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To be mad at ex partner over not seeing DS

(19 Posts)
MamaPingu Mon 24-Feb-14 23:55:32

Hello, I'm not sure if I'm over reacting because I'm annoyed but this is what's happened..

Basically ex DP isn't a bad dad to DS but he certainly isn't a good one either.
He never even attempted to live with us when DS was born and we were together, that is partly why the relationship ended.

He happily goes 3-4 days at a time without seeing DS and isn't particularly in a rush to see him when he gets chance.

Today he has been busy helping a friend out and admittedly yes he will be tired out, he told he was very tired and won't be seeing DS today but will come in the morning. I had no problem with this at all.

I've just found out he has been out with friends so clearly he isn't THAT tired but simply cba to come see his son.

AIBU to ask whether I should be saving evidence of shitty things like this that he does incase I ever need to apply for full care of my child?

To me it just makes me worry this is going to continue for a long time when DS is an age where he is aware his dad isn't coming to see him and will hurt him.

Please don't have a go if I'm being daft I just feel sick of raising a child on my own then he just swans in when he likes and has no responsibilities sad

Anonymai Mon 24-Feb-14 23:59:17

Yanbu to keep a record. I think it's good for resident parents to keep emails, texts and notes about visits or cancelled visits. It means it's all there to refer back to of you ever have to go through the courts.

ninah Mon 24-Feb-14 23:59:56

it is rubbish, you need regular contact time.
in the end it's up to him what kind of dad he's going to be. For me, letting go of the thought I had any influence over my ex's crap parenting was hard but helpful.
(We are down to once a month)

ninah Tue 25-Feb-14 00:01:12

keeping a record is OK but it can make you bitter
he won't be applying for residence, will he? he'll be too tired

MamaPingu Tue 25-Feb-14 00:03:04

I'm fortunate in that he's only 6 months old so he doesn't know, it just worries me that in a few years time DS will be excited for his dad to come then he will as usual cancel at the last minute and say he's coming tomorrow.

I will find a way to get these printed out and file them somewhere just incase.
The only good thing he does is he gives us a decent amount of money to help us do the house up etc but like I have said a million times I couldn't care less about financial help I'd rather him get off his arse and be a real dad

MamaPingu Tue 25-Feb-14 00:04:21

I don't think he'd apply for residence I'd just like to cover my back if he ever tries anything.

I'm so pissed off angry

Anonymai Tue 25-Feb-14 00:04:41

Keep a record of the money as well. The more information you keep, the easier it will be should it come down to courts or anything.

MamaPingu Tue 25-Feb-14 00:06:30

Do you think that he gives us more money than he has to work in his favour?

MamaPingu Tue 25-Feb-14 00:14:47

Will work in his favour *

Anonymai Tue 25-Feb-14 00:15:51

I think money and contact are kept separate by courts. A man who pays nothing can see his child and a man who pays loads isn't guaranteed contact.

MamaPingu Tue 25-Feb-14 00:17:37

Ok thankyou very much, that is good to know.

I just want to feel safe by having bits of evidence like this to back me up if I ever need to one day!

MamaPingu Tue 25-Feb-14 08:20:29

I normally message him to see when he is coming but I've decided to stop and just see when he arrives.

It's not up to me to be chasing him to see his son!

LouiseSmith Tue 25-Feb-14 08:21:26

My sons dad is exactly like this, I stopped nagging him and he stopped visits completely.

I find the best thing is too just accept it, you can't force him to be a dad, all you can do is be there for ur DC.

MamaPingu Tue 25-Feb-14 08:24:01

Yes definitely.
As awful as it sounds a part of me wishes he just didn't want to see DS at all just because of the stress he has caused me during my pregnancy, during the first few months of having DS and now.

He isn't much of a role model for DS and would probably just have him sat on the settee watching tv for the rest of his life if he was raising him confused

sillymillyb Tue 25-Feb-14 08:24:46

Can you have a more definite plan in place, so you both know that every week he visits mon/ wed/ fri for example? I have found if its set in stone it's harder for them to wriggle out of (but not impossible!)

I feel for you, ds dad is all singing all dancing super dad so long as someone is watching him. Then we don't hear from him at all for a month in between visits. It's hard, so I feel for you

MamaPingu Tue 25-Feb-14 08:35:57

He works shifts so it is impossible to have set days unfortunately.
But really how it has been working is that he sees DS on every day he has off which is how he wanted it.

He's not coming because I've finally told everyone we have split up, I knew he'd react like this!
I'm betting he will come at 1pm today, but I'm definitely not going to check it he is!!

He is definitely like that where he is super dad when theirs an audience, and half arsed dad when it's just me there!

ComposHat Tue 25-Feb-14 08:45:13

I'm going to go out on a limb. He sees his son twice a week (on each day he has off), pays over the odds maintenance and has re-arranged the contact rather than missing it altogether.Unless there is a back story or I am totally misreading the situation, he doesn't that crap.

MamaPingu Tue 25-Feb-14 10:13:31

We have only just split and that was as it was before. I was a single parent, with a partner who lived with his parents and in a 12 month period applied for 4 jobs and had 6 driving lessons.
So basically he cba to live with us and never even tried to, so I got told him it's over after it turned out he cheated on me when pregnant.
He also refused to come see me when I was pregnant towards the end so I was depressed.

So he's never done a thing for us other than give us money to keep us from complaining he was never there.

I realise now we aren't together he is doing ok, but after all the stress he has caused me lying and staying out til 12:30 in the morning instead of seeing your child because you're too tired just tops it off

Backtobedlam Tue 25-Feb-14 10:17:43

I don't think it can hurt to keep a record. Don't tell ex that you're doing it obviously, but it may make you feel better just to write it down, get it off your chest and feel like you're doing something. It's always there then, in writing should you ever need it.

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