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Am I beling unreasonable?

(9 Posts)
Foreverboris Thu 27-Feb-14 12:09:08

My ex (mother of our 18mth son) is refusing to share in the responsibility of his travel to contact with me.

The facts are: -
�We lived in London
�January �13 she left and moved to SW England to live with her parents�After 6 months attempting to reconcile with her, I had no choice but to petition as it was clear she wanted no further part in a relationship and had committed to a life in SW England.
�Throughout separation I wasn�t working as I�d taken an extended leave from work to be able to spend time with her and our son; however, the moment she left I began to pay �1k per month in terms of maintenance despite her living rent free at her parents� house.
�I have tried to request that she, reasonably, shares the responsibility of travel for contact (every other weekend).
�She refuses; the distance is 130 miles and I drive for 10 hours every other weekend to collect my son for two nights in London and then return him.
�She has income equal to earning �41k per annum which is provides her with a disposable income which is greater than mine (once I have paid support etc).
�She has many friends remaining in London � I would have thought the option to see them would have been appealing � she only has no friends where she has moved to.
�She has said that she will drive (when convenient to her � so basically never) for 45p per mile which equates to �120 per return journey.
�I have offered to pay her the AA fuel price for the journey of �32; she refused.
�I increased this to �40 � she refused.
�I wrote requesting that I was being left little alternative and suggested that we go to mediation/arbitration � she refused unless I paid for both of our costs in it.
�I made a final offer of �50 per return journey and that she commits to sharing the travel equally with me; ie she either delivers him or collects him with me doing the opposite or we meet half way (I suggested somewhere 20 miles in her favour)
�She refused so I had no alternative but to issue a specific issue application; I know this will cost me money but, the way I look at it is this, it costs me approximately �300 per month in petrol to see my son which equates to �3600 per year; I don�t see that it is neither fair nor reasonable that someone can move so far away, taking a loving father�s son and then refuse to share in the driving of their son to contact with his father.

I would be interested to see what people�s thoughts are; the divorce is all done and all financial matters are settled; I pay full CSA monies, I pay spousal maintenance and I also contribute significantly in terms of clothing, footwear, food etc. As far as I am concerned the divorce is amicable and I try my very best to do what is in the uttermost best interests for our son.

MyNameIsKenAdams Thu 27-Feb-14 12:10:55

It is my understanding that the one who moves away should pay travel costs for contact.

Foreverboris Thu 27-Feb-14 12:35:51

Thank you for you post.

I was wondering where you had got your impression from?

Quoteunquote Thu 27-Feb-14 12:39:16

What ever happens, just keep being calm, reasonable and doing what is ever necessary to continue your relationship with your son.

Keep positive, keep nice, keep kind, if she pushes, don't push back, and don't push, keep making suggestions, eventually it will all win through, but every time a negative is added from which ever side ,that delay you all being on the same team again, which is team support our lovely son.

Time passes fast, children grow, it changes,

twenty plus years ago, I was in exactly the opposite position, DS's father moved to London, and it took a lot of work for us to get back to being all on the same team, we did get there.

Honestly, let any resentment go, it really will help, really focus on all the positives, the negatives will fade,

It will very apparent in your voice when you have, and that will in time evoke a very different response, you are both in a vicious circle.

I think you will end up having many a happy day surfing our lovely south west beaches, walking the coastal path, and moors, it a brilliant playground, you just have to get through the hard first years.

Anonymai Thu 27-Feb-14 12:41:30

Not always true ken. As long as the one who moved didn't do it to sabotage contact, it's a 50/50 split with maintenance reduced to take into account travel costs.

HighwayRat Thu 27-Feb-14 12:44:26

I moved away from my XP, he pays a minimal amount and actually went out of his way to cover up his overtime and extra income. Id say that if you wanted to see your son you should travel to see him. But my experience with moving nd travelling and money are tainted

plainjanine Thu 27-Feb-14 12:52:04

To reduce the mileage, could you stay in a B&B where he is? My partner and I used to do this when he visited his daughter [180 miles away]. I'm not saying to do it every time, but it might help.

Not a solution to the real problem, obviously. I think things being as they are, if you want to maintain contact, you may have to accept some injustice. Sorry.

prh47bridge Thu 27-Feb-14 13:17:11

The courts tend to take the view that whoever moved away should bear most of the costs of contact even if the move wasn't to sabotage contact. It isn't a universal rule but in this case I think the court would take the view that her stance in refusing to pay any share of the costs is unreasonable.

Irishmummy1981 Thu 27-Feb-14 13:21:35

Shes being a bi**h, get a court order that hopefully will state who should pay for those costs. Shes earning enough to do so. Get a solicitor involved and keep a record of any time she breaks the order. Being nice to her hasnt worked and why should you miss out on your child because of her selfishness.

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