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to think that family choices should be a joint decision

(12 Posts)
Bearmonkeysmum Thu 20-Feb-14 18:43:33

Apologies in advance if this is long, need some outside perspective.

Dp & I been together nearly 5 years, engaged, 1ds 18mths.

Ds is that age where he is in to everything (normal toddler imo), dp finds it stressful & feels like he is always on edge & worrying that he will hurt himself. We have all appropriate baby proofing. Ds loves to climb on things & empty drawers, cupboards etc, dps response is to get rid of everything ie all furniture, dining table whereas i think it's part of ds development to learn with our guidance what he is not allowed to do.

A few months ago dp & I discussed the possibility of more children (when he is stressed he is very anti this). I have no idea if I would like another child or not, the only thing I know for certain is I'm not ready to say a definite yes or no. We agreed that we wouldn't even think of it for another few years & then see how we feel, how our circumstances are etc, plus we also have other plans at the forefront of our minds, getting married & career progression for dp.

Today dp texts & says I definitely don't want any more little terrors. Now tbh I am hormonal at the minute & it upset me, was in work so couldn't respond or call. The more I've thought about it it's not really the baby issue that upsets me (although I'm aware it may seem like it) it's the feeling of being shut out of decisions that affect our lives, future etc. for context my previous relationship was like this & also abusive (although I didn't realise the extent until we split ifyswikm), I never got a say in anything (literally nothing big or small) & I promised myself that I would never let it happen again. Even though I know dp is not my ex, the thought that I might end up in a solar situation scares & upsets me (dp knows about my past).

Am I wrong to think stuff like how many children we have, how our house is, whether dp pursues a career move in future that would mean he was not around anywhere near as much as he is now should be choices we both discuss/agree?

Sorry, that is really long!

Hawkmoth Thu 20-Feb-14 18:44:45

What a nice man to drop that on you by text.

Bearmonkeysmum Thu 20-Feb-14 18:44:59

*similar not solar, sorry posting on phone

sadbodyblue Thu 20-Feb-14 18:47:59

he got rid of your dining room table and furniture?

he needs to calm right down. your toddler will fall over and get bumped. it's life.

18 months is a bloody dreadful age so maybe when he's a but older and able to chat and reason with your dh will see it's not all doom and gloom.

funny thing to send in a text message though! yes you need to talk but he is entitled to stay at 1 child just as you are not.

DarlingGrace Thu 20-Feb-14 18:50:11

Whether you are married , engaged or other stautus, he has the right to decide whether he wants more children.

that text didnt arrive out of the blue - whats the background

akachan Thu 20-Feb-14 18:50:43

Completely agree texting was a stupid way to tell you but unfortunately how many children to have is not really a joint decision. Neither of you can force the other to have a child so the person favouring the status quo has the veto.

He might come round I suppose, do you think you'd leave him for a chance of a baby with someone else?

redskyatnight Thu 20-Feb-14 18:56:14

If you discussed it a few months ago, it seems bizarre that he would text (of all ways to communicate) that he didn't want any more children now. Are you sure it wasn't a response to a bad day with DS? DH and I will also send each other jokey messages saying "can we send the DC back" and "isn't it lucky we don't have more than 2?" - they are not meant to reflect serious life affecting decisions.

morethanpotatoprints Thu 20-Feb-14 18:58:18

Giving him the benefit of doubt, could he have just been in contact with an obnoxious child and thought no more.
This is something my dh might have said, even maybe text.
We ended up with 3, he adores them all and is a brilliant father.
He too was a bit unrealistic to begin with. I hope your dp settles down to it all soon.

RedToothBrush Thu 20-Feb-14 19:03:30

He was wrong to do it by text. But then you knew he was unhappy and not fully supportive of the idea and you had previously discussed this and said no. He clearly is feeling pressured despite having said no before - so thats probably why he resorted to a text as he doesn't feel its a discussion - its just you heaping on more pressure and being emotional about it. He perhaps feels like you are blackmailing him into it.

The thing is, he does have a right to say "no" and its simply not fair to try for a baby and bring it into the world when it has been made clear that both parents don't want that child.

"No" unfortunately for you, is a option here and one that is very valid. If you respect him and want to be with him, you have to deal with that. You are being unfair to do more. The fact you are bringing your relationship with your ex into the debate in this way is in itself potentially emotionally abusive if you are using it as a way to try and manipulate your current partner. Your previous relationship has NOTHING to do with this discussion.

Bearmonkeysmum Thu 20-Feb-14 19:14:23

Thanks for the replies, I'll try to answer everything

He has not gotten rid of the dining table but he really wants to (& all cupboards, shelves, tv unit, draw & lower kitchen cupboard contents - these have cp locks on)

DarlingGrace-it was out of the blue, the last time we talked was October last (weekend away) he said of course he wanted another & I said I wasn't sure ' we agreed that it wasn't something we needed to put pressure on ourselves to decide right now.

I don't see myself leaving him for someone else to have another child, I don't even know if I want one. Had a scare a month ago & was genuinely scared by the prospect in I do not want this way.

I just feel a bit like my feelings don't count or ds either. The job thing in particular, he really wants to get in to a high stress, fast paced, v time consuming & anti social sector if his trade in the next year or so. I appreciate that he is passionate & want h to be happy but when he's telling everyone this is definitely happening without ever mentioning it to me or considering the effect on us (hours would be v long, v rare weekends off so majority of child care would be down to me & a large part of non school/ work time would just be me & ds as would hardly see him)

Hope that makes sense

Just off to put ds to bed, will be back to answer other stuff later

HenriettaPie Thu 20-Feb-14 19:23:34

Are u sure he wasn't just having a bad day with DS and was saying it in a jokey way? A few days ago DH text me from work (I'm a sahm to our 2 DC) asking how our day was going and I replied- 'put it this way- we will not be having a third baby! confused'

Bearmonkeysmum Thu 20-Feb-14 19:59:42

Redsky, morethan, henrietta, you could be right & it could just be a bad day, we do have a lot on & a fair bit of stress at the minute.

Redtoothbrush, you are of course right that he has the right to say no (as do I) & I'm fully aware of this. He has never said no previously, as I stated in my op we agreed we didn't need to make a decision either way for a few years.

I don't think I am heaping pressure on him as you say, I haven't mentioned it at all, I didn't reply to the text (was busy in work & thought I would get an mn perspective before talking to him & so I could get my head straight). We are not ttc & I would not force or try to force him into that type of situation.

Personally I do think how I was treated in my previous relationship is relevant, it was horrible & still affects me to this day although I am working on that. I am certainly not trying to manipulate my dp with my past, I mentioned it because in my opinion it does relate to how I feel & react to things.

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