AIBU to deny unborn baby's father contact

[gabcat]

Hello, never posted on mumsnet but am a long time lurker .

basically I am 27 weeks pregnant and split with baby's father when I was 16 weeks pregnant due to the following reasons :

exp has a ds with his ex , she put in a claim for cm through CSA , he then quit his job so he didn't have to pay (did not discuss this with me)

before the above happened we got a new apartment I stayed at my parents whilst he decorated etc , hardly saw him for 2 weeks , popped in to see how he was getting on , NOTHING had been done , exp was sleeping on the floor as he hadn't even bothered to move his belongings in from other property !

since we have split I have found out he is keeping less than desirable company eg. local well known drug dealers and drug takers ( he has began selling and smoking drugs himself ) and is currently residing with someone who from word of mouth has recently had his house raided for fire arms! my exp has been to prison for drugs/firearm and dv offences (he was never violent to myself and had been out of prison and living a 'normal' drug free crime free life when I met him) and I think he has slipped back into his old ways.

I have not allowed him to my scans/midwife appts as since we split I have received numerous abusive/threatening texts saying my son will hate me and he will kidnap my baby from hospital and I just would not be comfortable having him in on what is technically a medical appointment

his ex has also stopped him having contact with their son

wibu of me to deny him contact with my son until he stops dealing and taking drugs , has a suitable residency , a steady income and provides financial support etc ?
I do not want my child to grow up witnessing his new lifestyle and thinking it is ok or normal to lead this kind of life !

[gabcat]

wow didn't realise how long this was ! tia for any advice !

[Nomama]

Don't ask.... you know the answer.

Keep yourself and the unborn safe! Sod him....

[Nanny0gg]

wibu of me to deny him contact with my son until he stops dealing and taking drugs , has a suitable residency , a steady income and provides financial support etc ?

Do you honestly think there is a realistic chance of that ever happening? Over the long term?

Stay away. Your baby deserves way more than that.

[LosingItSlowly]

The threats to kidnap him would alone be enough for me to make sure my child and I were as far as possible away from him.

[FrigginRexManningDay]

Your child will not gain anything from having contact with him.

[AlpacaLypse]

yanbu at all, he's not in a place to be a good or even adequate father at the present stage of his life, and the only person who can sort him out is himself. The abusive texts are a massive red flag in particular. Make sure to keep them as evidence.

Best wishes, and keep posting on here for support.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

No. YWNBU. In fact I think you would be very sensible.

The courts may try to give him access but there are various things you can do try to slow this down and keep your baby safe.

1. Keep the abusive text messages etc. Go to the police and get a record of the kidnap threat. Theyrobably won't do anything g now but it will get a record of it and they may be able to get advice.
   
2. Tell your midwife about your fears. Again gets a record. Get it on your medical notes tHat he should not get access at the hospital.
   
3. Don't put him on the birth certificate. He will then have to go to court to get parental rights. And may not bother. (Or if he does it may be evidence for you that he has changed.)
   
4. Breastfeed. If you are baby's food then baby can't be away from you for long periods.
   

Good luck and congrats on the baby.

[ReadyToPopAndFresh]

I hope you have kept all the threatening text etc and documented them with the police?

YWBU to ever let him anywhere near your children

[ReadyToPopAndFresh]

That's a really good idea regarding breast feeding so your baby can't be away from you..never would have thought about it!

[WaitMonkey]

Exactly what mumof said. Good luck.

[HermioneWeasley]

Do not put him on the birth certificate

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

Oooh and try and become friends with the mother of his other child. First as the two of you can then compare notes and assess threat levels better. Secondly it is important to children to know about their genetic background. As the father is too dangerous a sibling is a good way of doing this.

[trampstamp]

If I were you op when the baby is born I would not put his name of the brith certificate

[SidandAndyssextoy]

Talk to your midwife and also social services. SS will not want someone using and dealing drugs around your baby. In the unlikely event you end up in court over this, which, as others have said, is unlikely and even more so if you don't put him on the birth certificate, then social services would have some say on what arrangements should be put in place.

Also tell the police about his texts now, and keep them informed if any others arrive.

[FrigginRexManningDay]

Have the birth cert rules not changed so that the father has to come to the office with the mother to register the child or else he cant go on the birth cert?
Or did I hallucinate that

[gabcat]

thanks for the replies so far !
I didn't think I was being unreasonable but I've had some friend (mutual) say I was and kids should have both parents but I seriously think my ex would do more damage than benefit my son ! I have kept all the texts and since reading everyone's replies have decided to keep him off BC ,
should I tell my midwife the full story or just that he's not to come to hospital ??

[SidandAndyssextoy]

The full story, gabcat. They are used to hearing difficult things about relationships during pregnancy and can make referrals to the appropriate people.

[Anonymai]

Full story. Then it's on record somewhere.

[FrigginRexManningDay]

I would tell them the full story.

[specialsubject]

stay well away. Don't compound the initial mistake of going anywhere near this man with letting your child see him. He's too bad to change.

consider him dead, but report the threats etc to keep you safe.

[LurkingNineToFive]

Just to offer an alternative thought- what about supervised contact at a centre he probably won't turn up but a least then the dc won't blame you in the future. Yes he sounds like a loser and a pot head, but is he actually dangerous? And in a few years he might sort him self out. I'm just thinking about 16 years down the line.

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

I wouldn't pal up with the mother of the other child.

Work on the basis that, given the circumstances, the threat levels are high and cut yourself off from him and anyone with a connection to him. You don't need the aggro.

Agree with telling the midwife and having everything clearly documented. When you do tell the midwife, make it clear that safeguarding your newborn is your absolute number one priority. It's when it appears that it may not be or that you don't have proper insight into the situation, that the red flags start going up with SS etc

[Fantissue]

YANBU to deny contact because of the drugs issue but YABVVU to deny contact because he doesn't have a stable job or living situation, even if it is of his own making. His willingness to pay maintenance for another child has nothing to do with your child.

[bigboobsbertha]

You chose him to father your sprog, now you are stuck with him in your life for at least the next 18 yrs. Tough, you should have been more selective. No good whinnying now