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AIBU To beg her to live with us

(19 Posts)
FlockOfTwats Sat 22-Feb-14 17:20:41

My brothers girlfriends Dad is an abuser. History of beating his wife and children including her ( social services got involved over it). Horrible drinker. Controlling, abusive in a number of ways.

When she got pregnant she wanted to stay with us. (we live two hours away from her dad). Her dad drove to my mums house, with his brother and her cousin and locked her in her car and drove away. Her uncle was screaming slag at her and spitting on her.

She escaped and came back to us. She got a house here and was happy.

When she was 36 weeks pregnant she had a slight bleed and hospital treated her. Her dad rang going mad saying it wasn't good enough (?).

Her mum then talked her in to going back to them, but her mum wont have her at her house so she's with her dad a lot sad it was supposed to be for a few weeks but she went and didn't come back. I don't know if she chose this or her dad threatened her because my brother wasn't allowed to stay with her, he stayed at his friends while she was with him. Her and my brother now rent a house near her dad.

He tells her she is an unfit mum - This started because baby (now 9months) Had sticky hands and she wiped them with a wipe. He said she should have bathed him. He threatens to take him and get custody (over my dead body would that happen).

He goes to her house to check my brother isn't there (its my brothers house too, they rent it, both are on the tenancy).

My brother has come back here because she is scared to have my brother in the house.

Her dad has now taken her keys and says she doesn't deserve the house or her baby. So she stays with her dad. She could come here but she cant get her stuff from her house because he has the keys. She doesn't want to call the police and have her family turn against her.

He is just awful, but she believes every word he says, she believes he will get custody of her son. She believes she cant go and get her things until he decides to give her her keys etc.

Now the landlord wants her out and hes said she cant keep her stuff at his. I believe she has to be out by Wednesday.

She is at my mums this weekend and i will hopefully see her tomorrow.

WIBU to beg if i have to, to get her here? My house would be cramped, but we would manage and i have enough money to cover her food and a bit of extra electricity etc,and even baby's things if needs be.

If i can get her to agree my plan is to get someone with a van somehow (i have friends who could possibly help) or if i have to, take an empty car, demand the keys from her dad and call the police if he wont give them to me, take what we can and she can stay here. (or would landlord have a set?)

She says she wants to be up here, she misses being here. I have spoken to my letting agent who are happy to let me know as soon as affordable properties come up for rent etc.

I don't want to leave her and my nephew with that bastard. He has no right to treat her like this.
Sorry its so long.

Do you think this is a good idea?

magimedi Sat 22-Feb-14 17:25:09

How old are they?

You can offer but you can't make them come to you.

Surely your brother should be doing something about this? I'm not being arsey, Flock but it is your brother's girlfriend & child.

FlockOfTwats Sat 22-Feb-14 17:29:59

My brother would happily tell her dad where to go but she begs him not to because she's scared of her dad.

My brother isn't scared of him like she is but she gets in a state if he says hes going to deal with him. They make threats against him all the time (ive witnessed this myself online).

She's 18 and my brother is 22.

If she didn't want to be here i wouldn't ask her to but she says she wants to be up here, she just seems to think her dad has all the control. I want to show her that he doesn't, she's been free of him once she can be again.

I knew when she went back last time this would happen but for once i kept my stupid mouth shut. I knew what they were up to i said i to my mum theyd get in her head.

Her mum knows what her dad is like but still tells her to stay with him.

FlockOfTwats Sat 22-Feb-14 17:31:25

I also think she got pregnant as a way out from her dad.

The pregnancy wasn't an accident. She told me herself she wasn't using any protection because she wanted a baby and to come and be with us up here. I think her dads abuse is the reason she wanted it.

Finola1step Sat 22-Feb-14 17:32:43

You sound lovely flock, you really do. Absolutely spot on to offer her a place of safety. But I do agree with Magi on this one. What is your brother doing to ensure the safety of his own child?

Finola1step Sat 22-Feb-14 17:35:05

Sorry x post. I think you have to appeal to her as a mother. Is this what she wants for her son?

magimedi Sat 22-Feb-14 17:35:34

Have you got a DH, Flock & if so, what is his view? And have you got DCs? You need to think about what this may involve for them & what the vile Dad may do if girlfriend does come & live with you.

It sounds a dreadful situation & I think you are lovely to want to help, but you really do need to think where this involvement could lead you (& your won family) & for how long she would be living with you.

FlockOfTwats Sat 22-Feb-14 17:38:55

Fin - Honestly not a right lot. He keeps saying he will deal with them but she begs him not to because she's scared.

She wont have my brother in the house now because her dad keeps checking!

I don't know if hes done anything else. I think hes hoping him being here will encourage her to leave and come here (she says she wants to she's said it for ages now, she sends me messages on fb saying she misses us and misses living here).

She came last weekend but i didn't see her because DS had an awful vomitting bug and i didn't want to pass it on.

magimedi Sat 22-Feb-14 17:38:58

Can I ask if there is a cultural clash between your brother & GF's family in this?

FamiliesShareGerms Sat 22-Feb-14 17:40:09

Could you point her towards someone neutral like a Women's Aid to help her understand how unhealthy this is both for her and her child?

And I agree you need to get your brother to lead on this. Even if only to reassure her that if for any reason she wasn't able to look after her child he would be the one to get custody (I'm assuming this is what everyone would want to happen)?

FlockOfTwats Sat 22-Feb-14 17:42:56

Magi - DP says she can stay. He only knows about her dad from what ive told him bug agrees the man is vile and no one should live like that.

Her Dad doesn't know where i live. He knows where my mum lives that's it. That's why i think by house instead of my mums would be better (plus mums house isn't really baby proof).

I'm not scared of her dad anyway. He might be able to pick on his daughter but ive dealt with bigger and uglier than him.

magimedi Sat 22-Feb-14 17:45:35

If your DP agrees then I think you would be a wonderful person to take her in, but I do think your brother needs to get involved & help sort a home for them, away from dreadful family.

And I would advise your Mum to dial 999 straight away if the dad comes round threatening her.

FlockOfTwats Sat 22-Feb-14 17:46:24

Magi - Nope, her dad is just awful.

The reason her mum wont have her is a cultural thing though. Her husband is some religion (i don't know what) and apparently it would bring shane on him.

Families - Yes, if she were ever to lose custody (doubtful as she's done nothing wrong) my brother would be the one looking to take him. If for some reason he couldn't me or my mum would (i really cant see them giving custody to someone with her dads record).

Women's aid is a great idea. I have the links to their website on my pc.

FlockOfTwats Sat 22-Feb-14 17:49:25

Magi - The plan is for them to rent a house here. They both want this. Even my brothers ex thinks its a good idea because although its further away from her and his daughter it means more consistent contact - at the minute he doesn't see her much and hasn't had her overnight since they went back there because hes nowhere consistant to stay.

My mum wouldn't even answer the door to him shed just ring the police. The only reason she didn't when he took her before is because she's partially deaf so didn't hear him taking her at first.

Atbeckandcall Sat 22-Feb-14 17:50:13

Doesn't matter that her piece of shit dad has the keys. I would suggest calling a locksmith and paying for a new lock and set of keys, at the very least to gain access to collect the belongings.
That is if she chooses to come with you. It's possible she doesn't realise how happy you would be to have them with you?
You brother really needs to understand that he needs to protect his child too, not just his girlfriend.
I would so my upmost to insist she lived with me too, and then try to get an injunction.
Her father just sounds revolting. And what a lovely person you are btw.

FlockOfTwats Sat 22-Feb-14 17:55:15

Beck - My mum suggested that. I think she's scared of her dad turning up though because he checks randomly to see if my brother is there (and for "signs of him" since brother has no keys now whatever that means).

Atbeckandcall Sat 22-Feb-14 17:57:35

You may be able to get round by having a chat with Women's Aid and from what I gather, they can arrange a PO to be present.

pigsDOfly Sat 22-Feb-14 18:04:35

Flock Just to answer your question re the keys. The LL will have a set. She should be able to get her stuff back by dealing directly with the LL or the LL's agent who will also have a set.

RedFocus Sat 22-Feb-14 18:12:32

Sounds absolutely horrendous and I hope it all works out for the best op. You sound like a very brave woman and I hope your brother is grateful for all your help.

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