To think my ex may have over-reacted here

[KellyElly]

DD is 4.5 and is in a girly stage and is getting a sense of what clothes she likes and doesn't - colours especially. Her dad doesn't buy much for her, apart from trainers, and when he does seems to buy her a mini-me version of what he would wear.

So, he has bought her a pair of trainers that are green and blue and not what she would like to wear at all and when he asked her if she liked them, she said no they look like the trainers boys wear at school. This results in a massive rant from him about how she's a rude, ungrateful little girl and that she's four and will wear what she's told and is lucky she even has shoes to wear etc. All done in a shouty manner that ends up with her sitting in tears, looking upset and embarrassed.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think a four year old should be dictating their wardrobe at every turn, but I do think that it's ok to not like something and that this was a massive overreaction. He seems to do this a lot about many different things, as if at four, her opinion isn't valid or that because of her age she has no right to one. I'm concerned that if this carries on over the years it will start to affect her self esteem.

Her dad has very narcissistic traits and I don't know if I'm projecting because of my experience of him belittling me and shouting down anything I said that made him feel attached (irrationally so) or where my opinion differed to his. I'm worried that these kind of scenarios are the start of him being unable to see her as an individual and just seeing her as an extension of himself as he did with me. Or maybe I'm just over-thinking and DD was being a bit ungrateful?

[SooticaTheWitchesCat]

Well he asked if she liked them and she told the truth, I know my girls wouldn't like trainers that looked like boys ones either.

She is only 4, he shouldn't have shouted at her.

[Sleepyhead33]

Ask him if he would be grateful to wear pink sparkly trainers.

[ReadyToPopAndFresh]

Ask a 4 year old their opinion...

what was he expecting?

[Eatriskier]

my dd is 3 and has definite likes and dislikes. I have bigger battles to have with her than to put her into shoes she doesn't like! he is definitely being unreasonable. in fact I'm pretty sure my 17mo also knows his own !Mind quite clearly on some things too.

[KellyElly]

Ask him if he would be grateful to wear pink sparkly trainers. That made me laugh. I will do that lol.

[Quoteunquote]

He is not a fast learner, is he?

Berating people because they don't share the same view as him, has hardly worked so far.

Return the trainers, or buy her ones that she feels comfortable in, and don't bother asking him in the future, unless he has a sudden personality change and starts to listen,

Just inform him when you buy things and ask if he is going to make a contribution.

[Rauma]

He's an arse.

My daughter is 3, she likes to pick her clothes and dress herself, I try to buy gender neutral stuff but being a dad I'm sometimes tempted to buy her girly stuff - fortunately she likes them all.

[KellyElly]

Just inform him when you buy things and ask if he is going to make a contribution. Have tried that before and get a no. He's an arse like that. Never buys her stuff she needs, just what he wants to buy her!

[TheScience]

You ask a 4 year old their opinion and you're going to get the truth rather than polite gratitude.

Yes, children should be taught to appear grateful for gifts, even if they don't like them, but that's still a bit beyond most 4.5 year olds and shoes your dad has bought you and asked if you like is not the same as being polite about granny's ugly Christmas jumper!

[olgaga]

I'd tell your DD she did well to tell the truth.

Put them on ebay and put the money towards a pair she wants!

[KellyElly]

olgaga I did tell her that and gave her a big hug before I went to work. As I was leaving I heard him saying they will talk about her behaviour later on. I felt really sorry for her

[plainjanine]

He asked her opinion and then gave her grief for giving it? All that will do is teach her to say whatever she thinks he wants to hear. Does he want her to grow up with the feeling her opinion is worthless? Maybe that's how he likes people: compliant.

How is he when you give an honest opinion?

[KellyElly]

How is he when you give an honest opinion? Well when I said to him on the phone that I thought he over reacted this morning and upset DD he told me to shut up and keep my fucking ideas on how he should parent our child to myself. That's pretty much what he's like when I give an honest opinion!

[Bogeyface]

Time to find different child care I think.

I would not be leaving my child alone with someone who treated her like that. If he wants unsupervised time with her then he can start to behave like a father and not a bully.

[Shutupanddrive]

He sounds like a knob tbh

[plainjanine]

Yep, what Bogeyface said. He's sounds like an opinionated, douchebag bully.

[littledrummergirl]

For fathers day have her give him a pair of high heeled pink sparkly sandals.
You can then repeat his vocabulary at him when he objects.

[dreamingbohemian]

He sounds like an awful bully. Your poor daughter. When you see her I think you should explain to her again that she didn't do anything wrong.

How much time does she have to spend with him? Because tbh if he's like that I would try to keep it to an absolute minimum, he will destroy her self-esteem and she will have a very warped view of what to expect from men.

[KellyElly]

He sounds like an awful bully. Your poor daughter. When you see her I think you should explain to her again that she didn't do anything wrong. I did when I got home that evening. I explained that it's always ok to tell the truth and that it's ok to like what you like and dislike what you don't like and to be able to say so.

He had taken her out and bought her some bits she did want and she was wearing the trainers!Whether this was done for my benefit to make a show to me that he is a good dad or because he felt genuine remorse I don't know - I suspect the former tbh as he tried to call and talk to me about it later and ended up getting angry with me because I wouldn't agree that I had been wrong to challenge him about what he just considers being strict with DD.

How much time does she have to spend with him? He has her for a few hours two days a week to pick her up and drop her at nursery and look after her for a few hours before I come back from work. A total of around eight/ten hours per week - no overnight or weekends. In September he won't even be doing this as I will be getting after school care and using a breakfast club, so it will probably just be a few hours at the weekend.

[olgaga]

He sounds really awful. I'd be as worried about how he treats you as how he treats her - don't think she won't notice.

[onemorerose]

YANBU, so sorry that he had dd in tears.
Just curious as to why he has no overnights at this age?

[FudgefaceMcZ]

Good god, sounds exactly like my ex (though he's not gone to the trouble to actually buy shoes, just 'lose' the clarks 'girl' school style ones dd2 loved but he disapproved of). I don't know what to suggest, I'm still trying to think of a way to deal with mine that doesn't involve me spending most of my life in complete miserable stress.

[KellyElly]

Because he doesn't want to one. Leaves the lions share of the parenting to me. Won't even look after her if I want a night out or weekend away.

[brighteyedbusytailed]

Why does he even have access then?

I would read him the riot act and explain to her how wrong his behaviour was,

[KellyElly]

brighteye I can't stop him having access. He's on her birth certificate and has parental responsibility so could and would take me to court if I stopped him seeing her.