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... to think such knowledge is horrible (OW-themed)

(87 Posts)
NeverTangleWithaTengu Sat 22-Feb-14 20:44:11

Two female friends of old, let's call them Dorian and Tracey. They are also close friends with each other.

Tracey is married, Dorian is single.
Dorian had a year-long affair with Tracey's husband. She told only me (AFAIK). Obviously, I always tried my best to encourage and support her to end it, and I asked her again and again whether she felt she/he should come clean with Tracey to give her an informed choice. Anyway, fast forward a year it is finally over (really, I think), and Tracey still knows nothing. I have been convinced by Dorian that it's really not in Tracey's best interests to know it happened.

I continue to feel horrible for Tracey, and to debate how right it can be for me to know this when she doesn't. But basically I think it is best not to interfere.

But my reasons for this post are basically selfish, because I myself feel I have lost two good friends through this. To my shame, my friendship with Tracey has become ever more distant, because I am a terrible liar/hider of things, so avoid seeing her. My friendship with Dorian (who I was closer to) has also suffered enormously; whilst I've tried my best to be non-judgmental and supportive, I can't seem to get away from thinking about what she did, with so little regard for Tracey.
I have to accept that these friendships can't be the same again, don't I?

MoonRover Sat 22-Feb-14 20:46:08

Are you sure Dorian isn't full of bullshit?

NeverTangleWithaTengu Sat 22-Feb-14 20:48:24

About what, Moon?
I mean, yes, in some ways she clearly is. But about what specifically?

KingR0llo Sat 22-Feb-14 20:50:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

phantomnamechanger Sat 22-Feb-14 20:51:02

are YOU married OP? How would you feel knowing a supposed friend knew your DP had/was cheating on you and did not tell you? and carried on being pals with the OW too, thereby seeming to condone it? if I was the friend cheated on and then found out you had known I would feel just as betrayed by you TBH.

JohnFarleysRuskin Sat 22-Feb-14 20:52:39

Wow, Dorian is a very special kind of nasty.

NeverTangleWithaTengu Sat 22-Feb-14 20:52:49

Yes, you're probably right.
I'm not married but have a long term partner. I would be gutted.

NeverTangleWithaTengu Sat 22-Feb-14 20:53:50

But who the hell am/was I to interfere?

JohnFarleysRuskin Sat 22-Feb-14 20:55:33

How could Dorian do that to "her friend"? Blimey.

NeverTangleWithaTengu Sat 22-Feb-14 20:55:33

Dorian was (and is, I think) really in love with the husband. And distraught. I just sort of pretended she was talking about someone I didn't know so I could encourage and support her ending things. But I probably did the wrong thing, I know.

CoffeeTea103 Sat 22-Feb-14 20:56:01

Anyone with morals like Dorian deserve to be dropped. If it was me, I would have told Tracey and if I lost Dorian as a friend then a person like her would be no big loss.

NeverTangleWithaTengu Sat 22-Feb-14 20:56:54

Yes, John, she is quite something.
But she was in such a state over such an extended period of time that I felt I couldn't not be there for her. Also, while she didn't have anyone to go to, she kept going back to him.

MoonRover Sat 22-Feb-14 20:57:35

Did Dorian really have an affair with Tracy's husband, or is she making it all up?

NeverTangleWithaTengu Sat 22-Feb-14 20:58:30

Moon, I'm really sure it was real. Good question, though.

Nerfmother Sat 22-Feb-14 21:00:19

Has Dorian taken on a managerial role recently, making her feel superior to Tracey?

NeverTangleWithaTengu Sat 22-Feb-14 21:01:14

Do you mean at work, Nerf, or metaphorically...?
Not at work, certainly.

NeverTangleWithaTengu Sat 22-Feb-14 21:01:59

In fact, Tracey is considerably more senior work-wise.

alwaysneedaholiday Sat 22-Feb-14 21:02:32

I think you have lost both friendships really, anyway. I would have to tell Tracy, but would anticipate my relationship not recovering - due to keeping secrets, 'shooting the messenger' etc.

What a situation to be in - I feel for you.

Nerfmother Sat 22-Feb-14 21:02:35

was assuming a reference to a recently returned tv show will back out slowly if this is real

FoxesRevenge Sat 22-Feb-14 21:03:02

I would distance myself from Dorian. If she can do something like that to Tracey she could equally deceitful to you. That's not friendship in my eyes.

I would tell Tracey knowing there is a chance she cuts you off. Think you owe it to her as a true friend.

WooAGhostCat Sat 22-Feb-14 21:03:11

It's a no-win situation. If you tell Tracey nobody will thank you for it and you will lose both friends. Don't tell Tracey and you'll become so distant you'll still lose both friends. sad
What would you get out of telling Tracey really though? Is it just to unburden your own guilt?
Keep quiet and walk away. I'm sorry you have been put in this position.

fideline Sat 22-Feb-14 21:04:11

Are you Sharon? Do you live in Chigwell?

NeverTangleWithaTengu Sat 22-Feb-14 21:04:22

No, Nerf, this is real. I'm a NC'd regular.
I can see why you'd say it, though. It feels like a soap to me.

NorwegianBirdhouse Sat 22-Feb-14 21:05:20

I feel bad for you because you have just tried to be a good person by not upsetting Tracey and trying to get Dorian to put things right yet you now feel like you have let Tracey down and bad that you let Dorian get on with this affair for so long. It's hard to say, but if it is over then perhaps Tracey is best not knowing but you should not punish her further by being distant like she has done something on you. Re Dorian, she is the one to distance yourself from. She should NEVER have told you and put you in this position. And she may show little regard for your relationships.

ageofgrandillusion Sat 22-Feb-14 21:05:55

OP sadly you have colluded in all of this by not telling your friend. For me, you are either friends with somebody or you aren't. If somebody stood and watched while my partner shagged around and didn't tell me, i would de-friend them. What are friends for if they don't look out for each other???

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