to ask whether we were being grabby with our own wedding invites?

[polythenespam]

Having read so many threads on this since getting married, I'm worrying a bit that we did the wrong thing and would appreciate honest replies (hence here in AIBU!)

Ok, so we had a very small family wedding (only 16 guests, all of whom were close family - parents; siblings & partners; aunts & uncles.)

DH and I had only lived together for a year before getting married, and being a bit cash-strapped too there were things we "needed" for our home (well, nobody needs a new set of saucepans or to replace their threadbare towels, but it was more of a traditional setting up home together scenario if you see what I mean.)

However we didn't really like the traditional wedding gift list idea - there always seems to be slightly odd items on them in order to cater for all budgets - so what we did was register a wedding gift card with Debenhams. The idea being that guests can contribute money onto it, and then obviously you can spend as you wish.

We put little information cards about it in with the invites, people were very generous and we were able to buy lots of lovely things for our home.

But I am worried now that we did the wrong thing by a)including info with the invites, and b)by effectively asking for money

Given that it was all close family, were we being grabby?

[Yonineedaminute]

No, it's only on mums net that people are weird about this, probably no one batted an eyelid in rl! Although I do draw the line at bank account details on the wedding invite like the thread yesterday...

However, when you do a gift list, don't you get to choose what goes on it? We didn't do any gift stuff as well only had a teeny weeding, but I did kind of want to go around John Lewis with one of those scanners and zap some salt shakers and gravy boats!

[LaurieFairyCake]

No, in a close family I'm guessing they know and see what lovely household things you spent it on.

We did the same with John Lewis - we needed a fridge and emailed pictures of our nice new fridge to folks afterwards

[Funnyfoot]

I don't think so.

When we married we had lived together for 2 years so had everything we needed. It wasn't a big expensive wedding as we had 2 DC's and little money. We explained to our 27 guests that if they wished to contribute to the wedding then they could but we do not need any of the traditional gifts we would rather they just attended as that was more important.

Everyone chose to contribute from buying the flowers to making the cake. Nobody felt we were grabby and much preferred to give something that was either useful or not duplicated (who needs 2 toasters!)

[SomethingkindaOod]

It's very much an MN thing I think, I don't see much angsting about it in real life!
We asked for argos vouchers to replace the second/third hand stuff we started out with when we moved in together. Everybody knew why we wanted them and were incredibly generous.

[peeveddoesntcoverit]

poly, I was going to ask almost the exact question, I was really worried we'd been grabby as well

We registered with John Lewis (the zappy thing is fun btw) and sent out the little cards with the invitations. We've got a huge range of things on there, with over half being £25 or less.

My fiance's mum said that loads of people had asked her whether there was a gift list before we sent out the invitations, so it was obviously expected.

[Clayhead]

I'm the odd one out here - I think including it with the invites is awful. I know loads of people who do in RL too - maybe I'm just old!!

[Stinklebell]

No, not at all

I personally don't get this ridiculous fuss people make over giving cash. I'm more than happy to stick the equivalent of what ever I'd spend on a gift in an envelope or on a gift card. No traipsing round shops puzzling what the hell to buy and people get what they actually want - win win!

DH and I had lived together for years before we got married so didn't bother with a gift list. People still rang to ask what we wanted so we suggested Debenhams vouchers as we were saving for a new dining table and chairs. No one combusted at the suggestion

[Yonineedaminute]

I don't really see why gift lists, which are usually seen as traditional and acceptable, are any better than gift cards/asking for cash. In fact it's worse in a way because they are very specific!

[gordyslovesheep]

I've also only ever come across people getting offended over wedding lists, requests etc on MN

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest - going to a wedding I expect to give a gift - or money - so it doesn;t bother me to be asked

[ReadyToPopAndFresh]

No, I didn't do it but I am more than happy to give money at a wedding.

Seriously, it's a wedding you aren't "buying a ticket" you are bringing a gift like people have done for hundreds of years. I suppose I could bring some random tat as a gift and then the person can end up with a hundred items that they either don't want or get doubled up on...but what's the fucking point?

I'd much rather not waste my money on something people don't want!

Different fro birthdays etc or lesser event.. I don't like the trend back home of having a gift list for the engagement party, and the batchelorette party and the bloody rehearsal and whatever else they can make up though

[MaidOfStars]

Inclusion with invitations is, in my opinion, the key problem with gift/cash lists. I hate seeing it.

I also don't think this is a Mumsnet thing, having had many real-life discussions etc about it (my extended friendship group are at 'the marrying age').

[MrRected]

Agree with Clayhead.

[HomeIsWhereTheGinIs]

I don't know if it's only a MN thing actually - nobody in my circle would ask for cash or vouchers. So obviously trends are different depending on who you are friends with. However, that said, I think it depends on who you're asking. You only had family so I'm sure they didn't mind. I would make an exception for my dsisters if they asked for cash, as long as it wasn't too brazen.

However, the main point here has to be that life really is too short to worry about other peoples opinions all the time. It's done, people were happy to contribute, so I'd move on. Congratulations on their wedding!

[ReadyToPopAndFresh]

Also a gift list may cover for all incomes..but only at first.. once they get bought up you have to spend more! Cash you can give any amount!

[hazchem]

funnyfoot that sounds lovely. it's the sort of wedding I would like to have. We have too little money at the moment but would love to have something relaxed and fun more like a really great summer BBQ.

[ArsePaste]

The only place where I have ever seen people get arsey about bloody wedding lists is Mumsnet. I do not know why people get such a pole up their arse about it.

You go by what your needs are, and people want to buy gifts to celebrate. Do the MN massif have problems with Christmas lists to Santa, too?

[TwentiethCenturyGirl]

I have never been to a wedding (and I've been to a lot!) without people including a gift list or details of how to contribute to a honeymoon, charity etc with the invitation. Amongst my friends, it has very much been the done thing. However nobody would bat an eyelid if a guest decided to do something different and choose their own off-list gift to buy.

As a previous poster said, I think that I do draw the line at including personal bank details with the invitation - particularly as I went to one wedding that did this and clearly stated that no boxed gifts would be accepted at the reception!

[SinglePringle]

I hate being asked for money. I like choosing a gift I think suits the couple, is special and perhaps is something they wouldn't be able to afford.

That said, I don't mind a wedding list to give inspiration but asking for cash in any form (but especially to go towards a honeymoon) seems incredibly crass and ill mannered to me.

[Yonineedaminute]

But if you don't put the gift list/request of whatever in with the invite, then how do you communicate it with your guests?

We always just give cash anyway as I cannot be arsed to traipse around the shops looking for something, and by the time I get onto the gift list website all the good stuff has already gone.

[littleredsquirrel]

I don't think it is a MN thing to think asking for cash is grabby. I had an awful job persuading DH that it was ok to include a little John Lewis card with our the list number in with invitations (day guests only). I think gift list ok as long as there is lots of cheap stuff around the £25-£30 mark on it (and pretty much expected), gift card is a similar concept so also probably ok (and in any event you only asked family which is completely different).

Asking for cash is crass and grabby IMHO. I still find myself stumping up though even though I'd really like to go out and buy them a silver plastic horseshoe decorated with rosebuds just because they've asked for cash.

But seriously don't worry about it, its been and gone. I'm still annoyed with myself ten years later for the fact that we didn't provide enough food at our evening reception. Too late now though!

[ShoeWhore]

It sounds fine OP.

Have you written the thank you cards yet? You could tell people what you bought with their contribution? That might be a nice touch.

[ReadyToPopAndFresh]

I wonder what the difference is in class/income for those that see it as super crass and horrible.

None of my friends have much money (neither do we) so it seems totally practical.

If my friends were loaded and asked for cash I might feel a bit

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

It was grabby to put the request for money in with your invitations.

[eurochick]

It sounds fine to me, OP. I don't know why MN is odd about wedding lists/requests for contributions. It makes the guests lives much easier. It is pretty rare that someone would want to turn up to a wedding without making some kind of offering. A direction as to what would be most helpful is just useful to the guests.