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To be upset re having to tell MIL I'm pregnant before we tell my parents?

(323 Posts)
Orlea Wed 26-Feb-14 11:29:56

I'm about 8/9 weeks along, haven't had first midwife appt yet (tomorrow), let alone first scan (two weeks away). I've posted before about DH wanting to tell his mum I'm pregnant almost as soon as we found out and me not wanting to tell anyone at all, including my parents, til I was a good bit further along. We wanted to tell both sets of parents face to face rather than phone, and are going to tell them to keep it quiet until after the first scan.

I would rather have kept it quiet all round til the scan, i.e. another two weeks, but as my parents live a long way off and we're only going to see them this weekend and won't see them for another month or two after that, we're telling them then, i.e. Friday night. We agreed that we'd tell MIL at 'about' the same time, and more specifically agreed, without me twisting DH's arm or anything, that we'd tell my parents first for various reasons (not least because I'm the one who's all overly emotional and hormonal and needy pregnant, not him, and I want to tell my parents first as they are more important to me than MIL, who is lovely, but we aren't close). If it were at all possible to tell them at exactly the same time, we would have, but it's logistically impossible.

So I am upset as DH has just arranged (as in, in the last half hour) for MIL to visit tomorrow night, which means she will be told before we see my parents (DH's words: Mum's coming to stay tomorrow night so we can tell her then). This is #1, I'm nervous, scared, worried etc, and feel like DH has deliberately arranged MIL to visit before we see my parents, just to get in there first...

I'm struggling to articulate how I feel more clearly than just 'upset' - slightly cheated, slightly side-lined (both myself and for my parents), jealous as MIL always gets preferential treatment (not her fault for the most part), like DH is stealing the thunder of telling my parents by getting in first with MIL... It does feel like DH is trying to 'win' by getting in first. I know I'm probably overreacting but it is important to me and I am quite upset. AIBU or just hormonal and therefore U (and if so will it stop? Please?!)? Honestly, if I could stop feeling like this about something that probably isn't a huge deal and get over myself, I would, but I'm struggling! I've been quite up and down this week anyway but feeling really upset at this right now, and probably blowing it out of all proportion, but... Should perhaps point out that as MIL lives a lot nearer and is a lot younger, she will be much more involved and sees us a lot more often anyway, so if there was a time to put my parents first, this could have been it.

So AIBU to be upset about having to tell MIL first, and/or pissed off and upset that DH has engineered things to happen this way? And if IABU, please tell me how I can stop feeling like this!

AMumInScotland Wed 26-Feb-14 11:49:53

I think you are actually upset because you feel this has become something where your husband has to 'win' even though you have strong feelings about it.

So, he seemed to listen, seemed to agree with you, and is now steam-rollering you into doing what suits him over your wishes.

Is this something you often feel in your relationship? If so, I think you need to challenge him on it, and stand up for your right to an equal say in this relationship - it will be difficult when the baby arrives, so better to start now.

OTOH, If you don't normally have these worries, then maybe it's just the hormones making you feel more sensitive than usual, in which case just give your parents a phone and don't worry about it.

Orlea Wed 26-Feb-14 11:51:27

Thanks for the quick replies!

I just really wanted it to be face to face (for both sides) for the personal/surprise elements, not just for us but for our parents... feel the phone is a bit impersonal for such a big thing, and also that if I do call my mum, I'm being petty and going behind DH's back.

DH is not controlling, just highly competitive, if that makes a difference hmm

He also doesn't get the 'it's my body' thing so on top of the hormones, I'm feeling more like an incubator rather than an expectant mother sad which is probably at least partly because I feel like I have no control over how I feel physically or mentally, and that the one thing I should have some control over (telling people) is being taken away from me because I'm an emotional mess

Shakirasma Wed 26-Feb-14 11:52:09

Bless you OP, YABabitU.

I've got 3 children, I hosnestly cannot remember who we told first, or how far gone I was or anything!

This is such a little thing in the scheme of things, really not worth you and your DH getting stroppy over.

Quoteunquote Wed 26-Feb-14 11:52:16

Phone your parents now and tell them.

or get on a train and go tell them, he can follow on up after he has explained to his mum, why you had to leave early.

this is where you make your stand not to be a push over.

BumpNGrind Wed 26-Feb-14 11:53:43

I'm 8 weeks along with our first dc and this honestly hasn't been an issue and I do think you may be overthinking it. We've already told my DM and PIL, they are all sworn to secrecy but it didn't really matter to us what order. They have all been really excited and my DM and DMIL have already rung each other to talk about it.

As long as everyone is happy about the baby, who cares what order they know in.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Wed 26-Feb-14 11:55:01

I really really don't get the angst about telling people. Just ring them!

YABU and precious.

HadABadDay2014 Wed 26-Feb-14 11:58:11

I told DH I was pregnant over the phone both times. I didn't want to see his reaction.

Will your mum be pleased to be told she is going to be a grandmother.

gnushoes Wed 26-Feb-14 12:01:18

Um... would it help to say that I have no recollection whatsoever of which set of parents we told first, or how, over three kids? It really doesn't matter.

Alisvolatpropiis Wed 26-Feb-14 12:01:55


DailyBread Wed 26-Feb-14 12:02:51

Is it really so hard to say to your DH: "Please don't tell your mum about the baby. I don't want people to know yet."

You are married to this man. If he won't respect your wishes on this, he's an arsehole. And if he's an sneaky as you believe him to be, why on earth are you having babies with him?

Just put your foot down.

youmakemydreams Wed 26-Feb-14 12:02:56

Sorry yabu. In the grand scheme of things this is a total non issue. I know you are the pregnant one but it is still your dh's baby too. He is just as excited as you are and desperate to tell his mum. I was ever close to my mil but I was very aware she was ex's mum and thus no less important than my mum. At the end of the the day my dc are 50% of each of us. I knew she was as excited as my own mum.
Tbh it really is a pointless thing to get worked up about there was always going to be one set of parents that knew first. There are many things to do with pregnancy and birth I would stand beside you and yell along with you that it's your body. Etc. But the baby itself is half of each of you and impending parent hood is just as exciting for each of you.

DaffodilShoots Wed 26-Feb-14 12:02:58

A small thing yes but the husband shouldn't be competitive over it.

elvislives2012 Wed 26-Feb-14 12:03:04

I remember this anxiety!! Ring them if u feel better but in all honesty, in a couple of years time, u won't remember this and no one will say "you told so and so first"

CSIJanner Wed 26-Feb-14 12:03:43

Skype your mum

MrsBennetsEldest Wed 26-Feb-14 12:03:54

Oh for gods sake. He can tell who ever he bloody likes , it's his baby too. Stop being such a princess.

Ragwort Wed 26-Feb-14 12:03:54

I much preferred telling people over the phone, you don't have to see their reaction, which quite honestly might not be what you hope for.

Personally I can't bear this great big build up to telling people you are having a baby (remember the thread about the 'big' annoucement that was going to be made on Christmas day, did we ever hear how that went?).

runningonwillpower Wed 26-Feb-14 12:04:13

I can't even remember how and when we told each set of parents. (It was a while back.)

I just know that both sets of parents were delighted. And both sets of parents were loving and supportive in their own ways.

Announcing your pregnancy is a big deal - I do remember that. But it's a tiny first step on a very particular journey that involves many ups and downs.

Both sets of parents will have a special role in your child's life. But nothing near as important as his/her parents.

For me, the jarring note here is how you feel about your husband's actions. Of course he's excited. Of course he wants to tell his mother. Why do you describe this as 'winning'?

Are there underlying issues?

pictish Wed 26-Feb-14 12:06:04

I think yab quite u.

dreamingbohemian Wed 26-Feb-14 12:06:23

Oh bless you. Yes I remember that incubator feeling. I think you'll feel a lot better soon though.

I think you are probably overthinking this but at the same time your DH should not be 'highly competitive' about anything to do with your pregnancy. You can maybe calm down about this particular issue but do have a conversation about how things are going to be going forward -- for example, if you don't want visitors right after the birth, that needs to be respected.

DailyBread Wed 26-Feb-14 12:07:32

Btw, I absolutely agree it is YOUR decision to tell people in the order you choose. Not his. Of course it matters - YANBU. Posters on here have forgotten what it's like to be in the early states of pregnancy. At this point, it is your body, your baby, your rules I'm afraid.

Christ, I'm getting angry on your behalf.

liquidstate Wed 26-Feb-14 12:09:32

I had this dilemma but eventually it was all decided when I projectile vomited in front of the MIL at 8 weeks blush. I called my parents straight away and swore the 3 of them to secrecy until we announced it to the wider family.

It wasn't the way I wanted but these things can't be helped. I see it as important to include my parents as much as possible since we live 120 mins from the PILs and see them often and 4 hours drive to my parents.

I made sure we arranged to visit my parents straight after the 20 week scan so they were the first to see than scan pic and hear the details. I have to have another scan at 35 weeks so my mum is coming to that and then we are lunching with the MIL.

If it helps I felt like an incubator about the 8-9 week period as well.

Orlea Wed 26-Feb-14 12:09:43

Ok, maybe IABU (but thank you to those who think I'm not), so how do I stop feeling like this? Serious question. How can I get my head back to reality? Deep breaths isn't working.

Objectively it is a little thing and I accept I'm overthinking/reacting, but there have been lots of bigger things where MIL has been prioritised over my parents (Christmas, holidays etc) and now in this, which is important to me (big deal in RL or not), DH is prioritising her yet again, and I just felt that this was one thing where my parents could be put first for once... I also feel guilty that my poor DM is being left out in general due to distance sad which is exacerbated as she sometimes says she feels sad or jealous e.g. when I tell her we're off to see MIL again and haven't seen them for a few months...

The obvious answer as PPs have suggested is to not let either of them know who was told first (as phoning DM behind DH's back is really not my preferred POA) so I just need to snap myself out of it - any ideas for how I can do that? Preferably before tonight so DH doesn't see I'm upset (unreasonably so)?

olgaga Wed 26-Feb-14 12:10:03

If you had an agreement between you about how you would share the news and he has broken it then I hope this is a one-off.

I would simply phone your mum & dad now and tell them, it'll be lovely when you do see them and you won't feel at all cheated.

Is he usually this manipulative? Does he usually invite people for overnight stays without discussing it with you first? I wouldn't be happy with that.

Does he DH turns every issue into a competition that he has to "win"?

Electryone Wed 26-Feb-14 12:10:12

I don't think your DH sounds controlling, just excited. Honestly it doesn't matter who finds out first, you say you want your Mum to know first because your closer to het than MIL, that's only natural to feel closer but just a gentle reminder that MIL is your DHs Mum, he may well feel the same.

PixelAteMyFace Wed 26-Feb-14 12:11:14

Yes, YABU - I just don't understand what's the big deal in who gets to know first.

Your announcement will be a lovely surprise whether your parents are told first or not , it's not going to make any difference to how pleased they will be, surely?

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