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To be upset re having to tell MIL I'm pregnant before we tell my parents?

(323 Posts)
Orlea Wed 26-Feb-14 11:29:56

I'm about 8/9 weeks along, haven't had first midwife appt yet (tomorrow), let alone first scan (two weeks away). I've posted before about DH wanting to tell his mum I'm pregnant almost as soon as we found out and me not wanting to tell anyone at all, including my parents, til I was a good bit further along. We wanted to tell both sets of parents face to face rather than phone, and are going to tell them to keep it quiet until after the first scan.

I would rather have kept it quiet all round til the scan, i.e. another two weeks, but as my parents live a long way off and we're only going to see them this weekend and won't see them for another month or two after that, we're telling them then, i.e. Friday night. We agreed that we'd tell MIL at 'about' the same time, and more specifically agreed, without me twisting DH's arm or anything, that we'd tell my parents first for various reasons (not least because I'm the one who's all overly emotional and hormonal and needy pregnant, not him, and I want to tell my parents first as they are more important to me than MIL, who is lovely, but we aren't close). If it were at all possible to tell them at exactly the same time, we would have, but it's logistically impossible.

So I am upset as DH has just arranged (as in, in the last half hour) for MIL to visit tomorrow night, which means she will be told before we see my parents (DH's words: Mum's coming to stay tomorrow night so we can tell her then). This is #1, I'm nervous, scared, worried etc, and feel like DH has deliberately arranged MIL to visit before we see my parents, just to get in there first...

I'm struggling to articulate how I feel more clearly than just 'upset' - slightly cheated, slightly side-lined (both myself and for my parents), jealous as MIL always gets preferential treatment (not her fault for the most part), like DH is stealing the thunder of telling my parents by getting in first with MIL... It does feel like DH is trying to 'win' by getting in first. I know I'm probably overreacting but it is important to me and I am quite upset. AIBU or just hormonal and therefore U (and if so will it stop? Please?!)? Honestly, if I could stop feeling like this about something that probably isn't a huge deal and get over myself, I would, but I'm struggling! I've been quite up and down this week anyway but feeling really upset at this right now, and probably blowing it out of all proportion, but... Should perhaps point out that as MIL lives a lot nearer and is a lot younger, she will be much more involved and sees us a lot more often anyway, so if there was a time to put my parents first, this could have been it.

So AIBU to be upset about having to tell MIL first, and/or pissed off and upset that DH has engineered things to happen this way? And if IABU, please tell me how I can stop feeling like this!

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM Wed 26-Feb-14 21:47:53

No its not the ultimate MIL bashing thread, quite a long way off.

because one day someone might be spiting you for something you weren't aware was a problem
As far as I can tell its the DH who is being petty and spiteful, and renegade on their arrangement.

It may seem like a small deal to some, but from what op has said about the total prioritisation of his family over hears, now in the past and proably in the future....its one small thing to give them a little favour for a change.

WOOWOO ops parents live a plane ride away, his don;t, her parents are a decade older, they see his parents all the time. Even if her parents travelled to the birth, his parents will utlimalty always have more to do with this child.

Op it sounds like you are being bullied, I wouldn't put up with it.

You have been pushed on issues in the past, this is your pregnancy, you stand firm.

bodybooboo Wed 26-Feb-14 21:49:24

I have 2 boys and 2 girls and honestly I round be so haoiy for the couple that it wouldn't occur to me who had been told and when.

don't agree that it's the done thing to wait for a scan or a magic date! I told everyone and anyone as soon as I knew all 4 times. it has no bearing in the outcome of the pregnancy if you tell or not.

but obviously that's personal choice and should be respected.

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM Wed 26-Feb-14 21:53:20

it has no bearing in the outcome of the pregnancy if you tell or not.

What a strange thing to say, no it has no bearing on outcome but if you loose the baby which plenty of women do in the early days, you then have a cascade of people always asking you how your pregnancy is doing...which is not really what lots of women want...

thegreylady Wed 26-Feb-14 21:55:40

Phone your mum with your dh standing beside you. Of course you want to share with your own mum first . I have a dd and a ds. Dd told me straight after her dh and then they told his mum. Ddil told her mum and sister first then phoned me. That is just the way that feels right to me. I would have been mildly miffed but not devastated if dd had told her dmil first.

WooWooOwl Wed 26-Feb-14 21:57:11



This is a man wanting to share the happy news with his own Mother that his first child is soon to be born, not someone who is stealing OPs lunch money. Or even someone who is abusing her in any way.

I honestly wonder if people are reading the same post as me.

They both agreed they would wait to tell. They both agreed they would tell at about the same time.

Now OP has decided she wants to tell her parents sooner than planned, which is fair enough, so her DH has decided he wants to tell his parents sooner than planned as well.

It's a non issue, except that the OP has decided she gets to be a drama queen about his mother knowing a day before her mother for no real reason except that she's pregnant and thinks that gives her the right to dictate how her husband behaves with his own family.

It's ridiculous.

Mintyy Wed 26-Feb-14 22:01:39

Of course the vast majority of members on Mumsnet and on this thread have been pregnant - what a clunky comment!

Yes, there might be some who have never been pregnant (hell, there are quite a few from that alien male species), and there are sadly many women who have been pregnant but are not currently a parent) but I would bet my life savings on the fact that most Mumsnetters have been pregnant at some stage in their lives, with the majority also being parents.

Shoopshoop2 Wed 26-Feb-14 22:08:01

DH should know that you don't tell anyone until you're 12 weeks pregnant.

OneStepForwardTwoBack Wed 26-Feb-14 22:55:37

Bloody hell, I hope I never get my knickers in a twist about who was told first. Tbh if I was the op I would go along with what he wants, but I would probably have a sneaky convo with my mum and tell to keep quiet that she knows. I think most girls probably do that (and I don't even get on with my mum that great). I have boys and I think it would be naieve to think that a girl wouldn't tell her mum first, even if they pretended otherwise to me. I really need to check out getting a life before that time comes!!

WidowWadman Wed 26-Feb-14 23:03:58

"What a strange thing to say, no it has no bearing on outcome but if you loose the baby which plenty of women do in the early days, you then have a cascade of people always asking you how your pregnancy is doing...which is not really what lots of women want..."

You'd have a point if he put an advert in the local newspaper or put it on facebook. As it is, he told his own mother. Who he'd probably want to talk to for support anyway, if his wife was to miscarry. I can't even remember who we told first with either of our children, or how far along it was.

Sillybones Wed 26-Feb-14 23:07:40

DH should know that you don't tell anyone until you're 12 weeks pregnant.

Really? That's the law?

It is, as someone else said, completely up to the individual but it is just as personal to tell before the magic 12-week-scan (which isn't magic at all as plenty of us will have had miscarriages after that) as it is after.

It may very well be that some women don't want to tell before in case they mc and have a cascade of people always asking you how your pregnancy is doing...which is not really what lots of women want... but, equally, some women would rather have people knowing early on in case things go wrong and they need help/support/childcare or a million other things.

TamerB Wed 26-Feb-14 23:11:54

Fast forward 20 years and tell your child that you fell out about who told whose parents first and they will look at you as if you are completely barmy! It really doesn't matter!

Caitlin17 Wed 26-Feb-14 23:14:58

I'm firmly in the not telling anyone until the first scan camp. The thought of being "comforted" by his mother if she'd heard I'd miscarried is laughable.

shewhowines Wed 26-Feb-14 23:20:05

I told all and sundry as soon as I knew. I would have needed support if anything bad had happened, anyway.

It's like 1001 many differences of opinion in a relationship. A strong relationship overcomes these by communicating. Neither of you are right or wrong. Talk to each other.

800threadcount Wed 26-Feb-14 23:36:45

I wouldn't have wanted to tell my mum over the 'phone. I don't it matters all that much if his mum knows first, but I'd not have missed sharing that bit of news with my parents in person. That's what mattered to me anyway.

McWeedie Wed 26-Feb-14 23:37:11

Sorry haven't read the entire thread but wanted to add that DD and DS are only 18 months and even after such a short amount of time I couldn't say who knew first, when your little one is here you will be so fecking tired that you will barely remember anything that happened in the past 9 months!

2rebecca Thu 27-Feb-14 00:05:27

I just phoned my parents both times as they live several hours away. It never occurred to me not to phone them as it's the main way I communicate with them.
Can't remember now how we arranged the timing re both sets of parents, with the second one we waited until the 12 week scan before telling anyone as there had been a couple of early miscarriages in the family and I didn't want the added hassle if I did miscarry of having to tell everyone as I'm quite a private person. With the first one we phoned them at 7 or 8 weeks and my mum said "Ooh I'm surprised you're telling us this early" they did of course congratulate us but the first pregnancy seemed to last much longer with telling people early.

TamerB Thu 27-Feb-14 06:58:07

If you don't want to phone them, and prefer to do it in person, then you can't get all precious about who you tell first and plan it like a military operation- you just tell whoever you see first.
It is supposed to be a joyous occasion as a couple, not spoilt with trivialities like 'his mother can't know before my mother' - if it is that bad now goodness knows what it will be like at the birth and later in!
I have no recollection of when we told people or when- all I can be sure about was that beyond telling our children first we never gave it a thought.

I have been surprised by other threads asking how you 'announce' it, I have never replied, thinking, 'surely you just tell people when you are ready'- this thread just makes a mountain out of a molehill.

OwlCapone Thu 27-Feb-14 07:11:43

I'd like to hear the DHs version of this story.

TamerB Thu 27-Feb-14 07:21:04

I expect he is used to it- you don't suddenly adopted such attitudes.

Morgause Thu 27-Feb-14 07:49:59

Poor MiL to be unknowingly the cause of all this pointless stress.

happyscouse Thu 27-Feb-14 08:01:52

Phone them Op then you will have"won" and then you can quickly move on to your next battle...may I suggest "who sees the scan picture first".I suspect you will be keeping mumsnet in business over the next few years! Oh and for the removal of doubt for the poster upthread I have been pregnant twice.

JodieGarberJacob Thu 27-Feb-14 08:17:25

And then who gets told first when the baby's born. And then who gets to see the baby first, first cuddles etc. Oooh I'm stressed myself just imagining those first few days.

TamerB Thu 27-Feb-14 08:26:08

I don't know why people cause all this stress! I can foresee 'policing' of visitors and 'my mummy must see the baby before your mummy'. Mother and MIL would probably be horrified to have all the unnecessary fuss.

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