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I need soMe one anyone to talk to

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Suicidal5833 Thu 27-Feb-14 01:17:47

I am extremely ill I'm hearing things including command pychosis seeing things and I've been told I'm very paranoid.

I won't take my kids to school and I won't sleep because I see a man on the street corner at all hours watching the house but whenever I go to fetch dh he is gone. I am scared he is a peado scouting out the house to take one my children.

I have tendencies of going catatonic in the past and doctor thinks this is what I am doing right now. As I don't do anything but play on my phone for some reason I am able to to this. I don't speak to the point even if someone is sat in the room they sometimes text me as they get a more in depth answer rather than usually a grunt.

I dream about suicide every night and it won't be long because the voices say I will sexually abuse the children if I stay. I don't care for my kids being unable to even care for myself. Dh had to physically bathe last night and has placed bottles of pop around the house as I'm dehydrated. The situation has been slowly degrading for weeks and now my husband works long hours and is trying to clean a house (when he has always been useless at it) cook dinner and take care of our three dc one of whom is severely disabled. My mother picks the kids up and takes care of them all day.

The problem I have a support from Mia because I have a disabled daughter and during one of her regular visits she saw how ill I was and the state on the house this has been going on months my house is a pig sty. And she has referred me to social services. What is there reaction to all the above likely to be my dc are getting to school since my mum took over their care btw. There is something else I'm giving up cannabis and I'm scared they will find out that I used to smoke it and will take the kids.

I don't know what to do and I feel very uneasy and paranoid about social services and sometimes when I get paranoia to bad I react badly. What is gonna happen am I gonna lose my dc?

sleepymother Thu 27-Feb-14 01:32:00

I'm not a very regular poster, but I didn't like to see this message get no answer. However, no one here - I'd suggest - can give you the help or support and advice you need, other than to hear your distress and acknowledge it, and tell you that there are people out there who can help. You need to see your doctor - you have explained that you're ill, so you know there is a problem, and that's got to be the first stage in addressing your situation. You care about your children, obviously, and the most important thing, for them, is that their mother gets well again. You really need to get some proper medical help and support.
As soon as the morning comes around get your DH and mother to help you start to address this.
In the meantime, try to stay calm, don't panic, and think positively about the good thoughts you have about moving forward.

Jolleigh Thu 27-Feb-14 01:44:26

OP I'm so sorry to hear you feel this way but I'm not sure you can get what you need here. My suggestion would be to get your husband to arrange a home visit from the doctor. Text your husband if that's how you feel comfortable asking.

I really hope you're able to find the help that you need soon. thanks

AShowerOfBastards Thu 27-Feb-14 01:48:53

I'm so sorry I can't offer any helpful advice but just wanted to acknowledge your post and your troubles, I hope you are able to get the additional help to get you through this. From the little I know it takes a lot, and a lot of time, for SS to remove children and as it sounds like they will see they are loved and cared for and that your DM is supporting you I'm sure you just need to focus on getting yourself back to health.

That probably all sounds garbled, what I mean is I'm thinking of you and wishing you the best.

Suicidal5833 Thu 27-Feb-14 01:52:23

Thanks everyone I'm just scared I'm gonna lose my dc I already miss them as dh works quite long hours it's always been me and them.

justmyview Thu 27-Feb-14 01:54:11

Sorry to hear you're in such a bad place. Don't be frightened of social work. Let them help you. Could the children stay with your Mum for a short while, to give you some breathing space to plan what to do next?

fairyfuckwings Thu 27-Feb-14 02:06:16

You need to get the community psychiatric team in. They really will help you. You honestly need to focus on getting yourself well. Are you scared to do so because of the children an social services? As you have a husband and you're feeling this way it may be better if he could be around more. Especially at this time?

Suicidal5833 Thu 27-Feb-14 02:07:39

Husband has used all his holidays up and we can't afford him to lose his job.

fairyfuckwings Thu 27-Feb-14 02:10:55

Are you sleeping ok? Sleep deprivation is the biggest contributor to poor mental health. I'm not a professional by the way and am speaking purely from my own experience plus what I've been told.

fairyfuckwings Thu 27-Feb-14 02:13:56

Are you under psychiatric care at the moment? Or us this just what your gp has said?

Suicidal5833 Thu 27-Feb-14 02:20:51

I'm under pychiatric care and no I don't sleep.

fairyfuckwings Thu 27-Feb-14 02:28:35

I was just answering out of concern for your mental wellbeing. I don't know about social services and hopefully someone who does will contribute. I would have thought though that as you've got your mother and husband involved with the daily care with your children then their needs are being met? Do you think maybe the social workers comments were meant as genuine help?

fairyfuckwings Thu 27-Feb-14 02:30:57

You need to sort the sleep situation out. Does your psychiatrist know this? Is there a reason you've not been prescribed sleeping tablets?

Suicidal5833 Thu 27-Feb-14 04:27:54

I take 4 clonazepam as a alternative to a sleeping tablet as t get anxious at bedtime and these calm anxiety too I did just manage to get two hours of sleep. And sometime I have a nap during the day but it's hard to sleep.

Why is sleep most important?

Suicidal5833 Thu 27-Feb-14 04:33:30

Also people say the dc are well cared for between dh and dm but won't they have a problem that when they are at home with dh they are in a messy house.

lougle Thu 27-Feb-14 07:13:05

I don't think you are as poorly as you could be, because you have very good insight into your difficulties, so that is something you can hang on to. You know that you have become isolated. You know that you are having paranoia (rather than truly believing that your thoughts are real), although it must be deeply distressing to you each and every time you experience it. You recognise and care that your children are living in less than ideal circumstances, so you're not at a stage where you are only thinking of yourself, even if you feel powerless to make any changes at the moment.

Sleeping is so important because that is the time when we process day to day experiences and make sense of them. I was in tears yesterday, panicking about dying and leaving my DH to raise the children. I don't have MH issues. I'm not ill in any way.I have no reason to suspect I may die. I'd just read something about the subject, had had far too many late nights and disturbed sleeps.

Social Services are going to want to see that the house is safe, which means not so filthy that the children will get ill, not filled with dangerous hazards, enough food in the house to feed them, somewhere to sleep with sheet/covers, clothes to wear. They are not going to judge untidiness or a but of dust and grime.

You need to get help for you. These voices commanding you don't own you - how dare they tell you what to do. You are your own person and you want to be well do that you can care for your children. Hang on to that.

sewingandcakes Thu 27-Feb-14 07:22:35

I hope you can get the help you need from your GP/community mental health team. You sound like you have a supportive family around you and this is good. I think social services will try to help you; an messy house is quite normal, and they will see that you have a support network around you.

I don't think many on here are qualified to give you the help you need, other than support and encouragement; I really think you need to speak to professionals about your situation and maybe review medication/talking therapies. Have you very recently stopped cannabis? This could perhaps be causing a change in how you feel, and depending on how long/what type you used.

Please keep talking on here if it helps. thanks

Suicidal5833 Thu 27-Feb-14 08:11:31

Thank you lougle yes ATM I am able to discern sometimes what is pychosis. Although I am being commanded to do things sometimes I can resist the other day I was told to cut all my hair off and although I began making preparations to do this in the end I said no. My sleep is terrible mostly cus I'm scared that bloody man will take my dc while we are all sleeping and I'll wake up to find them gone. I used to be on olanzapine and I was stable on that and I slept lovely but they had to stop it as I gained three stone.

Sewing and cakes thank you yes I have spoken to my pychiatrist think it was last week he has increased my meds he said while I am on a waiting list for mindfulness that is useless ATM because it's about teaching your thoughts to stay in the now and right now being in a bad place we don't want my thoughts staying in the now. This episode started after the birth of dc3 who is now 2/12I struggled through a few months un unmedicated as I didn't want anti psychs passing through breast milk for as long as possible. When I went on the olanzapine eventually and became stable my cpn discharged me as she felt I was doing so well. Unfortunetely just after I switched anti pych and have been getting worse since. However my pychiatrist is not listening to me ( I did have another who I much preferred) and keeps telling me there is nothing wrong with aripiprazole he even got it wrong and said I'd tried olanzapine and serquel (which I have never touched) while under previous pychiatrist and was not happy with them so must just learn to accept taking anti psychs. I just feel the aripiprazole is not working for me. However he is also considering therapy for a traumatic childhood as he says he thinks my pychosis my be about less distressing content if I resolve my issues surrounding abuse and that this in turn will help me.

Re the weed the form I take is skunk and my preferred dealer that I use stocks strong stuff. I started smoking during this episode not sure when but after I finished bf at 1yr. The reason I stupidly started is I've been having episodes like this since I was 13 and when I was 15 I smoked weed and it sent me into a extreme pychotic state but in the morning I woke up feeling better. That may have been coincidence I don't know but I always associated it as such and started smoking in a attempt to re enact the above and get better.

I recently decided that it's making my pychosis worse and it was making me less functional so decided to stop as it was not doing what I wanted but it took me a while to see that. I was smoking 4 g a week I have up I think it was two weeks ago may have been three in that time I have slipped once and had a joint after finding a bag that dh threw at me in temper and got lost. I kept the bag in case I got desperate but today I'm gonna get rid of it.

Dawndonnaagain Thu 27-Feb-14 08:32:52

You sound absolutely exhausted. You poor thing. You won't lose the children, even if the house is a bit messy, they will understand that you are ill and hopefully put some additional means of help in. As for the skunk, you seriously need to stop it. It's purely coincidence that you felt better when you were younger, skunk increases the chances of psychosis.
Oh, and smoking a quarter a week, it will increase things, but it's not that bad. Good on you for getting rid of it and well done for posting here. I do hope you feel better soon.

sewingandcakes Thu 27-Feb-14 12:28:00

You've certainly been through a lot haven't you? I think addressing issues from your past would help you for the future; are they referring you for therapy relating to that? I only have limited experience of mental health services (antidepressants and CBT), so I don't know exactly what to suggest, but if you don't feel great about your psychiatrist, could you ask to see another one perhaps?

Skunk is very powerful, it used to make me very paranoid at times, and I don't know whether/how it interacts with medication. I think stopping is definitely a good idea; if you're unable to stop though, could you switch to a weaker type?

Suicidal5833 Thu 27-Feb-14 12:58:46

Thanks both I don't wanna switch to a weaker one I have to give up when I take it it's like I've been taking hallucinogens sometimes and it's not fair on the kids plus if I were to switch to a weaker form I'd just smoke more to make up for it.

They are considering referring me for trauma based therapy.

Nomama Thu 27-Feb-14 13:05:25

If it's skunk you are smoking then you are quite literally asking to be psychotic, to hallucinate etc. You KNOW that.

Please stop, get help specifically for that. You seem to be fairly switched on in your other posts so I know you could... you just need to stop thinking about it, justifying it and start to get rid of it.

Good luck.

Suicidal5833 Thu 27-Feb-14 13:19:18

Nomana I know all that I know it is making me iller and that in actual fact my husband found out that some of the contraindications with my meds is possible liver failure. I know it's no good it was a bad choice one I made when I had given up hope. I also know I have to start fighting to get better but it's so hard I have had pychosis since I was 13 much milder back then it seems to get worse the older I get and I just gave up. But I have every intention of fighting with everything I have to get back on track and well again. I have every intention of giving up I am giving up apart from that slip up I have been clean for two weeks. I feel a bit silly going to any na meetings or support groups for narcotics as it's such a soft drug compared to others and I know there are people addicted to far worse.

Suicidal5833 Thu 27-Feb-14 13:22:30

Plus I am the child of a drug addict who was addicted to hard drugs I don't want my dc growing up with a drug addict for a mum I'm not gonna try and give I'm going to regardless as to how hard it is.

sewingandcakes Thu 27-Feb-14 16:21:54

Sorry if suggesting a weaker form was the wrong thing for you; have you thrown it all out yet?

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