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AIBU to think when someone dies...

(31 Posts)
Greenkit Tue 25-Feb-14 09:55:41

You tell their family!

I have just found out last night that my father had died in September 2013, he has been cremated and scattered.

Back story he adopted me, with my real mum when I was about 3 spend my childhood as my father until him and my mum split when I was 10yrs. He remarried when I was about 16, she was quite possessive and didn�t really like him speaking to his family, he has two sisters.

Anyway I last saw him about ten years ago, but wrote every year or so, his sisters saw him every 6months. I would have liked to have seen him more, but wife made it quite uncomfortable.

So one of the sisters had her 60th birthday in sept and had invited my father and wife, but didn�t get a response. She has been texting and ringing since then, and last week received a text back saying he had died, been cremated and been scattered in their special place, but wouldn�t reveal where.

I feel robbed, devastated that I didn�t get to say goodbye at his funeral, I have no closure, his sisters feel the same.

They were born again Christians, but this behaviour is anything but.

I am going to visit her today and try and find out a little more about it all.

JeanSeberg Tue 25-Feb-14 10:01:59

Very sorry to hear that Greenkit, I hope you get the answers you want and need during your visit today.

Hopefully in time you can arrange a special way of saying goodbye to your father and remembering his life.


ahlahktuhflomp Tue 25-Feb-14 10:02:28

What in the name of?! WTAF? I'm outraged just from you retelling it OP, I can't imagine how you feel.

YANBU. If someone dies you inform their children.

Greenkit Tue 25-Feb-14 10:05:20

He has a real daughter to and she doesnt know.

Oneglassandpuzzled Tue 25-Feb-14 10:06:48

That is absolutely dreadful. I am so sorry.

diaimchlo Tue 25-Feb-14 10:11:18

My heart and thoughts go out to you and your family thanks. I hope that you all manage to find some way of closure.

bodybooboo Tue 25-Feb-14 10:12:51

am so sorry for you op. how sad.

however it was really up to your dad to maintain the contact, these were his relationships to maintain with you and your aunts while he was alive.

I am sure the wife is an absolute cow and of course should have had the decency and humanity to contact his relatives after his death but it was still his choice to have little contact with you all.

I am so sorry for you.

Greenkit Tue 25-Feb-14 10:27:35

however it was really up to your dad to maintain the contact, these were his relationships to maintain with you and your aunts while he was alive.

His sisters had to practically beg her to see him and when they rang she always answered and he was never in.

PumpkinPie2013 Tue 25-Feb-14 10:34:23

shock YANBU - even if family are distant you still bloody tell them! shock

angry for you!

So sorry for your loss xx

Manchesterhistorygirl Tue 25-Feb-14 10:35:51

I am outraged on your behalf! Your poor, poor love. What an evil woman your dad's wife is.

Lj8893 Tue 25-Feb-14 10:42:34

Oh my god that's awful!!! I'm so sorry for you, and so angry at her!!

Hope you get the answers your looking for today.

OhGoveUckYourself Tue 25-Feb-14 10:45:37

Do you know which church they attended? If so it might be worth while seeing the vicar and asking them about his death and the funeral. That way you don't have to beg the wife for details.

Ninewksandcounting Tue 25-Feb-14 10:50:19

Did they have contact details for you?

My Grandad died and we couldn't tell one of his sons for 3 years, he has had some contact in the ten years previously but we never had a fixed address or number for him. We tried to contact him through friends and acquaintances but no luck. Very sad all round.

bodybooboo Tue 25-Feb-14 10:57:03

Greenkit again am so sorry and yes agree it's not right and not fair but unless your dad was senile or I'll then it was up to him to maintain contact with you and his sisters.

I agree the wife sounds horrible but this attitude we sometimes have of blaming or expecting the woman in the relationship to do the running is wrong. your dad should have fought to keep this contact.

honestly not trying to be mean here but sometimes it's not healthy to see things as we would like, I.e it's all this woman's fault, but see it for the way it was.

why didn't your dad phone his sisters?

I agree with the poster who says about contacting the church for more details here.

Onesleeptillwembley Tue 25-Feb-14 11:03:14

Sorry but no way were either of them so called Christians. If he was he would have seen you whatever. And the wife would have informed you of the death.
Don't grieve for someone not worthy.

Meerka Tue 25-Feb-14 11:11:54

I am so sorry Greenkit. You know it's reasonable to expect to be told of your father's death. This is just horrible.

Maybe govuck's idea would work? if you know the town, you should be able to track down which church he attended and at least be able to visit where his ashes / grave are.

again, my sympathies flowers really do think this was unutterably mean of her

LouiseSmith Tue 25-Feb-14 11:39:06

I would ask yourself if it's worth the visit to his wife. She may not reveal anything and it may just cause you more upset. I don't know if you could speak with a Solisiters xx

Greenkit Wed 26-Feb-14 14:43:13

I went to see her, I wasn't angry or judgemental after all she has lost her husband of 28yrs.

I didn't quite understand why she never tried to contact anyone, but she says she lost her phone and so wrote two letters to his sister, when she had the funeral and no one turned up she just thought it was because it was too painful. She then received a text (One her lost phone??) from one of the sisters to ask how they both were, she then realised that both letters never arrived.

She didn't put any notices in the paper to let people know when the funeral was....

She sprinkled dad 'in their special place' she wont say where, so I have no where to go to say goodbye. I did ask for a photo and one of his oil paintings and she will sort this for me. I'm not sure what to do after that really.

I don't think she tried too hard to find people and let them know, she lives 20mins from me and probably 5mins from one of his sisters, plus she drives. I think she wanted him all to herself, which is the way they lived.

JeanSeberg Wed 26-Feb-14 14:51:10

Sorry the meeting didn't go as well as you hoped.

Hopefully now you can plan your own memorial in whatever form that takes.


Greenkit Wed 26-Feb-14 17:03:38

The meeting went ok, I was respectful to her and her to me, in fact she was very nice.

I just feel after talking to her she didn't make any real effort to make contact with the family. Its done now and as you say we will have our own memorial with all the family there.

post Wed 26-Feb-14 17:29:43

When someone is cremated, whoever is arranging it generally has to sign something saying that close family members have been informed and don't object, I believe.
I hope your memorial is really lovely.

Flossyfloof Wed 26-Feb-14 19:20:01

I have never heard of family being asked if they object to cremation.

MerryWinterfel Wed 26-Feb-14 20:31:34

I was wondering if there is a way of finding such things out like a national database? Anyone know?

Also, have you seen the will? While not important to you it might explain her reluctance.

Greenkit Thu 27-Feb-14 09:37:16

I haven't even given the will any thought as he will have left everything to her, and that is his choice. I only wanted a picture of him and one of his oil paintings if she was willing to allow it.

MerryWinterfel Thu 27-Feb-14 14:16:49

You sound lovely and none of your posts suggest otherwise, I'm sure it had never occurred to you, which is why I mentioned it as one possible motivation for her not telling people. If he didn't leave a will you would be one of the people entitled to something from his estate if he left anything. It may be that rather than waiting on her kindness for a picture and photo you are entitled to it. Did he paint them himself? Its a lovely way to remember someone.

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