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What's so wrong about this? (sex related)

(20 Posts)
IwinIwin Sun 23-Feb-14 17:17:29

I was having a conversation with a friend yesterday, she was talking to me about her lack of sex drive at the moment and admitting that when they had/did have sex a lot of the time her DP is a bit hands and heavy with it. The kind that might be a bit too harsh in delicate areas where less pressure should be used-shall we say.

We got onto a conversation about sex with my DP because I told her sometimes he could be a little like that-especially when over excited or having a drink- she was asking if it was always satisfying and barring a some very drunken and tired incidents on both our parts- I said it was. We got on to orgasms and I admitted that I didn't have one every time but sometimes I was a bit too sensitised for them or just wanted to skip ahead.

We both pretty much agreed on the sensitivity thing but then she asked if ever DP left me unfinished by coming too quickly, especially if he did it while we were just in the foreplay stage. I told her usually no because either I'm not in the mood for more, DP finishes me off or I get out my vibrator or masturbate.

The first two she sees as fine, the second she said seemed really rude to her. Like I was saying DP wasn't enough and surely that's a knock to anyones feelings. She got quite het up about it, I'm not sure if it touched a nerve and maybe her DP has been flying solo but she really saw it as rude and dismissive of y DPs feelings.

AIBU to think that it's not a problem to use the vibrator? Sometime i use it on me, sometimes DP uses it on me- he's there watching- only on a few occasions has I gone elsewhere to do it (usually involving the shower) but he knows I'm doing it and has never said he minded. He called me kinky (he's very vanilla) and told me he liked a woman that knew what she wanted the first time I brought it out.

I do remember being hesitant about bringing it out the first time but if he can have orgasms, why can't I? As I said it's only a small percentage of the time but now I'm wondering if IABU and should speak to DP?

ReadyToPopAndFresh Sun 23-Feb-14 17:23:24

YANBU! Why is sex done with the man is finished? Why is your orgasm less important than his?

If you finished first you'd make sure he was done or he would right?

ReadyToPopAndFresh Sun 23-Feb-14 17:24:41

tbh her sex life sounds quite miserable and she doesn't seem to be getting much out of it. Clearly she doesn't feel like she can talk about that to her parter or hope for anything better. Maybe that's why she is being miserable about you getting what you need

IwinIwin Sun 23-Feb-14 17:26:44

ReadyToPopAndFresh I definitely wouldn't leave him hanging if I was done. It's just making me second guess a bit. I had one partner years ago who'd get humpy if I did try to finish myself or suggested he did but we broke up pretty quickly after that because it became clear all he cared about was himself.

AnyFuckerHQ Sun 23-Feb-14 17:26:54

I didn't quite follow your post, but is your friend saying that if a bloke doesn't make you come you have no right doing it yourself because it might hurt his delicate feelings ?

Finola1step Sun 23-Feb-14 17:27:51

If you and your DP are happy, then it's really of no concern to anyone else.

I think maybe you touched a nerve which is always a risk when you over share.

IwinIwin Sun 23-Feb-14 17:28:20

Maybe. I just don't know how to help her with that. I listened to her and commiserated over the heavy handed thing, suggested that she talk to him because if it's bad for her he must be picking up on it. They love each other so much I can't see him not knowing about it.

IwinIwin Sun 23-Feb-14 17:29:20

AnyFuckerHQ Yes, that's it and I shouldn't be expecting him to want to finish me off with it either. I don't know if it's the vibe or the whole finishing thing.

IwinIwin Sun 23-Feb-14 17:30:12

Finola1step I guess so but I don't think it's over sharing if she's asked me is it? She wanted to know so i was honest with her.

AnyFuckerHQ Sun 23-Feb-14 17:46:41

Ah, your mate has some odd ideas about how sex works or she is over-invested in male entitlement for some reason

I don't think you can help her though. I reckon you should look after your own sex life and she should look after hers. Or direct her to some feminist reading.

Pigeonhouse Sun 23-Feb-14 17:52:48

Your friend suffers from the delusion that sex is over when her husband orgasms. I can't decide whether she has pitifully low sexual self-esteem, or whether her ideas are based on the kind of porn films where the guy pulls out, produces the money shot, and the woman is left in some kind of juddering heap of post-orgasmic satisfaction by her mere proximity.

georgesdino Sun 23-Feb-14 18:36:34

If I waw in your position I would say its your dp that should make more of an effort you definitely shouldnt be worries about offending him if hes not even making you orgasm every time.

WitchWay Sun 23-Feb-14 18:39:58

Masturbation is important to me - I couldn't tolerate a DP who didn't accommodate that!

ReadyToPopAndFresh Sun 23-Feb-14 18:41:55

the woman is left in some kind of juddering heap of post-orgasmic satisfaction by her mere proximity.
grin

littleballerina Sun 23-Feb-14 18:50:49

I'd assume jealousy tbh!
I used to believe that I had a really low sex drive, turns out that I'd been with the wrong men ;)

IwinIwin Sun 23-Feb-14 19:12:44

Thank you all smile I couldn't be with a DP that didn't accommodate it either.I have had my vibrator longer then DP!

I think I'll avoid talking to her about it and if she brings up sex i'll steer away. She did message me a little while ago to say sorry for getting all humpy and told me she was just feeling a bit shit at the moment. I just told her that I hope she was okay and I'd see her soon.

She text me a long text about how she thinks her DP does more masturbation because she doesn't want sex and how she wasn't comfortable with masturbation and really thought vibrators were gross. I think she went off on a bit of a rant. I've avoided sending back because it feels a bit judgy to be honest and I don't want to get drawn into a sex conversation again.

pandarific Sun 23-Feb-14 19:42:31

A lot of women are brought up to believe (or pick up from teenage peers) that female masturbation is 'wrong', 'gross', 'disgusting', 'gay as a perjorative' etc etc. Maybe your mate had this growing up and has internalised it?

It sucks really, as it's one thing not feeling the desire to masturbate, but another thing to feel it's wrong/gross to do so. It's really probably not aimed at you personally though OP.

AnyFuckerHQ Sun 23-Feb-14 19:54:59

There is nothing wrong with chatting about sex, but she is trying to make you feel bad about something to make herself feel better

That's not happy-clappy friendly sex chat. That is crap, and yes I would avoid it with her as it is not really what a "friend" should do

I feel sorry for her, but it's not up to you to educate her

pandarific Sun 23-Feb-14 20:10:12

I wasn't suggesting being your mate's counsellor btw OP, you're under no onus - just giving a possible explanation for her behaviour.

whois Sun 23-Feb-14 21:04:21

If DP has reached climax and you haven't, surely it's nicer for DP to lie back and relax and have a song while you use your vibratory to finish off, rather than having to work through his relaxed-ness and go down on you or whatever?

What wouldn't be nice would be if you gave a massive sigh and said 'oh, not again, this is so unsatisfying' then rolled over away from him and got on with your vibrator!

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