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not to tgo out with my mum

(82 Posts)
LEMmingaround Tue 18-Feb-14 13:15:38

Its half term. Dd wants to do beach walk with our dogs. My mother called wanting me to go with her to pet shop. Its a long walk but dd doesn't want to traipse around shops while my mother whines about her bad back. Sinuses etc. I want the time with dd. I have offereg for my dp to collect the dog food. She was fine when she called eralier but because dd didnt want to do that all of a sudden she is breathless and telling me how she has to go to bank shops etc and take her dog out because id left it too late. I normally take her dog out at lunch time so its not late. I feel like shit but just cant face it.

MrsHappyBee Sun 23-Feb-14 12:20:09

OP Ive been following this thread and totally sympathise with you. You talk about feeling guilty if you don't help your mother. My DM is similar, I really identity with her spoiling any enjoyment you might be having, phoning and making you feel on edge.
It took me a long time to 'uncondition' myself, but I have managed it and it has improved my life enormously.
I don't know why people say "She's your mother!" if it was a husband/partner being so manipulative and abusing they'd shout LTB.
Keep asking yourself would you treat your DC like this, if the answer is no then don't allow your mother to do it to you.
You aren't responsible for your mother's depression and won't be able to make her better. Like other posters have said you need to distance yourself. It sounds as though your DH is getting fed up with it, do you really want to risk ruining you relationship to appease your mother? She won't give a toss if your marriage ends.
Do you want to spend the next 20 years feeling like this?

Hissy Sun 23-Feb-14 12:08:18

Oh btw, you are not narcissistic. If you were, you'd not think you were! ;-)

The self evaluation and reflection is cast iron proof of this.

Narcs don't evaluate themselves and find themselves wanting...

Hissy Sun 23-Feb-14 12:06:34

You were manipulated, and trained to be her narc supply.

It's not all about physical abuse in stately homes, it's about dysfunction.

Your situation is the very definition of dysfunction.

Dysfunctional childhoods damage children the same way 'abuse' does. The relationship you have doesn't make you happy, and she is terrorising your family life.

Hissy Sun 23-Feb-14 12:03:40

Please STOP being constantly available to her!

Leave your mobile at home, or switch it off for some peace and quiet.

Stop running around there everytime she squeaks. Tell her to take the meds, or if they don't agree with her for her to go to the drs and change it.

It's not rocket science, she really can manage her own life.

Remember she told you that she wanted nothing to do with you only a couple of days ago.

Take her at her word and show her consequences of her vile behaviour. Perhaps it'd make her think before opening her mouth next time...

LEMmingaround Sun 23-Feb-14 11:39:57

Well things hve been quiet so far, yesterday she called me while i was out and was crying down the phone - i told her to take the diazepam and lie down, i was just waiting for our dinner to be served in a cafe with dp and dd. So of course i couldnt relax and went straight round, she was snoozing on the sofa, not taken the diazepam because it gave her a headache.

This morning - five missed calls on my mobile at 8.30, i called her back and all i got was "what" then when i asked her what the matter was it was "nothing, nothings the matter" and the phone put down. I'm not ringing her back!

I don't know how i am gonig to get through until wednesday.

WHY do i keep pandering? There was another thread on here i have just read and it was like reading abotu my life - threats to contact SS etc when DD1 was young (i was a single parent) because i went out with someone (a woman, just friends) she didn't like hmm This was just one example. Lucky for me she liked my DP because i daresay she would have scuppered that. I went to university when DD1 was at primary school and my parents did all the childcare (i now realise this ws my DF because she has only ever looked after DD2 less than the amount of fingers i have on one hand and she is 8 now - DD1 is 23) But there were constant threats of not being able to look after DD1 if i didn't do things the way she wanted, i can't even remember what - but i lost count of the times i thought i would have to drop out of uni.

My head is all over the place, i know i am just going round in circles over and over and must be boring you all senseless, but i am trying to get my head round things.

I don't know if i am overdramatising etc and being narcisistic myself and making it all about me - which is why i haven't really engaged with the stately homes thing, don't think its a place for me - i wasn't abused as a child.

Hissy Fri 21-Feb-14 19:29:18

She did all that because you were out with a friend.

Let her sort her own dog's shitty bottom out -ffs--.

Leave your mobile at home next time. She isn't infirm, she is doing this on purpose.

Let the social services/dr/whoever deal with her. She won't play them up.

LEMmingaround Fri 21-Feb-14 18:20:09

Well, that was an interesting day - i went out with my friend and her children. My mum phoned and was obviously pissed off, then at lunch time a phone call, i needed to go and sort the dog out as he had shit stuck to his backside hmm I told her to put him in the garden and i'd go round later. Had a lovely lunch with friend, she could see i was agitated so she dropped me at my mums and waited out side while i sorted the dogs shitty backside out - en route my mum rang, saying she needed to take the dog to the vet because he was in such a bad way - well by this time i was outside her house. Yeah he was in a mess and there was plenty of poo - think 60k dog with hair like an afghan hound hmm Cleaned him up and went up to friends house, was there a few hours and the phone rang again - she was in a right state saying she couldnt get through to the doctors - i just told her to walk straight down there, luckily they got her an appointment with the practice nurse, my friend dropped me off and my mum was in a real state, crying and shaking etc and rubbing at her ears - I told the nurse she couldnt be left like this over the weekend and thankfully her doctor came and prescribed some diazepam (and jokingly told me not to "borrow" them) She has at least taken them and hopefully is feeling less upset - she was in full on panic attack mode. Fortunately she was being nice (for a change).

So will wait to see what the weekend brings - because i was at my friends all day i felt relaxed and dealt with it better, but i said to my friend this morning when my mum rang and i said i was out with a friend that there would be drama, i wasn't wrong!

Heres hoping the diazepam knocks her out for a bit!

Hissy Fri 21-Feb-14 11:09:21

This thread might be useful for some here to appreciate that when we are 'blessed' with mothers that demand so much, but give back so little, or are in some cases out and out cruel, that we have an utter right to want to distance ourselves. We have that right and actually a real need to do so. For our own health, and that of our children and partners (as applicable)

Our feelings are our feelings and we are entitled to them, no matter how inconvenient these feelings are to others.

if we are hurt by the actions/words of others, we are hurt and that's real. Whether it was the intention of that person to hurt us, and what they do about it when they are made aware of that hurt is what separates a Good Parent and a Dysfunctional one.

Remember this:

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
― Eleanor Roosevelt

We *DON'T have to consent to being made to feel we're not good enough. Not for anyone, nor for any reason.

Hissy Fri 21-Feb-14 11:02:12

I think its funny that this week she has "played up" more because DD has been home and i haven't been able to do as much

Actually, it's more about competing for attention. sad

Evie2014 Fri 21-Feb-14 08:16:45

Eek! My apologies- looks as if their useful forum has shut down. Pity. But do google "Narcissistic mother" if you can. It may be helpful.

Evie2014 Fri 21-Feb-14 08:05:37

Apologies if this has been posted before but it is a very useful website.

Hissy Fri 21-Feb-14 07:51:20

Goes without saying lem, PM me if ever you need to?

Hissy Fri 21-Feb-14 07:50:32

LEM, it could be that your DM perceived the 'step back' and for this reason escalated.

You do need to step back again, and again and again. Yes she will try all manner of shite to pull you back in, but that should serve as proof that you must keep going.

Decide on your boundaries and never, ever compromise on them.

If you adopt broken record, and ensure between you and dh that there is no chink in the armour, it won't be as hard to battle through it.

Remember Stately Homes is always there is you need support, or post back on this thread no matter when and we'll see you.

LEMmingaround Thu 20-Feb-14 22:22:25

rabbitlady - are you reading a different thread? because i cannot see where hissy has been anything other than supportive actually.

rabbitlady Thu 20-Feb-14 22:06:26

hissy, why not be less aggressive in your posts?

diddl Thu 20-Feb-14 19:37:11

I think that you need boundaries.

Decide what you will do for her & stick to it.

Don't put up with her being nasty-walk away from that/go home.

A step back might do you both good.

LEMmingaround Thu 20-Feb-14 18:44:24

She doesn't live locally diddl, to be fair, when she did live here she was really good to my mum but she basically did to her what she is doing to me and had her at her beck and call so she stopped going there after a while. I wish she could see that the way she goes on leads to her isolating herself. She has a sister that she has fallen out with (although she is in australia) because she is so jealous of her (long long story) a SIL who doesn't bother with her anymore because of the way she is (so they know if they call her it will be the same gripes over and over and over and you just can't reason with her). Her niece often asks her up for dinner but she doesn't go, again, i don't think she calls her anymore as she is the same and her niece has too much of her own shite to deal with. So its just me really.

I am hoping that they can sort her sinuses and other medical things out so that she can at least get out and do her garden this year, if they can't do that then i think she will fall further into a depression.

Just after christmas i took a big step back and she was actually doing better - then she had a crisis and i was back to square one. So i think i need to step back again to a degree as that seems to be better for her.

oldgrandmama Thu 20-Feb-14 18:42:31

Forgot to add, my mother had been a pretty horrible person to me all my life, it wasn't something that came on in old age.

oldgrandmama Thu 20-Feb-14 18:40:07

Oh dear, poor OP. She has all my sympathies. My own late mother was an arch manipulator. She was in a series of very nice nursing homes and they got so hacked off with her attitude, trouble-making etc. etc., that they kept moving her on to another home run by the same people. She even tried to get me to lie in order that she could get staff fired! It got to the stage where I was pretty well bribing the matron of one of the homes (with crates of booze, nights out in London, presents) not to throw her out.

Eventually I went no contact for just over a year, though I continued to provide pocket money and anything mother wanted, such as new bed, TV, Video recorder, clothes etc. I did visit her again a year or so before she died and she even apologised shock

I think that going no contact can be a wake-up call to people such as OP's mother - maybe worth trying? She sounds an absolute bloody nightmare and I feel so sorry for OP and her family.

diddl Thu 20-Feb-14 18:29:03

Is your 23yr old able to help at all?

LEMmingaround Thu 20-Feb-14 18:13:16

didl my youngest is 8

LEMmingaround Thu 20-Feb-14 18:11:12

rabbitlady - i didn't see your message i can only assume it was an unkind comment, well you are entitled to your opinion i guess.

diddl, my mum is 76 and up until recently has been amazingly fit, despite a long-term medical condition. Because she is losing her indepedance it is making her even more cantankerous than normal. but lets just say, everyone's scared of my mum and i could probalby still set up on someone if they upset me grin My eldest DD (who is 23) calls her "nana" because she is like catherine tate's nana - except worse! She is not five foot tall and has always been like a little rotweiller.

I know that i probably make her out to be an utter cunt on these threads and i don't mean to do that really, but it helps me to have an outlet to maon about it because poor DP can't put up with it all the time. She was awful to my dad all his life, he only really stayed with her because of me - but you know what, she bloody adored him and when he got sick with alzheimers once he was really poorly and had to go in a carehome, that rotweiller streak in her meant that when he was getting poor care it was sorted out and she was utterly devoted to him - at the end, he only recognised her and she slept by his bed in the hospice for a week when he died. She isn't a bad person, just a difficult one - the trouble is, my mental health isn't up to dealing with it.

rabbitlady Thu 20-Feb-14 17:04:10

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

diddl Thu 20-Feb-14 15:46:26

Of course you're not being unfair-you have your own family to think of.

How old is your daughter?

I've been assuming that she's quite young & that therefore your mum isn't old.

YouTheCat Thu 20-Feb-14 15:44:41

Good idea.

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