To not want to be a guarantor?

[NCSpanner]

Ever, to anyone really, but specifically not to DH's relatives, who are the only ones likely to ask!

BIL has a history of crappy money management and jetting off abroad with his GF while leaving PIL to deal with his bills from their tiny pension. He also gets all sorts of unrealistic "business" ideas and asks for "investments". He's also the type to either mysteriously be drawn to the crappiest landlords ever, or (as I suspect) is a crappy tenant who gets himself into arrears and trouble with perfectly normal landlords.

So far we've done okay avoiding loaning him money or guaranteeing his rent - we've been able to say quite honestly that we can't afford to, and last time he moved we didn't own our own property. Now we do. He's having to move soon. I can feel it coming.

But DH loves his baby brother and is a total softy and I know he'll find it very hard to say no and he'll think we have no options but to help if we can because we've also received help when we were in a tight situation. AIBU to not want any kind of financial ties with this kind of a person?! And how can we say no without wrecking our relationship with the whole family (because, you know, BIL is the baby and people need to be nice to him...) ?!

[Leeds2]

YANBU at all! And you do not have to justify yourself to other members of the family! If the family want to act as guarantor, let them.

I know, easier said than done ......

[brettgirl2]

I would never be a guarantor for anyone. I would much rather lend money then it's risky in my control so yanbu

[RevoltingPeasant]

OP if you couldn't pay his mortgage/ rent/ whatever if he defaulted then you cannot be his guarantor.

I was guarantor for my sister when she was at uni, because one parent lives abroad and the other is self-employed. I also acted as guarantor for a friend for a while. In both cases, their rent was approx 400-500 pcm and I had a salary, so if they had had a disaster I could have sucked that up for 1-2 months whilst they sorted themselves out.

However, now I have a mortgage of my own I couldn't afford to do that.

Practice........ 'Unfortunately our mortgage commitments mean we can't be guarantors'

It's suitably ambiguous. If pushed, 'We've spoken to the bank and it doesn't look like it's possible.'

[BadgersRetreat]

oooh sod that, YANBU

[expatinscotland]

Don't. No is a complete sentence.

[FastWindow]

God, a neighbour of someone I know asked her to be a guarantor. What planet???!! The neighbour is well known to default on the smallest things, Eg preschool fees... How would it be if it was rent or a loan?

She turned down the golden opportunity.

[Joysmum]

As a landlord myself who went through a debt collection agency and had to chase a very distraught guarantor who didn't realise how quickly rent and damage could wrack up, I'd really advise against being guarantor for anyone.

[NCSpanner]

Thanks. We could absolutely not take on another person's rent - we're paying a mortgage on single income.

The rest of the family only really come into the picture because they've cut out contact with people in the past for refusing to provide references to their Darling etc. I personally wouldn't care, but DH would.

I just hate the fact that he's probably gonna put us in the position soon again of being the bad guys.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

At least you can see it coming so you can practice your "no". Rubbish though.

[BrownSauceSandwich]

I put my foot down in a similar situation. Having to fork out for this person's rent would have risked losing our house. Only guarantee what you can afford to lose, regardless of how much you trust the person in question... You never know what might come up. If your husband insists, or even goes behind your back, you have my permission to go completely berserk!

[Nottheshrinkingcapgrandpa]

If you act as a guarantor, then this could affect you when remortgaging if its still in place when you need to find a better rate.

Bitter experience. ..

[NCSpanner]

Brown, good you put your foot down. I can't imagine DH going behind my back; he'll just feel really sad and crappy.

A thought: I wonder if we could reason that because all these landlords are obviously so crap they might try to claim for stuff from guarantors by all these random loopholes, even though BIL wouldn't do anything wrong...?

[BrunoBrookesDinedAlone]

Turn it round -

'Eh? Well no of course we can't we have a mortgage now! It's calculated on your outgoings, we'd get in serious trouble if we said we could take on the costs of your rental if something happened. We could lose the house, lose our home - it would finish us. It's not like being in rented.'

Or you could be vehement about not wanting, ever, to risk the wonderful relationship you have with darling ickle BIL by getting into financial agreements with him. In fact, it's something you feel very sensitive about as it happened in your family, major fallings out about money. So sad, and you vowed never to get into that kind of situation with anyone important to you. Ever.

[ADishBestEatenCold]

I have a friend who was asked to act as guarantor for her Dd and daughter's DP's flat lease. My friend was quite willing to help her Dd, and they looked into it quite extensively, but (if I recall correctly) my friend's mortgage provider would not allow it.

Something to do with the combination of both debts (her own mortgage and her Dd's lease) would have been higher than allowable on some sort of mortgage repayment index and, of course, friend's mortgage provider needed to safeguard their own precedence.

I can't remember all the ins and outs, but I do remember being told it was not uncommon, yet that some people go ahead and act as guarantor without realising that this is against the terms and conditions of their own debt.

Would this not be a fine 'excuse' for you, NCSpanner? You could simply say your mortgage provider does not allow (indeed your mortgage provider may well not allow)!

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

Bruno has it

'Eh? Well no of course we can't we have a mortgage now! It's calculated on your outgoings, we'd get in serious trouble if we said we could take on the costs of your rental if something happened. We could lose the house, lose our home - it would finish us. It's not like being in rented.'

[NCSpanner]

Wonderful Bruno! ADish that does sound good. :)

Thinking about it, we used to have a large deposit ourselves in lieu of guarantor - I don't know how common this is. But if DH feels he absolutely must try to help, we could suggest an affordable gift or loan towards that. It would at least be a one off that wouldn't cause future worry.

[AdoraBell]

If you think DH might go behind your back instead of just going beserk could you pre-emt by arranging with the bank not to allow anything to be attached to the mortgage, or any other loans issued without both your signatures?

I know that won't protect agaisn't him signing something he shouldn't. Maybe sit him down and show him a budget including his brother's rent in your monthly outgoings. Tell him that once he has saved a year's worth of his brother's rent then you might reconsider, maybe.


YANBU

[whatever5]

I sympathise as my BIL is similar. Fortunately he hasn't asked us to act as guarantor yet but he has tried moving in with us a few times (because he's "about" to be made homeless). We come up with all sorts of excuses for why he can't "temporarily" live with us as we know he would sponge off us and we'd never get him out unless we paid the deposit and first months rent for a new place.

I suppose that you will have to say that you can't afford to act as guarantor and then helpfully try and find places he could rent without one. Be as apologetic and "helpful" as possible.

[NCSpanner]

I'm so glad I came to have a wee rant on AIBU. :)

No, I really don't think DH would ever go behind my back. While he loves his bro, he's quite annoyed by how irresponsible he and well, he's not a jerk. But now I feel like I have something reasonable to say to him, rather than "nooo!"

[bodybooboo]

absolutely and definatly don't.

my ds acted as a guarantor for a friend at uni. friend fucked off owing money and left our ds with a huge bill.

my dh managed to get him out if it as credit checks hadn't been done. it made him ill.

[bodybooboo]

also if you all keep bailing him out and infantilising him ( not the word but you know what I mean) he will never learn.

[Crowler]

NO. Don't do it!

[ukatlast]

YANBU do not do it ever. A guarantor is 'a fool with a pen in his hand'.

[specialsubject]

you can't afford it. Fact. End of.

you don't have a choice, you can't do it.

brilliant news!

[WorrySighWorrySigh]

How old is this 'baby' brother?

I know that my DM (big sister) was made to think and ultimately changed her views about her 'little' sister. DM was going on about how poor her sister was on her pension at 50 when DH pointed out that this pension was not expected to be her whole income and that at 50 she should still be working.

DM had always swallowed her little sister's 'poor me' stories and this comment from DH did make her see the reality of the situation a bit more clearly.