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To think these parents have lost their minds and wonder If SS could be involved?

(86 Posts)
MamaPain Sun 23-Feb-14 10:13:59

DM Link

I will try to find another link but gist of the story is these parents are supporting their 16 year old daughter in her choice to move to Turkey to live with and marry a 21 year old Turkish barman who she started a relationship with on the family holiday.

To me it just seems a madness and I wonder if there's a case for involvement by outside agencies. I think they are not just allowing but helping their child to put herself in such a vulnerable situation.

MamaPain Sun 23-Feb-14 10:16:28

Heres a non-DM link.

By the way, I'm not saying the barman is predatory or not a nice person, just that the parents behaviour is totally irresponsible.

Joules68 Sun 23-Feb-14 10:19:01

Do you have any teenagers yourself op?

mumblechum1 Sun 23-Feb-14 10:20:23

I remember several of my classmates getting married at 16 (all upduffed) in the late 70s. As long as the parents consent it is perfectly legal, though obviously not exactly what anyone would choose for their dd.

greenfolder Sun 23-Feb-14 10:20:35

well, i wouldn't . but at 16 you can marry with parents consent and all sorts of cultures do this. would not imagine that any agency would be interested.

BakerStreetSaxRift Sun 23-Feb-14 10:21:14

She's 16, she can do what she likes reaLily, I wouldn't think social services would need to be involved.

Its a bit weird, you'd hope her parents would have higher hopes for her, maybe they think this gut can give her a better life than she'd have here, so YABU.

I'm not clicking on a fail link do I haven't read the story.

McPie Sun 23-Feb-14 10:21:21

It could be the age old situation where if the parents show their disapproval then they will push the dd to do whatever she wants to and may end up stuck in a relationship where she feels she cannot ask her parents for help for fear of the I told you so's. At least this way she knows they support her and can go back home to them if it all goes wrong.

georgesdino Sun 23-Feb-14 10:21:26

I would be happy for both my dcs to marry at age 19 or 20. I wouldnt want them to marry someone from abroad though that couldnt speak English.

Groovee Sun 23-Feb-14 10:22:12

Well at least she is 16 and not 13 like that other young girl was who got left behind in Turkey by her parents when she fell in love with the bar man.

Joules68 Sun 23-Feb-14 10:23:25

mcpie my thoughts exactly!

She's going over for 7 weeks before any wedding, so maybe in that time she will change her mind

ReallyTired Sun 23-Feb-14 10:23:59

In answer to your question, it is nothing to do with social services if a 16 year old decides to get married. Social services are there for under 16 year olds. In the UK its perfectly legal for a 16 year old to get married and leave home. There is nothing that parents can do to stop her leaving home and getting married. In many ways a 16 year old is not a child.

I have to admit I would not be best pleased if my daughter wanted to get married at 16, but I would want a relationship with her and her husband.

Joules68 Sun 23-Feb-14 10:24:19

And no case for any 'outside agencies' op hmm

FoxesRevenge Sun 23-Feb-14 10:25:06

It will all end in tears, their plans are all over the place.

She's expecting to come back in April and do a college course or part time job before she gets married in August. Good luck with that love.

WhoNickedMyName Sun 23-Feb-14 10:28:38

She seems vulnerable to me, bullied through school to the point she was withdrawn from school and home educated, then bullied on her college course so she quit. Then she meets this guy on holiday, sleeps with him within days (with her parents knowledge/consent), they fall in love. Red flags all over this story for me.

I dunno, she seems like a prime target and I won't be surprised if she's selling the story of her abusive marriage in a few years time when it all goes wrong.

CoffeeTea103 Sun 23-Feb-14 10:28:45

The only people with a bit of sense in the situation seem to be the grandparents.

bebanjo Sun 23-Feb-14 10:30:17

You see I think the opposit. Had they not " allowed" the couple to sleep together they would have done it anyway but the parents would not have know, not been on high alert and if anything had gone wrong the daughter would not have been able to tell her parents.
Agen by " allowing" her to go and get married, they are still on very good terms. Should it all go pear shaped she is more likely to go back home.
If the parents forbid the relationship the daughter would go anyway but may never be seen agen.

pixiestix Sun 23-Feb-14 10:33:18

Haven't clicked the link but I would imagine that at 16 she will do what she wants to and that if her parents want a good relationship with her they are better off not throwing around threats and ultimatums. It is highly likely to end in tears and at least this way she will return to them at the end of it.

Joules68 Sun 23-Feb-14 10:35:16

They are doing the right thing by keeping open communication with the daughter and fiancée. Better this way than running off....cos let's face it, she will do it anyway

You cannot stop her

Tricky age. Why the hell would SS be involved ?? Isn't 16 the age you can join the Army and become potential cannon fodder ?? hmm

The best thing they can do is support her, it will probably fizzle out in the end. If they 'put their foot down' it's a surefire way of alienating her.

FoxesRevenge Sun 23-Feb-14 10:35:40

It's the constant 'we're in love' that narks me.

We want to be togevorrrrr!

MamaPain Sun 23-Feb-14 10:36:10

Joules I currently have and have had teenagers. Including my current teens I've been the parent to 5 teenagers.

I'm not some new mummy with no ideas about anything past the toddler stage if that's what you're suggesting.

It's not the marriage, it's the going to live with a family where she doesn't speak the language and is in a different country. I allow my DC lots of freedom, including spending time abroad without me, but how on earth are they going to monitor her welfare.

I think it's totally bizarre, maybe it isn't a SS case but I'm sure if she was at a school and mentioned this then questions would be asked.

georgesdino Sun 23-Feb-14 10:39:48

Dh and I were just like this when we met. We got the tattoos, the whirlwind marriage, the we love each other, we are in luurrvve. It all worked out for us, but yeah we were so cheesy we probably needed a punch in the face grin

bella411 Sun 23-Feb-14 10:40:20

Think the parents are a little misguided on his one. I understand the parents not wanting to disapprove of the relationship so they still have a relationship with their daughter and they don't get the teenage rebellion from her.

But surely they can bless the relationship without the couple getting married so quick and her moving to Turkey to live with his family as they've only been "together" for a year. If it was my daughter id be going along the lines of I think a long engagement would be a good, stay in the UK finish education, have a life then look to get married to each other. The Turkish man will be doing national service in Turkey and the daughter will be staying with the in laws who speak little English not what I'd want for my daughter, so again why not get married after he's finished that, rather get married and be apart for a year.

cory Sun 23-Feb-14 10:43:28

Trying to think how I would handle this one myself, seeing that dc know perfectly well that my own very happy marriage was a result of a teen holiday romance 31 years ago blush. The difference being that I had excellent English and was able to get to know dh through long letters, that I finished my education before I actually moved, and that dh was happy to spend that time saving up for our life together. Basically, that we were that little bit more mature than this couple.

I think what I would say is something along the lines of:

"Yes, I do understand that you are in love and I do believe that love at this age can be serious and forever. However, I do not see why you have to be married straightaway. Marriage is a longterm commitment. If you are both serious enough to be contemplating a commitment that might last for 80 years, then you can wait another two years before you start it. That will help you to plan things properly and give a better chance that things will work out longterm for the two of you.

If he is serious about wanting to support a family here, then he needs to learn better English in that time. If you want to be his wife, and do your bit for your family, then you will be in a much stronger position if you finish school before you move in together. If you want to live with him in Turkey, then you need to learn Turkish.

I will not give my consent for you to marry him or anyone else before you are of age. I love you and I understand you, but I will not put my name on something that I think is not in your best interests at the moment. But if you are still together and working towards a future in two years time, then I will be very happy to give you a nice wedding."

cory Sun 23-Feb-14 10:47:32

cross-posted with bella. I would definitely go some length to promote the idea of a romantic long engagement

as she says, being married isn't going to do her much good if he still has to do his national service; she wouldn't get to be with him anyway

she'd be much better off finishing her education in the uk in the meantime

it all smacks of WW1 hasty marriages to me

the difference being that in those days, young couples had to get married in order to be able to sleep with each other; she already has slept with him, so marriage isn't going to add anything much to that

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