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Can't decide how unreasonable I'm being. It's a pregnant wedding one

(69 Posts)
KiwiBanana Wed 19-Feb-14 08:47:51

We've been invited to a wedding on my due date, DP has been invited to stag do 3 weeks before I'm due in Amsterdam. It's DPs cousin and the wedding is about a 2 hour drive away, we also have a 3 year old who I don't think is invited.

My first reaction was that we obviously wouldn't be able to go to either, but DP is disappointed with this. He wants to go to at least the stag do and I think will try and wangle his way in to me letting him go to the evening bit of the wedding if I'm not in labour.

Tbh I'm surprised at this as he honestly usually is supportive and would put our needs first, but there's family history that means him being invited to this wedding is important for him.

I really can't see myself being comfortable with being left with toddler all weekend while I'm full term and don't want to call on family for help as 1) why should they have to and 2) I'll need the help more when in labour and after baby is here.

I feel massively uncomfortable at the thought of him going off on my due date. I know it's not the other end of the world but it's just an added complication I don't want at that stage. Am I being a bit precious and unreasonable to say no to either? I can't even think of any sort of compromise.

Onesleeptillwembley Wed 19-Feb-14 08:51:23

I can't see any problem with him going to either, or both. It would be unfair if him to drink too much to get home if he attends the wedding, though, as it is your due date.

NorthernLurker Wed 19-Feb-14 08:51:37

Were you late with your first baby? I was late with both my two and so when expecting dd3 I was fine with dh being in Sweden at about 37 weeks. He was grounded after that though!
The wedding - no I don't think yabu. Two hours is one thing - it means two hours alone and in labour so in PAIN for you but tbh more of a worry would be - what if he has a drink too many, doesn't hear his phone etc etc. It's all stress you don't need.
I would say yes to the Stag but no to the wedding. Tell him you and your baby come first that day. Baby probably won't arrive then and you know that but if it does kick off you'll both be very glad he's there.

Supercosy Wed 19-Feb-14 08:51:49

I would not accept a wedding invite for my due date even if it was round the corner. Yanbu for all the reasons you've stated here.

Mia4 Wed 19-Feb-14 08:54:41

Yanbu op but think there's room for compromise- assuming you don't go into labour of course. I would personally say yes to wedding as long as he sorts all childcare so you can just relax and gets the house and anything that needs doing done.

I would be v v unhappy about the stag do, more so then the wedding. If you go into labour early or need him then he can just stay sober and drive back. He can't do that abroad. Not to mention its a puss take to leave you so close to your due date for an entire weekend and with your toddler.

So I don't think yabu but I think in regards to driving to wedding ans seeing ceremony and having dinner there's a poss compromise-he has to stay sober and drive back though. Going to the stag...i

CrohnicallyFarting Wed 19-Feb-14 08:55:51

To be honest, I wouldn't be comfortable with him going to the stag do either. If it was in this country, yes. But abroad? I wouldn't like it.

DD was my first, but she still arrived 2 weeks before her due date. So you can't predict when baby will arrive.

Mia4 Wed 19-Feb-14 08:57:19

Going to the way, you can't predict the baby won't come early or you may need him. Though I think im in the minority, most people think the other way is better.

dreamingbohemian Wed 19-Feb-14 09:00:26


The problem with the stag do is that you could easily go into labour around 37 weeks and he'd be abroad, missing the birth entirely. Is a stag do really more important than that?

For the wedding -- would it be possible to do a sort of flexible RSVP? Because you might actually have a 2 week old baby on your due date, in which case maybe it would be doable for him to go. And if it's important for backstory reasons for him to go, they would appreciate him saying he'll try. But obviously he could cancel if you seem anywhere near going into labour still.

But overall you are right in that you and your children should come first.

KiwiBanana Wed 19-Feb-14 09:00:30

I was 2 weeks overdue with my first, that might happen again or it might not.

He's just shown me the email about the stag do, it's 3 days away and says about girls taking your money for fun times!! So that's a definite no then!

meditrina Wed 19-Feb-14 09:01:30

I'm usually quite laid back about partners still attending events, but right on your due date would be a step too far even for me. Ok, you might run late, but being that vastly pregnant means that coping alone for whist he is several hours away would be too stressful (it's the distance, not the hours of absence that would bother me).

I'd be OK with the stag do, though, providing the pg was uneventful as 3 weeks ahead is quite a lot.

LittleBearPad Wed 19-Feb-14 09:02:31

I don't think there's a reason he can't go to the stag do really. At 37 weeks with a typical pregnancy there's no danger of going into labour. Can't you stay with your mum?

With the wedding then you probably should decline though again he could go if you weren't likely to go into labour.

meditrina Wed 19-Feb-14 09:02:47

X-ed with your last. Amsterdam -and "money for fun times" is too close to prostitution for me to be cool about that at any time.

HappyMummyOfOne Wed 19-Feb-14 09:04:22

I dont think i'd have a problem with the stag do, its three weeks before and many partners travel with work and dont get to opt out just in case their wife goes into labour weeks before the due date.

The wedding i would compromise on, fine to attend but no drinking so he can get back in the car. Unless you have a rapid birth last time there is plenty of time for him to get back.

You say this wedding is important to him and he is usually very supportive so time to show him that works both ways.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Wed 19-Feb-14 09:04:53

I think no to both. Problem with Amsterdam is he can't wait and see how things are at the time, he'll need to commit to hotels and flights in advance presumably.

Oldandcobwebby Wed 19-Feb-14 09:05:15

Another bloke here. WTF is wrong with him? His priorities are totally wrong. The wedding invitation needs to be turned down straight away - going to that is simply irresponsible. As for the doubtless dope fuelled trip to Amsterdam, leaving you heavily pregnant with a toddler at home - I am speechless. What a total knob.

babybythesea Wed 19-Feb-14 09:05:35

Labour for me with DD2 happened fast. DH was at work, 25 minutes away. When I phoned and told him to come home, contractions were 10 minutes apart. By the time he reached home, they were five minutes apart. By the time we got to the hospital they were constant. DD2 arrived an hour after we got to hospital. 2 hours away at a wedding would have been too far for us so I'd be unhappy with that.

gamerchick Wed 19-Feb-14 09:06:17

The likelyhood of you delivering on your due date is slim. I would compromise and ask him not to go to the stag and give my blessing for the full wedding. If he's not a knob and usually steps up I really couldn't stand in the way of something he really wanted to do. I just couldn't.

PostmanPatAlwaysRingsTwice Wed 19-Feb-14 09:09:54

"At 37 weeks with a typical pregnancy there's no danger of going into labour."

Well this obviously isn't true.

OP I wouldn't be happy with him going to either of the events that close to the birth. The evening do at the wedding would be ok if it was closer (and you weren't showing signs of labour!)

notthegirlnextdoor Wed 19-Feb-14 09:12:29

YADNBU my brother got married 4 days before my due date (they announced it 6 weeks before.) The wedding was the other end of the country where they live. They weren't offended at all when I declined the invite.

Sunbeam18 Wed 19-Feb-14 09:15:47

You are not being unreasonable at all. I wouldn't be happy with either. Selfish of him even to ask.

TheBookofRuth Wed 19-Feb-14 09:17:07

I agree with a PP who said your DH's priorities are all wrong - you and your DC should be his at the moment.

My DH has just turned down going to a good friend's wedding in another country because he doesn't want to leave to me whilst I'm pregnant and coping with a toddler - the wedding is two month before my due date. I didn't ask him to, in fact he had my blessing if he wanted to go because it's a very good friend, but he wanted to be here for us.

DarlingGrace Wed 19-Feb-14 09:18:57

I wouldn't have an issue with the stag trip on the assumption it was a trouble free pregnancy. how quickly could he get home in need? That's the question that needs asking.

I also wouldn't have an issue with him going to the evening do. Again, provided he could get home ASAP in need.

Chances are, as you get closer to time, he won't want to go any way.

HerGraciousMajTheBeardedPotato Wed 19-Feb-14 09:27:58

The stag do IMOis a total no-no. Too far away and too long. Even without me trying not to be judgemental over a weekend of allcohol, drugs and prostitutes

The wedding, OTOH, I would say a provisional yes. Make it quite clear in your reply that the wedding is on your due date, and you cannot guarantee who will be there. It might be both of you, neither of you, or just dh. If you are still of, take your labour bag with you to the wedding.

We were in this situation with dc1. The b&g understood and accepted that their big day was my week 39. I went into labour on the day of their wedding.

With dc2 dh and I were invited on a work jolly which it was important for him to attend, and which involved a boat trip away from town. It was, again, on week 39. We took the labour bag, he did not drink, everything went well, he got the Brownie points at work, and dc2 was a week late.

HerGraciousMajTheBeardedPotato Wed 19-Feb-14 09:29:05

I think "If you are still of" was meant to be If you are still pregnant".

HerGraciousMajTheBeardedPotato Wed 19-Feb-14 09:30:53

Gah! What has happened to my posting?!

I went into labour on the day of their wedding, so neither of us attended it, in the end. Dh phoned up to let them know.

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