both sides. On the other hand if his conduct does not warrant instant dismissal, gross misconduct, then I think it is right that he has a chance to change/rectify his behaviour. I actually doubt that such a tosser is capable of doing so.

As for meeting minutes as others have suggested. If anything is minimised, put this in writing, obtain (now) a copy of your firm's grievance procedures so that you are doing the right things and if anything else happens follow this and take it further. I am aware of a number of cases (not legal precedent or anything) where "jokey" behaviour has been disciplined because the key thing has been that the "joker" was aware of the effect that their behaviour was having and the fact that they therefore caused the other person to feel bullied/harassed was crucial.

Perhaps post this on the employment rights boards - there are a few HR types/legal bods on there who are really helpful. HR are there to help the company not you, but this includes not having the company hauled up to tribunal for allowing inappropriate staff behaviour/bullying.

Hope you are doing ok.

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