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to be feeling a bit hurt by this?

(36 Posts)
dontevenblink Mon 24-Feb-14 04:26:26

I don't know if I'm overreacting to this due to pregnancy hormones, as DH thinks I am, so thought I'd ask for opinions... This may be long, sorry!
I live on the other side of the world to my family, and I've been feeling a bit rotten (sickness, really, really tired) with this pregnancy (my 4th) so DH suggested I tell a couple of my close friends here to get a bit of support. We've never told anyone before the 12 week scan before as I get a bit paranoid about jinxing it - silly I know but I worry a lot! But as my friends here are like my family and I knew they would help me if I needed it I thought it was a good idea.
So I told two of my friends when I was about 8 weeks, who have been great, really happy for me and helping out with school run etc.

Anyway, a good friend came round for the morning, who has been very supportive in the past and we help each other out with babysitting, moving house etc, although as we live on opposite sides of the city we don't see each other as much as we used to. In the middle of a conversation I had to run off to be sick blush, so I figured I should tell her really, and was kind of planning to anyway. However, she reacted in a really negative way, saying that she wouldn't want more kids (she's got 3 herself), she likes her own life, rather me than her, which is fair enough, but she is 10 years older than me and I did point out I was actually happy to be having a 4th dc. She started quizzing me about where they were going to sleep and I said they would share, 2 in each room, as they are all close in age, to which she said it was cruel to make them share as she believes kids need there own rooms...

This isn't the bit that has really upset me though. I get a bit paranoid about things going wrong with the pregnancy, and I don't really like many people knowing before the scan in case something is wrong, so I told her to please not tell anyone at all and to keep it quiet until after the scan, and she said of course she wouldn't tell anyone... Fast forward to a week later and I go round a friends house, only for her to say "so I heard your good news!", to which I was a bit shock obviously! I obviously knew where she must have heard it as she doesn't know the other two people I told, and asked her had she seen our friend. No, apparently the moment my friend had left my house she had texted our other friend saying "don't is pregnant!". My other friend said she was really shocked she'd been texted it as she'd presumed I'd wanted to tell her myself, and had texted pretty much that back, but hadn't had a reply. She said that when she was pregnant this same friend had told our whole baby group despite being told not to, which I had completely forgotten shock. She has just told me that take it as a lesson learned that you can't trust her with anything that you want kept a secret.

I haven't heard anything from this friend since, but I'm sure I will in the next couple of weeks and I really don't know what to say to her. Do I mention it and tell her I was a bit hurt, or do I just pretend it didn't happen? She is the kind of person to just shrug stuff off so I don't know whether I should just leave it?

So am I being unreasonable feeling quite hurt and a bit betrayed by this? I am feeling very hormonal and I am really worried about my 12 week scan this week in case something isn't right, I'm already feeling sick about it (I had a bit of a horrendous scan with dc3, they thought something was wrong, left me for ages on my own, everything was shown to be fine on a scan 4 weeks later though). So am I overreacting? Sorry for the long rant, feeling a bit down and stressed at the moment sad

CorusKate Mon 24-Feb-14 04:31:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FirstStopCafe Mon 24-Feb-14 04:35:50

I don't think you are over-reacting. I know when you tell people you run the risk of them telling others, but you asked her to keep it secret so in my opinion she should have..sounds like she just wanted a bit of a gossip. I would mention to her that I wasn't happy.

Congratulations and best wishes for your scan.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Mon 24-Feb-14 06:30:41

Blabbermouth is not a good friend. I'd tell her you're disapp

TestingTestingWonTooFree Mon 24-Feb-14 06:31:52

...disappointed about the breach of confidence and cook things with her. It's not as if she let it slip. She decided that the excitement of passing on gossip was way more important than your express wishes.

PinkLemons Mon 24-Feb-14 06:36:09

Congratulations!

pussycatdoll Mon 24-Feb-14 06:39:35

Sounds like you picked the wrong friend to tell

Mutley77 Mon 24-Feb-14 06:56:46

It's such a hard one. I feel really guilty reading this as I probably reacted similarly when one of my close friends told me she was trying for No 4 - I didn't maean to be negative, I was just really shocked and it was like my mouth engaged before my brain had a chance to tell it not to!!

Anyway, I don't think you're overreacting - esp about her breaking your confidence (I would never ever do that). I remember when I was pg with DD1 and someone at work congratulated me before 12 weeks (I had told a couple of people in confidence due to a prior mc) and I was so upset and sensitive I started crying and had to go home for the rest of the day blush - pg hormones will do that to you!

But I would just leave it. People don't always behave the way you hope and I am one for not creating a drama - just learn and move on - different friends good for different things and no point making things awkward (esp when you might need your friend to help you grin )

AnotherWorld Mon 24-Feb-14 07:02:30

Congratulations! YANBU. What a bitch. Agree the only way of reacting to a much wanted pregnancy is to celebrate.

There are 6B people on this planet. I would drop this "not a friend" and spend time instead with nicer people smile

Cakecrumbsinmybra Mon 24-Feb-14 07:07:42

If I'd ask someone not to tell anyone about an issue/pg and they immediately texted another person to tell them, then I would consider them to be (a) not a real friend and (b) a bit of a twat

It's just really childish behaviour and YANBU. I would tell her you were disappointed and just move on. And her reaction to the pg sounds like envy to me - but I wouldn't dwell on it, again just move on. She sounds annoying and insensitive. And you're probably a bit over-sensitive right now. Congratulations btw!

Pobblewhohasnotoes Mon 24-Feb-14 07:08:20

YANBU, I'd be inclined to send her a text saying 'I told you about my pregnancy in confidence, it wasn't gossip'.

If she shrugs it off I would re-evaluate the friendship. It's not her news to share, and I'd tell her that.

Minnieisthedevilmouse Mon 24-Feb-14 07:08:31

My boss did the same. I asked our news to be on the down low but straight after our chat she went to the next and told the room of senior colleagues. I was emailed by three congratulating me. It broke all trust I had and destroyed the job. She had complete form for it too.

Some people are just c u next Tuesdays. I complained. I suggest you do too.

Congrats by the way. Exciting stuff!!!

dontevenblink Mon 24-Feb-14 09:14:48

Thanks so much for the congratulations. I'm glad you think its not just my hormones, although I don't think they've helped! I think I was just so shocked that someone would so blatantly betray my trust after I specifically told her not to. I'm thinking now that I must have had my doubts anyway to make sure I told her not to tell anyone.
I just hate the thought that she's most likely telling other people I only vaguely know and having a gossip about something I really wanted kept secret. I'm thinking our friendship will change from here as I'm not sure I'll feel totally comfortable around her at the moment. Still not sure whether to say anything.

Fullpleatherjacket Mon 24-Feb-14 09:19:16

YANBU.

I had a friend spill the beans to an acquaintance when I'd asked her to keep it quiet and I was fuming angry

I still see her but she's told nothing these days and this is eighteen + years down the line.

Congrats BTW smile

MyNameIsKenAdams Mon 24-Feb-14 09:22:18

Baby News belongs to the parents-to-be. Coming from anyone else is simply gossip.

She would get both barrels from me.

Pukkapik Mon 24-Feb-14 09:30:58

YANBU at all.
Some people react to others' pregnancies in the most insensitive ways. It hits a raw nerve with many people for lots of personal reasons.
Congratulations. The scan time will soon come and go and then you can relax into it and enjoy the pregnancy and your lovely baby.
PS Who cares where they sleep, as long as they sleep?!

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos Mon 24-Feb-14 10:04:23

Minnie as your boss there are limits as to what she can say to whom when told stuff in confidence: my boss was very circumspect and knew her limits.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Mon 24-Feb-14 10:12:18

I really hate people telling other peoples baby news. I think it's cruel and disrespectful. I would definitely over react about this and tell her to fuck off. Just one of those things that boils my piss!

YANBU in the slightest

ateddybearfromdelaware1 Mon 24-Feb-14 10:15:14

I'd say she was jealous tbh

ahlahktuhflomp Mon 24-Feb-14 10:27:58

There's no way around it, she took a conscious decision to text people right after undertaking not to.

It's not even like she cracked under questioning. Not a friend imo. Acquaintance perhaps.

dontevenblink Mon 24-Feb-14 22:14:38

ateddybear I think you might be right to be honest, she had said a long time ago she probably would have had another if she had been younger.
She's always been quite opinionated and is generally convinced that whatever she does is the right way and has upset another of my friends on a few occasions before, for example by telling her she had to sort out her children's bedtime (they were a bit unsettled at night) as her children love sleeping and it was just bad parenting if they didn'tshock.

Overall, I think it is the fact she sent a text out that has really upset me - it is one thing to see a friend and not be able to keep it a secret (although I would still be annoyed), but to purposefully text someone to announce it before I could just makes me so mad! I think I may avoid seeing her for a bit as I really am not sure what I would say - I'm rubbish at confrontations. What do you think I should say when I do see her?

MintyChops Mon 24-Feb-14 22:26:10

YANBU, I would be really upset too. I am 8 wks at the moment with DC3 and have only told 2 close friends. If I thought one of them had texted someone else my news I would be so so hurt. I think the best thing for you would be to concentrate on yourself and feeling good about your scan. Don't give her more headspace, focus on you. If she contacts you or makes any reference to it just say " I was very upset that you texted X after I specifically asked you to keep it secret. I don't understand why you did that". Then leave a big uncomfortable silence for her.

Congratulations by the way!!!

FetchezLaVache Mon 24-Feb-14 22:31:51

YANBU. If fact I'd be bloody offended at that. She sounds like an utter egotist, whereby "I'm pregnant" becomes "I challenge you to justify not having a 4th child!" and your clear request for her not to tell anyone is just seen as optional.

Are you going to pull her up on blabbing? Either way, I wouldn't be actively seeking her company ever again for a little while, I don't think.

dontevenblink Mon 24-Feb-14 22:54:54

Congratulations to you too MintyChops! You're right I do just need to forget it for now and concentrate on pregnancy, I'm already feeling incredibly nervous about the scan, so feeling bit emotional anyway!

Fetchez I did definitely feel like I was being asked to justify having a 4th child and I did point out to her that we were happy with it. I've got no plans to contact her at the moment, she knows its my scan this week and I'm worried about it, but she still hasn't been in touch, so I'm thinking that speaks volumes too. Luckily I've got some really good friends who've been brilliant.

MintyChops Tue 25-Feb-14 07:47:33

By the way, don'tI told my cousin who I am very close to and her reaction went like this " Jeeeeeesus!!!! I'm really surprised. Was it planned?". I had sent her some moany texts 10 months ago about being tired and fed up during a period when my DH was working v late a lot, the baby was sick, our 4 year old was a handful and I was b'feeding and the dogs were under- exercised as only getting one walk a day and she interpreted this as us not wanting any more children. I asked her not to tell anyone and said when I've had the 12 wk scan I'll ring her back and she can feel free to say some of the more traditional things like "congratulations". She did apologise but people can really say some stupid or thoughtless things. As far as I know she hasn't told anyone else though.

When is your scan?

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