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AIBU or is she? housemate-related, long.

(43 Posts)
MoominIsWaitingToMeetHerMiniMe Tue 25-Feb-14 13:22:09

This is half-rant, half-please help me understand why she is doing this and what I should do.

I'm at uni, living in a shared house with my boyfriend, a couple of friends I made last year off my course - not my best friends, but I'd say fairly good mates. I was friends with him first - call him T - and then we both became friends with her - call her P - later in the year. In March, T and P started going out. And there are a couple of other housemates in the house who were strangers at first, but we get on pretty well with them.

T is very quiet, not shy but likes his own company, laid back and easy going. P is the absolute opposite; she is loud and can seem a bit 'self-important' at times - I thought it was just par for the course with the nature of our degree, but it's above and beyond anyone else. However it was easy to deal with last year.

This year, everything has changed completely. She has become a nightmare to live with and to be around, to the point where I stay in our room most of the time.

My boyfriend and I decided to share a room, to keep the rent costs down (turns out to be a very good idea in hindsight). On viewing the house, the LL asked what room we'd like - we asked for one of the bigger ones downstairs, as it had more room for our things. The LL contacted them when the tenancy was agreed, said that we were having one of the larger rooms downstairs - she told them that we'd changed our minds and wanted the smaller upstairs room, because she wanted her and T to have the bigger rooms downstairs next door to each other. Ok, they want separate rooms, fair enough - but they lied to the LL and told her we wanted the smallest room in the house to share?

We overlooked it, made the best of it, somehow got all our stuff in there and are living there now. In August I found out I was pregnant, waited until 12 weeks before telling people etc, and things went from bad to worse. I didn't talk about it much but every time someone brought it up when she was around, she'd say "Well I was pregnant once", leading everyone to ask what happened, and she'd say "I was responsible and got rid of it". OK, getting pregnant at my age isn't the most responsible thing to have done, but it took me ages to decide against abortion and I spent weeks wondering if I'd done the right thing, so her comment hurt.

She is what I saw referred to on a thread the other day as a 'topper' - everything that is wrong with you, she has something much worse. My boyfriend works until quite late at night, a physical job on top of full-time uni. She asked how he was one morning, he just said "Oh, a bit tired", and she turned around and snapped "YOU'RE tired? You should try doing my job!". She spent two weeks working three hours an afternoon in a call centre, before the job finished. My lecturer was chatting to me about the pregnancy the other day when she butted in and spoke for fifteen minutes about a friend who'd been pregnant - every time the lecturer asked me something and I answered, she'd 'top' it in some way.

There's all the usual 'perks' of living in shared accommodation too - she does a lot of baking but never washes up, 'borrows' food from the cupboard with no intention to replace, uses our utensils but if we borrow hers, we have to show deep neverending gratitude - but she's so hypocritical with it all. She and T went away for a weekend, leaving all of the saucepans etc in the house dirty on the side, along with all the baking things she'd been using. I sent her a text asking if it was hers, and she sent a moody one back saying "Yes but we're away for the weekend and I was too exhausted from uni to clean before we left". I'm doing exactly the same course as her, trying not to use the pregnancy excuse but by this point I was 25 weeks and beginning to struggle a bit, and it doesn't stop me cleaning up.

Fine, people get tired, we did their washing up because we needed plates and cutlery. Last week we had a dash into hospital with complications, I had to stay in, and OH was with me 9am-9pm and then straight out to work. When we got back the next day, there was a really nasty message from her about how T's mum had been 'forced' to do our washing up because we hadn't done it - even though we'd informed people that I was in hospital. This was the same day as she criticised me to all my friends on the course because I emailed the lecturers and texted my mum when I knew I was going to have to stay in, because it meant missing lectures the next day and well why wouldn't I text my mum? But I didn't let her know straight away, and she had to find out with the rest of my friends the next morning poor thing hmm my boyfriend thinks it's because she wanted to be the one telling everyone, looking like she was involved, and also because she's 'jealous of the attention I was getting'. I don't understand people like this sad I'd much rather be pain and complication-free and have no-one thinking about me! Thankfully my friends told her where to go but it hurt when I found out.

I could write a book about other things she's done but I need to stop there because I've already written way too much. I'm struggling to understand what I'm doing wrong, because I seem to be constantly annoying her. I've tried to get as much info in there as possible because I don't want to dripfeed, but if there is anything I've left out, sorry blush that turned into more of a rant, but I'm just wondering how to deal with her - I'm going to have to see her for at least the next year and a half of uni, anyway! - and whether I'm doing something wrong here?

petalsandstars Tue 25-Feb-14 13:26:54

Move out with your bf and have less time in her company

Loopylouu Tue 25-Feb-14 13:27:22

Are you still going to be living there when you have the baby?

onepieceoflollipop Tue 25-Feb-14 13:28:48

You need to move out. If she asks why, just ignore (or politely say, once only, that you and dp need more space).

Imo she would love the drama of a showdown, so remove all opportunity for this. Ignore her, move on. She is narcissitic and immature. the stress of living with her is not good for you or your relationship.

YouTheCat Tue 25-Feb-14 13:28:50

I lived with someone like this when I was at uni (so so long ago). She ended up moving out without telling me and left me with £100s of punds worth of her bills.

Get you and your bf a studio flat or something. You are going to need to be away from this awful woman once you have a baby to consider.

mistlethrush Tue 25-Feb-14 13:29:21

What are your accommodation plans? I would be getting out of this house-share at your earliest convenience!

expatinscotland Tue 25-Feb-14 13:32:10

Move out

MoominIsWaitingToMeetHerMiniMe Tue 25-Feb-14 13:32:26

Already drip-feeding blush I thought I'd put it somewhere in the original post; we're at the references stage for a private rental and have our deposit and first month's rent ready to go, but the agents don't think our chances are great as the LLs don't like students, apparently (tried to say that we aren't the partying type but they're not sure it'll make a difference). There's no way we'll still be there after the baby's born because it'll be a breach of the tenancy agreement.

I know it's only another 9 weeks at the most I have to put up with her (31 weeks atm) but I don't know how to get through these 9 weeks without doing something that will make the next year and a half of uni awkward!

Loopylouu Tue 25-Feb-14 13:34:35

I ask if you will be living there with the baby as I have never known shared houses to work when one couple has a baby. Even if the people they are sharing with are good friends.

You will need your own space and the others will complain about the baby crying, you will get hacked off about them making noise and waking the baby. You will want the kitchen and bathroom to be clean. It won't work.

Is there anyway you and dp can move somewhere alone?

Loopylouu Tue 25-Feb-14 13:35:19

Sorry crossed posts!

onepieceoflollipop Tue 25-Feb-14 13:36:52

Ok, to survive for 9 weeks...remove as much of your stuff as you can from kitchen(especially stealable food and decent utensils that she might borrow). Keep in your room and put up with the extra stuff.
Something else i did in shard nurses' accommodation is to have a washing up bowl in my room and any stuff I didn't wash straight away i stored it in there. This helps you opt out of washing up wars...anything dirty in the kitchen doesn't belong to you.
Avoid her when possible, otherwise respond to her in a cool but polite manner. (not off or sarcastic, just slightly friendly like one would with a new acquaintance). Don't enter into any long debates or arguments, sounds like she thrives on these.

MoominIsWaitingToMeetHerMiniMe Tue 25-Feb-14 13:38:32

Sorry blush

She got annoyed at us about having to move out, too. Because our other housemates are 3rd years so they're leaving, the LL wants to be able to rent the property as a whole to a new group of students, so they've got to move in a few doors down with one of my best friends off the course (he is less than thrilled about that too but at least he isn't blaming it on us!). She keeps grumbling about how she's got to move all her stuff down the road.

onepieceoflollipop Tue 25-Feb-14 13:38:36

If the crockery etc is communal then go and buy your own (cheap stuff from Asda or Wilkos). just a few plates and mugs etc.

onepieceoflollipop Tue 25-Feb-14 13:39:24

Just ignore all her grumbling and moaning..tune it out. Negative people are so exhausting.

Viviennemary Tue 25-Feb-14 13:47:14

Sounds like an impossible situation. Move out. No other possible solution. Except put up with her as best you can. Ask her not to speak to you unless entirely necessary. No point in pretending nothing is wrong.

whippetwoman Tue 25-Feb-14 13:52:11

She does sound very immature and attention seeking. She's probably very insecure and jealous of your pregnancy. You can move out with your partner and baby, finish your degree and be shot of her. Eventually she will be someone you talk about "remember whatshername at uni and how she was so annoying". Small consolation now I know! You can survive nine weeks and soon you will be busy with the baby and can forget about her annoying ways. For now I would smile at her at every opportunity whilst mentally reciting the mumsnet mantra, this too shall pass.
Sorry not to be more constructive. Congrats on your pregnancy x

oscarwilde Tue 25-Feb-14 13:54:04

She sounds a joy. What goes around comes around - just try to let her wash over you, smile serenely and stay otu of her way.
Or tell her to do one and stop being a totally self-centred cow. If you really want to keep her in your life (though god knows why) you can always blame pregnancy hormones later.
Seriously - the next 18 months of your course are not going to be awkward unless you are given joint projects to do. You will be far too busy to care and she will move on to her next victim. Be prepared for her to fawn all over your baby when it turns up and to hear her tell everyone that she's an aunt figure or similar. I'd drop her right now.

NynaevesSister Tue 25-Feb-14 13:56:58

You are not doing anything wrong.

There is nothing you can do to get her to stop.

Ignore everything she says. None of it matters. Five years from now you will barely remember this except when out with friends and you all swap craziest housemates stories.

HermioneWeasley Tue 25-Feb-14 14:02:16

I dine out on my crazy housemate stories 20 years on. Make notes and savour the experience!

MoominIsWaitingToMeetHerMiniMe Tue 25-Feb-14 14:04:00

Thanks everyone. The thought of not having to think about her other than when swapping crazy housemate stories is something I'm really looking forwards to! I am dreading the fall-out when she finds out she isn't being made godparent, apparently she thinks it's guaranteed confused

We probably will have to work on projects together as it's a very practical acting degree, but I'm lucky in having very close friends on the course who feel the same way about her as I do! And my boyfriend feels exactly the same too (many of us have a suspicion that her boyfriend can't stand her - he's just too scared to tell her, as he is very much under her thumb, and her family are the sort to pile on the pressure too. Apparently her mum told her to make it perfectly clear to me that she thinks I'm a bad influence on her daughter for getting pregnant young and keeping the baby - at first I didn't believe her but I saw her just before Christmas and her dad was still perfectly pleasant, her mum glared at me the entire time!

mistlethrush Tue 25-Feb-14 14:08:47

One of my housemates spent most of our year together telling one of the others that she was 'going to hell'... and she meant it too.. grin

Cariad007 Tue 25-Feb-14 14:12:53

I'm not usually an advocate of violence but I don't know how you've lasted so long without slapping her OP! What a dreadfully shallow and selfish person she sounds. She is heading for a very lonely life if she doesn't change her behaviour.

aturtlenamedmack Tue 25-Feb-14 14:18:08

Hi op,
I don't have any real practical advice for you but just wanted to say that she sounds like a nightmare and a massive drain on your emotional energy, which you need for more important things at the moment!
I was pregnant with ds in quite similar circumstances and I really sympathise.
If you find yourself stuck re your housing situation, don't be afraid to go to the council for help.
It may also be worth seeking some advice (possibly from your students union) about housing and also check to see whether your uni has a maternity/hardship fund if you are struggling with the cost of moving or anything else to do with your pregnancy.
Hope everything goes well for you and the wee one!

lottie82 Tue 25-Feb-14 14:37:48

she does sound a nightmare, I have a few good stories as well after house sharing for 9 years. the fact is, once someone starts getting on your nerves like this, IMO it will just get worse, never better.

try to keep yourself to yourself until you move out, and congrats on the pregnancy!

Financeprincess Tue 25-Feb-14 15:40:46

Most people you share houses with when you are young are bastards, that's a rule of life!

Actually, it's the other housemates - not you, your BF, T or P - that I feel sorriest for. Imagine putting up with all that drama!

Maybe T and P thought it was a bit off for you to tell the landlord that you and your BF were having the big room without discussing it with the others, and perhaps they thought that your plan to pay rent for one room only when there are two of you was a potential problem? I've known people do this then claim that they are only one person for the purposes of bills and council tax, too.

You should also know that shared houses including a couple can be very difficult to live in.

Shared houses, especially the larger kind, are a recipe for disaster. Move out. As others have noted, you will find out on this in a few years. I certainly have!

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