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To feel angry (yes another mil one) about this

(27 Posts)
Bluethirsty Wed 19-Feb-14 14:58:22

Short story, my pil split up about seven years ago when my mil found out he was having an affair. It was a real shock to my dh and myself. My fil is a lovely gentle man and my mil although loving is overbearing and expects to always dictate how things should be. She never had a good word to say about my fil and we think had been having an emotional affair with a woman for a few years. However we supported my mil and have seen loads more of her than my fil over the years. Out of respect and the fact that my fil never asked we have never met the ow.

However my fil is 75yrs old and having an operation in the next few months so we decided that we really should meet his partner rather than for example for the first time in the hospital or worse when organising a funeral. We therefore have now met her twice.

I have just received a text from mil woman friend telling me that mil is distraught and thinks that our children will love the other woman more. She claims that mil knows nothing of the text which was very long.

So Aibu to think this is ridiculous. We have been respectful of mil feelings all these years and if we had met her in the first few years could understand it more. If I split from my dh I'm sure she wouldn't think it reasonable for her and my children to not meet his partner ever regardless of whether she was the oh.

I am also baffled as to why she has text me and not my dh.

I have forwarded the message but we have to decide what to text back if anything, help! Should we bend to her will and go back to never seeing fil with his partner?

FoxesRevenge Wed 19-Feb-14 15:03:24

No, I don't think you should back down from seeing the OW. Ok, so what he did to her in the past was rotten but both of them have new partners, life goes on. You shouldn't be caught in the crossfire for their failed relationship, regardless of whose fault it was.

Nancy66 Wed 19-Feb-14 15:06:14

I think your MIL is over reacting.
I would just send a one line 'Ok, thanks for passing this on' text back to the sender.
Then take it up with your MIL explaining your reasons. If she still can't handle it then, frankly, that's her problem and not yours.

BlackDaisies Wed 19-Feb-14 15:06:32

I would be tempted to make my reply passive aggressive and along the lines of "sorry to hear this situation has become so stressful for you. I'm sure that you are reassuring MIL her anxieties are unfounded. I know it's a worry that she is still finding this difficult after 7 years. Please don't worry, we see her as much as we always do, and if we think she is finding things difficult to cope with we will make sure she gets the right support" or something like that!

DarlingGrace Wed 19-Feb-14 15:08:53

I wouldn't text back to your MILs friend who sent the text. Obviously MIL is behind it, otherwise how would she have your number.

Really it is for your DH to sort his parents out.

It's all emotional black mail. What yours and DHs relationship is with his father and his new partner is absolutely NONE of your MILs business ..... and who told her you were seeing FIL and new partner?

Incidentally, seven years, she is his partner not OW.

Pimpf Wed 19-Feb-14 15:09:27

I would text back, this has nothing to do with you and then speak to your mil about it

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 19-Feb-14 15:13:17

So you basically blame your MIL for her husband's affair and think she deserved it?


No wonder she is worried about her grandchildren spending more time with this woman.

Bowlersarm Wed 19-Feb-14 15:16:57

I think you should see your fil and his partner.

However, that doesn't stop the fact that your mil is worried about it. Maybe she feels she'll be displaced.

See fil/partner, but be clear to your mil that you also still love and care about her. And that won't change.

Bluethirsty Wed 19-Feb-14 15:18:59

Thank you for All the replies they are very useful for when I discuss with my dh (may not mention. Posted on here as he would probably not be happy)

Sorry yes we don't think of her as ow and do refer to her as partner now, I think I was projecting what my mil was saying.

I was thinking of a reply like blackdaisies as I do think that as a friend she should have calmed mil down and tried to get her to see reason rather than text me.

Will talk to dh tonight and decide what to do. Worse thing is we are going up to see mil on Friday and I really don't feel like going now. If we ignore it it will be awkward but if we discuss it then she will use tears to get her own way. Plus she's 'meant' to not know about the text. Aaah

Onesleeptillwembley Wed 19-Feb-14 15:20:42

If it's aupposedly from the friend then id text back and say that it is family business and nothing to do with her, and very peculiar behaviour for her to text you. And not to involve herself or yourself in private matters that absolutely do not concern her.
Ok, this nay flush mil out, but at least you can give her your reasons rather than some bizarre pubescent go between.

Bluethirsty Wed 19-Feb-14 15:21:09

It's been seven years, we see my mil tons more than fil and this won't change. She's hardly going to be displaced!

Bluethirsty Wed 19-Feb-14 15:23:47

The other thing I should say is that my children are not toddlers they are 14 and 10 so not of an age where they are likely to get overly attached to a new woman they will barely see.

If they were babies then. I think I could see her pov more as they would maybe think of his partner as a grandparent but that will not happen.

Bowlersarm Wed 19-Feb-14 15:25:37

That's the point. How does she know she won't be displaced now you are (possibly) seeing fil and partner? She probably feels you'll start to see a lot more of them, especially if she knows you find her 'overbearing'.

You just need to assure her that it doesn't change your affection for her (although tbh you aren't coming across as having much affection for her?)

Bowlersarm Wed 19-Feb-14 15:26:18

Xpost with your last post

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 19-Feb-14 15:29:14

Whether MIL actually co-wrote the text or not, the idea of sending it to you was possibly some idea of a "Woman to woman" communication. Perhaps she/they thought you'd be more sympathetic? Maybe she/they thought it would put undue pressure on your DH to contact him directly when he will be worried about his father's health?

The theme of the text may have been, 'don't let me lose contact with the GDCs' but underlying it is 'don't let DS be won over by his father's partner'. Your own parents might never be in this position, if they were, would you just dismiss your mother's fears as ridiculous or would you try and keep the peace and let her know whatever happens, you're still there for her?

Of course DH is free to make up his own mind, as are you. Seven years is a long time and you might hope that by now everyone could be very accepting of what has happened, but alas MIL isn't.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Wed 19-Feb-14 15:31:43

I think I'd be most annoyed that I was the one texted and not your DH!

Because - I'd lay a pound to a penny she wouldn't text your DH.

It's women's stuff isn't it? She'd baulk at texting your DH, would see it as impertinent maybe... but you're fair game to moan at and have expectations of, even though this woman isn't part of your family and you owe her nothing.

It's faintly disrespectful that you're the one expected to do the sorting.

So I'd text back with -'Hello x, sorry, did you mean to send this text to DH, because it's Blue here. Shall I just forward your text to him, or do you have his number already?'

And leave it at that.

Bluethirsty Wed 19-Feb-14 15:31:57

We really won't see him any more than we do now as we haven't got time.

The annoying thing is that before my dh decided that we should meet her I said to him he needed to talk to his mum and make sure she was understood his reasons etc. He said he did but I'm not so sure now.

My mil is a tricky character and has upset me over the years so maybe it does come across that I have a problem with her. In my defence I am always lovely to her when I see her and tbh she had mellowed a lot over the years and is easier to get on with. I have always seen as much of her and included her in the same way as my own parents.

Bluethirsty Wed 19-Feb-14 15:37:25

So can I just ask, and I mean this genuinely, to the people who think Aibu.

Do you think that we should backtrack and say we will not have anything to do with fil partner before/after his op?

Maybe you will say we should not have met her in the first place but he is getting older and as I have said we didn't want the first time we met to be at his funeral arrangements.

The stranger thing is that fil and mil are very friendly ie come down together for birthday, give each other presents. It's all bizarre to me!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 19-Feb-14 15:39:55

The annoying thing is that before my dh decided that we should meet her I said to him he needed to talk to his mum and make sure she was understood his reasons etc

That sounded foolproof and should have worked.

Bowlersarm Wed 19-Feb-14 15:40:11

Then I think you just have to be frank with her. Your committal to her (mil) won't change, but it has now been 7 years of separation between them, and the time has come when you want to be able to meet up with your fil and his partner.

I think I'd either not text back the friend, or a very short text outlining just that.

Bluethirsty Wed 19-Feb-14 15:44:28

Donkey you would think so wouldn't you, maybe I should have been the one to talk to her originally but I think he is her son and it was his decision.

wannaBe Wed 19-Feb-14 15:56:14

It's been seven years, whether the mil likes it or not if you plan to have a relationship with fil's dp or even if you planned to have the children call her granny is frankly none of her business. Your relationship with her is what it is, I wouldn't even engage on the subject.

Bluethirsty Wed 19-Feb-14 16:14:09

Wannabe, see that is what annoys me, she knows we would never let them call her granny out of respect for her. We have, I think bent over backwards to make sure she is the centre of dh side of the family but she will never be satisfied. At Christmas every year fil comes down on Christmas Eve for the day and goes back. Mil comes down Christmas morning and stays until the day or two after Boxing Day, It has never been considered for them to take it in turns and that won't change.

We are not replacing her and she has no reason to think we are. As I said before if dh had an affair then I have no doubt that my mil and children would be meeting my dh partner, I wouldn't like it of course but I would accept it and I really really doubt there would be a seven yea grace period!

ReadyToPopAndFresh Wed 19-Feb-14 16:18:34

I don't think YABU and tbh I'd ignore the text entirely. Act like you never got it.

LoonvanBoon Wed 19-Feb-14 16:28:22

YANBU, but I wouldn't go for a passive aggressive response. In fact I wouldn't go for much of a response at all.

IMO it's never a good idea to encourage 3rd parties to involve themselves in issues like this. Unfortunately I think some people thrive on the drama, & love telling others how upset someone else is, & demanding to know what you're going to do about it. Complete PITA - & then there's the question of why the heck it's your responsibility, not your DH's.

So my reply would be as follows: "Hi X, thanks for your text. I understand that you're concerned about MIL. I'll pass that on to DH". And that's it. Or ignore it completely, as Ready said.

If there's any follow up, I'd say: "Sorry X, but I'm not comfortable discussing MIL behind her back".

And YANBU to carry on seeing FIL's new partner, either.

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