To not want to be friends with these people again(126 Posts)
Sorry this is probably going to be long!
I fell pregnant in May, just as I finished my A-Levels. I was 18, now 19. I decided to continue with the pregnancy.
In July I went on a girls holiday with a group of my best mates that had been booked since the beginning of the year. I was 12 weeks pregnant, knackered and had horrendous morning sickness but I just wanted to go relax for a week. They all went clubbing, etc on a night. I was exhausted so went back to the hotel room after dinner most nights which wasn't a problem. I didn't expect anyone to go with me, I just went and read my books and slept which was fine by me and I really enjoyed it. Things started to change on the holiday though - people were hardly speaking to me when I made conversation with them and they were ignoring me and leaving me out of conversation on a night during meals. On a couple of mornings when I had particularly bad sickness, one of the girls had a go at me for waking her up by being sick
One afternoon I felt really light headed from being in the heat so went up to the room for a lie down. That night when they thought I was asleep I heard this girl saying to the others how pathetic I was being in regards to 'always being sick and needing to lie down' and that if I carried on being 'pathetic' she was going to hit me. No one stood up for me, I could hear them all agreeing saying how I needed to 'get a grip because I wasn't even that pregnant yet'.
In the airport on the way back home I asked if someone could help me lift my suitcase onto the conveyor belt and I was told to 'stop being pathetic' and I was 'pregnant not disabled'.
after the holiday me and DP moved about 40 minutes away because he got a much better paid job. I kept asking my friends if they'd like to meet up, etc, but no one ever replied. I texted them all on results day to see how people had done, again no one replied. At the end of the summer they all had a get together that I wasn't invited to and on this night I received a text from the 'ringleader' of the group (who had threatened to hit me on holiday, etc) saying that they'd all decided that they had nothing in common with me anymore so could no longer be friends with me. Fair enough, we were going different directions in our lives and I needed to concentrate on my pregnancy and couldn't be bothered with bitchy girls.
Everyone went off to uni, I was working full time and just got on with my life. I never heard from them again.
DS was born a month ago and after he was born all these girls got in touch. I'd long since deleted them off Facebook and they messaged me asking why I'd deleted them, they'd love to meet up and see the baby, if I needed anything I knew where they were.
None of them apologised, and I ignored them all.
Last week in the post I received an apology letter from one of the girls saying she was sorry and that she should have stuck up for me in the summer, and basically that they'd all decided that I was making the wrong decision by keeping my baby so they'd decided not to be friends with me anymore. However, she said she could now see how wrong that was and she hoped we could be friends again.
I really don't want to be friends with these people after the way I was treated, and I'm more than happy just to forget about it all and not speak to them. My life hasn't been ruined in any way, shape or form - I have a beautiful baby, my partner has a good job so the bills are always paid, there's always food on the table and we have money for nice treats, and I have a university place in September. However my mum says that as they took the time to write me messages after DS was born, I should forgive them. The rest of the girls keep messaging me on Facebook asking when they can meet DS. I have no interest in seeing any of them ever again. AIBU not to want to be friends with them and just to ignore them?
YANBU, move on with your life. If you wanted, you could write back to the one who wrote to you and say thanks for the letter, but that you've moved on now and don't want to engage with people who treated you badly, and wish her good luck.
Its still all about them isn't it?
You can write back to say you feel no ill will towards them anymore as your life has moved on. However you feel it will be impossible to be friends after all that has happened and you wish them well.
Do you have new friends with dc? I see them coming round, then dumping you again. Your life sounds good, why invite known trouble back in?
I believe in forgiveness, I think it is always better for you and your mum is right on that. But that isn't the same as being friends with them again. They say they want to see the baby etc well there's nothing stopping them. Tell them they are welcome anytime, just to check with you in advance that you are free. It is up to them to show effort. Really don't inconvenience yourself in any way. But also yes, they acted stupidly but they are also very young and clearly lack your maturity. I believe everyone gets a second chance, but that doesn't mean you are a doormat either!
Congratulations on your new baby!
No I don't think you're being unreasonable, these girls have acted terribly and one thing that shines through in your post is how much more mature you are by miles. Hopefully they have learned a valuable lesson, albeit too late.
So to summarise - fuck 'em!
Being pregnant and sick while on holiday in hot weather is awful!
I had my worst morning sickness while abroad with dc3 and it was so draining
The way they behaved was selfish and childish. Even if they thought you were making the wrong choice if they were genuine friends they would of stuck by you. In my experience something like being the first in your group to settle down and start a family usually shows who your friends actually are!
They sound like a load of utter bitches. Except possibly the one who wrote you a letter - it says a lot that she stuck her neck out to admit she was wrong. You should email the rest of them and tell them to go fuck themselves.
Just ignore them. They've shown their true colours. They probably just want to salve their consciences now and have a cuddle with a cute, iddle baby. No doubt they'd be nasty again when the mood took them. Have you seen the film Muriel's Wedding? Excellent film and your "friends" are just like Muriel's. They decided she was too different ie wasn't a shallow idiot and chucked her out of the group and then when her life got more glamorous they wanted in again. Let them stew. I'm so cross for you Also how much effort does it take to write a couple of messages in Facebook? None at all.
I wouldn't bother with any but the one girl who actually apologised. Even then I'd just exchange emails with her. People like that are not worth it. All they are interested in is seeing the baby, having a photo and using you as gossip fodder.
I was kicked out of a group for friends from college when I was 19, there was bad behaviour on both sides though. I apologised months later purely because I felt bad for my part in it and all I got was them being cunts back to me. Apart from one of them who did what the one girl is doing to you, who said he should have stuck up for me, he regretted not doing so. I stayed in touch with him but ignored the others from then on.
You have moved away so things can never be the same anyway.
I think you should forgive the girl who has apologised and keep in touch with her. You arent ever going to be best mates in the same way anyway? At the risk of pushing the age card she is very young and she made a mistake which she now acknowledges. You are probably more grown up than the others for obvious reasons!
Tell your mum you're not interested in being mates with them again.
I'm amazed she thinks you'll forgive them, threatened with being assaulted,! fuck that.
Ignore your former friends, you've moved on and you're happy.
I think you sound remarkably strong to have been able to get through all that upset and to have literally moved on. You've moved on with your life now, have a lovely DS and DP, a ace at Uni (well done) etc. it's up to you. Do you need friends? Would you be able to trust them?
If no to both questions, then leave things as they are. It'd be really hard to tell them how it is: thank than for their letters/ FB messages, tell them how much they'd hurt you and how you understood their complete ignorance about the fatigue, risks and sickness involved in early pregnancy, and that you now agree to having nothing in common any more / would find it hard to trust them again.
Sometimes, it's best to say nothing at all.
they were very young, as were you, and it sounds like they had no clue whatsoever but now they have matured they are feeling guilty as they start to realise what pregnancy is really like. i am sure at 18 i just thought it was a bunch of cells etc.
personally i would write back and forgive that person - life is too short. you don't have to become friends again, but forgive and move on.
What a bunch of immature idiots. Lady karma should give them a first trimester from hell if they ever get knocked up. Chances are not all of the group were that mean - unless you have disproportionately mean friends. I think if someone has gone as far as apologising and standing up and being counted then perhaps your Mum is right - I believe in second chances. Not third ones though. Congratulations on your baby.
Agree with ConfusedPixie that they probably just want to use me as gossip fodder.
I think I'll email the girl who wrote me the letter but I'll keep it brief. We're certainly not going to be best of friends again - I think I'd find it too awkward now.
The others sound very immature and spiteful (and worse - one threatened to hit you??!). But it does take guts to admit you were wrong, and if you had a decent friendship before it just might be worth giving it another go with the one who wrote to you.
But I agree with the pp above that they should be left to make the running about meeting up - if they are genuine they will try; if not, you haven't really lost anything.
I would respond to all of them in a circular email to be honest saying 'Please stop harassing me. I have no interest in you any of you. I heard you all discussing me whilst we were on holiday, about how pathetic I was and which one of you wanted to hit me. I decided to test you all by asking if you could help me with my luggage and you all failed the test ['pregnant not disabled' if I remember correctly]. I just hope that when you are pregnant with horrendous pain and sickness, your so called 'friends' treat you better than you treated me. Who in their right mind would want to be friends with any of you after that?'
Nynaeve although I agree completely re the difference between forgiveness and being friends, why on earth would op want them anywhere near her ds? They treated her appallingly - why should she leave the door open to them to essentially get what they want now (ie to meet ds)?
It's very easy to go along with a group of girls who are behaving badly. And conversely it's pretty hard to challenge them on crap behaviour, even when it's the right thing to do. So my instinct would be to maintain some contact with the one who has acknowledged their bullying and apologised. But only so far as it suits you - certainly don't open the door to more of the same. They sound ghastly and no loss!
I've made new friends where I live now, and have kept in touch with a few people from sixth form that I see when they're back from university.
I understand that they were young and all that, but really, I'd be horrified if DP got to 18 and was treating people like that.
Sadly age sometimes doesn't have anything to do with it - there are people who are far older who still behave in the same way. It is hoped that, when people get older, they "grow out of it" but this doesn't happen all the time
I think I remember reading a post from you when you were pregnant and being treated like shit by these people. I'm so glad that you have moved on to better things. You are doing the right thing, you owe them nothing
In some of these groups there's one person that is the 'kicking ball' who all the rest are mean to. I would just wonder if that girl who wrote you the email has found that she's been taking your place and wants you back to take the pressure off/gossip about.
I wouldn't contact any of them ever again. They had plenty of chances and if they've found that their group dynamic isn't so great without a victim, then tough.
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