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to ask if my daughter can come to the wedding?

(455 Posts)
splasheeny Sat 22-Feb-14 14:46:38

A very good friend is getting married, she was my only bridesmaid when I got married. She has moved away from me and I don't see her very often now, but we do stay in touch. I was hurt she didn't ask me to be bridesmaid, but haven't said anything.

The wedding is on the same weekend ans my dd's birthday, and in the middle of nowhere, some distance from where we live, so it will involve spending the weekend there (plus getting annual leave for travelling, something which I am not sure if will even be granted).

I am already planning my dd's birthday party for the week prior, as even if we were able to get back in time for her birthday, we wouldn't have time to plan a party the same weekend. I also don't know what we would do for childcare, and it feels mean to leave dd for her birthday. It will also cost a lot for hotel, transport, and childcare, which we could afford but would be at the expense of other things.

The wedding is not child free.

Wibu to ask if dd can come? Timing and location of the wedding really make things really difficult. I don't know if its rude to ask, would it be better to no go? I'm tempted to say could she come, she wouldn't even need a chair and can eat off my plate. AIBU?

MrsDavidBowie Sat 22-Feb-14 14:49:01

I wouldn't go tbh. Too much hassle.
Bit cheeky to ask if dd can come...any children going will probably be family.

Bunbaker Sat 22-Feb-14 14:49:16

Not at all. Just explain that you don't want to leave your daughter on her birthday. If I was your friend I would feel mortified that you would be in this position.

BackforGood Sat 22-Feb-14 14:50:55

You have been invited. If you think it will be too difficult for you to go, then reply, declining the invitation.
If she feels that's a real shame, she may ask you why, or it may be you are chatting on the phone or something in the meantime, but then, and only then would be the opportunity to say that you can't get childcare, and that leaves it open to her to invite your dd or not.
It would be very rude to ask if she can go, if not invited.

expatinscotland Sat 22-Feb-14 14:51:13

Don't go to the wedding. Sounds like a hassle. If people chose to have weddings in the middle of nowhere, there will always be those who can't go.

WorraLiberty Sat 22-Feb-14 14:51:54

I suppose you could always phone her and say "Hi, I'm just checking whether the invitation includes DD or not?"

It's a conversation opener long as you respect her answer.

splasheeny Sat 22-Feb-14 14:52:58

So in the brides situation, would people rather your friend didn't come than asking about a solution? Genuinely wondering.

NickNacks Sat 22-Feb-14 14:53:07

How old is your dd?

Incapinka Sat 22-Feb-14 14:53:54

I would phone her and explain that you can't come as it is your daughters birthday and see what she says in response. Out of interest how
Old is your daughter?

splasheeny Sat 22-Feb-14 14:54:01

I already know that dd is not invited.

Supercosy Sat 22-Feb-14 14:54:12

I think I would probably explain the situation as best I could to my friend but not actually ask and see what she says. You have plenty of perfectly reasonable excuses not to go....well not excuses, valid reasons!

Mim78 Sat 22-Feb-14 14:55:33

I think it depends on the personality of the friend hoe exactly you deal with this, but definitely don't feel obliged to go without her.

I would say "sorry I can't come because I can't get childcare and I want to be with dd on her birthday". If she doesn't want dd to come then she won't offer for her to. If it is fine she will offer.

splasheeny Sat 22-Feb-14 14:56:17

Inca she is 3, and will be 4 the weekend of the wedding. So I think she is old enough to behave at a wedding, but too young to be without both her parents for a weekend. (I realize many people do leave children of that age, but its not something I feel personally comfortable with)

Tweasels Sat 22-Feb-14 14:58:08

Would you gave found a solution if she'd asked you to be bridesmaid?

Tweasels Sat 22-Feb-14 14:58:21


cookiemonster5678 Sat 22-Feb-14 14:58:41

You would not be unreasonable to ask in the circumstances, its your daughter not a exactly a stranger. It doesn't hurt to ask! Just explain about it being her birthday etc.

The worst that can happen is that she says no, in which case i personally would politely decline to be with my daughter. Its a good enough reason not to go.

If she says yes, great!

ilovesooty Sat 22-Feb-14 14:59:26

I think you should decline the invitation. It seems rude to ask if your daughter can come as the intention to include her was obviously not there in the first place.

splasheeny Sat 22-Feb-14 15:03:02

Tweasels the same issues would have been there. I would have hoped that families of the wedding party would have been invited if that was the case (is that not ettiquete?)

chunkythighs Sat 22-Feb-14 15:03:49

Not only do I think that the suggestion is unreasonable- I think it's outrageous. It's not your wedding OP. You are not paying for it. You already know your child is not invited- the clue is there. Why would you put your friend under pressure to invite your PFB?

Go, and leave your daughter behind, or decline- either way the world won't stoop turning on it's axis.

diddl Sat 22-Feb-14 15:03:51

I'm unsure tbh.

Rellies of mine asked if they could bring their GS.

I can't remember if they had accepted before they were asked to look after him & didn't want to let the parents down/miss a chance to see him iyswim.

We said yes as it was easily doable to add him.

He was older though, about 10.

chunkythighs Sat 22-Feb-14 15:04:12


hootloop Sat 22-Feb-14 15:06:13

I would also just decline the invitation asking if she can be fitted in makes it awkward for the bride. As there will be a reason she wasn't invited in the first place.

YouAreTalkingRubbish Sat 22-Feb-14 15:07:20

If you ask for your DD to be invited then you could say that you are INSISTING on paying for her. Alternatively, I would just decline the invite.

I think the birthday issue wouldn't not bother me as it sounds like you could arrange things around the wedding if you wanted.

Tweasels Sat 22-Feb-14 15:08:10

I think just reply and say you are gutted you can't attend but you can't find a childcare solution. Combined with it being DD's birthday it would just be impossible. Puts the ball back in her court. If she wants you there, she'll invite DD, if she doesn't then she's not worth you worrying about.

If I knew one of my friends couldn't make my special event unless they brought their child, I'd accommodate them straight away.

squoosh Sat 22-Feb-14 15:08:27

I hardly think it's 'outrageous' to ask. As long as you're happy to accept with good grace if she says no well then I don't see the problem in asking.

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