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Where has my 7yo disappeared? AIBU?

(59 Posts)
nocontactforevermore Thu 27-Feb-14 18:19:50

I some times think I'm loosing it. My dd is 7 and seems to have turned into an obnoxious little madame. I can't tell if I'm being unrealistic, harsh, or what.

When I pull her up on something, however minor and however gently or harshly I do it, her favourite phrases at the moment (in an insufferably whiny indignant voice) are
1. It's not my fault!
2. I didn't know I wasn't allowed to do that/say that/that it was rude
3. Whatttttttttttt?

It's been driving me mental. Today she ran towards the road after school. When I told her off , she said all three of the above phrases immediately. Later we were watching a funny video online and she talked all the way through it, when I asked her to stop, she put her hand up and told me to 'shush'. I called her on this and she repeated all the above phrases. I finally snap and say she's lost her tv time for tonight. When out walking to her drama group this evening she argues about said tv time, saying I obviously 'don't like her' and just generally picking at me and I'm getting more and more wound up to the point where I tell her to stop talking to me. She won't stop- and asks me a banal question about something. When I don't respond she said, 'come on! Yes or no?!

Seriously - in recent months I've probably posted 2 or 3 times about her behaviour but even I'm shocked at how much I've let it get to me tonight.

I was ranting and raving (like my own mum) by the time we got home and asked her to leave me alone. I've told her she's going to bed an hour early and she's furious. She is also of course repeating all her favourite 3 phrases above on repeat.

DD followed me round the house wanting to argue and argue so I've come to my bedroom to cool off. I'm a dick aren't I?

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Thu 27-Feb-14 18:37:06

Nope, my daughter does similar things and it makes me wanna bang my head into the wall.

my dd is nearly 7, shes so annoying sometimes.

Quoteunquote Thu 27-Feb-14 18:37:29

It's a great idea to remove yourself and cool off.

In this house, if you want privileges, which are anything with a screen, and the wifi password,

you have to of helped out willingly(no grumping, or need to be encouraged) at all chores and tasks for the last 24hr,

and have been perfectly polite, kind,respectful and lovely (no one has had to remind you how to behave)

Only when you have had a clear 24hr of perfect behaviour can you gain access to the privileges.

As long as you stick to rigidly to being consistant in enforsing this, you will find she quickly learns self discipline,

I do not have spare energy to police children, so I leave it up to them if they want to join in. I haven't had to ask or raise my voice in a very long time.

I expect my children to notice if something needs doing and do it, they are perfectly capable of all tasks, and are well aware at what needs doing, so when we come in each time, or down in the morning, they whizz around and just get it all done in record time, because once everything is done, they are free to do what ever they want.

nocontactforevermore Thu 27-Feb-14 18:44:42

Wow quote, sounds like blissconfused
My parenting at the moment seems to consist of me screaming at dd at least once a day and then feeling like a crap person for upsetting her. She's lovely really, but god she is trying my patience.

nocontactforevermore Thu 27-Feb-14 18:50:01

How do you get them to stop ARGUING with every word that comes out of my mouth? I feel like crying, I am THAT frustrated.
"DD let me tie your hair up, it's in your eyes.
Noooo, it's fine, whhhyyy? There's nothing wrong with it, nooooooooo

DD where's your school cardigan? Oh you lost it? That's not good news.
'Well it's not my fault is it? I didn't lose it, don't blame meeeeeeeee'

She has to get the last word, no matter how much trouble it lands her in...and when asked to leave a matter alone because we've finished talking about it, she won't. She'll come after me demanding to know why I've 'blamed her' punished her, or whatever. She will not let it drop.

Quoteunquote Thu 27-Feb-14 18:59:41

Well I've been doing it a very long time,

but it works, we often have visiting children, it doesn't take long for them to catch on,

I use the energy point system, I believe I only have so many energy points to spend a day, if they want me to spend them reiterating as to what is expected of them or cleaning up after them, then I can't use them to take them surfing, climbing or any of the other activities they(we) value so much,

It takes one person several hours to clean this house and do all the chores, it takes all us working as a team less than 20 minutes, usually less than ten minutes because they have sussed that if you do chores as you go, the tidy up times(group event) are over really quickly.

My mother did not give birth to me to clean up after people who are capable of cleaning up after themselves.

Mine all cook, because since they were very small, if someone was cooking they helped, now they prefer to cook alone, I don't mind what they cook as long as the kitchen id clean before they start and when they finish.

The Amish think we are cruel, because we don't start children off helping when they are toddlers.

Sit your daughter down explain she earns her privileges, how long it takes her to earn them is down to her, once she got it, you will find life a lot less stressful.

I hate being made into the person who has to correct other's behaviour, if someone puts me in that position then they must compansate for the energy used.

JupiterGentlefly Thu 27-Feb-14 19:09:34

'You have no idea how hard my life is' 'You don't care about me' from a 10 year old who had to leave the sodding xbox to go to grandparents because I had to work.
I feel your pain. I really do.

ChoudeBruxelles Thu 27-Feb-14 19:11:03

Ds is seven and the same

nocontactforevermore Thu 27-Feb-14 20:11:11

You have no idea how hard my life is

Hahaha! That just cheered me up no end! smile

TheEarlOfDoncaster1963 Thu 27-Feb-14 20:15:48

Blimey quote - that is amazing. I HATE letting my kids help because it's like having a temp at work - you spend all your energy constantly explaining how to do stuff and I get really annoyed and impatient! Doesn't help that I hate cooking and just want it over as soon as possible; having them "help" (which is really no help whatsoever) just makes the whole process longer and more irritating. I agree though, I should train them up a bit better and then I wouldn't have to yell at them to HELP me!

Dancergirl Thu 27-Feb-14 20:24:09

quotes system sounds good but I would be wary of setting such high standards, eg perfect behaviour for 24 hours. Hell, even I sometimes don't behave perfectly!

I'd go for progress rather than perfection.

Dancergirl Thu 27-Feb-14 20:27:11

It just seems a bit harsh and clinical. We're all human beings, sometimes we react in the wrong way, say the wrong thing, are reluctant to do a chore etc. Seems way OTT to me to ban screens for a minor misdemeanour in a 24 hour period.

ClockWatchingLady Thu 27-Feb-14 20:29:04

I hear you, nocontact.

It's just taken me an hour (and a large wine) to recover from the whiney, shouty onslaught that followed my suggestion that (shock horror) DS (7)clean his teeth.

No answers I'm afraid, but sympathy thanks

ClockWatchingLady Thu 27-Feb-14 20:31:10

Quote, please can I borrow your children?

Liara Thu 27-Feb-14 20:31:56

I'm with quote, good behaviour and politeness are not negotiable. I have too much to get done to go around chasing children.

The children help because we need to be on time so that they have half an hour to watch the TV before bed. If they don't help, it takes longer to get things done and then they don't get that half hour.

End of.

TwoNoisyBoys Thu 27-Feb-14 20:33:34

Yep.....got a DS who's 8 and pretty much exactly the same! Drives you bloody bonkers doesn't it? Nothing of any value to add except kinda glad it isn't just me! Still in half term here, and so sick of the sound of my own shouty voice. When he's just being normal, he's LOVELY.....wonderful company and very loving. But when he's "in one"........sigh......

rootypig Thu 27-Feb-14 20:36:03

Only when you have had a clear 24hr of perfect behaviour can you gain access to the privileges.

I grew up in a house like this. As an emotional environment it was punishing.My relationship with my mother is still coloured by anger and resentment, and I would say that my siblings and I have trouble maintaining healthy relationships.

Just read this quote in a parenting book, it's attributed to Virginia Satir, a psychotherapist:

Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible

AuditAngel Thu 27-Feb-14 20:40:16

Can I suggest the tactic for lost school jumpers? DS used to have 3 jumpers I regularly had to check lost property, check his classroom to recover them. He now has one.

When I had to replace a lost jumper I told him it was the last one I would buy. If he loses it, he has to pay for it to be replaced.

Miraculously, if his jumper doesn't come home, I remind him that he will pay for the replacement and it turns up again as he doesn't't want to waste his money on uniform.

bodybooboo Thu 27-Feb-14 20:43:12

I am not so bothered about chores and helping on a regular basis but expect the kids to do things if/when I ask.

however sulking, rudeness and above all whiny ness was never allowed, that way lies bedroom until nice again.

why are you arguing with her op. don't. tell her she does as you ask it it's bed. end of.

Dancergirl Thu 27-Feb-14 20:43:27

Totally agree rootypig Such expected perfection isn't healthy.

OP, it's just a thought...do you have plenty of fun, nice time with her? I always remember something a very experienced family counsellor told me about dc - the angrier they are, the MORE love they need. I also have a just turned 7 year old. She can at times be a nightmare - rude, stroppy, you name it. Sometimes when she's like this, I offer a kiss and cuddle. This usually has the effect of her calming down straight away and a 'sorry Mummy'

nocontactforevermore Thu 27-Feb-14 20:50:48

Audit I like your jumpers idea- dd hates parting with her money! You know what....I stuck to my guns and sent her to bed early, even though she said sorry and we had a cuddle. That was hard for me because I felt like I was 'carrying it on' but I wanted to really drive home the message of taking responsibility for yourself and behaving like that has consequences etc. Anyway I went up to check and she was fasto within 5 minutes....not like her at all and an hour earlier than her usual bedtime. She was knackered:/ I feel dead guilty!

rootypig Thu 27-Feb-14 20:54:05

She's 7 OP, don't overestimate her emotional capacities

musicposy Thu 27-Feb-14 20:55:54

I'm with quote too. If mine want privileges, to be taken places, to activities, to see friends, to be treated to things, they have to earn it. If they are rude or unhelpful then I've expended my energy on that which leaves me too tired grin to run them around.

I'm not saying I've never had any issues - DD1 was not an easy preschooler and DD2 thought she was going to be challenging at 11 or 12. However, if you have high expectations of them they soon learn that they lose, not you, if they are rude or difficult. Like quote, I always tell them "there are no slaves in this house". There is no earthly reason for them not to be helping with washing, hoovering and cooking. I started expecting some contribution when they were quite young - certainly younger than your DD. I also practised a lot of natural consequences. Forgot your book bag? You can explain to the teacher. Left ballet shoes at home? I didn't tell them off but nor would I go back for them either. They soon learn to be responsible for their things.

It sounds draconian but children are happier with very clear boundaries. Mine are now 18 and 14 and are so close to me and each other. We all get on really well and they seem to be able to tell me most things. More to the point, outsiders, college, school and DD1's job are full of praise for their behaviour and both girls are happy and sociable.

Do not tolerate madamish behaviour at this age or you will have a nightmare on your hands by 12. Make her earn the good stuff Iin her life by being polite and helpful. It will definitely be a battle at first but you'll be glad you did.

Dancergirl Thu 27-Feb-14 21:48:32

I see your point music and it's true dc need clear boundaries. But the problem with this approach is sometimes you can forget to be kind. Anyone can forget something, adults too. If dh forgets something, I don't say, oh well, you'll learn to be more responsible next time. I help him out by bringing the forgotton item if I possibly can. And he would do the same for me.

I want to give my dc the message that it's ok to make a mistake and that families look out for each other and do nice things for each other. Children WILL learn to be responsible, that comes naturally with age and experience, in the meantime a bit of kindness goes a long way.

rootypig Thu 27-Feb-14 22:11:44

Yes, dancer girl! I think we're so hard on our children because we fear their bottomless needs.... But the solution to that is taking tie or yourself, away fom parenting, nt asking them to emotionally self limit. 7 is so small sad

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