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To not want to give away/lend my childhood toys?

(35 Posts)
falulahthecat Wed 19-Feb-14 17:09:45

So, the other thread about giving away/lending baby stuff has made me wonder about a similar situation.

I had saved a box of my most favourite/precious toys and chucked all the others away/given them to charity when I moved out of home, with the express intention of keeping them for my future children.

DM instead 'gives' them all to my DN as much older DS had sprogs first, when she is still too little to look after them properly and keeps breaking stuff etc.
Mum's position is "I originally paid for it therefore it's not yours" < In fact she did this with lots of things, even books or DVDs I'd been given as Christmas presents she told me I had to leave at hers! I also used to regularly get "This is your present but it's for everyone to use really." hmm

I suppose you could say if I left them there (in storage in the shed) it's my own fault, but she's also asked me to bring back books etc I took with me that are now also getting ruined.

She also threw away the one stuffed toy I absolutely loved from age 4 up, and now tries to deny it/blame it on DF. and refuses to let me have the Piano I got for Birthday+/christmas when I was 10 (sounds extravagant but it was £100 from an old man nearby) because it'll make her dining room look bare.

I've always just thought, ok, I didn't buy it, so I guess it's hers.
AIBU to get annoyed by this though?

Chattymummyhere Wed 19-Feb-14 17:13:44

Mil does this it drives me and dh bonkers.. Even before any dgc "this has to stay as it was a family thing" nope it was a present at some point which you all decided you like now it has to stay, just like dh's Lego.

I give up and decided sod it and I just won't send the children with any toys then she can get her fill, however mil does make the children look after thing.

Sorry no help

rumbleinthrjungle Wed 19-Feb-14 17:14:49

Every sympathy, it doesn't feel nice. I was the child of a teacher and all my toys ended up in her classroom! What really used to tick me off was giving me something as a gift when actually it was bought to use as a teaching resource for other kids and would vanish a few weeks later!

<Bitter and twisted> grin

LackingEnergy Wed 19-Feb-14 17:17:01

She is being so very unreasonable. I've always been told that if you buy someone a gift it is theirs to do with as they wish not for you to take back and give away as you please.

I had no end of childhood toys and books stored at my parents. When ds was old enough my parents brought them round for him and we reminisced about the adventures I had with them.

MarysDressSways Wed 19-Feb-14 17:22:38

I would squirrel these things away and keep them and then deny all knowledge of their location!

Probably wouldn't work with the piano...

falulahthecat Wed 19-Feb-14 17:28:24

I would squirrel these things away and keep them and then deny all knowledge of their location!

I do now! I have a shelf of childhood books hidden behind other books!

But no, the Piano will just have to be a general wearing down/hoping they move house. Most annoying thing is that I got really rusty and could proba barely play properly now anyways, sad

rumbleinthrjungle I think that sounds worse :/

Oh good, already feeling better, I thought I was being petty!

falulahthecat Wed 19-Feb-14 17:29:25

proba barely play properly
Bit of a tongue twister!

falulahthecat Wed 19-Feb-14 17:31:33

I remember reading that fable about the 'Indian Giver' when I was little and thinking it was just like her.
I think what made it obvious to me it wasn't 'the norm' is that DP and BIL's parents kept their rooms practically as shrines when they left home...

WhereYouLeftIt Wed 19-Feb-14 17:36:13

" I also used to regularly get "This is your present but it's for everyone to use really.""
This is just not normal behaviour.

OP, you presumably no longer live with your mother? Just collect all your stuff from her house and keep it at yours. She has no right to them, nor to ask you to bring back things that are yours <graps for smelling salts at the idea of ruined books>.

YANBU to be annoyed with your mother, she is being weird. Once you give someone a present it is theirs, to do with as they wish. Rid yourself of this notion that since you didn't pay for an item (because it was a present) that it belongs to the person who paid for it. No, it doesn't. It is the property of the person to whom it was presented - YOU.

Get the rest of your stuff out of her grasping mitts pronto. And yes, get that piano with the help of a (burly and aggressive-looking if you can find one) Man&Van.

Your mother has some very strange ideas about property and ownership (and probably about a lot of other things, I'd expect).

londonrach Wed 19-Feb-14 17:36:47

My dm does that too but in her defence and my sister she doesnt know which toys belong to which and my lovely sister keeps rescuing mine and putting them away for me before her children get hold of them. It hurts but last time i went back i did end up giving alot away and after 20 years some mean nothing. I have the one priceless childhood toy with me (1980s andrex puppy) and he still loved by both me and my husband as a sleep aid.

falulahthecat Wed 19-Feb-14 17:45:51

<graps for smelling salts at the idea of ruined books>.
I know. I'm the sort of person that rties not to bend the spine when it comes to books (pretty much the only thing I'm 'anal' about).

(and probably about a lot of other things, I'd expect).
This is the other problem. I think, when I live further away not a few miles I will just go and get it if she can't be talked round. DS is on-side on this one though so may be able to wear her down on that one, (and DP is Burly, not sure he can do the aggressive) but generally she is very controlling and a little... confrontational.. hmm

That's so sweet! smile

Do you know what's a bit sad, is that the cuddly toy I mentioned was a penguin that had a little Mac. I still have the Mac because she missed it when helpfully 'clearing out' my room, not sure why I kept it :/

Scrounger Wed 19-Feb-14 17:57:37

How would your DM feel if you took back her Christmas / Birthday present from you because you bought it?

Our DC are now getting some of DPs toys and books and it is lovely seeing them play with them, although DP is grumbling that they survived 40 years with him and no time with the DC.

Phalenopsis Wed 19-Feb-14 17:59:39

Mum's position is "I originally paid for it therefore it's not yours"

Oh that's nasty. Really nasty and spiteful. I have a bear from when I was a kid and of course it's mine.

I suppose you could say if I left them there (in storage in the shed) it's my own fault

My mother by contrast would have phoned me and asked me if I wanted the stuff and if not she'd get rid of it. She wouldn't assume.

Destroying things which have sentimental value to another person is a really controlling, abusive thing to do. I know 'abusive' is an oft used word on here but this really is. Is she always like this?

tallulah Wed 19-Feb-14 17:59:55

I don't have a sister but your DM sounds exactly like mine sad. I get that "I originally paid for it therefore it's not yours" too.

I do wonder whether it's her attitude that has caused me to be such a hoarder. I can't get rid of anything.

Thinking about it, last Xmas my DS gave me a bottle of wine as a present (heaven knows why as we already have loads and we don't drink). Dinner time comes and DM says "are we having that?" gesturing to my wine, then gets in a strop when I say no!

londonrach Wed 19-Feb-14 18:01:35

Said dog is never cross with dh and will ' talk' to dh no what what, and ive since been told having him is a marriage aid. Only problem i have with him is husband nicks him every night to cuddle and i have to find ways of getting him back. Causes alot of laughter. Im sure thats grounds for divorce (joking)... Now that sounds sad. (looks for white coats....).

TeacupDrama Wed 19-Feb-14 18:09:32

my mother kept our stuff from when we were kids but once we had our own property she did say we needed to take them as they would not store them for ever, she kept one sisters stuff a bit longer as had a house share in central London

some of my toys were mine and I have kept them other things like clothes, books and some toys were passed down to younger siblings so I can't claim them all as mine they could not afford to buy 3 of everything so when i outgrew my trike my sister had it even though originally mine however she would not have given my teddy to a niece unless I had left it there ad infinitum

I think as you have house of your own she may putting the best spin on it think you did not want them and I can see that though piano given to you initially it could be seen as family gift as you would ever have got a second for your DB

however her comment that as she bought them initially she can give them away is just mean for special presents and things but totally reasonable for say your dresses you wore age 3 to pass them down even if they were gifts

I would collect anything else of yours very quickly

falulahthecat Wed 19-Feb-14 18:10:21

I do wonder whether it's her attitude that has caused me to be such a hoarder. I can't get rid of anything.

You just switched a light bulb on for me there. DP has to nag me to throw away newspapers I haven't got round to reading.

Is she always like this?
This is probably one of the tings she does that bothers me the least. hmm

I'm well aware of the other issues with her, it's not just me who notices those, it just seems to be only me that gets this, I always assumed it was because I was the youngest my things 'defaulted' to the next generation, whether they were my DCs or not.

I'm finding it reassuring that apparently IANBU.

treas Wed 19-Feb-14 18:10:46

Have you ever tried walking our of your mother's with a present you bought for her with a cheery "Oh this would be perfect on my table at home so I'm taking it on"? Before explaining well of course I should have it as I bought it.

falulahthecat Wed 19-Feb-14 18:11:26

I can see that though piano given to you initially it could be seen as family gift as you would ever have got a second for your DB

whose DB? I have 2 DS's both a lot older. I am the only one in close and extended family who plays. smile

falulahthecat Wed 19-Feb-14 18:11:57


I have dreamed of it. I will one day.

peggyundercrackers Wed 19-Feb-14 18:12:17

I think if someone said to me "I paid for it it's not yours" I would need to say "you gave it away away as a gift to me so it IS mine..." If she asks you to take things back just say you don't have them, I certainly, wouldn't be doing that. If I was really riled I think I would tell them to stick it up their arse and not go back, couldn't be doing with that kind of nonsense!

falulahthecat Wed 19-Feb-14 18:12:25

You and your DP sound as nauseating as me and mine grin

HSMMaCM Wed 19-Feb-14 18:35:51

Does she have anything at her house that you have her as a gift? You could take it back, because you paid for it?

But in reality, you should grit your teeth, rise above this petty behaviour, hide your precious belongings and collect the piano in the dead of night

MintyChops Wed 19-Feb-14 18:49:19

God that must be maddening! Obviously YANBU, your mum is very, very odd.

VodkaJelly Wed 19-Feb-14 18:59:00

That reminds me of DP, many years ago when he was about 16 his parents paid for Sky Tv for him for his birthday. He wasnt allowed the box or remote - that had to stay in the living room - and he wasnt allowed to choose the channel when the parents were home.

When he left home 2 years later he wasnt allowed to take it with him. So it wasnt really a gift at all, rather a home purchase pretending to be a present.

My parents gave all my stuff I left behind when I moved to my SIL or nephew without asking me. My bike, an electronic organ, my TV, and loads of other stuff that I would have collected in time. (lived a long way away). Wasnt happy about it.

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