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AIBU?

to have a moan about this...

26 replies

bettybigballs · 19/02/2014 20:06

And if IABU, is there anything i can do to get point across and stop this from happening?

I'm fed up with DH not taking care of anything that isn't directly his. Anything that is his directly (mainly to do with his hobby or his tablet) is treated with kid gloves lined with angel tears.

Anything of mine or the families however is treated with a heavy hand. I'm getting fed up with it.

Last night DH cooked, he was using a saute pan that my auntie bought for me for a milestone birthday (sad i know but i love cooking) he was using a sharp knife to move the food around in it during cooking (rather than a spoon / spatula type thing) and tonight i've realised he scratched the shit out of it. This is after i caught him cutting up cardboard boxes with our one really good knife (the scissors are next to the knife in the drawer).

In the last month he's broken the iron by knocking it off the ironing board, a brand new vacuum cleaner as he tipped the box upside down onto the stone floor when he was unpacking it, smashed a porcelain salad bowl I adored, chipped most of our new plates by banging them around and fucked the printer by yanking out a bit of it that doesn't come out.

I know it's only material items but they all mean something to me or are useful to me and I'm fed up of having the same conversation over and over again asking him to be more careful with things. His stock response is that he's in a rush or the item should be studier.

He's ruined countless jumpers / wool dresses etc because 'everything should be ok to wash at 60, it's fine'

I'm so bored of the conversation and it's clearly not being heard.

OP posts:

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Mouthfulofquiz · 19/02/2014 20:09

Moan away - this would drive me bonkers. YANBU in the slightest.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 19/02/2014 20:09

Is he usually this disrespectful of you? Do you actually have any say or opinion on anything? He's lucky he's not married to me, I get a spiteful temper in situations like that. He'd be finding something of his broken every time he broke something of mine.

Think the conversation needs to be ramped up a bit.

CuriosityCola · 19/02/2014 20:10

Yabu, he sounds very selfish. I feel for you, because it's very easy to become the person that moans all the time.

I know it's not the same thing, but I had to have a massive chat with dh about listening. I didn't think he was being a good listener. He said he listened when it was important. Exactly! He listened to what he thought was important, not what I thought was important. Once he realised this he was really .

Your dh is basically doing the same thing with your possessions. It's a lack of respect. Have you broached it from this angle, rather than just nagging him like a toddler?

CuriosityCola · 19/02/2014 20:10

*YaNbu

Mouthfulofquiz · 19/02/2014 20:11

I agree - its very disrespectful to bit consider that other people care for certain items the way he cares for his own items.

DoJo · 19/02/2014 20:12

It sounds infuriating! Could you maybe treat his belongings in the same way? Or, depending on your financial arrangements, could you insist that he sets up a savings account from his disposable income which can be used to pay for replacements.
I know that's not really the point, but perhaps if he is made to feel some consequences of his actions then he might be a bit more considerate.

Mouthfulofquiz · 19/02/2014 20:13

NOT not bit!
My DH used to regularly knock my coat onto the floor while getting his own out and just leave it there - hadn't noticed! So I kept asking him to come back and pick it up in a non passive aggressive way and it worked.

expatinscotland · 19/02/2014 20:13

How disrespectful.

CuriosityCola · 19/02/2014 20:15

Dojo That's a good point about replacing the items.

I have irrational rage on the ops behalf. Scratching pans due to laziness is one of my biggest peeves.

DameFanny · 19/02/2014 20:17

Only sheets and towels get washed at 60 here - DH knows the drill.

However, when he put a dress and 3 pairs of tights in the tumble dryer I took his credit card, went online and replaced them - in front of him.

He hasn't done it again. Make the pain his.

MsVestibule · 19/02/2014 20:17

This would drive me MENTAL. If he was generally cack handed, fair enough, but he just doesn't care enough to make an effort with something that doesn't belong to him. I would be sorely tempted to put a little scratch on his tablet every time he damaged something of mine, but I couldn't actually do it!

bettybigballs · 19/02/2014 20:20

That's made me think, i hadn't actually considered it as disrespectful before more of a gung ho character trait but you're spot on.

I am quite tempted by the reciprocal breakage ilovemydog!

Curiosity you've hit the nail on the head there, i am so fed up of nagging about this and i suspect he's stopped hearing the message as in his mind all of these things can be replaced quickly so the problem can be 'fixed'.

He's genuinely an amazing partner in lots of other ways, perhaps he doesn't see that this is important to me. I think i need to sit him down and have a proper chat rather than moaning about the individual instances. How did you branch you're convo?

OP posts:

bettybigballs · 19/02/2014 20:22

hummm, i've been too paranoid about being a nag haven't I.

He'll be in soon, I'll be putting a new pan and knife on his credit card.

Thanks for this, really appreciate the perspective.

OP posts:

badgerknowsbest · 19/02/2014 20:23

Yanbu my dp is exactly the same, he breaks things and cuts corners so he ends up damaging thing. To me it is a massive lack of respect, the items may not mean anything to him but they do to you.

I would seriously consider "accidentally" damaging something of his and see how he likes being told that it should be sturdier...

LizzieVereker · 19/02/2014 20:24

"Kid gloves lined with angel tears" That's brilliant, OP, I'm going to be using that...

Oh, and YANBU. Especially about the Hoover. Fool. Him not you.

PigeonPie · 19/02/2014 20:26

OP YADNBU. I think that DameFanny's suggestion of taking your H's credit card and replacing some of the things in front of him would be a good way of starting to get through to him.

I would be livid if my DH did this.

CuriosityCola · 19/02/2014 20:27

We had loads of nagging and numerous conversations.

It was the one where he thought he was in the right as usual and replied that he listened when it was important. I told him that as a SAHM with two toddlers he was my main person to chat to and confide in. To have him not listen to me meant that I had no-one.

So in short, rather than my usual fiery self I rolled out a big emotional speech I also might have mentioned that he was being selfish and arrogant.

bettybigballs · 19/02/2014 20:31

Sounds like you went large curiosity i think i'm going to follow your example. (after i've bought new stuff though, natch :) )

OP posts:

BirthdayMuppet · 19/02/2014 20:31

I would be really, really, really, fucking ragingly cross if my dh did this to me. Really. If you don't have fully shared finances and you know his credit card info then definitely replace your things at his expense. And spiteful as it may seem, I'd be seriously considering breaking his things too. I honestly would, because he's treating you like shit. Would he treat his mother's things that way? No? Then why is it okay to treat you that way, hmm?

CuriosityCola · 19/02/2014 20:34

Sure did Make sure you update us on your successful shopping and putting him in his place.

FryOneFatManic · 19/02/2014 20:35

I know someone who was in this same situation.

She decided enough was enough, got one of his precious items and smashed the rolling pin down on it. In front of him. Then handed it back to him with the statement that she had treated his possessions with the same respect he showed to her possessions.

It never happened again.

Not sure I could quite go that far, myself. But then, DP doesn't do this.

bettybigballs · 19/02/2014 20:40

wwoooahhhh fryOne she was really pent up!

I need to get him to listen to me. I hope that if he realises how fucked off I am with the cumulative situation he'll sort himself out.

I'll give a conversation a go and discuss the breakages as a whole and if that doesn't work then tablet might be coming to a sticky end.

OP posts:

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mumminio · 19/02/2014 20:50

I am dealing with this too...I got 2 beautiful frying pans and every time my husband uses them, they get scratched because he keeps using metal implements. UUURGH!! I nagged him for a couple of months, but nothing changed and he said he was just helping by doing some cooking. Next time he does it, I'm ordering more online!

FryOneFatManic · 19/02/2014 20:54

I have switched to using silicone implements now, simply because I want red implements

Side effect is that they are pan friendly, should DP ever decide to be "helpful" in cooking.

mumminio · 19/02/2014 21:04

Excellent, I get to choose between new pans or new implements :) This is the best thread ever!

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