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to think this is odd? re:a friend.

(18 Posts)
brighteyedbusytailed Sun 23-Feb-14 14:39:49

I have a mate whom I talk to a fair bit via messenger, text and has been good to me during bad times.
However I've noticed something odd in her reaction to me leaning on her emotionally , the rare times I do,
I am married, a sahm ,and self employed, she is single , childless and unemployed, she suffers a condition (facially) and says this makes her confidence low and feels she cannot look for a job until its gone, she has worked before but not for a long time.she is seeking medical help, she often gets very down about recent interests loosing interest or being messed about, about how everyone is settling down etc which I understand , although It can be a bit draining at times, especially when she reacts to my wobbles in such First time , my birthday, I received a stream of messages about how another love interest had gone quiet and understandably devastated, but instead of being straight up spent hours streaming out pitiful messages 'I don't feel well' and inevitably let me down and hour before, Not a single
Happy Birthday' in among that, an odd way,

I've noticed on 2 occasions , first time I was talking about how alone I felt due to DH working late etc, a bit down and then decided that was the best time to tell me the plans we had made for Friday , she didn't think she was going now , cuz' she felt 'a bit down' hmm I wasn't impressed me and dh had moved stuff about so I could go out.
And the other week I told her in a emotional state, about a recent DX for SN with one of my DC, she was comforting to an extent , then said ...of all the times,
'I don't think I'm going to your DH birthday, I won't be able to afford it' confused its a month away, she'd previously said yes..hmm just so weird?
Has anyone else experienced this?
AIBU to think this is an odd way to behave to a friend in need of support?

brighteyedbusytailed Sun 23-Feb-14 14:45:20

sorry some of that sounds a bit garbled ,edited and it makes less sense!!

summary, 3 times this kind of thing has happened, birthday, the 'i'm lonely dh working late' and the SN DX time all three same thing happened, feels very odd to me I can't figure out why.

Finola1step Sun 23-Feb-14 14:45:24

Maybe she just doesn't have the emotional capacity to support you as she is tied up with her own issues. Does she see you as someone who has pretty much "got it all" and therefore hasn't really got much to complain about?

I'm not suggesting that is the case and I can see that you find it strange. She may be someone who never quite knows what to say when a friend is having a tough time.

splasheeny Sun 23-Feb-14 14:46:44

Maybe she is in a bad position herself and unable to give you support?

Maybe she just feels awkward discussing these things with you? Not all people are good listeners

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sun 23-Feb-14 15:36:20

I can see that if I was single and miserable I'd find it difficult to sympathise with a married friend who was lonely because their husband was working late.

It seems that this friend just isn't very receptive to giving you emotional support. Maybe you need to decide how important that is and reevaluate your friendship with her.

jammygem Sun 23-Feb-14 15:59:19

It sounds to me like she's struggling a lot herself and has a lot going on and just doesn't feel able to give you emotional support.

Thetallesttower Sun 23-Feb-14 16:32:54

This is a one-way street friendship and I guess what I'd be asking myself is whether she ever supports you. I think it's ok for a friend to be not in a good place to support you some of the time, but if they are never there for you or can't go to these events ever that's a different thing. She does sound depressed but equally you can't feel guilty about that and a friendship where she doesn't turn up to anything isn't going to sustain anyway.

Oldraver Sun 23-Feb-14 17:31:50

She sounds like she is the one that wants support but not prepared to give it back selfish. Her role in your relationship is to be supported, you are the supporter.

brighteyedbusytailed Sun 23-Feb-14 19:14:53

I have depression myself, i do understand to an extent possibly why i stick about she has helped me in ways but more recently has become like that,
Really testing? loneliness exists on different parallels,

brighteyedbusytailed Sun 23-Feb-14 19:16:20

Sorry to x2 post erm yeah I wondered about if its about onesidedness, its just the drastic subject change and often in a way to shit on me ,(metaphorically speaking) when I'm most vulnerable.

jammygem Sun 23-Feb-14 19:25:31

I agree that loneliness exists on different levels, but that doesn't stop someone from feeling unable to sympathise - for example, when I was single I probably wouldn't have been able to empathise with you being lonely when your husband was away, yet nowadays I get lonely when my DP isn't here.

As I said above, perhaps she's having a hard time herself and doesn't feel able to support you - when depressed I can be incredibly selfish and narrow-minded and often moan and rant to my friends, completely blinkered to their problems and what is going on in their life. Luckily I'm a bit more aware of this now, but is there a chance this could be the case with your friend?

Not much of an excuse, but it maybe just bringing it up with her could help - it's very possible she doesn't even realise how one-sided the relationship has become?

brighteyedbusytailed Sun 23-Feb-14 19:37:03

i think that is possibly the case jammy with the blinkeredness, like i said I have depression myself and like you say its well known that sufferers become incredibly self absorbed, perhaps she's more of an extreme level than me?

perhaps I could, I send her a bit of a stern message when she dropped me the second time outlining how me and my husband had been messed about and she isn't as inconvenienced by plans changing at last minute, i didn't speak to her like a week after that I was annoyed.

PortofinoRevisited Sun 23-Feb-14 19:51:28

You talk much about her supporting you and not so much about supporting her. She is off because she has let you down. Have you tried to get to the bottom as to why - she could be really struggling. I wouldn't be judging her nearly so harshly.

PortofinoRevisited Sun 23-Feb-14 19:54:09

You need to evaluate if she is someone you want in your life. She could be attention seeking, or she could need help.

jammygem Sun 23-Feb-14 19:54:31

Well, there is a reason that depression is sometimes called the Selfish Disease... Just be honest with her and tell her that you want to support her but friendship is a two-way street.

Just a quick question - has she been diagnosed with depression too, or is she just going through a tough time? It might be worth encouraging her to go to the doctors if she hasn't already. At the risk of playing internet-diagnosis, it does sound like she could do with some help.

brighteyedbusytailed Sun 23-Feb-14 21:46:25

Ive always listened and tried to offer suggestions she has a crap family life and often I have often stuck up for her in hard times, I have suggested these things but I dont know if dhe listens to any of it.thanks for replies next time I will tell her gently next time xx

CrapBag Sun 23-Feb-14 21:58:25

I agree with testing.

She probably sees you as having ev erything she would love, yet you complain about if and she just can't identify.

Not the same thing but I have a long term health condition that makes me utterly exhausted. I get a lot of 'oh i'm tired, I know how you feel now etc' type comments from friends, which is annoying and utterly stupid because they have no idea. I now do not discuss my health issues with them because they do not and never will get it. Sometimes people in our lives cannot identify with certain things which makes them incapable of supporting us with it.

chocolatemademefat Sun 23-Feb-14 22:47:27

Stop making plans to do things with her - she doesn't want to do it. Keep the lines of communication open but back off a bit. If she knows you're there for her that's all you have to do.

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