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SIL issue..

(189 Posts)
DaenerysTargaryensDragonBaby Mon 24-Feb-14 10:29:54

My DB and SIL came to visit us yesterday. We don't see much of them anymore, as they live 300 miles away.

SIL was annoying me, and I feel really upset about it today.

First she commented on my maternity leave plans (currently 31 weeks pg) and was shocked at how little time I am taking off. She was quite bare faced about it; open mouth, 'oh my goodness' type comments.

Then, she remarked on some of the items we have in the nursery. We don't know the gender of the baby, so we have things that are blue, pink, green, white.. all sorts. She kept picking things up and saying 'this will be wasted if it's a boy/girl then' and such. I said, as it is a baby it won't know the difference, and she just laughed at me and said 'oh I forgot you have that whole gender thing going on' (I have done campaign work for let toys be toys).

She was then just irritating me the whole time, probably because I was annoyed anyway... so probably irrationally.

When they left, I was a bit pissed off and spoke to DH about it, and then forgot it. But I have woken up today really upset about the whole situation.

So as not to drip feed.. we have a bit of a strange relationship anyway. We used to be quite close, but a couple of years ago she decided to distance herself from us (and my parents) and we barely, barely see her. In fact, this was the first time since Christmas, and Christmas was the first time since last April that we had seen her. My brother brings their DC's up often. SIL harbours resentment that I am close with my parents (and subsequently, they are closer to my DC than hers) and she seems to have an issue with me generally. I am not sure why, and DB always says nothing is wrong when asked.

AIBU to be so upset today? Should I do anything, or just let it go?

Goldencity1 Mon 24-Feb-14 10:39:50

Life is too short, let it go. They live 300 miles away? At least you don't have to see her very often.

I say this and my sil gives me the rage as well, luckily they live 2 hours away smile

DaenerysTargaryensDragonBaby Mon 24-Feb-14 10:42:47

I know, life is too short. But I have nephews who I really want to see more often, and her behaviour makes me never want to see her again.

We used to see them a lot, at least once a month. Now, we see her once a year if we are lucky. We aren't allowed to visit on a Sunday as it's 'family day' (um, aren't we family?).

Maybe I am being too sensitive.

Goldencity1 Mon 24-Feb-14 10:43:37

Oh, and my SiL told me, a SAHM, when she was pg with their first that she "was going straight back to work as she didn't want to be a parasite on society".
Oh how I laughed! Especially as then she was a SAHM for 15 years as children are so stressful!

tangyyoghurt Mon 24-Feb-14 10:50:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DaenerysTargaryensDragonBaby Mon 24-Feb-14 10:52:53

It's such a horrible feeling. I just want us to be close like we used to be.

QueenofallIsee Mon 24-Feb-14 11:04:30

I understand that you want that closeness, especially if you are a close family but I think that you have to accept that she DOESN'T want that. You can't force it if its not there.

Sounds to me that she is one of those women who is jealous of her husbands closeness to his family and rather than being part of that family, tries to force him to reassure her all the time that she is more important than you are.

Don't let her win - remain cordial but try to let go of the grief..i don't think that she is worth it

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 24-Feb-14 11:05:05

If you were close at first I wonder what drove you apart.

At school, it seems vitally important to us to be right. Later we learn we can hold certain opinions very strongly but at the same time be more respectful of other people’s beliefs and viewpoints. SIL might seeing your family's way of doing things as a threat to be crushed instead of learning opportunities. She might not have figured out yet, “You don’t have to be wrong for me to be right.”

If you and DB are still close, I think you just have to accept for now that SIL isn't willing to embrace you all, he obviously saw something in her that drew him to her, the fact that they have come to visit this weekend is surely a sign she isn't averse to trying again?

DaenerysTargaryensDragonBaby Mon 24-Feb-14 11:09:12

Her being present on the visit definitely felt forced. She didn't take her coat off the whole time, and said 'we need to get going' about 6 times.

I guess I can't force her to be close to us. But it's shutting out family, it's an odd thing to do. I can see that is upsets DB (it was evident at Christmas) but she is standoffish to the point of downright rude.

DaenerysTargaryensDragonBaby Mon 24-Feb-14 11:09:42

And, it's definitely affected my relationship with DB. We are nowhere near as close as we used to be.

RonaldMcDonald Mon 24-Feb-14 11:11:14

Your SIL sounds fine

People have different views on pregnancy, child raising - actually everything.
It is hard to accept that others can have their views and you can have your views without personalising their views as an attack on your own.

If she is being horrible or mean to you then of course you should speak to her about it and examine with her what you hear when she speaks and what she actually might mean. However if she is simply disagreeing with your view point I think that you and she can happily co exist in the same space without any issue.

YABU

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Mon 24-Feb-14 11:14:35

Really Ronald? Yes people have different views, but being rude about them isn't necessary.

MomOfTwoGirls2 Mon 24-Feb-14 11:15:33

She sounds jealous to me. Seems like she was going out of her way to rile you. There probably isn't anything you can do, as this really is her problem.

kotinka Mon 24-Feb-14 11:16:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DaenerysTargaryensDragonBaby Mon 24-Feb-14 11:20:26

Ronald - it wasn't just a differing opinion - I have differing opinions with people all the time and I manage to have conversations without either party being rude.

She literally laughed at me regarding my views on gender stereotyping. That isn't just 'airing your views', that is disrespectful.

She was being rude, to the point where I am upset about it.

I think there is probably nothing I can do. I will just have to accept that this is how she wants to be. It makes me really sad.

kotinka Mon 24-Feb-14 11:22:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RonaldMcDonald Mon 24-Feb-14 11:25:50

Yes, really.

It doesn't sound as if she was very rude. She simply voiced differing opinions imo.
If someone says something that starts to irritate me I examine whether it is me - for instance in a rotten mood to start with etc. Then I examine whether I am jumping to the worst conclusion. Then I ask if it is just a different <but maybe bloody irritating> opinion. If I have gone through all these stages and it is still something that is an irritant I speak to the person about it.

I fully expect people to feel differently than me. I also feel able to let them express doubt over my views. I think it is useful and also I have no control over their thoughts or views. If I feel someone is being purposely unkind or mean to me then I will bring it up.
This doesn't sound like it to me.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 24-Feb-14 11:27:20

Maybe SIL is a prickly personality. Perhaps she rarely thinks people like her for who she is or that she is worth liking. She might have felt you got along initially because you were keen to keep close to DB so were prepared to make an effort for his sake, does that make sense?

For all you know, SIL is equally wary of and antagonistic towards all women.

kotinka Mon 24-Feb-14 11:28:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tobiasfunke Mon 24-Feb-14 11:29:35

SIL harbours resentment that I am close with my parents (and subsequently, they are closer to my DC than hers)

Perhaps that is the reason distanced herself from her in laws? You obviously have no idea how horrible and toxic it is to see your kids being treated as second best by their grandparents.

She shouldn't have been rude to you but then maybe she sees yet another child that will be further up the pecking order than her kids.

BabyDubsEverywhere Mon 24-Feb-14 11:30:08

She sounds pissed off that your dc are favoured over hers...

RonaldMcDonald Mon 24-Feb-14 11:33:21

OP

I can see that it must be difficult to accept that your views are laughable to some. Perhaps she does find them laughable. If you don't like the way she has behaved perhaps you could gently speak with her.

However, I'd examine my mood first.
I'd examine how much the gender stereotyping was a hot button for me - it might be throw away laughter to her but of vital importance to you.
I'd examine that for all the things that she has upset you about
If it is that you feel that her communication style isn't working for you perhaps speak with her
You cannot expect her to hold or respect your views but you could request that she expresses her opinions differently in your presence in future.

It may be that when you speak with her, that she also has some things to say to you. You may need to be prepared to hear some things from her point of view also and this might help repair your and her relationship

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 24-Feb-14 11:34:32

I thought that OP meant, if SIL distanced herself from her in-laws and rations visits, then the GPs are bound to see more of her family than DB's, hence being close.

Does SIL prefer to focus on close ties with her own family? That's nothing unusal.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 24-Feb-14 11:34:53

unusual.

HauntedNoddyCar Mon 24-Feb-14 11:38:00

What Ronald says could be correct in isolation. So if it was just what happened yesterday then it could be a difference of opinion.

But when you put it in the context of the general distancing herself from your family etc then it's too simplistic.

Something is upsetting her. It may be something someone's done, it may be her issue or it may be something else entirely. My xsil decided she didn't like us. We could do nothing right.

I can't quite see what you can do. Let it lie.

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