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To want a bit of flexability from ex regarding contact?

(97 Posts)
Loopylouu Sun 23-Feb-14 13:22:36

Ds is 11 and goes to his fathers house EOW. His father lives a four hour drive away, and dh and I do all the traveling to facilitate contact, dropping ds on a Friday night and picking up on a Sunday afternoon. Pain in the arse, but I was the one who moved away - although when I moved, ex had a tenancy agreed on a flat in the town I was moving too (where we are both originally from) but then met a woman and decided to stay put at the last min.

Anyhow, I am currently very pregnant and the past few weeks dh has done the journeys alone as I really don't think I am up to an 8 hour round trip twice in a weekend as I've had a few problems recently. My consultant also said she'd really rather I was not too far from the hopital as ds arrived early and v fast labour ending in section, this baby is breech to complicate things further. Don't fancy a breech vbac on the hard shoulder!

Anyway, I have a date for my section, it's on a Friday that ds is due to go. So dh would have to pick him up from school and then head off on an 8 hour round trip. He might even miss the birth as I could still be waiting for my section at 2.15 which is when he'd have to leave to get to ds school in time to pick him up. He'd then be away all day on the Sunday.

I have asked ex today if ds could be here that weekend - to be honest, I'd like him to be the first to meet his new sister, and I know I will just want to see ds as soon as I can.

Also, as ds was early I am kind of expecting this baby to be early to. If ds is away, I have asked ex if he can bring ds home, I don't want dh to have to leave me while I am giving birth to go and get ds.

Any missed weekends, exh can have ds for two in a row afterwards, we are willing to be flexable.

Ex has said no to everything. The weekends have to stay as they are.

Ds is so terrified of upsetting his dad that he won't say anything. He gets imotionally blackmailed and gets told "if you don't want to see me, I'll never see you again" if he ever broaches changing a weekend so now he doesn't bother.

Exh told me to 'grow up' and that if I couldn't cope without dh there then he's worried how I will cope with a new baby and ds (ex h was at ds birth, but very begrudgingly as he was supposed to meet up wih a fire d for lunch, I was accused of going into labour early to ruin it!).

Fwiw, if it was the other way round I would bend over backwards to accommodate him being with his wife.

I don't want to run the risk of giving birth alone, dh would be devistasted to miss his daughters birth, I want ds to come to see me/her ASAP when she's born and I am worried about the saftey of ds driving with dh if he's worried/anxious etc.

Surely I am not being unreasonable?

Loopylouu Sun 23-Feb-14 13:26:46

Also, forgot to say that he's been awkward about dh picking up ds alone. He is getting really shitty about handing him over to dh and is demanding to know why I'm not there. I've told him, I'm 35 weeks pregnant, I can't do 16 hours driving in a weekend. I won't be doing it when the baby is here either, I'm not taking a baby on that longer journey all the time.

He says he is contacting a solicitor about that...he had no reason to be worried. We've lived with dh for four years, he's very a very safe driver, he would never put ds in danger.

lunar1 Sun 23-Feb-14 13:29:19

Just tell him your dh won't be driving that weekend. I agree that you should facilitate the transport as you moved, but there has to be some room for life to get in the way!

Just tell him that in this one occasion he will have to pick up and drop off ds, he can't exactly force you into the car with ds.

MsColour Sun 23-Feb-14 13:29:19

Is there a court order?

BlackDaisies Sun 23-Feb-14 13:30:11

Of course you're not being unreasonable. I would just put it in writing that your dh will not be driving to take your son as you have a cs booked on that Friday. I don't think you should be doing all the driving anyway given that the original decision was that you were all driving. Maybe offer to drive every other weekend he is with his father and his father drives the other one.

But the birth weekend, your dh cannot go. Personally I would also make the decision for your son that he is with you that weekend, as it will be important for him to feel included.

macdoodle Sun 23-Feb-14 13:30:20

Of course YANBU, but you know that. Do you have a court ordered arrangement. Or just an agreement. If the latter, I woulnt bother asking just say this is whats happening. And tough. He is using this as a means if control.

Loopylouu Sun 23-Feb-14 13:30:37

No, nothing ever went to court.

He did the divorce himself. It's all private arrangement.

BlackDaisies Sun 23-Feb-14 13:31:07

Sorry I meant the original decision was that you were all moving

chesterberry Sun 23-Feb-14 13:31:12

I don't think you are being unreasonable and your ex sounds very controlling. I certainly don't think that your DH should be driving your DS to visit your Ex on the day your C-section is booked in and he shouldn't have to miss the birth and seeing his daughter's first moments. I would certainly say to your ex, "I'm sorry but we will be unable to take DS to visit you. If you would like him that weekend you will have to come and get him yourself." I would not budge on that and would say that unfortunately you are just not able to make the 8 hour trip on that day and your ex will have to make other arrangements, either to pick up your DS from school himself or to have him the following weekend.

holidaysarenice Sun 23-Feb-14 13:33:11

It is your job not dh to drop your ds there, you can't do it so ds doesn't go when u are giving birth. The other weekends I think you do have to do it, or get ur dh to do it.

I also think the travbelling needs to go to court to be sorted. As he had a tenancy agreement in ur town then it should be fairer.

MsColour Sun 23-Feb-14 13:34:02

I think if there is no court order then on this occasion (and i'm sure you wouldn't make a habit of it) you cannot facilitate contact that weekend. The rest is none of his business.

Loopylouu Sun 23-Feb-14 13:34:20

I have said no on a before. Ds as really I'll with a D&V bug, here was no way he could go for four hours in the car and exh was taking him to a wedding the next day. I out my foot down and said he'd be staying at home in bed. The next time ex h had him was the brining of the summer hols, he then refused to bring him back after 'his' 3 weeks, even started telling ds he was going to go to school there I. The sept. It took a week and a half to get ds home, he was only 8 at the time so it was very distressing for both of us.

MsColour Sun 23-Feb-14 13:37:29

You could always offer another weekend to compensate. Sounds like a bit of a controlling twat tbh though

Loopylouu Sun 23-Feb-14 13:38:03

*once before, sorry.

There is also the issue of him not wanting dh to pick up ds alone. How do I deal with that one? There is no reason for it, he's just being awkward.

FetchezLaVache Sun 23-Feb-14 13:39:04

If nothing ever went to court, would it be wrong of me to suggest that "fuck him" is a whole sentence? He'd have to get his skates on to take you to court before the birth and if he managed it, I'm sure he'd be told he was being v. unreasonable. IF it led to a contact order, that could work in your favour longer-term as he would probably have to do his fair share of the driving- court unlikely to insist you undertake that amount of travelling, esp. with a newborn in tow.

*Disclaimer: not a lawyer.

I would email him the arrangements for that weekend, presented as a like-it-or-lump-it fait accompli. If he's going to be a cunt just for the sake of it, I would stop trying to get him to agree- you're appealing to a reasonable side he quite simply lacks.

Loopylouu Sun 23-Feb-14 13:39:29

mscolour I've said he can have the following weekend instead, so two weekends in a row. But he's said no as it will take away from the time he spends with his wife and her children.

BoffinMum Sun 23-Feb-14 13:42:11

I would say that given the pg situation, he will have to collect DS or get someone to pick him up for weekends until you are through the birth and over the aftermath.

Alternatively is it possible to stick DS on a direct train? Some people do this on inter city routes and it can work quite well with the right child.

Aeroflotgirl Sun 23-Feb-14 13:42:17

Yanbu at all, tell ex your not able to do contact that weekend for tge above reasons you stated. E mail him too so you have that in writing.

Aeroflotgirl Sun 23-Feb-14 13:42:48

Yes if he wants contact that weekend he can collect ds!

JackNoneReacher Sun 23-Feb-14 13:45:36

Yanbu. And I think he should be sharing the pick ups of your ds.

And when it's your turn to drive ds it's entirely up to you who drives the car.

MsColour Sun 23-Feb-14 13:45:56

Well you've done what you can then. You are not being unreasonable but based on his past behaviour, you are right to be concerned. Just say you are sorry, there is no way round it on this occasion. And wrt dh picking him up, there isn't much you can do, either your dh does the drive or contact can't happen. Sounds like a court order would be helpful.

Loopylouu Sun 23-Feb-14 13:46:56

The is no direct train. Ds is only just 11 and still at primary school, so I am not comfortable with him traveling alone.

It's just not going to happen. I am not having dh miss the birth ffs. I am just worried about what he'll do afterwards. He's already stopped maintainance (he said it was because he'd lost his job, but last time ds went to stay he'd moved to a mucharger house, so obviously he wanted to spend his money on the move rather than ds! He pleads poverty as well so won't do the child maintanance service as he'd have to pay now and that would mean he could pay even less, sob stories all round from him).

Funnyfoot Sun 23-Feb-14 13:47:27

Put it in writing and explain why the visit cannot happen unless your ex arranges transport and explain that you are happy to double up future visits. Keep a copy for yourself.
If your ex wants to take it to court then fine but he needs to be aware that the judge may decide that he has to compromise on the transport arrangements which means it may not go in your ex's favour.

Stop letting this man control you and control your DC. He is doing it because you let him.

PikaAchooo Sun 23-Feb-14 13:50:35

I appreciate that things have been difficult in the past but you need to put your foot down. Either your Ex picks your son up or there is no contact that weekend because you will be having a baby and your husband will be with you.

I suggest you tell your ex that and ask him which he would prefer. Don't give him the option of alternatives, just tell him it's one or the other end of story.

What a dick he sounds!

needaholidaynow Sun 23-Feb-14 13:52:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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