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To want another baby? Pros and cons.

(41 Posts)
JazzyCardi Sat 22-Feb-14 01:56:01

Pros:

I really want one and think I would regret if I don't.
DP would be thrilled if we have another
DS wouldn't be an only child and would have a blood relative once DP and I are gone.

Cons:

I'm 37 so a pregnancy would be high risk.
DP is on medication which could damage a foetus so would require abstinence/flush out prior to conceiving. This would mean him suffering with pain and his condition potentially worsening.
I'm on ADs and would want to come off them before conceiving.
Our home isn't big enough for another child but we have no options for moving at the moment.
DS would prefer a dog hmm

Additional info:

Our relationship isn't great, more friendship than romantic, but we do love each other.

I had a miscarriage when DS (12) was a year old and it put me off trying again. A few years later DP was diagnosed with arthritis and was then retired from his job. We now live on his pension. In order to better our financial/home situation I need to go back to work.

I'm, to be perfectly honest, a bit scared of being tied up with another child until I'm about 60. I know I could cope with a newborn now, but it frightens me to think I might resent having a teenager when I'm in my 50's.

I keep on hearing people say you only regret what you DON'T do and I'm scared that time is running out.

What would you do if you were me?

ahlahktuhflomp Sat 22-Feb-14 02:20:27

I'dd go ahead and live life, charge ahead with gusto and sort the practicalities out afterwards, because we can only have babies for so long and while I can get more money by working, begging, stealing, and while I can plan my days and manage resentment, I can't get a time machine . smile

mum2bubble Sat 22-Feb-14 02:20:39

You raise several cons, but the only one I can respond to is your age. I was 40 when I had my DD. Most of my friends have had their kids in their late 30s early 40s. The oldest being 45. So I don't see your age as a barrier. At all.

LST Sat 22-Feb-14 02:28:01

I think I am on the same drug as your dp. I am only 23 but after having DS my consultant wanted me to go on the drug. I knew that having children whilst on it was a big no no so.. me and dp decided to give it a go for number 2 before I started... I now have a 5 week old ds smile (the pregnancy was horrendous as I was having no meds and my ra didn't go into remission like I naively thought it would. It did with DS1..)

Anyway what I'm saying is go for it op. Though as I understand you have a bit of thinking time as it will require 6 months off the drug for your dh before you try. Is that right?

shakinstevenslovechild Sat 22-Feb-14 02:35:46

Well I can tell you what I think I would do, but it probably isn't what you want to hear.

I wouldn't have another child in your circumstances. Mainly because your dps condition could potentially worsen, which is too much of a risk and could have an effect his parenting of your ds.

Also you say you could cope with a newborn, but could you cope with a newborn and your dp relying on you for everything. If your relationship isn't great just now then having a newborn won't help matters either.

That said, sometimes the head says one thing and in your heart you feel completely differently, and it is easy for me to sit and look objectively at your pro and con list and decide what I think I would do.

Have you discussed this seriously with your dp? What does he think? Have you spoken to a doctor about the realistic potential risks involved? What advice did they give you.

Whatever you decide you will make the right choice for your family flowers

JazzAnnNonMouse Sat 22-Feb-14 02:37:53

Cons you're awake at this sort of time and still have to get up for other child/ren

JazzyCardi Sat 22-Feb-14 02:40:32

LST if ra = rheumatoid arthritis, then yes, we're on the same page smile

DP is on daily leflunimide and a weekly methotrexate injection and fortnightly humira injection. He's 40 now but has had RA (or in his case it's psoriatic arthritis) since 19 and was retired from work at 37. He would love another child and would give up his meds at the drop of a hat, but because it takes such a long time for him to be non-toxic (shite choice of words, I know) I worry that I will have changed my mind by the time we are ready.

Congratulations for the birth of your darling little boy. I can remember back to when DS was that age and although I was tired I still treasure the memories smile

Thanks ahiah and mum2 as well. Good to know that I won't look like an old lady in the playground with (potential) DC2.

JazzyCardi Sat 22-Feb-14 02:50:21

JazzAnn I'm not sure I'm with you. Could you clarify your post for me?

shakin I did discuss this with my GP, a few years ago before DP went on his drugs. He had been advised by his consultant that we should make family planning decisions prior to him commencing. My GP was very negative about us conceiving because I was on ADs, even though I was happy to arrange a reduction plan and come off of them prior to conceiving. I was only 34 then so we decided to leave it and DP went on his meds.

I've moved since then and have a very good GP. DP's consultant is aware that we are considering having another child and has explained the procedure for coming off his meds to conceive a healthy child.

CooEeeEldridge Sat 22-Feb-14 02:53:20

Much better things to do than have a kid IMHO. Thinking you've already made your mind up though...

JazzyCardi Sat 22-Feb-14 03:05:16

My mimd isn't made up though Coo

My number 1 reason for conceiving is that DS has a sibling.

My other reasons are just that I really want another baby and I yearn to be pregnant and buy baby clothes and push a pram around again. I can cope without this though.

But...I would love to travel or have a career, or both.

Baby, travel, career. Which one will I look back on and regret not doing?

I know nobody can answer that for me, but I want to talk it over on here. Maybe I'll unearth something that will help me decide what's right for me.

JazzAnnNonMouse Sat 22-Feb-14 03:18:48

It was a lighthearted post sorry, to clarify: if you have another baby you have to get up with them in the night but still be awake and able for any other children you have during the day - slightly less of an issue if your ds is 12 (my dd1 is 2 and I'm currently feeding dd2 missing sleep!)

There are of course much more serious implications if you personally were to have another child but I think you and your dp are the only only ones who can decide what to do.
I would be uncertain in your position too.
Good luck with whatever you decide thanks

JazzyCardi Sat 22-Feb-14 03:36:48

I'm with you JazzAnn.

DS still needs a bit of help in the morning but not much. Either DP or I get him up and make sure he has his school stuff and then he goes off and we don't hear from him until 4pm when he thunders in.

cupcake78 Sat 22-Feb-14 03:37:01

I had this dilemma for years. I was delaying because if miscarriages, terrible pregnancies, career, mental health etc etc.

Ds is 6 dd is 7 months.

Mentally for me it's been hard but also good. I got pregnant on Ads and stopped them 2 months before dd was born. I have PND but now manage without meds.

Ds adores his little sister. Dh and I are exhausted, more tired than with ds as there is now 2 of them. We have arguments we snap at each other but we still love each other and we'll get through it!

It's your decision but I decided I didn't want to get old and wish I'd had another baby. I had her and love her to bits although I had forgotten how exhausting it is!

It's your choice op.

JazzyCardi Sat 22-Feb-14 03:53:15

Thanks for your post cupcake.

When my nan died last year she talked about her 5 perfect babies. 2 of them were twins who were still born and she had never mentioned them to me before. She told me that she didn't name them but they were a girl and a boy and they were beautiful. She really smiled when she said it.

It has made me think about what might be important to me when I'm dying.

I wish it was as simple as letting nature take it's course. If DP weren't on his meds that's what we would do. I hate having to plan. It gives me so much time to back out and obviously I don't want to risk his health for no reason.

In real life people keep saying that if you think about it too much you'll never be ready, but we don't have the luxury of being spontaneous. The last thing I want is for DP to come off his meds and then I decide that I don't want to go through with it.

Defnotsupergirl Sat 22-Feb-14 04:33:50

I am currently 31 weeks pregnant. I have a disability which is a peripheral neuropathy, it can be and is for me very painful. Due to the pregnancy I have had to come off the strong stuff and just take codeine and paracetamol. I know that the pain aspect of your relationship is your partners but I just thought I'd share. My husband finds it very hard to watch me move at the moment and blames himself for wanting this baby, which is ridiculous. We both wanted it so of course I'm reassuring him all the time. Our relationship is also a best friends first relationship (I think really those are the best TBH, rather than great romances that fizzle out anyway) could your lack of AD meds cope with seeing the effects of no medication on your partner?

jenecho Sat 22-Feb-14 05:43:34

I would be more concerned about the arthritis meds leaving your dp in pain than the ads. I was taking sertraline when i got pregnant with dd2 and the doctor rang the national teratological society who said it was better for me to keep taking it throughout. Now breastfeeding and still on it. They have info sheets for most drugs on their website, think it is uktis if you google.

this might be a very controversial suggestion, but maybe you could try a sperm donor? That way your dp doesn't have to spend months in pain which might sour the whole thing in the end?

Loopytiles Sat 22-Feb-14 06:59:03

If your DS isn't keen, and there will be a 12 year age gap (which can be like being two only children for the DC), they might or might not get on well in later life, so don't think that should sway things either way.

Would the plan be for you to work and him be a SAHD? If so, and you later broke up (you say the relationship isn't good, and are both still young, so one or both might decide you no longer want to settle for it), he would probably get custody of DC2. If being a SAHD or sharing all childcare/do mestic work ( with you working) isn't possible due to his health you'd be working paying a lot in childcare.

Have you listed the pros and cons of NOT having another child? Eg pros: you could return to work (without spending much on childcare) and improve your financial situation.

Thymeout Sat 22-Feb-14 08:04:15

I think, with something as big as having another baby in your circumstances, you have to go with your head rather than your heart. There are a lot of very good reasons why it would not be a good idea. Medical, living conditions, financial. You also say that your relationship with dp 'is not great'.

As far as giving ds a sibling goes, there is a similar age gap between me and my brother. I had very little interest in him during my teenage years. As adults, we still do not have a brother/sister relationship. We are related, but that's about it. Yes, it is a help to have someone else to share the responsibility of ageing parents, but, in practical terms, most of it falls on me, as the older.

You need to be really hard-headed about this, not get misty-eyed about baby clothes and pram-pushing.

juneau Sat 22-Feb-14 08:17:29

My number 1 reason for conceiving is that DS has a sibling.

In that case, I wouldn't do it. He's already 12, so a lot of the enjoyment of having a sibling is already redundant. He and any new baby will be so different in age that he'll never be able to run around playing together with his sibling - by the time the LO is two he'll be 14-15 (best case scenario), and doing his GCSEs. He'll be more like an uncle than a brother. Anyway, you say he'd prefer a dog!

To me, your list of cons is overwhelming. A seriously ill partner who is more like a friend than a husband, depression yourself, which could easily turn into PND, which would be horrendous for all of you, no space, and you're far from committed to the idea. The only one that doesn't alarm me is your age - 37 is a perfectly acceptable age to have a second DC.

SoonToBeSix Sat 22-Feb-14 12:44:48

37 is not high risk , who told you that?

SingMoreWhenYoureWinning Sat 22-Feb-14 12:54:35

When we had/considred ds2 our pro's/con's were like this:

Pro
We REALLY REALLY want another

Cons
Living in a tiny house
Financial pressure
Small age gap so difficult
My job would suffer due to another mat leave
Dh would probably not be able to take 2 weeks off for paternity leave due to the nature of his job
Financial pressure
Financial pressure some more

We did it, and I don't regret it now. The only thing I think is that unless a 'con' is truly, truly preventative...you will get over it. You'll never think 'Oh I wish we'd never had X so that ds1 had more space in his room' for instance. But in ten years you may well think 'I really wish we had'.

Could you maybe concentrate on a few things that would decrease your cons list and then re evaluate in a year? Such as trying to reduce/come off your meds, reorganise and declutter the house so that you don't feel space is an issue etc.

Is sperm donation an option, if it would cause a worsening in your dh's condition to use his own? How important is it to dh that the child is biologically his? (I know that one may be a bit out there but worth considering.

soverylucky Sat 22-Feb-14 12:59:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BobFlemming Sat 22-Feb-14 13:00:59

Why is being 37 "high risk"? High risk of what?

Also what if it's twins?

HappyMummyOfOne Sat 22-Feb-14 13:26:55

Dont have a baby just because you believe your DS needs a sibling. Many dont get on and the age diffence means they are unlikely to be close and the older one may begrudge the baby needing so much time when he needs you for your GCSEs etc.

The relationshp, ad's, pain med and size of house are all big cons and i dont think it sounds ideal tbh.

Wanting a pram and baby clothes doesnt warrant a new baby.

TheAwfulDaughter Sat 22-Feb-14 13:37:59

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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