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To stop my mum seeing my son.

(8 Posts)
RalphLaurenLover Wed 19-Feb-14 22:22:05

I've posted about her before ( www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a1966323-AIBU-to-just-stop-talking-to-her )

Basically it's only got worse. In the end on the 13th I gave her the ultimatum to either start acting like a mother or I'd walk away with son in toe. She delightful informed me she wasn't my mother now I was an adult, and she knew I couldn't survive without her.

The next day was my sisters wedding which I nearly didn't go to due to her. She was under strict instructions to not let her married toy boy boyfriend anywhere near my son or myself. Then throughout the wedding they're there all over each other he wasn't even invited but she couldn't go without him. He continually told me what to do with my son; how to hold him, how to dress him, to let him run around, not to swing him round like that, what to feed him etc. I was in no mood yet she had the delight of telling all of my sisters wedding guest that I was the bitch and was refusing to talk to her because she had a 'boyfriend who is still married with children People where even asking me what had happened and when I told the truth it was completely different to what she had said. It got to the point that people would take my son over to her and him when they all know I didn't want him over there and she'd return him going "mummy doesn't want you near us baby, sorry."

She told me if I stopped her seeing my son she'd take me to court. Knowing that I'd been hospitalised twice due to the stress of going through the court with my sons dad. I told her she could see him 2:30-3:30 the next day, she read it and at 2 the next day told me she hadn't and wasn't going and wanted to see him the next day. I said fine 11:30-12:30 to which she was nearly 10 minutes late to, arrive on her phone and texting so I left before I exploded.

I invited her round to put my son to bed yesterday for 7 (he normally goes at 6) to which she was once again 10 minutes late to. Her friends are now just being rude and acting like I'm 100% out of order.

I've never felt so alone and today It occurred to me that she will continue tell me that my grandpa was her dad and was nothing to do with me, I never made the effort to go see him like she did. (I learned to drive 2 months after he passed away unexpectedly and he lived 20 miles away from us) Whenever she went I did if I could, he'd phone daily and I'd always speak to him! I've never really got over his death and she blames me for taking her on holiday when he died (Nobody knew he was going to die!)

She fell out with my nan and grandpa when she met my dad. She brags about never accepting anything from them during this time as they didn't speak for about 10 years. The only reason they got to talking again was because my nan was dying. The only memory I really remember off my nan is right before she died about 17 years ago.

I just find myself sitting here asking myself why does she get to enjoy all the good years of my son the smiles and laughter when my nan missed out on so much of us growing up because she didn't let us see her. It's just occurred I resent her for the fact that if she wasn't such a bitch and let us see my grandparents we'd have about 3/4 extra years of them together.

My son loves her I find myself thinking she deserves the same treatment and not to see him to she's on deaths door.

I know I'm must probably being unreasonable. I just feel so alone, I wish I could talk to him.

chesterberry Wed 19-Feb-14 23:05:11

Your mother sounds awful I don't think it would be unreasonable to cut contact with her, however I think if that is the decision you come to it needs to be for the right reasons (ie: because having her in your life is causing more harm to you and your son than good) and not just to spite or punish her. I think you need to make sure you are making the right choice for both yourself but also for your son who may question your decision in the future. You say that you resent your mother for not letting you see your grandparents when you were a child. You say your son loves your mother. Yes, if you stop her seeing your son you will be punishing your mother, but you will also be punishing your son by taking away his right to see his grandmother and he may resent this in later life.

I'm certainly not saying that you shouldn't cut contact with your mother if having her in your life is causing you a lot of problems but the decision to stop her from seeing your son should be because it is detrimental to your son (either directly or because it is making you, his mother stressed and unhappy) and not because it will make your mother unhappy. It's not fair to put your son in the middle of all of this and use him as a weapon to get back at your mother.

Perhaps you need to try and step back from the situation when you are less angry with your mother and try and come up with the good and bad things that are resulting from your relationship with your mother, for both you and for your son. If you genuinely find that she is causing you more problems and unhappiness than positives then perhaps going non-contact would be for the best. Alternatively if you are worried about the courts and the effect of not letting your son have a relationship with his grandmother perhaps you could agree on regular but pre-scheduled contact for your mother to have with your son (eg: every Wednesday at 6-7pm and every Sunday at 10am-1pm but at whatever times and frequencies work for you) and say you don't wish to see her outside of those times. Of course that may be easier said than done, I have experience of arranging contact times in this manner with my daughter's paternal grandparents but not with my own parents and granted it may be difficult with your mother especially if she is controlling. I hope you are able to find a solution to this, whatever that may be :thanks:

chesterberry Wed 19-Feb-14 23:05:37

(Sorry, that was meant to be thanks)

rabbitlady Wed 19-Feb-14 23:09:14

you want to use your son as a weapon with which to hurt your mother. that isn't healthy for him or for you.

get some help. go to the gp. get counselling.

its ok to stop seeing your mother - sounds like seeing her doesn't help you at all. you are very stressed about this and need to look after yourself and your son.

RalphLaurenLover Wed 19-Feb-14 23:11:03

He adores her and I couldn't do that to him.

I guess I'd just do anything to have him back and punishing my son isn't going to achieve the impossible I just wished we'd had more time together.

PosyFossilsShoes Wed 19-Feb-14 23:35:02

Your mother sounds toxic. Using your son to manipulate you at the wedding is particularly unpleasant.

If you cut her out it might be good for your sanity, but unfair to your child. If you keep her in his life, you have to cope with her being toxic (and presumably continuing to do the "your mummy's so mean" routine to him, encouraging him to take 'her' side as he gets older).

I wish you the best with whatever you decide. thanks

deakymom Wed 19-Feb-14 23:37:26

he adores her but she is toxic returning him like a package "mummy doesn't want you here" is antagonistic and wrong im sorry you should stop her coming in prove you can cope before you take up a relationship with her

Meerka Thu 20-Feb-14 07:53:12

atilla has some very wise words on toxic grandparents and their apparently ok effect on grandchildren.

There are some desperately sad threads on here now and then from mothers whose children have been in contact with toxic grandparents because they felt the grandparent had the right ... but then the grandparent turned the child against his mother. Too late, by 16, to cut contact then.

Maybe he does adore her, but she's already started on poisoning him against you. Be very careful, ralph

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