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to try and sort this mess out with PILs.

(27 Posts)
MommyBird Wed 26-Feb-14 10:17:53

Ive posted a fair few times about my MIL and her behaviour.
She is textbook toxic.

She is selfish, lazy, she lies and uses guilt trips alot. not painting a very nice picture am i?

We haven't seen her for 6 months. Had the odd texts saying how upset she is etc.

We heard from her yesterday and basicaly fed us a bunch of lies and contricicted (sp) herself.
She also threatened me of FB a week weeks ago.

We are fed up of her lies and her trying to make us seem unreasonable when it is infact her. Its like talking to a 12 years old..when we confront her we have alot of ".. yeah but..." its like we're going in circles.
She cancels visits alot due to silly reasons..then moans we are not making time for her and she doesnt see dd enough.

We cut contact just after dd2 was born as she was just putting more pressure on us and telling us how awkard we are not making time for her.

DH is at work. Im a SAHM and i'm sat here wondering if we should meet up without the kids and try and sort this whole mess out?
I suffer with anxiety and all of this stress is effecting me. I dont want to feel like this.

AIBU to want to do this? Will it change anything?
Ive posted on relationships and they know more about this situation and i know they will say to not go ahead with it..
But i just wanted some other thoughts on it.

DH has said he has had enough of her and is sick of her attitude. I just feel like my family is being split and DH has lost him mom.

AllThatGlistens Wed 26-Feb-14 10:21:19

Nope. It's a bad idea.

You know she won't change. You know this.

Don't keep getting sucked back in, you want the ideal relationship with her, but it won't happen because she's not that person. It's an unrealistic expectation, and will only continue to hurt you, your DH and your DC if you let this carry on.

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM Wed 26-Feb-14 10:21:52

Mommy I saw your other threads or comments rather.

I am not sure! I do not think you will ever change her behaviour and this is the bottom line problem.

It could be worth a try, she may open up to you, who knows.

I think its a risky strategy.

flowers for you, my problems with PILS have unfortunalty taken a nasty toll on my health. Stress is very very bad for you. I hope you get it sorted.

ghostinthecanvas Wed 26-Feb-14 10:22:21

Listen to your DH. Please. Why would you call or meet her? Family splits are not a bad thing sometimes. She is not a mother. She is toxic. Why would you keep someone toxic in your life. Move on. Go for counselling if necessary. Give yourself permission to be happy. Most of all, listen to your DH. It is his mother.

MommyBird Wed 26-Feb-14 10:32:22

Thank you. I figured as much. I guess i just thought that after 6 months she might have realised we're not standing for it anymore.

She has admitted telling people i have an eating disorder but has said it was a compliment because i'm so slim?
That's not a compliment is it? confused

We have allways given her a once a week window to see dd. She would cancel alot. She used to come down weekends but since DH has had a promotion his hours went up so weekends was really akward. We asked her to come down in the week. She went 8 weeks without seeing them because we was being akward, horrible, she cant get a lift etc. (They have a car btw!)
FIL got involved too.
What we think is she couldnt be bothered to see them. (Dd2 was born so we had a newborn too)

She has now said she couldnt come down because she was having tests at the hospital for a brain tumour and was really poorly wit her medication and didnt want dd1 and dd2 catching anything.

This is the 1st we have heard of it. I honestly think she is lying. Why wouldnt she just tell us in the first place?

I feel awful for saying that and im now doubting myself incase it is true.

MerryMarigold Wed 26-Feb-14 10:38:03

I don't think you can catch anything from someone else's medication, and you can't catch a brain tumour!

She won't change. I think it will make it worse that you have tried and failed. If I were you, I would leave the contact window open for your kids, but just distance yourself.

2rebecca Wed 26-Feb-14 10:40:27

If it is true it's up to your husband to clarify things and visit her, not sure why you feel obliged to be emotionally involved with her.
I'd stop engaging with her and emotionally withdraw so you have no expectations from her. That way she can't stress you out.
She's not your mother thankfully. Let your husband handle all contacts with her and let him decide how he wants to proceed.
You want change her, you have to learn to let her behaviour wash over you and not bother you, it's easier if you keep contact to a minimum.

MommyBird Wed 26-Feb-14 10:48:01

She said she had a "funny tummy" and didnt want the girls to catch anything from it. Can you have the runs for 8 weeks? Wouldnt you end up in hospital if you did?
I think she has chosen the extreme because if i ignore that..what a horrible person i must be?

She is going through me as DH is ignoring her.

Dd1 is 4 and dd2 is 6 months.
She didnt really have a relationship with dd1 as she didnt really interact with her.
Dd1 hasnt even mentioned her.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Wed 26-Feb-14 10:54:10

Isn't faking an illness part of the script to reel people back in?

I haven't spoken to my MIL for since DD was a baby (over 10 years now), it's bliss. DH has minimal contact (she calls him at work). She hasn't changed particularly......... it hasn't 'fixed' her, but her behaviour doesn't impact on our day to day lives anymore.

2rebecca has it spot on.

MommyBird Wed 26-Feb-14 11:01:56

Yeah it is sad
She told me how much she had crying and how upset she has been.

If we do meet up. And thats a big if. I will be bringing all this up.
I dont think she knows that FIL was texting DH trying to get us to change our minds about weekend visits. If she was ill..why would he be trying to organise a visit?

Minimum contact would be ideal. Say once a month?
Its the constant guilt tripping texts, manipulation and lies that is causing so much stress as we know its all just made up in her head.

DoJo Wed 26-Feb-14 11:03:17

Are you thinking of doing this without your husband's knowledge? Because if you are, then it's a terrible idea no matter what the outcome - the chances are he will feel betrayed and excluded and what is the point rocking the boat with your family to try and forge a relationship with someone who doesn't seem to want or deserve one?

I honestly think you need to work on how she affects you - trying to change her is a pointless exercise, so the only thing you can change is the way you react to her.

AlpacaLypse Wed 26-Feb-14 11:06:19

I think you should follow your husband's lead. He doesn't want anything to do with his mother.

Block her number, defriend on FB.

Grandparents do not have a right to have a relationship with their grandchildren if they're not going to contribute anything but misery.

LoonvanBoon Wed 26-Feb-14 11:06:46

I've seen your other threads. Don't do it - just try to ignore & disengage. The stress & anxiety related to this situation will die down eventually, but only when you are able to step back emotionally. Continuing to flog a dead horse is really not going to help.

MommyBird Wed 26-Feb-14 11:10:33

Oh no i woudlnt do this without him!
MIL and I have no relationship at all.
Which is why i'm abit weirded out that she has got into contact with me.
Im just the oven.

MommyBird Wed 26-Feb-14 11:20:43

Before all this she told me the reason she didnt come down because we told her not too.

I should just give up.

LoonvanBoon Wed 26-Feb-14 11:35:03

So why don't you give up? Why are you going over & over all this in your mind?

I totally agree with 2rebecca - stop engaging with her, emotionally withdraw.

AllThatGlistens Wed 26-Feb-14 12:19:18

I dont understand why you're still clinging onto this? She isn't your mother, and your DH wants nothing to do with her.

what else do you need to cut contact? confused

MommyBird Wed 26-Feb-14 12:23:09

I was hoping it would change.

D"H" and I are getting married in a few months and MIL is the only family he has. His did killed himself when he was 15 and MIL is the only parent he has.

That is why im clinging into this.

MommyBird Wed 26-Feb-14 12:23:39


AllThatGlistens Wed 26-Feb-14 12:26:35

But you're clinging on to the ideal of a person that doesnt exist.

she's not that lovely, sweet mum you want her to be, and clinging on to the hope that she'll one day miraculously change will only cause your poor DH more pain in the long run.

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM Wed 26-Feb-14 12:26:37

well your clinging but does want too?

so what, she is not the only family he has, he has you and your dc- the family he has chosen

CSIJanner Wed 26-Feb-14 12:26:40

She's using you as a to between as she's realised her own son has realised how toxic she's being. IMHO you should respect his wishes and not get sucked back in. Lets put it this way - how would you feel when she starts making stories up about your children? Or threatening them. Or using them as tools to attack you?

I wouldn't meet with them - not unless she's able to realise that her behaviour is unacceptable, which lets face it, is a 50/50 possibility.

CrapBag Wed 26-Feb-14 12:26:44

Don't engage. Its what she is waiting for. Her own son isn't bothered, so you shouldn't be.

I never understand why people think they can manipulate in this way (probably because many people fall for it). I wouldn't stand for it.

My MIL tried things like this. If someone dares to say something she doesn't like, she cries and says they are being horrible to her. I don't have much to do with her as I won't stand for shit like this. DH has the bare minimum involvement too.

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM Wed 26-Feb-14 12:26:49

does he want too

CrapBag Wed 26-Feb-14 12:29:14

It will only add to your stress and anxiety, not make it better. She will see that she has 'won' as you came back to her and she will not change at this stage in her life.

Your stress will be less if you cut her out completely and not deal with her 'illnesses' anymore. I am sure on threads about toxic parents, the illnesses regularly get wheeled out when things aren't going their way. Its a common manipulation thing. I am surprised my MIL hasn't caught on with this one actually.

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