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I actually know I'm being *completely* unreasonable...

(27 Posts)
EatsCakeForNoReasonWhatsoever Fri 21-Feb-14 16:39:09

...and illogical and irrational to boot. I need a (gentle-ish) talking to, so feel free to call me U, I know that I am, but some ideas for how to stop being would be great.

I've been trying to get upduffed (with DC2) for a good long while now. A couple of weeks ago I had an early miscarriage. So much for my sob back story.

I volunteer with a group that helps out new mums and decided that it would be best to take some time off for a while for a variety of (probably fairly obvious) reasons. One of the women who is also involved has just announced her third pregnancy. I am absolutely filled with dislike for her. I'm having dreams that are so real I wake up wondering if they're memories and they're about her - the last one I dreamt that she was crying to someone that this pregnancy just wasn't as sweet as the last one and she was really upset that it wasn't how she imagined and I woke u shaking with rage.

Wtf is wrong with me that I have focused my negative feelings on this one woman? I mean - why her? And what can I do to stop this? Every time I hear about her, see her, read a FB post I get all choked up on anger and loss and about a hundred other negative emotions.

It doesn't help that I feel like she'd avoiding me. She knows about my situation because she was present when I broke down in tears about it taking so long to conceive and she's part of the voluntary group that I'm taking time off from. I guess I feel like she's avoiding me because she's pregnant and knows I'm not and THAT MAKES ME MORE ANGRY.

I feel like a complete fruitloop - and I don't mean that in a derogatory against people with MH issues way. I actually feel like I'm losing my grip on reality occasionally.

OK. Told you IWBU

MrsMcEnroe Fri 21-Feb-14 16:44:02

I don't think you are being unreasonable and I don't think there's anything wrong with you.

I think everything you're feeling is perfectly understandable, given what you've been through.

I think you just have to give yourself time to come to terms with your miscarriage. It's shit, isn't it? I'm sorry it happened to you.

Finola1step Fri 21-Feb-14 16:46:43

No telling off from me. But I will gently say that you are entitled to grieve. Grief affects us all in so many different ways. Yes, you have fixated on this woman but go easy on yourself. I think it's your brain's way of dealing with your loss. Have you talked this through with your OH. I'm really sorry to hear about your loss. thanks

Ballsballsballs Fri 21-Feb-14 16:47:40

YANBU. I couldn't bear my SIL's pregnancy when we were going through fertility tests. Luckily she lives far enough that I don't see her, but I was so upset that she was upduffed and I wasn't.

Be kind to yourself OP.

EatsCakeForNoReasonWhatsoever Fri 21-Feb-14 16:48:04

I have a bit, but haven't mentioned the irrational hatred. Poor sod has only just finished having his ear bent about the PTSD from my first birth <sigh>

TheListingAttic Fri 21-Feb-14 16:52:39

Breathe? And have some uber-rational buzz phrases to recite, mantra-like, when it all gets a bit much? Don't know what else to suggest in practical terms. Sounds like your brain is trying to help you out by focusing your anguish all in one specific place! You know it's not a rational response, and that's about as much as can be expected when you've been through/are going through what you have/are.

Sorry for your loss. Wish I had something more practical to suggest, but it's not unreasonable to feel upset and angry under the circumstances.

HauntedNoddyCar Fri 21-Feb-14 16:53:22

Anger is one of the stages. It will pass and it is a normal if disproportionate reaction. I guess it's because it looks like she can pop them out at will whereas you're struggling. Which may not be the case of course.

HippoPottyMouth Fri 21-Feb-14 16:54:59

It has only been 2 weeks since your miscarriage, I'm not surprised you feel like this. Far better to be feeling your rage on a (presumably) unknowing other person than your OH.

Tell him how angry you are feeling, but I expect he will just look confused and not know what to say (sweeping generalisation on opposite sex)

Can you unfollow the woman on facebook so you don't see her updates? You don't have to unfriend her (unless you want to!), just unfollow and she won't appear in your news feed.

Take it easy on your self and I hope you start to feel a bit better soon. Very sorry for your loss.

tiredbutstillsmiling Fri 21-Feb-14 16:55:50

It's actually one year to the day I found out (at 11 weeks) that I had a MMC. I was heartbroken and I've even had a good cry today remembering that day.

I didn't have any trouble conceiving but it took me almost a year to conceive again - so many health problems - so I know how you feel your life is on hold & then the thought of waiting yet again.

I also understand the fixation and dislike for your pg friend. I had to seek counselling to get over my feelings of injustice. A day after my ERPC a close friend told me she was expecting twins - on what would have been my EDD. I pretended to be happy but once I got home I broke down. I then saw pg women everywhere. The worst was a woman I was sitting next to in the hairdressers telling her stylist that she was 20 weeks pg and feel pg 2 weeks after a miscarriage. She said it so blasé. That was 6 months after my MC an I was still hurting.

The MC board on talk is fab and I really found counselling helped. I actually had Cognitive Behaviour Therapy which made me change my way of thinking and even after 3 sessions I felt so much happier.

Big hugs - you're grieving, don't be hard on yourself. If you just want a chat/rant/advice feel free to PM me.

DinoSnores Fri 21-Feb-14 17:19:36

It is completely irrational and very, very normal.

I even find myself getting irrationally annoyed with people having uncomplicated pregnancies with no idea of all the things that can go wrong. I, of course, do not want anything to go wrong, but it makes me so sad that we don't have the 'right' number of children we should have (and have a grave to visit instead), we don't have the age gap we wanted, that we've completely lost any innocence and enjoyment about being pregnant.

I hope you have people here or IRL who can listen to your ranting and then give you a big cuddle.

OwlinaTree Fri 21-Feb-14 17:31:21

I guess your grief has fixated on this woman because in a way it's a safe outlet for your grief and upset during this horrible time.

Your rational brain knows it's not this woman's fault, but your emotional brain is using this as a scapegoat for your anger and upset at the moment.

After taking ages to get pg, losing my baby, and seeming to wait for ages to get pg again I really 'hated' one woman I worked with who just seemed to pop them out. I think, like you it was just a direction for my anger. I never said anything to her as I knew it wasn't her fault.

It will pass. I wish you so much luck and hope you are pg again soon.

SauvignonBlanche Fri 21-Feb-14 17:41:35

You are being completely irrational and unreasonable but it's understandable in the circumstances.
I hated my DSis for a short while when she was PG with No3 and I'd had a stillbirth. I only told a priest of my feelings, I was so ashamed, h helped me over it.
It will pass, with time. flowers

PicaK Fri 21-Feb-14 18:19:03

Just to second everyone else. Acting on your thoughts would be unreasonable - overwhelmed with intense emotion pretty much normal.

Perhaps you need a bit more time to talk and discuss how you're feeling. If you're surrounded by the "hey you're young, you can try again, perhaps it's for the best" brigade you may feel like you're being swept along down one path when you actually need to pause and grieve.

Look after yourself. And visit the miscarriage boards cos they can be so helpful.

OMGtwins Fri 21-Feb-14 19:27:08

It's irrational yes, but so normal, as os feeling guilty about it! Give yourself some time, and it will pass.

When we were unsuccessfully TTC and our 2 sets of closest friends announced pregnancies in quick succession I raged in private, didn't want to see them for about a month each time and then when I did I felt like it was an out of body experience and alway cried buckets when we got home.

It got better, and they were only a representation of what we so desperately wanted so it wasn't about them at all, after the fact we did talk about it and they understood, and we're back to normal now.

Hugs to you xx

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Fri 21-Feb-14 20:10:50

I'm so sorry about your mc and your difficulties conceiving.

You are grieving, fiercely grieving. It has to happen: be kind to yourself. Stop judging yourself for feelings that don't come from your rational self but from a place of deep, irrational grief.

This will pass, and in the meantime just keep your distance from her. You've NOTHING to feel ashamed of.

DoJo Fri 21-Feb-14 20:25:39

I'm so sorry for your loss, and don't compound your hurt by worrying about these feelings. It's your body's way of processing the feelings you have and she is a 'safe' target for them as there seems very little chance that you will actually voice them to her, so she can be a mental target for your hurt and anger whilst not damaging the important relationships you need to get you through this.
And it will get easier - I know it might seem like you're cracking up, but the fact that you recognise this means that you are probably just dealing with it in a way that might seem alien to you. If you are worried, perhaps see someone about counselling, but don't feel like a bad person just because you have excess emotions which need an outlet.
Sending you warm thoughts and best wishes.

Adeleh Fri 21-Feb-14 20:28:09

You're grieving. You're not being unreasonable. I'm so sorry- it sounds really hard. Sending thanks and a hug.

EatsCakeForNoReasonWhatsoever Fri 21-Feb-14 20:45:07

It doesn't help that seemingly every bugger I speak to these days is asking about no.2
- are you going to have another?
- this would be a nice age gap
- Is he your only one?
- you'd better get moving if you're going to have another (yes. Really)
etc etc
And every other fucking woman seems to have an enormous bump. Toddler groups are really shitty places to be wanting-to-be-pregnant.

LaGuardia Fri 21-Feb-14 20:48:44

YANBU. I was being driven home from hospital after my first miscarriage and that awful DJ Sara Cox came on the radio announcing her preg. I have hated the bitch ever since.

EatsCakeForNoReasonWhatsoever Fri 21-Feb-14 20:57:30

I know this is a daft place to discuss this when there's a miscarriage board, but since you've all taken the time to post - is it normal to feel 50% despair and loss and 50% like a ridiculous drama queen making a fuss over nothing?
I keep telling myself off - I wasn't that pregnant, I didn't have to have it medically managed, if I hadn't done a test I would have just thought it was a bad late period and maybe I am just making a huge ginormous fuss over nothing much and other people have it far worse.

I'm driving myself round the bend. I feel horrible, but feel stupid and horrible about feeling horrible.

Adeleh Fri 21-Feb-14 21:02:52

Yes - that is normal. It's normal not to know whether you're coming or going. You're not being stupid at all. Stupid would be imagining that things could feel normal this soon. And it's normal to grieve hugely even if the pregnancy wasn't far along. You still loved your baby, and are missing your baby and feeling the loss. I'm so sorry. Try to be gentle with yourself. xx

EatsCakeForNoReasonWhatsoever Fri 21-Feb-14 21:09:17

And is it normal for partners to not really seem personally affected? He's sad that I'm sad, but doesn't seem to feel a loss himself, yet I know he wants another baby.

dietcokeandwine Fri 21-Feb-14 21:14:09

It might be irrational and unreasonable OP but it's entirely understandable. I don't think you sound unhinged at all, just stressed out and grieving and sad.

Secondary infertility is shit. I've been through it, had two miscarriages and years of trying and failing to conceive and I experienced very similar emotions to those you have described. At one point I was the only mum at preschool who had neither bump, baby, younger toddler or older child at school and I hated it. Hated it when random mums I knew a bit fell pregnant, hated that I had to really try to be happy for friends who fell pregnant, and hated it even more when they tried so hard to be sensitive about the fact that they were pregnant and I wasn't. Cried for hours and hours when my SIL fell pregnant with DC2 at the height of it all. What you are feeling is normal.

(FWIW, Kirstie Allsopp was my 'hate' outlet when I was trying. I think she's ace, normally, but can vividly remember reading a quote from her blabbering on about her second pregnancy "So there'll be just two years between them, which is great because it is exactly the age gap we wanted!" envy God I hated her. Hated, hated, hated her. And hated the actress Hermione Norris too because she'd her first child a month before I had mine, and delivered an effortless second the month I should have been delivering mine, except I'd miscarried, and she hadn't).

Grief and pain are irrational. Toddler groups, parks, softplay, birthday parties et al are a living hell when you are trying and failing to conceive DC2. FWIW, I found the easiest answer to anyone asking 'about number 2' is to be brutally honest. I used to take a perverse pleasure in making people squirm, there was a part of me that wanted them to feel guilty as fuck.

(See? I am just as unreasonable and bonkers as you think you're being, and that's even having - eventually, via assisted conception - managed to produce a DC2). Just reading this thread stirs up all those emotions all over again.

The only advice I will give is to be gentle with yourself. Accept that these feelings are normal and understandable, and try and deal with them as best you can. I used to allow myself what I'd call 'bad baby days' where I would just acknowledge that I felt like shit and make sure to do something nice (cake in a coffee shop with DC1, a glass of wine for me in the evening, a new bit of makeup or a new scarf or something) for myself, just to try to take the edge of the shiteness.

Sending you an unmumsnetty hug.

Adeleh Fri 21-Feb-14 21:15:35

Yes - that's normal too. I lost a v early pregnancy, and my DH said that it just never felt real to him. He was v supportive to me, but didn't grieve himself. I think in some ways that's easier. You only have your grief to handle.

dietcokeandwine Fri 21-Feb-14 21:18:29

sorry, cross posted with your subsequent posts OP. Yes my DH never seemed to grieve for the miscarriages in the way I did. Supportive and lovely and sad about them, but not grieving. Like Adele I think this is very normal.

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