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To ask DH to tell MIL how he feels..and possible NC

(5 Posts)
Howlongwaylong Sun 23-Feb-14 22:22:36

DH family is to put it mildly awful to him. We have been together for 14 years and for the first 9 I encouraged him to see them..btw.MiL and FIL have been divorced for 30 years. However they have always been uncaring, money grabbing selfish people who swing between emotional blackmail and generally ignoring him. His elder brother is also snippy and uncaring...

Since our daughter was born over 4 years ago they have barely bothered to see her...I mean less than 24 hours in 4 years by his mother and half that for his dad, even less so for BIL. The saddest thing is that DD almost died at birth, spent 3 months in hospital and has ongoing developmental issues. When they deign to visit it is always at the time date and location of their choice.

I have a large, noisy, happy extended family who have welcomed DH and keep on good terms even with the exs of relatives so I don't have any major issues in my own family. DH has a huge and loyal band of friends. I feel really sad for DH but I have had enough...I would rather now that DH tells MiL who is asking for a visit that it is now all or nothing (DD issues means she has major issues with strangers and transitions) so either they step up or bugger off

I don't mind if DH sees them but not DD. He is 45 and not a child. His relationship with them is his own but I will not have the pain and lack of respect metered out on my DD. I did btw tell him this before she was born as they have been so awful to him....middle aged male friends of his have initiated conversations with me to tell me how MIL treated him when they were kids!

I could and would tell them myself but feel that he wants me to to hide behind...as I said he's an adult it's not my place as his wife but I am prepared if need be to speak up for DD

WooWooOwl Sun 23-Feb-14 22:26:43

I think you have to leave it up to your DH to decide if he wants to tell his parents how he feels or not, or if he wants to go NC. All you can do is suggest it as an idea that he might consider and support his choice.

As for your dd, it doesn't sound like they are bothered about seeing her anyway, so it might not be worth the fall out of telling then they aren't allowed contact.

Has something happened to make you consider this now, are they trying to see he or something?

WhoNickedMyName Sun 23-Feb-14 22:32:37

You encouraged him to see them for 9 years, now you want him not to see them... How about you just stop interfering for a bit and give your DH a chance to decide how he wants to handle it?

The problem here is you come from a close loving family and you expect the relationship with his family to be the same.

If they haven't been like that in the past they i doubt they'll change now.

It's perfectly acceptable to have a relationship with family that doesn't involve the "all or nothing" that you want from your MIL, and that actually consists of a bit of distance, occasional phone calls and very rare visits.

It's not what you're used to but that doesn't mean it's wrong.

Howlongwaylong Sun 23-Feb-14 22:33:42

Hi thanks for your reply. Yes MIL is asking to see her again. Haven't bothered for six months as their dog was dying (still alive. Btw). As more of a back story last year to try and gain appreciation (his words not mine) he offered to help MIL buy a house...against my wishes. She contacted him all the time, as soon as he said it wasn't possible financially...she went NC! DD is being tested for autism (due to her birth issues) she is would be cognisant of MIL visiting and an understanding of who she is although is not old enough to remember her last visit (who would)

Howlongwaylong Sun 23-Feb-14 22:42:47

I understand parts of your view however I have agreed he can do as he wishes but my daughter will not have the pain inflicted upon her that he has had inflicted upon him. My view is that it is my duty to protect my children from any influences that are destructive.

I don't understand your viewpoint in some areas as it is wrong to hurt your children, disrespect their children and demand things on your terms when you choose to see them. My family is working class multicultural where we have all been taught that kindest to others is the most essential part of not just family but being itself...so no I will never understand them or accept their model of being a family..sadly my DH doesn't understand it either

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