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AIBU?

To expect a bit more???

59 replies

BannanaRamma · 27/02/2014 14:40

My DP has always had back problems. It seems to be getting worse as the years go on. And I know how much pain DP is in, the amount of medication DP is on is a lot too....
It's just I feel like I'm on my own some times. I cook, clean, look after children, shop, washing, entertain DP random family members who come knocking day after day.
I dont drive, my DP does. So I can't go out (live in small village, no buses) to go shopping etc. The children come home & know DP in bed so be quiet, friends ring & always ask where DP is and before I answer they do for me! Saying 'Oh in bed again?'
We miss family days out, doing anything as a family.
I understand the pain is bad, I do.
But at certain times DP will get up, help family members out, help friends out, go for long walks etc. Just seems to be when DP 'feels' like it. DP isn't depressed (we went doctors to make sure)
Yesterday DP got up at 9am and went out because I had an app and I needed lift. But went back to bed in afternoon and got up a few hours later, then went sleep at 10.30pm. It's not 14.40 and DP hasn't stirred at all.
I say to get up, to take meds & be as active as you can be. Regulate meds etc. But nothing. DP might get up in about hour, if not will stay asleep til children go bed. I feel like DP wasting life & some times think just loves sleep loads.
Like I said I know about the pain etc, it's just I know when DP wants to go, they can.

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Alibabaandthe40nappies · 27/02/2014 14:46

I thought medical advice these days was that bed rest didn't necessarily help back problems?

I think he does sound lazy.

But - FGS learn to drive so that you are properly independent of him.

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kotinka · 27/02/2014 14:48

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ViviPru · 27/02/2014 14:48

err... thanks Ali - that's pretty much exactly what I was going to say!

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BannanaRamma · 27/02/2014 15:01

I am doing my driving atm , financial problems stopped me for a few months.
Blood tests have been done already, nothing to report from them. Everything is fine. Just think am I being unreasonable? To expect DP to get up in the am...

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kotinka · 27/02/2014 15:04

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BannanaRamma · 27/02/2014 15:19

No DP doesn't work. I work my arse off to provide for everyone (i have a DD & DP has a DS from previous) pain meds are just whenever. I say to regulate them, DP says whenever. I know DP in a rut , I'm struggling to fix this situation. I ask for help all the time. Honestly DP has so much to do (painting needs to be finished for a start) but just don't bother. DP job was to put rubbish out. Second week not been done! Just little things now...

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CailinDana · 27/02/2014 15:20

Why are you entertaining his family members? Tell him he needs to be there if his family visit, otherwise you'll send them home.

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CailinDana · 27/02/2014 15:22

Also, why does he need to sleep so much? There is no way I'd be telling the children to be quiet in their own home to allow a manbaby to sleep!

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PooroldJumbo · 27/02/2014 15:30

Op yanbu to expect more. If your DP is virtually bedridden due to medical reasons he needs to address those reasons sharpish. If he needs more help to manage his back pain he should go out and get it. The only benefit of doubt I would give your dp is the possibility of him suffering depression, but if that is the case he needs to go out and get help.

On the surface it does seem that he is just supremely lazy and it could be that he will always find an excuse to do nothing.

I agree that you should get your driving licence and gain some independence from him in the short term. Could you start a savings account to give yourself a financial cushion should you reach the end of your tether?

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BannanaRamma · 27/02/2014 15:33

DP gran lives next door. She's that kind of woman who comes round whenever she pleases. Not the type of woman you can tell to go away. Believe me I've tried!! If I open the door she will just walk in, sit down & just stay there regardless if anyone talks to her of not.
There is no reason for the long sleeps. DP just got up now. So been asleep 17 hours and is now laying on sofa. Not talking.

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Jess03 · 27/02/2014 15:46

What does the dr say about dh's lifestyle and the reasons? I suppose I'm not clear if he's in so much pain that laying in bed is all that's tolerable? What's normal for someone with his condition? I'd take him to the dr and try and get a sense of what's normal for this condition. Ultimately though, if it's not working for you, you do have options.

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ENormaSnob · 27/02/2014 15:47

Sounds like a lazy cunt imo.

My stepdad has terrible back problems (inc surgery x3, morphine release tabs, oromorph for breakthrough pain and a mobility scooter)

He still gets up and goes to work.

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CailinDana · 27/02/2014 15:58

So next time his gran walks all over you in get him up and tell him to deal with her. You are letting people treat you like shit.

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rollonthesummer · 27/02/2014 15:59

Does he not have to go to work? Do you work?

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Littleen · 27/02/2014 16:06

I think this has got to be something other than back problems. Everyone I know with back problems including myself, would find it excrutiating to just lie down all the time. constant change of position is better. Perhaps its ME or just something else entirely? Also go see a chiropractor - some of them do amazing work (though some don't work at all)

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ShedWood · 27/02/2014 16:07

Are you sure you want to be with this guy?

He's not contributing to the housework, the childcare or the finances, he seems to be making you more unhappy than happy, have you considered dumping his lazy arse?

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squeakytoy · 27/02/2014 16:09

my husband has acute back pain and is in agony much of the time.. he still manages to get up and go to work each day, even though he is due to have a serious back op at some point soon..

your partner sounds like he is taking the piss..

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ConferencePear · 27/02/2014 16:18

If he really can't cope, should you be getting DLA ?

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ShedWood · 27/02/2014 16:23

Thing is whilst a bad back is hard, it doesn't mean you can't sit with your children and read them a book does it?

It doesn't mean you can't talk to them and watch over them whilst they're in the bath (assuming they're still young enough to need that).

It doesn't mean you can't he your kids with homework, do a bit of ironing (possibly whilst sitting down) and tidy up a bit.

It sounds like the bad back is an excuse to opt out of all bits of family life that he doesn't like, leaving it all on the OP's shoulders, which just isn't fair.

At the worst I'd want to see him suggest a list of things he is able to do and actively engage in those activities, surely he should want to spend more time with his kids and not see his wife run ragged?

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NatashaBee · 27/02/2014 16:24

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ChrisMooseAlbanians · 27/02/2014 16:27

Er... YANBU. My DP has horrendous back problems (although they have eased with cortisol injections, query this with your doctor!) and he got up and went to work every day. Laying in bed isn't any good for you... And to be honest, DP couldn't lay in bed for longer than about 4 hours because it was so uncomfortable. Whilst I appreciate that your DP probably has different problems, he is being an Arse.

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ChrisMooseAlbanians · 27/02/2014 16:27

And what Shedwood said!!!!

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WeAreEternal · 27/02/2014 16:31

As others have said he sounds like a lazy cocklodger.

I suffer from bad back pain after an accident last year, it so bad that I can't drive, but I still manage to get up at 5.30 every day take care of DS and work full time.

Rest does nothing for back pain/injuries.
Your 'D'P is using his back pain as an excuse to be a waste of oxygen.
Why are you with him?
You sound like you would be vastly better off without him.

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expatinscotland · 27/02/2014 16:37

Sounds like a lazy cocklodger.

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BannanaRamma · 27/02/2014 16:57

In reference to DP gran, I cannot explain what a bitch this woman can be. She makes my life hell to be honest but not a lot I , or even DP can do about it. We both feel the same about gran.
Doctors have said first of it was scoliosis. Then another said it wasn't. Got a referral to Pain Specialist in few weeks. The medication consists of liquid morphine, high doses of tramadol, paracetamol & ibuprofen 4 times a day. More if needed.
I work full time. I also volunteer to get myself more forward in life.
I agree that it doesn't take a lot to read/sit with the kids. It just feels like I'm in a rut too. That I'm putting up with it because I'm used to it (been together 4 years)
When DP wants to do something, we all do it. It is like pick & choose.
I've tried talking to DP about it all, but it ends up being me that don't do a lot ?! That DP does more than what I'm saying etc. I said I'll get friends over , who have seen exactly what DP is like. One of them knew DP before I did & said that in every relationship it's been the same. Yet DP refuses to acknowledge this.
Maybe getting depression tested for again might help. Because when DP does get up - it's fantastic. It's just everyday things are not so.

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