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To be utterly fed up with this financial situation?

(220 Posts)
MadDogLady Mon 24-Feb-14 15:40:49

DP moved in with me 6 months ago. We discussed finances before he moved in. I earn slightly more than him, however although he seperate from his wife 2 years ago, and is now divorced, no financial settlement was made. In short, this means that a large proportion of DP's wages are taken up paying off the credit cards/loans that were taken out in his name during his marriage. The upshot being that he can't afford to give me anythung towards bills/food.

I knew this before he moved in, but 6 months on, it's really getting me down. I do (and pay for) the food shop each week, including stuff for his lunches at work, his alcohol (about £20 each week, which he's already said is non-negotiable), treats he asks for...if we go out, I pay. If we want to go on holiday, I pay.

I can't see how it's ever going to get better. He's still on the mortgage of his house he owns with his ex, which has a large amount of equity in it, but he's been told he's unlikely to be able to taken off the mortgage until his younger children are 16/18. This isn't for another 12/14 years.

AIBU to be fed up of supporting another adult, with no end in sight?

weeblueberry Mon 24-Feb-14 15:42:07

He's said £20 on alcohol is non-negotiable?

That's the thing that would be sounding warning bells to me tbh...

LaurieFairyCake Mon 24-Feb-14 15:43:42

If he doesn't contribute at all he's a cocklodger

You're not getting this money back - it's not a loan.

He is using you.

AnnabelleLee Mon 24-Feb-14 15:43:51

Its not just about the money really, is it? this is clearly a man without much pride, and with much direction. He got divorced without a financial settlement? Who does that? Lazy people banking on someone else doing the thinking, and paying, for them.
Lucky he has you, hey? Otherwise he might starve to death. Or pull his head out of his arse and manage to pay for his own stuff, presumably.

How was he supporting himself before he started cocklodging with you?

MadDogLady Mon 24-Feb-14 15:44:10

If I don't buy it, he finds the money to buy it himself. He says it's his one indulgence, his way of relaxing after work. Tbh I do think he has a bit of a drinking problem, but that's another story...

AnnabelleLee Mon 24-Feb-14 15:44:18

*without much direction.

TheABC Mon 24-Feb-14 15:44:38

He is freeloading. If he was not living with you, how would he live? He would still have to eat. When you moved in together, what was the arrangement? Did he give a timetable for when the repayments would finish?

Nomama Mon 24-Feb-14 15:45:00

A handout for alcohol is non negotiable?

You know you are his current gravy train, don't you.

I can appreciate he is under the cosh but his financial troubles are not your responsibility - he gets a 2nd job or bugs out!

PerpendicularVince Mon 24-Feb-14 15:45:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

weeblueberry Mon 24-Feb-14 15:45:12

Well it's a different story true, but if you're concerned he's got a drinking problem and you're feeling as though financially he's not contributing...?

Ultimately are you happy with him?

MadDogLady Mon 24-Feb-14 15:45:15

He moved in with his parents when he separated from his wife. There's no way he could afford to support himself.

LaurieFairyCake Mon 24-Feb-14 15:45:25

If he finds the money to buy it himself it means he is screwing with you.

It's that simple. You're not important enough for him to contribute to the relationship


TheABC Mon 24-Feb-14 15:45:57

If he can afford money on booze, he can contribute towards the shopping.

MrsBungle Mon 24-Feb-14 15:47:41

How on earth did he support himself before he moved in with you? It's totally unacceptable to contribute nothing at all!

MadDogLady Mon 24-Feb-14 15:47:51

weeblueberry no I'm not happy. The seething resentment has built up to the point where it's destroying everything we had.

expatinscotland Mon 24-Feb-14 15:48:06

YABU for letting this utter cocklodger across your threshold. What a total loser he is. Do you really think this is the best you can do. Get a cat! It will cost less and give more.

Preciousbane Mon 24-Feb-14 15:48:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Viviennemary Mon 24-Feb-14 15:50:44

You have no obligation to financially support this person. Tell him to move out and finance his own life.

MadDogLady Mon 24-Feb-14 15:50:48

The thing that's brought this to a head is at the moment, he sees his children every other Sunday afternoon, when he takes them to his parents'. The court contact order stated that when he had suitable accommodation, he can start having them overnight. He wants to start bringing them here, but (and I know IABU) I resent the thought of 3 extra mouths to feed every other weekend, plus the costs of furnishing my spare room so they've got somewhere to sleep.

weeblueberry Mon 24-Feb-14 15:51:19

I'm afraid you have your answer then. sad If the resentment has taken over it's just going to bubble away until you crack.

The hardest thing is deciding to make a change but if you're not happy you've got to put yourself first.

dawntigga Mon 24-Feb-14 15:55:24

He's shown you who he is, he's a cocklodger. It's up to you what you do next.


Beavie Mon 24-Feb-14 15:56:11

Yanbu. He is acting like a child, so let him go back and live with mummy and daddy.

Stockhausen Mon 24-Feb-14 15:57:07

What a strange situation. .. im not convinced bt the mortgage/ex wife/marital debts... im sure his ex might tell a different story to his...

sorry op, but id kick his sorry ass out

MadDogLady Mon 24-Feb-14 15:59:16

Every time I try to talk to him about it, I'm accused of having a go at him/being unfair. All I want is for him to chase the financial settlement, and look for a better paid job - I understand this isn't easy, but I want him to at least try.

His attitude is very much, everything is someone else's fault; I just want him to man up and take control.

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