to end my marriage via facebook.

[Fairy1303]

I left violent DH in December after he tried to strangle me. He is very emotionally manipulative too, very angry.

Since then, I have lived separately and have seen him to drop off DS etc.
It has been reasonably amicable - but he somehow managed to convince me that he would change, get anger management etc.

It suddenly went from 'if I change, do this, in a years time can we consider dating'

To 'ok so your contract on your house runs out in 6 months and then you'll be back right'?

I have been confused, I did sleep with him 2 weeks ago.

I know that was stupid. I also know that everytime I try to break it off face to face he talks me out of it.

I don't have access to a phone at the moment. So I have just sent him a message saying it is completely over.

I can't face seeing him face to face, I know he will be angry and I don't want to fall into the trap, but I feel like a prick for ending my marriage essentially on facebook.

AIBU??

[Lottiedoubtie]

Yes, but mainly because just telling him on FB has no legal standing!

You need to do it via a solicitor.

You don't need to speak to him without a solicitor present of course.

[WilsonFrickett]

No YANBU. At all. You need to not see him face to face for a very long time, until you are able to cope with it.

DS reading this over my shoulder so I'm going to keep it brief, but you do what you need to do.

[Famzilla]

Have you seen a solicitor?

If you're serious about getting divorced I think that would be slightly more effective than a message on facebook.

[ApprenticeViper]

You feel as though you can't actually speak to him face to face or over the phone because he is twisting everything you say and gets you to change your mind. Let's face it, no abuser wants to lose their grip on their "abusee".

You would be perfectly reasonable to tell him that all contact between you has to be in writing from now on - whether that is by email, facebook or through a solicitor.

Yes, sleeping with him was a mistake, but you know that so don't dwell on it, put it behind you and move on. Good luck

[Fairy1303]

I haven't got a solicitor yet, no.

I suppose I felt that if I left all the horrible legal stuff, it wouldn't be real. And all the time we were in this limbo zone, it wasn't permanent.

I've kept up the pretence of my DH being a kind caring family man for so long that the realisation that this isn't true has been very very painful. I suppose I've buried my head in the sand.

I've been reading Lundy Bandcrofts book and today is the first time it has been really clear to me, so I just had to get it out so I'd said it, if that makes sense.

[Troglodad]

I'm so sorry to hear that all of this has happened to you. I hope things pick up for you in the future.

[msrisotto]

If you really want to divorce, go ahead and do it. I don't blame you for messaging him over facebook to avoid talking to him, he sounds like a twat.

[WilsonFrickett]

Sorry, I'm back. But yes, while I understand the need to keep away from him just now, messaging on fb has no legal standing. He could quite easily claim he hasn't seen the message, for example. So You do need to get a solicitor and start making things official too.

Good luck op.

[OwlCapone]

Why do you think he will take a FB message any more seriously than you leaving him?

The only way is to start divorce proceedings.

[rabbitlady]

honestly, you need a solicitor if you've been officially married. just to be sure you're really rid of him.

don't beat yourself up about the sex. people do that when a long-term relationship ends. i think i had sex with the ex occasionally for ... three years? it amused me that he was unfaithful to his girlfriend with me! also, there was no other sex going so...and it wasn't as if we hadn't done it before.

mine was a strangler, too. but most people would think he was a perfectly reasonable sort of chap.