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To find early pregnancy very isolating

(45 Posts)
BumpNGrind Thu 20-Feb-14 11:40:37

I've just found out I'm pregnant, i think I'm 7 weeks gone and am waiting desperately until I pass the 12 week mark, and 1, pass a big hurdle in terms if my child's safety and 2, tell people.

At the moment only DH knows, but my usually lovely, supportive husband has been replaced by a moody shrugging man who i don't know. He's told me I'm a diva for feeling tired and blaming my pregnancy, he thinks I'm ridiculous for wanted to go to bed before midnight, shouted at me last night because i didn't want to go to his colleagues leaving drinks, when I'd 'chosen' to work late by attending an event linked to my job and is basically rubbishing my pregnancy saying that I'm going to be a nightmare throughout.

Dh doesn't want me to tell my DM because she has a tendency to blab but also she flies into rages with me frequently because she doesn't think i do enough for her. I go out with her every week but because I don't always go to her house, she screams at me that I never visit.

I've decided to tell DM if she shows any interest in me, if she asks how I am or what I've been doing for example. She hasn't and I feel very lonely.

Our baby is planned, very much wanted and will be adored but the news seems to have changed my usually calm, lovely and supportive DH, and now I feel like I have no-one. Please tell me that I'm not the only one who's felt lonely in early pregnancy.

KatyN Thu 20-Feb-14 11:47:24

I felt SOOO lonely when I was pregnant but I gave up and started telling people. Immeadiate family and my boss at work knew not long after we did.
We thought carefully about who to tell but the 12 week thing seemed a bit daft. If the worst happened and I lost the baby there were several people that I would want to know (to be able to support me). It seemed daft to wait until 12 weeks to tell them when I wanted their support in the early days.

Hope you DH gets it sooN!!!


FrankelInFoal Thu 20-Feb-14 11:49:21

Your "D"H's behaviour is not the normal reaction for an expectant father. You need to have a serious discussion with him and tell him to get himself together. Can you point him the direction of some books/websites that will explain to him just how exhausting early pregnancy can be?

MrsMoon76 Thu 20-Feb-14 11:51:56

I suggest that you deal with your DH before worrying about your DM. He is behaving shockingly and I would not tolerate it. how dare he speak to you this way. I would sit him down and have a talk with him about his behaviour. what will he be like when you have morning sickness/have a sore back/all the other lovely things associated with being pregnant? Or when you are exhausted from the lack of sleep before and after the baby is born. Really, is this someone you want a child with?

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit Thu 20-Feb-14 11:53:21

Not to scare monger but your husband's behavior is setting alarm bells ringing. Pregnancy is a big trigger for controlling and abusive behavior. Perhaps post in relationships, very wise group of posters frequent that board.

Mollydoggerson Thu 20-Feb-14 11:53:39

I think your husband needs to open his eyes. Has he read up on pregnancy at all. The first 12 weeks are very draining. If he were my husband I would tell him to cop on and go and educate himself on how physically draining it is to make a baby.

As for your mother, she sounds like a narccisit and if you tell her you may run the risk of her trying to make your pregnancy all about her. Is she already a granny? If not, I predict a 'I'm going to be a granny!' crisis.

Tell your hubby to f-off and tell him you will be explaining to your child what an a-hole he was to you during your pregnancy. Nothing like a little pregnancy madness to put him back in his box.

purplemurple1 Thu 20-Feb-14 11:54:37

I would find someone to confide in - do you have a close friend or sibling.

Unfortunately a lot of blokes seem to struggle with the early months as there is no bump. Could you read up a bit together or could he talk to another bloke to get his head around what you are going thorough and what your body and hormones are doing so he gets why you are tired and hormonal? He needs to accept that life has now changed foe you both and he needs to be supportive of you esp if he doesn't want you to talk this anyone else.

Pigletin Thu 20-Feb-14 11:54:42

Wow poor you. Your husband is being extremely insensitive. I agree with Frankel that this is not a normal reaction and it's worth sitting down and having a chat with him to understand why he is behaving that way.

While the first weeks of pregnancy can indeed feel a bit isolating as you can't/don't want to share the news yet, it is your husband's behaviour that I think is contributing to a lot of your worries. It might be worth bringing him to one of your anenatal appointments and asking the midwife to have a chat with him about what a woman goes through in pregnancy. I hope things work out for you! thanks

MinesAPintOfTea Thu 20-Feb-14 11:56:53

Your DH isn't being very supportive. My benchmark for telling people was if I would be wanting support from them in the event of a miscarriage. So A few close friends and our parents. Obviously you have to trust them not to gossip too.

I wouldn't tell your DM as part of your difficult relationship games though.

There is nothing "unlucky" about telling people, just that there is quite a high risk you would later have to tell them you have miscarried and a lot of people wouldn't want to announce that widely.

heather1 Thu 20-Feb-14 11:57:01

You poor thing, that's really rough. Is your Dh aware that early pregnancy can be really exhausting? He needs to know this and start taking account of it. I was totally exhausted in both my pregnancies early on. In fact my friend told me to take a pregnancy test with ds1 bec I was yawning so much. And I used to fall asleep at my desk! You rest as much as you need to. Maybe get your Dh a pregnancy book so he can see the stages of pregnancy and possible different symptoms.
He should be treating you like a queen not shouting at you.
Congratulations on your pregnancy,

WooWooOwl Thu 20-Feb-14 11:57:43

It's not the pregnancy that's making you feel isolated, it's your DHs nasty behaviour.

Use the pregnancy boards on here to chat about how pregnancy is affecting you, you do need to have someone to share it with, even if it's just people on the Internet.

Why are you waiting until 12 weeks before telling people? I know some people feel they want to in case the worst happens, but there really isn't any requirement on you to wait to tell if you don't want to. It won't make any difference except that you will be able to share how you're feeling.

MyNameIsKenAdams Thu 20-Feb-14 11:58:18

Tackling dh is step one. He sounds like a bit of a dick tbh

bedouincheek Thu 20-Feb-14 11:59:06

Your husband does sound very odd at the moment, if this was a wanted pregnancy. I wonder if this huge shift in personality is the sudden and perhaps immense fear and realisation that your lives are going to change forever and the huge weight of responsibility this entails. You need to find out as much info as you can and present it to him. There are books for expectant dads which might explain to him how his emotions are ok and how to cope with them (as well as support you - how your symptoms, hormones affect you).
As for your mum, I don't know what to say. Perhaps pick a close friend instead to confide in. Try the pregnancy forum on here for support, or TCOYF (also has lovely, sensitive, supportive ladies).
Good luck hun x

BumpNGrind Thu 20-Feb-14 11:59:08

Any book recommendations would be greatly appreciated because I think hope DH is being like this because he is feeling the pressure of our new roles. It must be that because in the 6 years we've been together he's been my highest strength and is usually so lovely.

i told him he was being horrible this morning, he just retorted with childish arguments which is so unlike him.

Writerwannabe83 Thu 20-Feb-14 12:01:30

When I started reading your post my initial thoughts were, "This man does not want this baby!" so was very surprised when I read it was very much planned and wanted.

Your DH is being an arsehole. My DH was great during my first trimester when I felt shitty, did most of the housework, didn't care that I was usually asleep by 9pm, did midnight runs to 24hr shops when I needed something to help with sickness, picked me up off the bathroom floor when I was crying in a heap because I couldn't take anymore, took on most of the cooking etc. He understood just hoe shit I felt and did what he could to help. We didn't tell anyone until I was about 13 weeks as we wanted to wait until after our 12 week scan and after our NT results were back and we knew baby was fine - I think my family thought I'd disappeared off the face of the planet as I felt so crap I just couldn't face seeing anyone.

You need to speak to your husband, the level of support you will need won't suddenly magically improve at 12 weeks, throughout the whole pregnancy you will have times where you feel low, isolated, stressed, knackered, ill and hopeless and you are going to need your DH to be there for you. I'm 35 weeks tomorrow and I still haven't stopped having weepy moments and needing lots of emotional support from DH as well as his practical support.

I really hope you manage to sort things out thanks

TinyTear Thu 20-Feb-14 12:04:57

midnight? i am also 7w and i go to bed at 9h30!

join the October bus in the ante-natal clubs, you can chat with people in the same stage as you!

i think he is scared. did you just start trying and it was quicker than he thought? did he think he would have a few more months to get used to the idea?

cathpip Thu 20-Feb-14 12:10:08

I have always told both my sisters and a couple of close friends when I found out I was pregnant, their support was invaluable esp as my third pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. Your dh however is being an absolute arsehole, the first trimester is sooo hard. I am 34 weeks pregnant with dc3 which in itself is hard going but at least you have an obvious bump to blame it on, hopefully as soon as your dh sees his baby at the scan he will become more supportive.

BumpNGrind Thu 20-Feb-14 12:13:03

I caught on the second month which was a surprise to both of us but we have had lengthy chats about trying for a baby and he really wanted us to try. He's soft as soap with his nieces and would walk over hot coals for them so I'm sure he'll be a great father.

i know that he adores his parents, they have brought him up very well and he's be devastated if I told his DM about his behaviour, but I don't know what's got into him. When we were trying, I'd come home and fine the whole house clean and things sorted, but its like he's had a personality transplant in the weeks that he's known.

He cant get his head around the fact that i am saying I'm tired because I'm pregnant, when two weeks ago i was just saying I'm tired, and its like he's trying to make me not be tired and achy by wanting me to stay up.

FlipFantasia Thu 20-Feb-14 12:14:42

Please come and join us on the October thread in the antenatal board - tonnes of ladies who will be happy to chat and handhold.

Your DH needs to get his act together pronto! I'm 7+1 and (luckily) am not puking...but I am sleeping more (if I'm awake past 9pm it's an achievement!), am feeling nauseous a lot of the time (lots of dry heaving!) and have gone off most food. Plus all the usual hormones/tears/worry.

This is my third pregnancy and I find the first trimester the worst. But as others have said, you'll need support throughout. Plus someone to share the excitement.

I'd not bother telling your mum until your dh is over whatever mental hurdle he's facing. She sounds like a drama queen and will make it all about her.

whossauhnafuffafwayay Thu 20-Feb-14 12:46:53

All new fathers have a crisis, most manage to keep it to themselves or limit it to going on a severe bender, he will probably get his act together especially once he can share the information and stuff.

It will be different once you can share!

ilovecolinfirth Thu 20-Feb-14 12:51:20

Congratulations on your pregnancy! Your husband's reaction is completely unreasonable, but far more common than a lot of people realise. A lot of men (despite wanting the pregnancy) may experience some form of crisis and they don't know how to deal with it. As Whos said, when others know, it will be a lot easier. Loads of positive thoughts sent to you for the rest of the pregnancy smile

DoJo Thu 20-Feb-14 12:55:24

Have you been trying long? I only ask as my husband went a little catatonic for the first few days after we found out, and it was purely down to shock that we had conceived SO quickly, particularly as I had been pointing out how long it could take and how unlikely it was to happen.
He was, and is, thrilled to be a father, but hadn't really prepared for the reality of it (nor had I really, but I think it's easier when you are the one experiencing symptoms).
That's not to say that my husband was an arse in the same way yours is being, but he did need a little while to adjust his thinking and then went back to being his normal lovely self.
One of my friends experienced a similar thing, and basically said to her husband 'If you're not on board with this I need to know sooner rather than later while there are still options for me to decide what I want' and the realisation that his behaviour had made her wonder about whether she should have an abortion was a huge wake-up call. Obviously I'm not suggesting that you 'threaten' him with a termination, but for her it was a genuine consideration as she thought he might be about to up and leave her and wanted to know before her options were limited by the stage of her pregnancy.
I think you should tell your husband what you have written here - if he knows that you are considering telling your pain-in-the-arse mother just so that you have someone to talk to, then he might get how big a deal it is for you to have his support. At the very least, he should know that his behaviour is making you feel incredibly vulnerable and lonely - perhaps he just needs to snap out of his self-indulgent funk with a few home truths.

happylittlevegemites Thu 20-Feb-14 12:58:11

My husband sort of didn't feel it was real until the baby was born he saw ds on the scan. Also, he was much more pessimistic than me wrt problems pre-twelve weeks.

Anyway, YANVU and he deserves a kick up the arse.

kicksandgiggles Thu 20-Feb-14 13:01:19

Your DH's behaviour is not okay, and I agree with others who have said it doesn't sound like someone who actually wants this baby. Could you show him this thread so he can see how it comes off?

Of course you are exhausted, and you might start to feel quite sick soon too. I am just over 11 weeks and am only now starting to have more energy and feel like a human again. About a month ago, I was in bed before 8 pm on several occasions, and I am normally a night owl.

It sounds like you need some support. If I were you, I would consider telling a few people if you have anyone close whom you wouldn't mind knowing if something went wrong. You shouldn't have to feel so isolated.

steff13 Thu 20-Feb-14 13:10:53

He thinks you're being a diva because you're tired? I suppose he knows exactly what it's like from all of his pregnancies. hmm

It's one thing for the father to not really feel a connection to the baby at this stage, but for him to show such a lack of empathy towards you is quite another. I have three kids, and I loved being pregnant, but the fatigue you're experiencing now is just the beginning of lots of fun pregnancy symptoms. smile He needs to adjust his attitude. You are carrying his child, after all.

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